Socially inept?

[dave81uk]

I wasn’t even aware this was a thing until I stumbled across the term and Googled it and it seemed to sum me up to a tee, more so than even social anxiety.

I can relate pretty much to all of these. https://liveboldandbloom.com/09/self...socially-inept I basically have no social skills. It’s been especially problematic now I’ve been switching between jobs basically for these reasons I can’t fit in.

It’s kind of a relief now knowing there is a name for this as I’ve suffered with this as long as I can remember, the ones I relate to the most are people giving one word answers to get away, the stuttering thing and things not coming across as intended or the old favourite me making a joke but only me being amused.

The question then is how would you even begin to tackle this?

[Percy]

You can learn to be socially ept, there are plenty of books.

[Sunrise]

Patience and a strong stomach are the main requirements to tackling this. Learning social skills at a later age isn't impossible but it's very hard work. It involves facing a lot of uncomfortable truths and you'll face a lot of criticism and rejection along the way.

The key is to not get too disheartened because it's a long and arduous process. Learn to look at any criticism you get (and you will get a lot of criticism) in an objective and constructive way. Listen to any of the negativity you get even if it does seem harsh and look for ways to improve.

This is the thing I've struggled with, because I tend to take criticism to heart. Taking responsibility I think is the key. Facing up to a lot of uncomfortable truths and criticisms is the hardest part, but it's the most important part. Admitting that the problem is with you and not other people.

It involves a lot of commitment, there will be no instant results and initially it will involve a lot of awkward situations and you'll upset a lot of people, but you can only learn from experience. That's the thing I wasn't prepared for when I first started to try and meet people because I didn't realise just how bad I was and I wasn't expecting the extremely negative reactions that I got. But realistically you're not going to suddenly be Mr or Miss popular, it takes years and involves a lot of rejection and disappointment. It's learning from that rejection and disappointment is what's important.

You need mental resilience. It's no good telling someone "you just need to meet the right people ", because you could meet a billion people but you won't get anywhere if you don't have the skills to handle the situation. You need to accept that it's going to be very hard work.

[Percy]

^ Excellent post.

[gregarious_introvert]

^ So much of communication is non-verbal (which I didn't realise until relatively recently): body language, demeanour, expression, gestures etc., plus voice tone, volume, delivery on the verbal side, so for many of us, it doesn't matter what we say, because we have been judged already (I read one report that we are often judged before meeting someone, simply by the way we approach them, another which claimed it takes less than ten seconds for people to decide whether or not we're worth getting to know). As an autist who didn't (and still doesn't, fully) understand non-verbal cues at all, this was difficult to hear, but also explained why the world viewed me with such hostility - as others didn't see me in the way I intended.

Fortunately, I had someone in my life who was able to guide me through small changes which made a massive difference; I was shocked at just how hostile and aggressive I appeared to others. I'm still learning social skills and etiquette and having started half a century late, always will be, but am now in a place where I'm able to communicate effectively enough not to attract hostility. The problem is that people rarely offer useful feedback, often assuming that we must know what they see as inate rather than learned, which is why such issues persist.

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[Merry]

^ I was thinking about this thread this morning out on my dog walk and specifically the idea that it takes a lot of work but you can learn social skills.
I live in a friendly community where people often stop to chat to one another on walks, so I have opportunities to work on my social skills and practice.
But as you say, people don't give feedback so the fact is that while I know I don't have social skills comparable to most people wandering around the same environment having a friendly chat, I have absolutely no idea what to work on or how to be any different.
I always say "hi", "hello" or "good morning" or whatever seems appropriate. I smile if they smile, if they mention the weather I say something back, after that I got nothin

[Sunrise]

One of the reasons it's so hard is that other people aren't there to teach you the social skills you might be lacking. First impressions count for a lot and if you come across as lacking social skills initially most people won't want to take on the role of teacher, they'll just move onto someone else. The majority of people will probably be initially friendly, but if you don't have the skills to build on that it will quickly fizzle out.

People talk about "support networks", but that doesn't mean they will act as your carer. For most people a support network means just having someone close to you who you can be yourself with, but if you lack social skills this is a hard thing to find. The idea of having a group of people who will actually teach you social skills and give feedback isn't very likely and wouldn't make for a very healthy friendship.

I think it took me a long time to realise that. When it comes to building social skills it all down to you. I used to think I'd find a knight in shining armour who would save me but it doesn't work like that. People have expectations and certain things they look for in a friendship/relationship, and if you don't meet that they're not going to help build you up, they'll just move on.

[choirgirl]

I worked pretty hard on my social skills in my youth, it was one of my top priorities back then. I've also not really been allowed to slip too much. I do have less normal person stuff to bond over though, which can make things awkward. There's tons of stuff I could try to improve, I am below par, sometimes I just can't be arsed to appear normal, but it is something I don't berate myself over, one of the few, because I know I put the effort in.

[gregarious_introvert]

I'm really enjoying reading this thread, although it'd be great if it could provide definitive answers, but instead I think it's proving there aren't any. At the risk of sounding patronising, I just wanted to say, Sunrise, those are two brilliant posts.

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