Equal Friendships

Johnni · #1 1st August 2012, 18:55

Something i encounter and affects me is that i desire to have friends who are as close to me as i am to them.
By that i mean you have 'best friends' and 'friends' and then 'aquaintances' right? Well its kinda like what i experience sometimes to others they are my friends (sometimes best friends) yet to me i am their friend or merely a aquantances.

So when its not equal i.e to them they are my closest friend and i don't have many others but to me they don't see me as close and just i'm just a aquaintance or something it really affects me.
Its like i can't be arsed with them anymore cos i dont want it to be like that. IF i had a best friend i want them to see me as thier best friend,aquanatance with aquaintance etc. Is it stupid to think that?

Maybe not bothering with the friendships is a bit drastic but i'm very insecure when it comes to friendships and where i am with people and within a social circle especially so if i feel i'm out of the loop i kinda feel why bother cos i been there before for years and not a nice place to be.

Progress · #2 1st August 2012, 19:28

Yeah, I've had that quite a lot - I need people far more than they need me. It's not a very good feeling but I try and put it out of my mind, swallow my pride a bit and feel lucky that I've got a friend. It also means that they drift away sometimes which is tough to take, but it's a question of trying to live with it - some friends will always come and go.

Johnni · #3 1st August 2012, 20:03

Quote:

Originally Posted by Progress

Yeah, I've had that quite a lot - I need people far more than they need me. It's not a very good feeling but I try and put it out of my mind, swallow my pride a bit and feel lucky that I've got a friend. It also means that they drift away sometimes which is tough to take, but it's a question of trying to live with it - some friends will always come and go.

I find this also and then kinda make the friendship bigger than it is and then dissapoint when i feel they arent as close to me as i am to them.

Thirteen · #4 1st August 2012, 20:54

Definitely know where you're coming from on this. I've often felt the same way. I get very attached to people and will often go out of my way to do nice things for people etc. And get disappointed that i never seem to meet people who would behave that way for me.

Memory · #5 1st August 2012, 21:10

I think it's hard to have an equal friendship really so you're lucky if you do have one.

I know where you're coming from though. Echoing what Progress said, I also need people more than they need me which makes it especially tough to take when we drift apart.

Today · #6 1st August 2012, 21:18

I regognise all of the above. indeed I feel i either take the part of over doing my part and kinda demanding attention or i feel crappy coz i feel inconcequential to my freind. ultimatly i spend an unreasonable amount of my time thinking today is the day they realize im not worth the effort

Invisible · #7 1st August 2012, 22:21

I'm also usually the one in a friendship that needs/likes the other person more than they need/like me. I recently made a thread about a one-sided friendship that I have and I'm yet to actually do anything about moving on from it

Undecided · #8 5th August 2012, 16:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rufus

The trouble is the advice is to always push yourself and not hold back so I think lonely people befriend anyone who will have them through desperation and its not always really mutual.

I used to be like that around the time I joined these forums. I was talking to a lot of people online and trying to make friends at groups I found on meetup. A lot of times it was me making more effort, and I probably did come across as a bit desperate at times

Now I've ended up going to the other extreme and haven't really done much over the last couple of years to try and make new friends. There was a couple of guys that I struck up an online friendship with, but that happened naturally. It wasn't something that I activately sought out. I need to try and find a good balance between making friends and not placing too much importance on it/taking things too personally. Easier said than done!

Cleo · #9 5th August 2012, 16:53

It certainly is. I have always attracted people that have required a yes woman, if you know what I mean?

My father said when I was young to wait for people to come to me and try to be more discriminatory. It has been a long wait. Still waiting...

Olly. · #10 5th August 2012, 23:14

I find myself constantly tormented by this and its one of the reasons why I'm starting cut myself off from people, because while I see them as good friends, I know they've got many people that they'll see as stronger friends than me that they go travelling with and things like that, and unfortunately for me they just don't see me as that much of a friend to want me to go on trips unless I'm the driver as unfortunately I'm hardly the life and soul of the group. One of the worst things for me is one particular person at uni who I feel I'm pretty good friends with, being absolute best friends with another and they'll probably regularly see each other after uni, whereas when it comes to me I know she probably couldn't care less whether she sees me again or not after uni, I'm just a uni friend to her, not a proper friend and while I shouldn't crave a perfect equal friendship where the feeling is mutual, I just can't help it and the more it goes on, the less motivated I feel to maintain friendships. I see everyone else seemingly loving one another friends wise and I can't help but envy them and wish I had someone who I could call a proper best friend.

Johnni · #11 8th August 2012, 13:22

Thx for the replies guys.
Its getting more of a issue for me and one aspect that i wanted to ask is that if you find yourself where the other person doesn't see you as close as a mate as you do to them do you find yourself thinking it's not worth the effort with them i.e i want them to be equal with me or nothing?

I lack any sort of best mate since school so i'll continue to search for one and in the process dismiss any people who i end up thinking wont be one of them (even though they may not be best mates they can still be mates) So in end up with no one really as i give up on people sometimes or find myslef kinda not making as much effort with them as i did before just because they dont see me as i see them i.e best/closesnt friend.

My counsellor was saying i kinda romanticise it all and that i'm stuck in adolescent idea of best mates i.e seeing each other each day doing stuff together. Whereas a person my age (30) doesnt really have many friends like that anymore and if they did it's usually their bf/gf so she said i'll probably get what i want from having a gf in terms of friendship.

BUT i think its not so much about what a best mate can do for me i.e socialise regulary but i seem to be hooked on being on the same level as another person. Its like if i was mates with a guy and could both say we were best mates but not see each other that often i'd be content with that oddly. Therefore i think this issue is more about my self worth i.e i'm not that important to someone's life but wish to be.

Progress · #12 8th August 2012, 13:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by Johnni

My counsellor was saying i kinda romanticise it all and that i'm stuck in adolescent idea of best mates i.e seeing each other each day doing stuff together. Whereas a person my age (30) doesnt really have many friends like that anymore and if they did it's usually their bf/gf so she said i'll probably get what i want from having a gf in terms of friendship.

BUT i think its not so much about what a best mate can do for me i.e socialise regulary but i seem to be hooked on being on the same level as another person. Its like if i was mates with a guy and could both say we were best mates but not see each other that often i'd be content with that oddly. Therefore i think this issue is more about my self worth i.e i'm not that important to someone's life but wish to be.

I think he might be right. There are all kinds of friends in adult life, some close, others less so.

I can understand the self worth thing, but I think you're missing out on some things by only wanting your ideal (I do exactly the same with girls mainly). I would say, try and swallow your pride a bit and accept whatever friendships you can get (without being taken advantage of)

Mina · #13 9th August 2012, 10:22

I can totally relate to this. I had a conversation with my bf last night about how all my friends have other friends, which they like more.

I was invited to a friend's house last night. When I arrived the girls from our social circle where there. They were talking about an exercise class they all go to. They also talked about a meal one of them cooked for the others and a day they had been to the pub. I felt extremely embarrassed that I was the only girl who hadn't been invited to any of those other things. Why wasn't I invited? Aren't I an equal friend in their group?

Progress · #14 9th August 2012, 10:23

Is there a moral to the tale perhaps. You will be treated equally as others you equally treat others?

Mina · #15 9th August 2012, 10:44

Not sure if that's a response to me Progress? Either way, I feel I do treat my friends equally. For example, many people in new relationships make the mistake of dropping their friends, but when I got a boyfriend I carried on seeing my friends the same amount.

Progress · #16 9th August 2012, 10:54

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mina

Not sure if that's a response to me Progress? Either way, I feel I do treat my friends equally. For example, many people in new relationships make the mistake of dropping their friends, but when I got a boyfriend I carried on seeing my friends the same amount.

No, sorry, it was just coincidence we posted at the same time.
Just a possible irony I was wondering about.

Mina · #17 9th August 2012, 11:02

Ok, I thought you were asking me the question

I think it is an interesting question Progress, because there are lots of reasons why friends may become distant from feeling you are not treating them equally
- As I said before, if someone gets a new partner they may call you less and that can make a person feel less valuable as a friend
- Same again if you get a new job and have less free time (have seen this mentioned in another thread)

Progress · #18 9th August 2012, 11:07

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mina

Ok, I thought you were asking me the question

I think it is an interesting question Progress, because there are lots of reasons why friends may become distant from feeling you are not treating them equally
- As I said before, if someone gets a new partner they may call you less and that can make a person feel less valuable as a friend
- Same again if you get a new job and have less free time (have seen this mentioned in another thread)

Exactly. It happens all the time, I've been on the end of it. Us sensitive types take it very personally and blame ourselves but I'm sure it happens to everyone at some time. I lost a friend a while back because they got a new busy job. I took it quite personally at first, but now try to see it as just one of those things.