Never start conversations

Andy · #1 18th January 2009, 18:56

Do you find that you never start conversations? For example at work or college, other people always start conversations with me but I never start conversations with them.

Thing is I don***8217;t have a problem once I get into conversation, I find them rewarding but it***8217;s the initial question or comment I struggle with. I struggle to break the silence in a way, I wait for someone else to do it which probably makes them think I'm ignorant.

whateverwhatever44 · #2 18th January 2009, 18:57

Yeah, I can be the same, less so with people I am comfortable being around but even then it's few and far between.

whateverwhatever44 · #3 18th January 2009, 19:04

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gav_1972

I find this difficult too. I have a fear of being rejected. Perhaps I should try more to overcome this fear.

Is it a rejection issue with you, or perhaps something different?

Oh god, rejection is a MAJOR issue with me :[

gSteve · #4 18th January 2009, 19:05

yeah I hardly ever start conversations. People at work do with me, but I always hold back and think of things id like to say and don't say them, though sometimes I feel like I can't think of anything to say to start a conversation. I don't join in when people at work are talking even though I sit there thinking of things to say. I wish I could improve on this as it seems like its one of the main things holding me back.

SoftlySpoken1 · #5 18th January 2009, 19:06

Yep - this is a challenge for me - especially when it is just me and someone else - in a group the pressure is off a bit!

Spectrelight · #6 18th January 2009, 19:10

I don't start them either, mostly because I get anxious about how they will react and what they will think about me.

I can sort of have a converstation providing the other person starts it, but they tend to be one-sided with them asking all the questions or giving their opinions before I do.

Misanthropy · #7 18th January 2009, 19:12

I find it very hard to start conversations, Most of the time just don't know what to say.

calmcat · #8 18th January 2009, 19:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andy

Do you find that you never start conversations? For example at work or college, other people always start conversations with me but I never start conversations with them.

Thing is I don’t have a problem once I get into conversation, I find them rewarding but it’s the initial question or comment I struggle with. I struggle to break the silence in a way, I wait for someone else to do it which probably makes them think I'm ignorant.

You are not the only one, i am pretty bad at starting conversations unless i know of something specific someone has been up to. Depends on how i'm feeling on any one day i suppose.
if i feel good i tend to make more of an effort than if i've had a bad nights sleep for example.

Pal · #9 18th January 2009, 19:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andy

Do you find that you never start conversations? For example at work or college, other people always start conversations with me but I never start conversations with them.

Thing is I don’t have a problem once I get into conversation, I find them rewarding but it’s the initial question or comment I struggle with. I struggle to break the silence in a way, I wait for someone else to do it which probably makes them think I'm ignorant.

Yep this can be an issue with me, even more so if i'm intimidated by the person i'm talking too. I think a lot of this is down to lack of practice of small talk though, maybe also the fear of humiliating yourself.

LeDree · #10 18th January 2009, 20:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by twitch

I can sympathise with the fear of rejection but....

once you practise doing something, you become very good at it (i.e. driving?).

Once you practise avoiding something (i.e. conversation), you become very good at avoiding it!

So practise, practise, practise approaching people and conversing! (and soon it will feel less like a chaw)

That's some good advice practise makes perfect. I have always had trouble starting convosations. I'm getting a bit better though. I can say hello to people I work with without them having to say it first

Andy · #11 18th January 2009, 20:16

Mostly the fear of rejection, the fear of looking like an idiot and a bit of shyness is what holds me back.

I can say hello to people but unless there is something else blatantly obvious to say then that’s about it. It’s really annoying because you know you just ask them something like, have a good weekend, but you can't.

Blumoon · #12 18th January 2009, 22:09

well this is why i have sa

x

citizen_erased · #13 18th January 2009, 22:39

I hardly ever start conversations with people i don't know very well. Half the time i can't think of anything to say and then when i do i usually end up convincing myself that it'll sound stupid/boring/irrelevant so i keep quiet anyway.

Aimeebabyx · #14 18th January 2009, 22:41

I always find it ackward to break the silence and hope someone else does.

Sammi · #15 18th January 2009, 22:52

I have been forcing myself to start conversations recently, about news, etc, but there have been a few occassions where I've mentioned something in the paper or online and got no response, either because my colleagues haven't got a clue what I'm talking about, simply don't care, or just don't want to talk to me. So it's a big setback when this happens, and I generally clam up for the rest of the day as a result of it.

It's so frustrating. You don't talk and people think you're ignorant - you do talk and people ignore you! Can't win!

karmgirl · #16 19th January 2009, 12:33

I find this difficult at work. Not so bad with family and close friends.

I am ok at asking questions sometimes but it never leads to a proper conversation. I find it difficult to join in colleagues conversations at work too because they are both very loud and opinionated

Neil · #17 19th January 2009, 15:53

Appart from everything mentioned so far, I also worry that what I'll say will be completely uninteresting and inappropriate for the social context.
Despite regularly making the effort I am still blatently nervous and it shows in the body language and tone of voice. I am afraid people will view me as weak or subservient, lacking in charisma, so I remain silent. I am then tagged, "the quiet bloke". I guess the only solution is to practice conversation and then who knows, perhaps by the time I'm fifty (in twenty years time) I will have mastered the art.

karmgirl · #18 19th January 2009, 16:10

I am sometimes quiet because I am afraid that what I say will be uninteresting too. But then I listen to other peoples conversations and conversation starters and realise mine are no more boring than theirs are so I am trying to overcome this problem of stopping myself saying things that pop into my head. That is my aim this week. Then next week I will try the same and the week after (if all is going well) I might start seeing if I can start working on bringing assertiveness and opinions into this.

tescovalue · #19 19th January 2009, 23:21

I've never been able to initiate conversation very well and as time has passed and I've got more out of practice, it seems to have got worse.

At least in the past I could think of something to say but be apprehensive and keep my gob shut cos I thought I might bore the pants off the other person or extend a silence even further but now I can't even think of anything, just have a completely blank mind.

Don't know how I come across in those situations, probably cold I guess but at the time that seems a better alternative to feeling silly.

Raspberry Rover · #20 26th February 2009, 04:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sammi

I have been forcing myself to start conversations recently, about news, etc, but there have been a few occassions where I've mentioned something in the paper or online and got no response, either because my colleagues haven't got a clue what I'm talking about, simply don't care, or just don't want to talk to me. So it's a big setback when this happens, and I generally clam up for the rest of the day as a result of it.

It's so frustrating. You don't talk and people think you're ignorant - you do talk and people ignore you! Can't win!

I have found a problem trying to either strike up or more usually continue a conversation of mutual interest with some people. It seems I have to start playing a guessing game with some people.

Did you read about [insert newspaper story]? "No."

Ever heard about [so and so]? "No."

Follow the football? "No." (This is a last refuge question.)

Then it breaks down. There is only so much you can talk about the institution you have in common (university, workplace, etc.) before you need to move on. With some people that cannot be done it seems.