Getting close to people

[crazyfan]

Why is it so difficult for me to get close to people and move on from the kind of distant relationships I have at the moment where I feel no one really knows me.

Anyone else experience this?

[Z.]

Because we don't open up to people as much as we need to. If we don't open up it's difficult to establish emotional connections with people. It makes us feel distant and alienated. The solution then is to feel comfortable with people to the point where we can open up emotionally, and intellectually. That's why certain people with SA have strong relationships. They feel comfortable around some people which makes them express themselves, which then creates an emotional bond.
I also think it's hard because it's often difficult for us to get to know someone to the point where we can open up and speak our mind, due to a lack of social skills.

[lone ranger]

I can relate, I think a lot of it is having the courage to put yourself out there a bit. Far easier said than done, trust me I know. I can't take my own advice so I don't expect anyone else to. But there are occasions when you might just be glad you did make a move.
Try inviting a potential friend for a quick drink?
Overall it depends on what how much you want people to know, what you want them to see of you and how much your willing to risk to get it. And ofcourse, it takes time. Sorry there's no 'quick fix', if there is, someone let me know.

[jenny4]

Yes, crazyfan, I completely relate to this.

I was born shy, it's in my biological make up. I think this along with environmental factors made me go on to develop low self-esteem and then SA. I've always been very sensitive to any kind of conflict and growing up, I would always be the peace-keeper or people pleaser. It worked well to avoid conflict and allowed me to get by, but I was paying a high price for my quiet life. Every now and again, my own needs would bubble up and manifest themselves in all sorts of self-destructive ways. I've never been able to express my needs to others like many people can, and I know that until I learn to do this, I'll never find the closeness I'd like to find.

[black_mamba]

Be "open", show and talk about your vulnerabilities and fears. They are likely to open up in return. And with that level of emotional honesty usually comes a level of closeness.

[lone*star]

Originally Posted by crazyfan

Why is it so difficult for me to get close to people and move on from the kind of distant relationships I have at the moment where I feel no one really knows me.

Good question! I suppose the first point to consider is, do you really want to get close to people? If so, why? As others have said, getting close to people involves making personal sacrifices. It means opening up to them emotionally and making yourself vulnerable to them. Immediately, you've changed your relationship with that person (or people) immeasurably.

Trust suddenly becomes an extremely important factor - can you trust the person/people that you've opened up to not to abuse that trust by using your vulnerability against you at some stage? So getting close to people isn't necessarily as simple as it might appear from your present 'safe' distance.

The other question I would ask is, who, in any case, is this "me" that you feel no one really knows? What is it that other people would be knowing if they did become close to you? In other words, what is it about you that you want other people to know exactly?

The fact is that human beings are constantly changing - minute by minute - both physically and mentally. So in that sense, it's not even possible to 'know someone' completely - not even yourself! Personally I've got to the stage now where I don't even see any need to get close to anyone. If it happened by chance, I'm not saying I would necessarily be against it, but it's no longer something I actively seek out in life.

[GoldFish]

The hardest thing i find is getting close to funny or witty people, because they seem to crave banter or funny conversation in a very needy way, like food for them, in those scenarios i am very hit and miss. Often i just can't think of a response so i just laugh instead..

I simply haven't lived or experienced enough to engage those sorts of people and i feel like nothing in comparison to those witty eternal optimists who always have interesting things to say...

However i can form good bonds with nerdy, mild mannered people, or less socially intimidating people.

I seem to find many peoples confidence or ego a bit intimidating, weirdly. I like placid or nice, less ego for some reason.

[Tembo]

Originally Posted by GoldFish

The hardest thing i find is getting close to funny or witty people, because they seem to crave banter or funny conversation in a very needy way, like food for them, in those scenarios i am very hit and miss. Often i just can't think of a response so i just laugh instead..
.

Could of written that myself!

[Stotch]

Originally Posted by crazyfan

Why is it so difficult for me to get close to people and move on from the kind of distant relationships I have at the moment where I feel no one really knows me.

Anyone else experience this?

How close you wanting to get, we talking sweaty handshake or awkwardly long hug? What exactly do you want to share with others?

[iTz0kt0Bu]

Why is it hard to open up, lots of us sa'ers know opening up can help us but it's very hard for some of us.

Tbh though we don't need to please everyone. Not everyone would understand us.

[pheys]

it's scary to let people in because its then so easy to get hurt; so you end up putting barriers up to keep people kinda close but arms length.

[Tom Morello]

I find in most cases "opening up" just gives other people more reason to not want to be my friend or ignore/turn down my offers to meet up.

[Progress]

^ Yes, I think opening up too early or too much might not be a good idea. When I try and be a bit open about myself (not very often probably) I like to keep it fairly light and brief. I try to mention something quite quickly maybe in a jokey way, so as not to put the other person off or make the moment awkward. They know something a bit more personal about me but I've not put any pressure on them to respond or talk about it. It's up to them then.

[Tom Morello]

Thing is people I seem to talk to don't tell me much about themselves even when I ask, so I just end up talking about myself to keep a conversation going. I just want to chat, but I don't get much back. Maybe I just ask poor questions or I'm weird, or both.

[Phantomy]

Getting close to someone and opening up means they discover your weaknesses and lack of experience. This is assumed to be a negative thing I guess therefore it must be avoided. You (and I) presume ourselves inferior and not worthy? Or something along these lines!

Also you become more committed to that person and this can be a source of anxiety... ?

[Sunshine Recorder]

Opening up to 90% of the population is near impossible for me at the moment. I find people who talk to others all the time too socially intimidating. I find I open up to people a lot more slowly than others seem to do.

[GoldFish]

Ive noticed a trend though.

Many people are so good at banter and conversation, humour that if they sense you are too slow to keep up, they assume you are stupid, rude or daft..even though i can be funny and interesting. Some people can be that way 24/7 because they have huge levels of self confidence that almost feels surreal to those not as confident...

Socially intimidating people tend to like to be the centre attention and show off alot.

[Progress]

Originally Posted by Antony

Getting close to someone and opening up means they discover your weaknesses and lack of experience. This is assumed to be a negative thing I guess therefore it must be avoided. You (and I) presume ourselves inferior and not worthy? Or something along these lines!

Also you become more committed to that person and this can be a source of anxiety... ?

The usual source of anxiety is being uncomfortable with weaknesses/lack of experience/whatever else it might be, and trying to cover up these things.

The way forward is to become more comfortable with those things (no easy task at all). Then we feel slightly more OK about revealing them to others, and it can get to a point of being therapeutic to do so. I think it's a tricky one, because if we're not comfortable with something, revealing it will make it worse, but once we're more OK with it, revealing it really helps with getting to know people. For me it's been part of the hard road to recovery.

[iTz0kt0Bu]

^Yeah, the thread I made about work is an example. Although tbh, it feels like the anger and shame that comes from what some colleagues do is more deep rooted. It connects to some negative experiences at school. Eg. Being called boring and stuff, I know that doesn't seem like a big deal but when it happens repeatedly it can cause a poor self image/esteem, but it depends on circumstances. It's like society can highly influence who you become, it doesn't need to though.

[Progress]

^ If someone feels the need to criticise unnecessarily or to set out to annoy for the sake of it, it just shows their immaturity and self esteem issues. Mature decent people just don't do that.

[tryinghard]

I have this feeling sometimes too, but make sure you're not just blaming yourself here instead of noticing incompatibility. Do you and the people you are trying to get close to actually have anything in common? Do they say things that excite you? Is it just nerves on your part? (You have something to say but can't say it?) Or is that you find people difficult to talk to because there isn't shared ground?

It can be a difficult distinction to make. I struggled with it when I was shy. Now I'm not shy I'm better able to tell when I just don't have anything in common with a person and that's why I can't bond. Find the people who are right for you

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by Progress

I think it's a tricky one, because if we're not comfortable with something, revealing it will make it worse, but once we're more OK with it, revealing it really helps with getting to know people. For me it's been part of the hard road to recovery.

Yes it's a cycle that needs an almighty push to break through.

My advice would be to pay attention to the vulnerabilities and fears others tend to share, especially happy people. Prove to yourself you are not unique in having these, and that they do not define you.

Sometimes people hide them very well, but sometimes they don't. Some people will gladly talk about past mistakes they've made, the fear of being alone, bodily functions and all manner of things you might assume everyone gets embarrassed about.

Originally Posted by GoldFish

Ive noticed a trend though.

Many people are so good at banter and conversation, humour that if they sense you are too slow to keep up, they assume you are stupid, rude or daft..even though i can be funny and interesting. Some people can be that way 24/7 because they have huge levels of self confidence that almost feels surreal to those not as confident...

Socially intimidating people tend to like to be the centre attention and show off alot.

But you don't have to reflect the same personality back at them, certainly not all of them. I've noticed that certain loud people are often dismayed that no one seems to want to get to know the person behind the clown, no one willing to cut through the banter. If someone is making you laugh that's great, sure maybe a few silly remarks here and there will engender them to you, but you don't have to abandon your style of communication entirely. Just my opinion based on experiences with too many extroverts.