SA loner men - dating normal women and being exposed has not having friends

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by girlinterrupted

By my standards the opinions of anyone who would treat me badly because of that are of no interest to me,so it works out well all round

That's great but what if you have to go through life being treated that way by the majority of people? Even if you didn't care it's going to have a big impact on your life, your employability, potential to make friends, have relationships, and generally get by in life.

[Only_human]

I think, in my experience, overall, men are a lot more likely to just deem you shy then weird if you are a female with SA or a loner generally. Also i'd say some men actually prefer it. I've found other women are more judgemental of me for being reserved/quiet and read into it more where as men just take it or leave it rather then analyse it. I think women are much more likely to overanalyse stuff generally so if a man or woman is a bit different they tend to read into it more (generally speaking). I also think men are also more critical of other men who don't fit their mould or group mould so are more likely to make sarcastic comments about that person or write them off alltogether rather then question why and try to get to the route cause.

I did find one of my ex's did call me a 'weirdo' and 'loner' a lot but he always did it in banter, or at least hid his true feelings (perhaps) in that way. I also found, when I met his friends, he didn't take kindly, and made a point of bringing it up, that I gravitated towards the shy 'freak cling-on' of the group as he deemed him! He actually was annoyed because I didn't take to the main socially dominant ones of the group (i.e. his best friends) but I would of made more effort over time, I just found them too intimidating all at once so backed off and inevitably reached out towards the one most like me. I think as with anything, the more openly outgoing socialite types are more critical of those that are too far off the spectrum but will allow for differences, to a certain degree. But I do think men, get the raw stick in being judged for their SA more overall by both sex's.

[TommyGun]

SA girls are cute, SA men are weirdos.

[girlinterrupted]

Originally Posted by diplodocus

That's great but what if you have to go through life being treated that way by the majority of people? Even if you didn't care it's going to have a big impact on your life, your employability, potential to make friends, have relationships, and generally get by in life.

Oh I agree,I wasn`t saying it was easy at all,especially for people who do get treated badly an awful lot of the time. Obviously it would be horrific and have an awful impact,and I have no quick fix answer to that.
I was treated that way by the majority of people around me for a few years and it resulted in a breakdown and 23-odd years of this complete mentalness,so I do understand to some degree about what effect it can have.
I guess now in social terms I`m just not interested in anyone who would behave that way to me,I`m honestly a loner so any friend is a bonus not a need,relationships the same. Jobs: I`ve so far never worked (mentalness) but obviously if I was forced to be around people that hated me again I can imagine it wouldn`t be a long-term problem as I`d either now be able to compartmentalise it enough to view it as unpleasant,horrible even but saying more about them than me,or I`d crack again and be back being a gibbering wreck thus rendering it a moot point.
If I appeared flippant or as if I was saying "just don`t care about it" then I`m sorry because that wasn`t my intention at all,that`s not what I think. I just genuinely don`t care about it anymore,that`s all.

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Originally Posted by Progress

Yeah, I'm just playing devil's advocate. And wondering about the best way to deal with people calling us weirdos behind our back (or to our face)

I know you were. No worries.

To be honest I have no idea what the best way to deal with this actually is. I mean do people really listen if you try to explain yourself? And should we really have to keep explaining ourselves anyway? I think people think what they want to think, and believe what they want to believe. Maybe the only thing we can do is leave them to get on with it, although doing so doesn't feel like much of a decent option. If someone is interested and willing to understand, then maybe we could explain things a little, but for those who think what they want to think, I wonder what the point is in trying to change how they view us.

Easy for me to say now I'm much older and maybe a bit wiser too, but I'm more likely to let others stew in their own ignorance rather than challenge their perception. I think some people are delighted when you protest, because they know they've got to you. Lets be honest here, the types of people who call others weirdos just because they are different and/or have mental health issues, are generally not thoughtful, understanding and considerate types who you can reason with easily. Maybe they are best left in their ignorance. Their actions expose them for what they are. In a way, I find that strangely satisfying. Maybe I've just identified my personal best way of dealing with this issue.

[Progress]

Originally Posted by Benfica

Easy for me to say now I'm much older and maybe a bit wiser too, but I'm more likely to let others stew in their own ignorance rather than challenge their perception. I think some people are delighted when you protest, because they know they've got to you. Lets be honest here, the types of people who call others weirdos just because they are different and/or have mental health issues, are generally not thoughtful, understanding and considerate types who you can reason with easily. Maybe they are best left in their ignorance. Their actions expose them for what they are. In a way, I find that strangely satisfying. Maybe I've just identified my personal best way of dealing with this issue.

Yes, you have become comfortable enough with yourself to not be affected by those insults but you can do this because you don't agree with them. It's when someone agrees with them that it really hurts and, yes, they have got you then.

I don't fully relate to the weirdo thing personally, maybe because though some may have seen me that way, I never have myself. My sensitivity is about challenges to my strength of character or manhood. There doesn't seem so much talk about that here so I don't know if many relate, but I think some do. One that still haunts me happened years ago. My manager at work said to me one day (in front of everyone) - "Woman's Hour happened to come on the radio and it made me think of you". It seems such a small thing, most would probably just forget it, but it got to my sensitivity and crushed me. Still hate the bastard. I'd still have a difficulty dealing with something like that.
Anyone else hurt by similar things?

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Originally Posted by Progress

Yes, you have become comfortable enough with yourself to not be affected by those insults but you can do this because you don't agree with them. It's when someone agrees with them that it really hurts and, yes, they have got you then.

I don't fully relate to the weirdo thing personally, maybe because though some may have seen me that way, I never have myself. My sensitivity is about challenges to my strength of character or manhood. There doesn't seem so much talk about that here so I don't know if many relate, but I think some do. One that still haunts me happened years ago. My manager at work said to me one day (in front of everyone) - "Woman's Hour happened to come on the radio and it made me think of you". It seems such a small thing, most would probably just forget it, but it got to my sensitivity and crushed me. Still hate the bastard. I'd still have a difficulty dealing with something like that.
Anyone else hurt by similar things?

Yep, I suppose it's easier for me to shrug certain things off now. I feel that I'm quite self-aware now too. I sort of know what I am and what I'm not. So if I am slagged off for being something I'm not, I can shrug it off as the ramblings of a person who doesn't really know me, so it's their ignorance talking. I don't agree with it, so I don't buy into it.

If I'm slagged off for something I know I am, I can shrug that off too. If I realise I'm in the wrong I can just say ''fair cop, guv'' then do something about it. If I'm slagged off for something I'm ok with being, I don't really care what they think.

I'm not sure if it was you or Mark101 who recently mentioned how hard it is when you are criticed for being something, and you also agree with that criticism. A bit like someone says they dislike you for 'X' and you also dislike yourself for 'X' too. I was quite sad when I read that, because I realise that that is a hard place to be in.

For what it's worth, although I don't have the same issues as you describe, I can understand the challenges to your strength of character and manhood, issue. I personally know a man with similar issues of his own.

That one doesn't get me for a couple of reasons. Firstly I grew up hating men and masculinity, so I had no respect for them/it. Secondly, I grew up loving and respecting women and femininity a lot more. In my time I've been called a ''woman'' so many times, but rather than taking it as an insult, I take it as a compliment, although I know it was not meant as one.

These days I'm more balanced and a don't hate men and I don't place women on a pedestal, but any comparison made between me and women or feminine traits is still taken positively by me.

Coming from your own perspective I can see how those comments at work could really upset you. With the issues you have around this area, 'small' comments such as those can actually be devastating, as you have found.

I'm pretty sure some others on here can relate to you on this one. I don't think it's uncommon in men to have issues around this area. I wonder if there is enough scope in that topic for a thread of it's own? As I said, I know one guy with very similar issues and I've heard of others.

[Johnni]

Originally Posted by TommyGun

SA girls are cute, SA men are weirdos.

You find them cute cos of their SA?
Im attracted to more extroverted women myself, sorry women of SAUK

[Toxic]

It's probably the usual

quiet/shy (SA even) girls can be seen as cute!

quiet/shy guys probably talk to the traffic and have jars of various pickled rodents in their basements

(for the record i much prefer introverted/shy girls myself anyway..so i can agree with that statement!)

[Trevor76]

Lock up your daugters!!

[Progress]

Originally Posted by Cynic

WTF did he mean by that exactly???

It was meant as an insult, that I wasn't 'manly', I was 'womanly'. Maybe it's not used much these days, to insult a man by calling him a woman. An insult to women as well perhaps.

[Progress]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Does that mean being quiet was 'womanly'?

You've made me think now. I wasn't particularly quiet in that job so what was he getting at? I guess I'll never really know. There were reasons he wanted to insult me and I think that's what he came up with. I'd shown some sensitivity, maybe that.

[Vastaux]

Originally Posted by Progress

You've made me think now. I wasn't particularly quiet in that job so what was he getting at? I guess I'll never really know. There were reasons he wanted to insult me and I think that's what he came up with. I'd shown some sensitivity, maybe that.

should of tw*tted him!

[Progress]

Originally Posted by ~AlphaZulu~

should of tw*tted him!

I should have done all kinds of things! Too submissive.
But I think I got my own back eventually in my rather sly ways.