The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

[newbs16]

^ Maybe you could get up and dressed tomorrow and go for a nice winter walk, I know it will take all the energy you have but it might help.

Take care xx

[Consolida]

^ Thank you newbs. That is very good advice and deep down I know it's something that I need to force myself to do to start feeling better xx

[gregarious_introvert]

^^^ I'm sorry, Consolida, but whether you want replies or not, you're going to get them, because so many people here care about you. I can't speak for everybody, but I don't expect a reply of thanks (or any other kind), so please don't think that's a necessity.

You're absolutely right, life is meaningless- until we give it meaning by our thoughts, deeds, interactions... Not only does your life have meaning in the eyes of everyone you have touched, but you have also added meaning to their lives. You have touched so many lives here: there can be few of us on SAUK who haven't benefitted at some time from your unending support, sage advice (which you don't always take yourself) and just being there with your natural, selfless, caring nature.

Depression removes our motivation and sucks all the energy from us, it leaves us feeling empty, pointless, irrelevant; it is, however, an illness which can be overcome. I wish I could tell everyone what I've been doing in recent years to keep it bay, but maybe I've just been lucky? It loves wallowing, so spending all day in bed merely feeds it - and it hates fresh air, so newbs is right about that walk.

Yes, hospitals are full of frail, sick people - those (mostly) who want to live longer; you wouldn't have been there if you weren't, as you always do without thinking, being your caring and supportive self. Your life has meaning to your family and those around them and to all of us here - when you're able to find its meaning for yourself, you will see what a rare and wonderful human being you are.

Sent from my SM-J330FN using Tapatalk

[Copernicium]

Originally Posted by gregarious_introvert

there can be few of us on SAUK who haven't benefitted at some time from your unending support, sage advice (which you don't always take yourself) and just being there with your natural, selfless, caring nature.

Very true. I always think Consolida represents a motherly presence on the forum.

[limey123]

^^ What GI said. Please take care of yourself, Consolida. You are much loved and appreciated here. And no doubt even more so by your own family.

[newbs16]

^^^ You're a kind caring lady who struggles, but is also here to support forum members when they need a friend.

[Consolida]

Thank you everyone for the kind words, I'm very touched.

GI, I do try to be supportive to others as they are to me, and I care as much as is possible to care about faceless people whose lives I have only the briefest snapshots of and will never meet, but at the end of the day (sorry I hate that phrase) when I come offline I'm very insignificant and touch no lives - okay, perhaps my husband's my son's and my mum's. But apart from them, no one would notice if I disappeared forever in a puff of smoke. Most people I've come into contact with over the years (and that's a lot of years) are either indifferent to me or maybe like me a little at first but end up pitying me or disliking me the more they get to know me. I do agree with you GI when you say that I'm a rare human being but a wonderful one? Lol, are you having a laugh!

Thanks limey, you are always so incredibly supportive to myself and everyone here. It doesn't go unnoticed

Copernicium- A motherly presence? Well, I guess that's preferable to a grandmotherly presence! I don't know how old you think I am, but the fact that I'm considerably older than most posters here (but some years younger than the wise GI ) certainly doesn't make my advice worth listening to. The fact that I've been here, off and on, for donkeys years struggling with my mental health issues is proof enough that it's a case of 'do as I say NOT do as I do'

Newbs, aww, you are a sweet friend to me
I took a bit of your advice, got showered and dressed, and spent a 1 1/2 hours in the garden pulling up weeds and potting up some pansies and primroses. I must admit it did cheer me up a little being in the sunshine although it was freezing when it disappeared behind a cloud x

[Consolida]

^ Thank you Nanuq x
I hope you are being as kind to yourself as you are to others too

[Reformation]

I'm just releasing some thoughts that are eating me up at the moment. I am feeling very low with suicidal thoughts but I've never planned to act on them and suspect I never will, certainly not in the near future. I know the worst will pass and I couldn't do it to the few people who will suffer.

But the thoughts and feelings at the moment are of shame and guilt. They're so strong I can almost taste them in the back of my throat. Whether my problem is SA, low confidence, or low self esteem, I'm not sure anymore, but the resulting lack of connection I can make with people at times brings with it a huge amount of shame and guilt. I've experienced this in a big way today feeling the suppression and inability to open up due to anxiety.

I'm reminded that the feelings of shame and guilt is far stronger and harder to ignore after bad social experiences than the feelings of depression and loneliness of self isolation.

[Consolida]

^ I'm so sorry that you are struggling but am very glad to hear that you have no intention of acting on your suicidal thoughts. As you quite rightly say, the people that love you would suffer immensely if you were no longer here

You mention that you are experiencing very strong feelings of shame and guilt. Although myself and many others suffering with mental health issues will be able to totally identify with these self destructive emotions you must remind yourself that you are no more to blame for suffering with SA than someone would be to blame for suffering with any other mental or physical disease. Unjustified guilt and shame will only create and fuel your anxiety and prevent you from moving forward in a positive way. Instead of berating yourself for social situations that you perceive went badly, at least feel a little bit proud that you had the courage to step away from the safety and comfort of self isolation into a situation that is scary and unfamiliar territory.

I'm sure if anyone else on the forum had written your post you would feel nothing but compassion. It's so important that you treat yourself with the same kindness that you would show to someone else in your situation. Guilt and shame are toxic emotions if it concerns something that you have limited control over and I believe that if you could think about yourself in a more rational light, you would agree that you don’t deserve to feel as badly as you do.

Hope I haven't rambled on too much!

Take care of yourself Reformation

[Reformation]

^ Thank you very much Consolida. You're an asset to this forum and you are so generous with your time and words and how you help people here. I shed a tear reading your post because it was personal to me and it was very nice to have someone listen, respond and care. I don't feel I have that much of that in any area of my life and I am very grateful to you. Thank you, you might not know how much it really means but it really does mean a lot and those words have made me feel better

And from someone who offers so much, it's upsetting to know you're struggling at the moment. Please be kind to yourself, try and make time to do something you enjoy. And although difficult try and do something your body and mind will thank you for such as exercise. Reading through the thread it's great to hear you took some ideas and did a few things to make you feel a little better

[Consolida]

^ Aww, seriously, you've got me shedding tears now. THANK YOU x

[Utopia]

Not sure what to do with my feelings, lately I've felt that suicide is my most likely cause of death atm... unbelievably miserable nearly all the time, by this time all I can feel is intense pain in my chest sapping all my energy and drive, I wish someone would work with me instead of always against me. Depression can be cured by genuine social acceptance and inclusion, even if someone is miserable, lonely or bad tempered, it is just like a vicious cycle otherwise and I want to be more productive.

[Consolida]

^ I wish I knew what to say to you to make you feel just a little less desolate and alone

Our time here is short so please try to resist the urge to hasten your passing. If you have family they would be totally devastated if you were gone.

I find it quite hard to talk about now but in my distant past I tried a number of times not to be here and came extremely close to succeeding on one occasion. I won't go into detail, but obviously I lived to tell the tale and am so very glad that I did. I went on to have my beloved child and to experience some of my happiest times. I still had some awful times too but I knew that I would get through it because I had already come through the very worst.

It's difficult to believe that it's possible to ever feel okay again when you are trapped within a never ending cycle of destructive thoughts and self loathing but it does pass eventually. I remember how very low you were when you first started posting here and how in time your mood gradually lifted and your confidence seemed to grow. You will reach that better place again.

SA can be so cruel because it can prevent us from being our true selves and most people we meet never have the chance to discover all of our many wonderful qualities. If they did, as the folk on here do, they would quickly learn how lucky they would be to have you within their lives.

Are you seeing a therapist or counsellor Utopia? I think talking to someone about how you are feeling at the moment may help you. It's a long time ago, but I used to attend meet up's and groups with other SA sufferers and it was the first time that I had ever experienced a sense of belonging. Of not being so different and alone. I guess SAUK makes me feel that way too or I wouldn't have stuck around for so long!

You make sure you keep sticking around too x

[Utopia]

I mean, I'm not giving up that easily -- I realise I have to keep fighting -- even if my chances are not spectacular. I think my family would be devastated, and also relieved in another sense, I just can't see their love sometimes, but it's one of the things to feel positive about, even now. I guess in families there is always a mixture of emotions, but the truth is I think they would be devastated, but really it's my responsibility to improve things, despite my depressive mood.

My mood has started to improve, ever so slightly recently, probably due to the increase antidepressant dose, but I can't get my hopes up as so many times this has only had a temporary effect on my mood -- it's almost like a switch, where I'm feeling great in one mode, and then completely ungrateful and depressed in the other. What worries me is if things get even worse externally (my mind is all too aware of this possibility) then I will have a depressive mood-swing that will make me want to die. Today I was fine, there is some variability in my mood/motivation and are genuinely not much to do with the externals -- it's just like I can cope better and therefore I feel motivated to participate in hobbies and mix with others more, and I feel that they respond to me better.

I am seeing a therapist, I haven't had any improvement with it, but I am trying to remain open minded.

I'm sorry to hear about your own suicidal feelings, it does scare me, I guess I can still conceptualise things and realise that it is a significant probability... I was ok today, but I feel so bad that it takes a lot of energy just to not shut down completely.

[Dougella]

^ If you're finding that seeing a therapist isn't helping so far you might want to try someone different, obviously that's not always easy depending on whether you're going through the NHS or not.

[gregarious_introvert]

^^^ I don't have much to add to Consolida's excellent post to you, Utopia, but I - and many others here - know first-hand what depression can (and does) do to the best of us; it's cruel that we can think we've put our darkest days behind us and then it returns, as if from nowhere, to put us right back there again. I've been depression free for five or more years now (even though there have been times when I thought it was returning) but the knowledge that it could return at any time still haunts me. The only thing I can ask of you is to remember that you have fought your way out of this in the past and that you can do it again.

You have come a long way, but every journey has its setbacks - I hope that you will be able to see that this is all it is and that you will soon be able to enjoy life again.

[Utopia]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ If you're finding that seeing a therapist isn't helping so far you might want to try someone different, obviously that's not always easy depending on whether you're going through the NHS or not.

Yes it was on the NHS, unfortunately my problems a bit more complex than she realises and she just hasn't had the same experiences I have with people, I try to remain open minded and give things a try, but some of the things she suggested has made me feel worse. Overall I haven't had any improvement with my mood so I think I may as well stop doing going and let them make some progress with the waiting list for others who might benefit more than me.

[Dougella]

^ Yes it's really good you've kept an open mind and given it a try because you never know with these things. It is ok to say to your therapist that you think she might not be understanding the complexity of your experiences, they are there to help you after all. She might be able to refer you to someone else who has a different approach.

[Consolida]

Such dark dark thoughts and images in my head of hurting myself very badly.

Even when this Pandemic is finally over my life isn't going to be any easier. Just lots more doom and gloom to come. Everyone is sharing stuff on Facebook about how wonderful it will be when the Pandemic is finally over and friends and neighbours can hug in the street blah, blah, blah, and I even found myself getting sucked up into that but as I've always been a social outcast it means nothing to me. Nothing will improve, only get worse.

If my elderly mother is 'lucky' enough to survive the Pandemic she will have to start up her postponed chemotherapy treatment for an incurable cancer.

Also, after 20 plus years of prescribing me benzodiazepines my Private Shrink has suddenly chosen to stop prescribing them (no helping me to wean off of them slowly first) and told me to go to my GP if I need help despite him obviously having not noticed that the world is in the middle of a flaming Pandemic. He put the phone number of the Samaritans at the end of his casual email incase I'm feeling suicidal I assume. How kind. I've paid him thousands of pounds over the years and he specialises in addictions so why won't he help me who is addicted to the pills he has been giving me? I requested to see the letter that he has written to send to my GP and in it, while he talks about me having 'anxiety issues' and being addicted to Lorazepam he doesn't once mention that it was him who was prescribing them. Neither does he say how long I've been on them.

I don't have many pills left and after more or less begging him he agreed to send me one more months worth to 'tide me over'. But I've not received anything yet. The Pharmacy hasn't phoned. When I asked his secretary again in an email to confirm that I was going to receive a final prescription she chose to ignore the question.

I started hacking at my arm with some scissors - something I never do - as I feel so angry with myself for being in this situation. It's my own fault for accepting the benzodiazepines that my Shrink has been prescribing for all these years.

I'm feeling resentful about having a beloved family because at least if I had nobody in the world there would be nothing to prevent me from opting out of life. In that respect, I envy people who have nobody. I can't even face phoning my mum at the moment who is lonely and self isolating because I won't be able to hide how utterly miserable I am feeling.

I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel

[Moksha]

I know how you feel about your family Consolida. I sometimes wish I didn’t have a mother and sister to worry about. If it wasn’t for them, I would seriously consider opting out of this horrible world, and I wouldn’t give a damn if the virus killed me.

Your psychiatrist is such an irresponsible tw*t for cutting you off like this. To do so at the best of times would be staggeringly callous, but to do it when your mother is ill and you are freaking out (like everyone else) over this pandemic, is just astonishing. In my experience, you need at least six months (ideally a year) to fully wean yourself off those kinds of pills. It took me one whole year to get clean of seroxat. If it had been up to my imbecile of a GP, I would still be on them. He told me I couldn’t survive without them. Well, it’s been six years since I took anything, so shows what they know. A GP did this to my poor gran. He cut her off cold turkey, and it was my mother who had to nurse her through the awful side effects. You have every right to be furious.

[Dougella]

^^ Consolida Please don't blame yourself, the situation is entirely your psychiatrist's fault for prescribing you the meds in a way that wasn't safe in the first place and now cutting you off in such a dangerous way. I expect he has lots of other patients in exactly the same situation as you're in now and I dread to think what people will do if they don't have any support.

Hopefully you will get the prescription for the next month and you can get help from your GP. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself please because you're a lovely person.

[Chess&Junkfood]

Im really sorry to hear what you are going through Consolida. I have tried writing a post previously, but I can't find the right words to say. But I still wanted you to know that I think you are one of the most thoughtful and caring members on the forum. And as Dougella has already said, please look after yourself, because you are certainly a lovely person

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Dougella

Consolida Look after yourself and be kind to yourself please because you're a lovely person.

^ This.

[girlinterrupted]

@Consolida So sorry you're going through so much,especially all at once. It really can feel like life is taking the p*** sometimes can't it? Please try not to blame yourself,it's just a really really sh***y combination of circumstances. For what it's worth,I can relate. It actually makes me feel sadder when hearing/seeing people online cheer themselves up with the thought of being reunited with the people they're missing,when I know I can't be. My Drs have been prescribing diazepam on and off since I was 18,basically constantly since I was 21 (almost 44 now) and I know at some point they are going to stop,it's been mentioned for a few years now and has to be reviewed regularly. Luckily I'm not physically addicted (only take them on an `as and when` basis) but like you I have no clue how I will cope on those occasions without them,or in-between knowing that `safety net` has gone. I'm sorry I have no useful advice,I have no clue what to do myself,but at least know others can totally understand the sheer terror and level of stress,and that we do care. Please take care of yourself,use any hotline you can have access to (might be better than nothing?)and vent as much as possible,offline and on here

@Moksha Sorry you had to go through that,my GPs and CPN also told me years ago,in my mid-twenties I think,when I questioned if the anti-depressants I was on at the time were still having any effect (to me it didn't seem so) that I have (had?) `systemic clinical depression` and that I would never be able to be anti-depression free,that it would be lifelong. I ended up staying on meds until I was 37ish,as even though I continued to feel they were doing nothing (other than making me feel disconnected and numb) I was scared I would feel even worse if I tried to stop them. In the end I had another sort of nervous breakdown,OCD went into full-throttle and I came off them cold turkey (accidentally) as I became too hysterical to even be near them,nvm touch or take them (don't ask ). As it turned out I was very lucky as I never noticed a single withdrawal symptom and my CPN just laughed as he said `oh well that's just like you to be different`. Have never taken anything since for the depression,and am very resistant to even the idea,having felt how I was only aware much they changed me after I was off them. I also had a friend who was taken off anti-psychotics cold turkey,by his CMHT,and then while withdrawing from those and in the middle of weeks of constant psychosis also told to come off all his other meds cold turkey by the same team,inc. ADs and mood stabilisers. Suffice to say it did not go well. It makes me so fricking angry so-called medical professionals do this,they're not the ones whose lives have to be pieced back together,nor the ones who do the mending!

[gregarious_introvert]

Consolida, I really don't know what to say; I don't have any experience of prescription drugs, but I can't imagine that being asked to go "cold turkey" after twenty years is a viable option. I would get in touch with your GP without delay to discuss a way forward, perhaps a gradual withdrawal. As girlinterrupted (the real GI) has stated, it's an unfortunate combination of circumstances - it couldn't have come at a worse time.

You and I both know the damage which depression does and how hopeless things can seem, but there would be a lot of people here who would feel more hopeless without the support, kindness and wise words you offer - you really are a lovely person and you do need to be as kind to yourself as you are to others (as several others have said above). I wish there were more I could say or do which might help, but I just hope that knowing how loved you are here brings you some small comfort.

By the way, those of us who have nobody envy those who have somebody.

[Merritt]

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, Consolida

It boggles the mind that your psychiatrist could be aware of your reliance on Lorazepam, even referring to it himself as an addiction (that he gave you!) and then just cut you off from them. The fact that he's done this at one of the most isolating and anxiety-inducing times in modern history is beyond negligent.

It's easier said than done, I know, but you have every right to make as much noise to anyone who'll listen about your situation until something gets done. Whether it be your GP, crisis support, his receptionist, anyone.

None of this is your fault, and you don't deserve to suffer more, though I totally understand the impulse

Also just wanted to echo your feelings about what comes after this pandemic is over. Although of course I want things to get back to normal for everyone's sake, the reality is very little will tangibly change for me, and I'll be just as isolated as I am now. It's depressing to think that the kind of situation most people will be climbing the walls over for the next few weeks/months is more or less the norm for me, without any end date in sight. I feel bad for even thinking about that sort of thing knowing how awful things are for a lot of people, and I don't for a second believe that I ultimately have it worse or harder than anyone else, but when it comes to isolation it's a bit like being in prison and hearing everyone talk about their upcoming release dates while you're facing a life sentence.

[Merritt]

Thanks for the lovely posts, Nanuq and Raks I appreciate the offer of PMing, but even that feels a bit beyond me at the moment Can't seem to even keep up with replying to text messages with family.

I think the current climate is really feeding into the sense of being passively suicidal that to an extent I've had most of my life. That feeling of not valuing life, and not even wanting to. Sort of like, fine, I'll stick around while things are manageable, but I want to be prepared to take action if and when things aren't. It's hard not to imagine what the world will be like in the near future, and considering how completely unequipped I've been for life when things were sort-of-OK, I want to retain the option of checking out if everything truly goes to shit. It'd actually be far scarier not to feel this way, to actually want to live no matter what. I think I'd go mad.

[Consolida]

Thank you Moksha, Dougella, Chess&Junkfood, limey, girlinterrupted, gregarious-introvert, Nanuq, and Merrit (apologies if i've missed anyone) for all of your very kind words and the lovely Raks for the thoughtful PM

The support I receive here on the forum always means a great deal to me and makes me wish that I had such nice offline friends. But if that was the case I guess I wouldn't need to come here.

Am still feeling incredibly low but also feeling guilty for my poor me posts as I do realise I have a great deal to be very thankful for.


@ Merrit Don't you go checking yourself out anytime soon because, as Nanuq said, your intelligent posts are some of the best and often make me smile

It's one hell of a tough time for everyone at the moment but I think it's extra hard for folk with mental health problems because they often don't have friends or even family to help buoy them up.
I'm constantly amazed at how many real life friends some of my extrovert acquaintances on Facebook have and just how much they rely on the support of these friends to keep them sane. I am certain many would have sunk long ago if they were living the sort of isolated lives that many of the folk who post here have had to endure. It kind of shows how incredibly strong and resilient we actually are. We should at least give ourselves some credit for that. Also, we should never under estimate the importance of online friends and people on support forums

[newbs16]

^ Take care of yourself and your family.