Becoming increasingly cynical

[Sunrise]

Does anyone else feel like this? Just a general feeling of cynicism about life in general as they get older?

I'm 34 next month. And yes, I know someone is going to read that and chuckle to themselves because they're nearly twice my age and a young whippersnapper like myself shouldn't be worrying about this at my youthful age, but I think the past few years I've become very cynical.

Ironically my mental health issues, sa certainly, is a lot better than it was 10-15 years ago. I used to be very inroverted and lacking in confidence, and I am a lot better these days, but not necessarily in a good way. I think I was a much nicer person when I was more introverted. I'm a lot more argumentative these days. At one time I wouldn't have said boo to a goose, but these days I'm so stubborn and prickly. I'm probably not a very nice person to be around.

When it comes to therapy, the mere mention of it these days makes me roll my eyes and sigh. I've tried it so many times any attempt now is just boring. I remember how hopeful I was when I was young, but now I just see it as the same old tiresome bullshit repeated over and over again.

The same goes for meeting people. Frankly I'm an arsehole, and meeting people doesn't seem to make me any less of one. I remember a few years ago repeatedly pushing myself into situations where I would try and meet people and for various reasons the results were disappointing. I feel so dishearted about that sort of thing now. When it comes to "dating" the very mention of the word gives me a headache. I really can't be bothered with that charade anymore. I don't get any sort of enjoyment from it, it just feels like a chore.

I feel I can honestly say that throughout my life I've tried my best, but I feel like I'm being told I'm a failure. Why do I need therapy? Is what I'm doing wrong? Have I not done enough? I feel like I'm constanly being told that I'm not good enough because my life isn't a certain way. I'm trying my best you know.

This pandemic has really affected how I'm feeling right now. Because I'm a "key worker" (minimum wage retail-ha) my days consist of going to work dealing with a huge workload and getting all sorts of abuse from the general public; and then coming home and staying alone at home unable to really do anything. To be honest I'm not really a fan of people right now - it's amazing how offended people can be when you politely remind them to stay 2 metres apart or tell them they can't buy 24 bottles of uht milk. I'm not gaining any sense of pride from the situation. Doctors, nurses, care workers etc are the people who I'm proud of. It's mad that right now so many people are making unbelievable sacrifices whereas others are behaving in the most unpleasantly selfish manner imagineable.

I'm not depressed, and I try not to be bitter, but I feel like I'm getting to the stage where I just don't care anymore. When I was young I had a lot of issues, but at the same time I still had a lot of hope. I had lots of ambitions and things I wanted to acheive. Now I have less issues but I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I wouldn't want to go back to what my life was like at 21, bit I'd love to still have the same amount of enthusiasm.

[Footloose1949]

Couldn't agree more about all those who everyone is relying upon, many of which are paid the minimum wage and are on zero-hour contracts and have to face abuse from selfish, arrogant and downright rude people. I, have always been a bit of an introvert, but have found the 'lockdown' a really weird experience in that in this instance, I have to avoid people and it has revealed to me, how isolated I am, because I haven't got that network of friends other people have, to interact with and that makes me feel lonely.

[choirgirl]

I completely agree about the keyworker situation. This sort of madness seems to typify the direction of travel in this country. I'm sorry that people are being obnoxious.

I also identify with the missing the youthful enthusiasm. In my case I was more resilient when I was younger I think. I feel like I've run out of it. Why do you think you're being told you're a failure? Who by? By the media? By people in real life? By the voice in your head?

[Sunrise]

The message I'm a failure comes from therapy. All it tells me is that I'm doing everything wrong, not trying hard enough, not doing what I should be doing. I feel like I'm being told that I should be unhappy because my lifestyle isn't normal. It isn't what's expected, and I should be doing certain things to make me happy. It's not just therapy, the message is everywhere: I'm just not good enough. I'm not the one saying that, I'm being told that through my experiences.

Yes I may have warped beliefs from years of isolation, but this is all I know. I'm doing the best I can. I don't have the emotional maturity to have any sort of real connection with anyone else. All that trying does is bring me misery and unhappiness. I don't enjoy the reality of relationships with others. I find it very stressful and impossible to cope with for any length of time.

I've been asking myself why I've been working 50 hour weeks on minimum wage putting my own safety at risk. I'm not sure if the safety aspect bothers me. I fully expect I'll get covid 19 sooner or later, especially as social distancing seems to have gone out the window the past few weeks. I just question why I'm doing it. I'm helping keep the world going (in the most minor way possible), but from a personal point of view I don't know what my motivation is. I don't have a family I need to provide for. I don't really have any hopes, dreams or ambitions. I'm just going through the motions really.

I feel like my life is worthless and disposable. My role in life right now is as cannon fodder. This is a horrible, selfish way if thinking given current circumstances, but I'm a horrible, selfish person.

[Dougella]

^ What kind of therapy did you have? Because I know that some people have struggled with CBT because it made them feel that way.


Maybe work keeps you busy and sort of keeps you going. Like you say what you're doing is useful (it must be if you've been working through the pandemic!)

[gregarious_introvert]

Well, young whippersnapper, this old man isn't chuckling at all! I sincerely doubt that you're an "arsehole" (nice to see the British spelling for a change, thank you!) or "horrible" and "selfish" (ok, we're all a bit selfish), you have too much self-insight for that. It seems to me that you've been getting the wrong therapy (I have serious issues myself with CBT and you might like to check out one of the many books available on ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - which may be more suited to you); nobody has the right to tell you that your lifestyle isn't "normal" or that you're not good enough (for what?).

I'm pretty sure that my lifestyle has never been "normal" but it has made me happy (that lifestyle has changed much over the years); you have to choose the life which is right for you, not one which fits the expectations of others. In terms of being "good enough", I would ask why you are told that? Life isn't an exam or an interview, it's something unique to every one of us and if you are living the life which suits you, then you are good enough. Happiness may be influenced by others, but it comes from within and you can only be happy by living life on your own terms.

If you don't enjoy interactions with others, then don't have them; there are people who use this very forum who have minimal social contact and enjoy a world of books, art, cross-stitch or whatever it is in which they find pleasure. You say that you have no hopes, dreams or ambitions and don't know what your motivation is, but also mention that you are not depressed: how do you know? Depression isn't something which arrives suddenly and makes a massive change to our lives, it creeps in slowly, gradually sucking away everything which gives life any pleasure or meaning, stealing motivation and hope until all we are doing is existing. What you describe could indeed be depression.

We each need to find our own meaning for our lives; whatever lifestyle you choose, whatever things you enjoy, however you choose to identify, let nobody tell you that you are wrong or unworthy for feeling or being that way. Self-acceptance is the first step towards happiness and I think that may be where you need to start.

[sophie79]

I think this just naturally happens with age. We get older and wiser and less idealistic. Cynicism isn't bad in of itself if it gives you a more realistic view of the world. Like anything in life too much of it can be a bad thing.

[Sunrise]

All of my past hopes, dreams and aspirations were very "normal" things, yet my attempts at achieving them went very badly. I've always been so far out of my depth when attempting to do anything that involves being close to others. Even simple things that involve other people. I don't really have any good memories of doing things with others. The problem is that I am an arsehole. I'm an absolute liability. A "toxic person" seems to be the modern word to describe someone like me. I don't offer the positivity and inspiration that people look for.

Is therapy aimed at this sort of thing? It's not a medical condition. It isn't depression, depression is a short term condition that people overcome with the right support. My situation is very long term and I've been in and out of mental health services for nearly 20 years.

My life is about survival and damage limitation. I work to earn money that I spend on food and accommodation to keep me alive. I haven't had ambitions for a long time. Even the simple ambitions I had like wanting to go to gigs and festivals, the reality of it was crap. The fantasy ambition was all about having a good time with friends. The reality was going on my own (occasionally with fairweather aquaintances), getting drunk, embarrasing myself and getting upset. This applies to so many things where the reality was no fun at all.

This isn't how normal people experience life, is it?

I can't complain though. It's my own fault for being a bitter loser who had a bad attitude, was too lazy and never tried hard enough. Thanks cbt.

[choirgirl]

I know what you mean about survival and damage limitation. And in my case, constantly deferring gratification - oh that can wait, etc etc. I think the value of ordinary labour has really declined over the last few decades which can be demoralising in itself. I don't think depression is always short term, it tends to come and go.

I thought you said you had friends, even though you couldn't see what they like about you? All I can say is, forget the CBT, it obviously isn't working for you. That doesn't mean nothing will.

[Sunrise]

I don't really have friends, I just know people. I'm seen as a bit of a loveable loser type. They might like me, but they don't respect me. They're certainly not the supportive type of friends who build you up. In fact some are very quick with their brutal criticism. If that's what friendship is I'm not sure I want it.

Using the whole evidence based cbt approach, they're not friends at all. I just know them and call them friends out of desperation even though the evidence says they have no respect for me at all. But again using the cbt approach it's my own fault for not having any self respect?