SA loner men - dating normal women and being exposed has not having friends

[ElektroPunk Mindwarp Jelly]

Any SA men who are without any friends of their own and found themselves in a situation where you might be about to date a woman, although there could be a problem if or when you may be exposed as being a loner
Even if the woman herself wasn't bothered by this, it could be a problem with the friends or family of this woman, the stigma and shame both on you as the man or on this woman for dating a "weird guy" may put an abrupt end to it.
Has this been something that SA guys on here have experienced

[GoldFish]

I truly believe its not the fact that you are a loner that will be a problem, its more how you present yourself and communicate, using your tone of voice and physiology and how you describe yourself.

for instance if you respond to people in a miserable mumbly voice "i dont really have any friends" full stop with a sad face then people might not look too favouribly on you. try the light hearted approach and say that you have friends but you've all been too busy to see each other and you havent bothered with it, dont lie but smooth it over a little. dont mention specific names. then change the subject and talk about something you are interested in or ask them a question. its all about how you communicate it. try and focus more on just being relaxed in their presence.

[Johnni]

I am aware of this but not just dating but in making general freindships. It's something i dread will happen.

[mils]

I am in this situation at the moment. I have some friends in London, but live in Scotland, been here for two years and haven't really made friends. I am a bit concious of it, but what can you do...

[Luke78]

Originally Posted by Municipal waste

Any SA men who are without any friends of their own and found themselves in a situation where you might be about to date a woman, although there could be a problem if or when you may be exposed as being a loner
Even if the woman herself wasn't bothered by this, it could be a problem with the friends or family of this woman, the stigma and shame both on you as the man or on this woman for dating a "weird guy" may put an abrupt end to it.
Has this been something that SA guys on here have experienced

Yeah this is an issue I can relate to. I don't have any immediate answers other than putting the whole dating thing on hold, and just building friendships instead, which is what I'm trying. This mostly eliminates SA in certain situations. I'm not sure it would be easy to do in a normal pub/club environment. This probably isn't too much help for you though, you seem further ahead than me.

[hardy]

It didnt seem to be an issue when i started dating. Its a risk but you have so much to gain . you not going to stop being a loner by staying at home and not taking risks!! I think the answer is not to stake so much of your self esteem on this one event. Whether it succeeds or "fails" you'll stiill be a worthwhile human being. Able to try again.

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by Cynic

I've no doubt that it would. Besides, having no friends would be a certain dealbreaker for 99% of women.

why have you come to this conclusion cynic?

unless you have direct experience of many women rejecting you purely on the sole reason you have no friends then i can't even begin to believe that.

[Blumoon]

Originally Posted by Defiance

why have you come to this conclusion cynic?

unless you have direct experience of many women rejecting you purely on the sole reason you have no friends then i can't even begin to believe that.

Because he has cognitive distortions :

[Lex Love]

Originally Posted by Municipal waste

Any SA men who are without any friends of their own and found themselves in a situation where you might be about to date a woman, although there could be a problem if or when you may be exposed as being a loner
Even if the woman herself wasn't bothered by this, it could be a problem with the friends or family of this woman, the stigma and shame both on you as the man or on this woman for dating a "weird guy" may put an abrupt end to it.
Has this been something that SA guys on here have experienced

Know exactly what you mean its horrible, Its the one thing that has kinda hampered my past relationships. Even if a girl isnt bothered by it those who she associates with may look more into it in a negative way. Either way if you present yourself in a very good way to all of these people they may like you ut the will always have the question of "why doesnt he have any friends?" some may even ask you so you really need to come up with something thats viable and maybe in some instances just be honest.

All girls probably want their partners to have a social life of their own even if they are moaning that you dont see them enough and see your friends too often. Its seen as the norm and any deviation from that is not really accepted by most of society.

Has this happened to you recently?

[Blumoon]

Originally Posted by Benzaiten

This is not just a problem for men. I have no friends and I worry about it all the time. I meet up with my boyfriends friends and it all looks so easy. I don't understand why I can't make or keep friends myself.

Having no friends makes me feel weird and unloveable but also deeply jealous of people who do have friends. My boyfriend talks about his time at Uni and holidays that he had with friends when he was younger and I feel so lonely and inadaquate. I wish I could just be happy that he had fun.

Tell me about it lol all i can do is agree

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Some things are crystal clear without the need to be given explicit messages.

if it were the other way round. most men wouldn't regard it as a dealbreaker if the girl was around the same actractivness as them or higher.

based on my experiences i am finding that women are not all that different than men when it comes to attraction, the main and only really noteworthy difference is that men are much much more eager to sleep with (random or not) attractive members of the opposite sex ..and women are not..


basically what i am finding is that if you are around the same attractiveness as her or higher than her, and are not a complete weirdo then you have a good chance despite any apparent other shortcomings (not being alpha male of the year, not being mr popular, ..etc etc)

[tituscrow]

Its awkward but its just something else to get past.
I made it clear in the initial stages of getting to know my partner that I had SA and roughly what it meant, and that that was why I had very few real friends. She doesn't understand but she does accept. It can be seen as a good thing, she knows I won't be out drinking til all hours with friends!

[Paul Ll]

Who cares, just enjoy your date/time with her

[Blumoon]

Originally Posted by Cynic

hm in a male..
-being unpopular - wouldn't mind. i'm scared of over popular lads anyways as they are usualy up themselves n want a burd with big tits n white bleached hair..etc
-being short - who even cares..well i don't really..
-not having a car - i don't care. walk..get the bus.
-lack of money - if i loved um it wouldn't matter though..well maybe this one would actualy ;/
-lack of bulging muscles - not bothered at all
-lack of fighting prowess - wouldn't want um to get into trouble anyways.
-lack of sporting prowess - don't care
-lack of celebrity friends - who knows any celebs?
-poor health - yeah that would be a dealbreaker 4 me lol.


As most men in the general population are popular alpha males, then chances are virtually nil.

Some arnt but..seems to be very few nd far between though. I just find chavs.

[Median]

This one is bothering me too. I know a lot of couples end up spending time together rather than theyre friends but I'm really considering opening a f a c e b o o k after years of saying I wouldnt and adding people I knew and liked and maybe doing something social..

Or should I just prey for the best with making new friends?

[Nikkos]

Whats wrong with being a loner, gotta start somewhere but i know where you are coming from OP.

[Nikkos]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Human beings are pack animals, or so I'm told and in a society where image is everything, "loner" is one of the most frowned upon stigmas.


As someone said on another thread a wee while back, in order to make friends, you need to already have friends.

Things like money, friends, love, even abuse and bullying all have the one thing in common: the more you have, the more you'll gain, so if you've never had it, chances are you never will.

Interesting post and unfortunately i think your probably correct on all.

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Most men don't regard the following as dealbreakers either...

-being unpopular - i have very very few friends
-being short - i'm 5'10 so probably as you said women want 6ft'ers
-not having a car - that needs money
-lack of money - i'm signing on. nuff said
-lack of bulging muscles - my bmi is 22 and i'm not muscular
-lack of fighting prowess - i'll fight if forced to but i'm not "hard"
-lack of sporting prowess - haven't played sports in years
-lack of celebrity friends - never met one let alone befriended one
-poor health - i sometimes get exzema rashes on my face if i eat the wrong foods

proir to 2007 i used to think stuff like that mattered a great deal too, well perhaps not not stuff like lack of "celebrity friends" (..that was a joke right?), but yeah superifical stuff like i did think it did matter. however i've had many experiences since then that have proven to me these sorts of things wern't deal breakers, infact women were putting far less weight on them than i was led to beleive they would.

you'll love this cynic. explain this.
just over a year ago in 2008 after being unemployed for over 6mths i was sent on one of those dreaded jobcentre cources. SA was pretty bad although i've improved a fair deal since then though), i was not fitting in with everyone, SA overcame me and didn't talk to anyone i just sat there by myself basically ..and after a while i noticed one or two of the guys giving me dodgy looks. I knew they thought of me as weird and rightly so ...i wasn't interacting with no one.

my face was also still a mess as i had an exzema flare up shortly before starting the cource.

around 3wks go by
then one time i was sitting with my back to everyone at a computer and i overhear 2 girls talking.
girl 1: hey whats up with that guy.
girl 2: who?
girl 1: him!, ..he dosen't say nothing. he's not really doing anything to get attention like all the other guys

girl 2: but he's cute, he dosen't need to go doing stuff to get attention

[girl 1 thought this was not enough, so they then argued a little over whether or not i needed to do anything, the convo finally ended with girl 1 asking girl 2 if she thought something was wrong with me mentally because i didn't talk]

this convo shocked me. ALOT.

girl 1 was probably an 8
girl 2 like a 7

personality wise both girls were the kind of streetwise kind of girl.

about a week later i make sorta friends with girl 2. girl 1 i still don't talk to. girl 2 did not fancy me btw, not that i thought she did but later girl1 subtly tried to tease girl2 that she should get with me and she didn't seem like she fancied me.

later on that cource an unattractive girl came onto me (that was scary..)

and also later on the cource i noticed this girl about a 7 (who had a bf) kept stealing looks at me. i thought perhaps i was imagining it and her head just happened to be often looking where i happened to be. eventually her male friend called her on it so obviously i didn't imagine it.

to cut a long story short, there was several other instances on that cource which happened including girl1 (the girl who suggested i was funny in the head) beccoming attracted.


the expereinces on that cource convinced me that as long as you are physically attractive to the girl there is always a resonable chance dispite other shortcomings.


i even contradicted what i said about the need to not come accross a weirdo because girl 1 who clearly thought i was a weirdo did some weeks later become attracted.

I presume you mean as in physical appearance?
Do you mean based on looks alone?

i am finding that a mans default chances with a girl are generally dictated by if you are same or superiar physical attractiveness to the girl and not coming off as a weirdo then you have a decent chance despite any other failings.

quiet does not mean weirdo.
too quiet then yes you will be seen as a weirdo.

[Blumoon]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Well as I am 100% unnatractive and no one ever finds me attractive, I cannot be human if it really is human nature.

Well I, for one have no idea how to tackle my self-hatred issues. When you go through life being treated as an object of hatred, contempt, or indifference at the very best and remain forever isolated, unwanted and nothing to offer except as a punchbag to make otherwise inadequate individuals look powerful and important for a short time, then it is nigh on impossible not to develop self-hatred. Like someone said on another thread, if entire groups gang up on you, then there must be something fundamentally wrong with you.


I've heard plenty of instances of people why try to change themselves and make no progress whatsoever, while everyone around them gets everything effortlessly.

Same.
True.
True.

[Blumoon]

i'm def a weirdo then as i can't talk. -infact why does it matter how it makes me feel. matters not a jot.

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by 2oShawtyo9

Same.

you lie

wern't you complaining you had a stalker earlier today?

I've heard plenty of instances of people why try to change themselves and make no progress whatsoever, while everyone around them gets everything effortlessly.

change is hard and it will not happen over night. it won't be easy, it wont be smooth sailing all the way but if you never try it will never happen. remember a journey of 1000 miles begins with one single step (or something like that..)

here is a reccomendation to get you started. stop reading all those articles on attraction, you're taking everything far too literally and ending up with distorted views. like i said in the post i just wrote ..it was only in 2007 i realised it.

[Blumoon]

hw do i lie? he doesn't even know i can't talk he just knows me on facebook. if it was him that just rang me then i couldnt have picked it up anyway

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Talking about you in your presence? They sound like a couple of rude bitches.

they obviously didn't realise i was listening, they were quite a bit away from me ...but i do have good ears.

I've heard that when a girl describes a guy as "cute" she doesn't really like him.

you have to listen to the context it was used as girls around my age use the word "cute" for both adorable cute like a puppy (i wouldn't date) and hot cute (find physically attractive)

applying the word and how she used it, it didn't sound like they were talking about the first cute

Did girl 2 agree with girl 1?

girl 2 did not seem to think i was wierd. she seemed to just think i was quiet by the sounds of things.

Well I've been on courses too and from what I gathered, your only chances are if you are in with the popular crowd and are associated with the well known hardmen, bouncers or gangsters

taking a look at the girl, then at yourself, would give you a much better idea of your default chances with her. when i say defualt i mean assuming you asked her out without getting to know her that well.

ofcource there is a chance for a guy to pip high above his weight (in terms of physical attractiveness) if he has the right personality but tbh not many people are blessed with such personalities so usually what happens is people end up dating those who are similar attractiveness to themselves.

How do you know she was attracted?

i came in one day in some new clothes i bought on a whim. i don't like to sound arrogent but i did think i looked quite good in them. anyways i left my house and ran down the road. 4 young girls were sitting on a wall with thier backs to me (they looked no older than 14), as i ran past i saw one look at me and say "he's fit" ..then another voice say "who", then the first voice say "him!" ...then i turned round to see them looking at me.

nice ego boost.

so i go to the jobcentre feeling a tad more confident due to the ego boost and i pass a peutorican girl (she had a bf) who is also there and she is standing outside (she is also on the cource). she is also a kinda streetwise kinda girl, looks wise she was a solid 8 and fyi i rate harshly..

anyways, she saw me and the way she was looking at me, it looked a bit like she might be finding me attractive but i shrugged it off as me misinterpreting the look as she had never so much as bothered to speak to me before.

i get up the on the lift, go into the room, i am talking with someone else about finding a computer the peurtocian girl comes in, is still looking at me kinda funny, interupps the convo and tries her best to help me (she is being so nice too) ...also resting her hand breifly just below my wrist for a little while as she talks ....then girl 1 comes and sits next to me and has the same sort of look the peurtorican girl had been given me and also subtly gives the peurtorican girl a look as well.

the looks, did look like looks of attraction, there is a chance that i misinterpreted it wrong but that coupled with the fact that the peurtorican girl seemed to be fussing over me leads to believe i was probably right...

looking back i should have tried to flirt with the peurtirican girl (she had bf) and see if it would lead anywhere, but back then everything was happening so fast ...plus my SA was worse back then ...i didn't attempt to flirt with her.
was not interested in girl 1 despite her being an 8, overhearing those negative things she had said about me made me wary of her.

I'm more likely to expose myself as a wierdo if I get too open!

you can't be that weird. you go to meets sometimes don't you? from the way people speak about who've met you i don't think they think you're weird

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by 2oShawtyo9

hw do i lie? he doesn't even know i can't talk he just knows me on facebook. if it was him that just rang me then i couldnt have picked it up anyway

cynic said "Well as I am 100% unnatractive and no one ever finds me attractive, I cannot be human if it really is human nature."

you said "same" in responce to that.

but obviously if you have some stalker guy crushing on you that can't be true can it.

[Blumoon]

nope yr right.
i just can never believe people, all i think is he is lying but meh probably not or he wouldn't stalk as much.
meh

[Defiance]

sounds kinda fun to have a stalker, i wish i had one ...just to feel what it was like.

but i suppose the novelty would soon wear off and it'd get annoying.

not if she was hot though. i'd enjoy it

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by Cynic

That's me well fucked then!

nope.
even if you wern't that good looking, any man, if he can develop enough of a shell and get out there and approach women eventually due to sheer numbers you would find one who you would be willing to oversee the looks and who'd you appeal enough to on the personality factor to want to date you

You mean Puerto Rican?

thats what i said. peurto rican
i just can't spell

A dirty look as in love rival look?

nope, a kind of acknowldging look, in that she recongnised the girl found me appealing and argeed.


think back to a time when you were with mates and a nice woman walked past or came into your presence. you didn't say anything to your mate but gave your mate a kind of look.

that kind of look.

Yeah, I don't blame you. That would put me off someone for good.

i didn't really find girl1 that attractive to begin with even though i rated her an 8, (we all prefer certain kind of looks to others right) and besides these streetwise girls arn't really my type anyway (in terms of the personality i look for in a girl) but the peurto rican was so hot that it would have taken alot for me not fancy her.

infact had it been the peurto rican who spoke negavtively about me and then changed her tune ...i dare say i might of tried to overlook it.

I've only met most of them once, so they don't know me that well. Besides, only they can tell you.

well, from the way you speak to some people on this board like the woman who's username began with s who you were in that photo with it did not seem like she thought you as weird

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Actually, yes it can. Even if someone seems to initially like you, they often change their minds suddenly.

i don't think it happens that often.
i think he would only stop liking her if she was really mean to him.


in general if someone has a crush on you then unless you are really mean to them about it ...it is unlikely they will quit liking you.
even if you turn them down and tell them you don't want to go out with them, ..unless you are mean about it they will still usually be liking you that way

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by Cynic

When you say "streetwise" girls, I presume you mean chavettes?

think N-dubz

You can't spell.

funny

[Defiance]

you really need to get a TV back in your gaff man

this is them

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq_Ba...eature=channel


those sorts of people who look/sound/speak similar to that.
totally not my type in terms of personality, and i'm not there's (i expect i'm probably too "soft" for those types of girls for me to appeal much)

yet, i seemed to be appealing to them physically so it seems like i did have a chance