Making a new start

[Peyre]

I've finally realised, perhaps mainly due to the failure of my first "serious" relationship that I really need to make a fresh start.

I've been battling with depression and anxiety for years since I was a teenager. I HAVE made progress, and realising this is an important step. I can go out and socialise, although I prefer quieter pursuits, there is no shame in it. Big social events still scare me, the anxiety really kicks in. I still have massive BDD issues, there is a constant war of positive and negative thoughts going on in my head.

I had been suffering with depression and anxiety quite badly this winter. My health always deterioriates in the winter, I've been diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder to add to the misery. Unfortonately, this relationship conincided with the clocks going back which is generally the marker for my depression and anxiety increasing ten fold.

I'd been working for a smallish company that deal with IT support within primary schools, whilst I liked the actual job, I hated the way I had to do my job. Things were really starting to get at me. On the positive side, I did start to notice more female attention coming my way.

I met a teacher through work, and everything seemed pretty surreal. She said she had a crush on me and I did believe that, we'd been flirting for a while, I walked her home after a social night out, and things just took off from there. While I was never really "that" comftable with her, because of my self-esteem, there were moments of utter bliss. To me she seemed to be this angel sent from heaven to rescue me, I was far too concerned about being perfect and impressing her, trying to get to know her too quickly and force a bond. Well she didn't rescue me, and this is a warning to all SA'ers who think a relationship will solve your problems. It can help, sometimes it can send you back years. A good relationship is of course desireable to anyone, but a good relationship cannot be forced, and a good relationship requires two compatible people. More importantly you need to be in the right frame of mind. I don't think I can blame her in anyway for the breakdown, perhaps she just isn't right for me, perhaps she could never be with someone with as many issues as I have. If we had talked earlier about it, who knows what would have happened.

Anyway, the breakup hit my hard. I had handed in my resignation previously, boosted by the confidence of thinking I had a lovely lady on my side. We broke up just before Christmas which left me devastated and unemployed, which is never a good combination! She wasn't fully aware of the extent of my problems, and she isn't the kinda girl to "talk" about such issues, she's extremely independant and I totally recognise how clingy and suffocating I was.

Luckily I've managed to find myself a job with a reputable company that do the same line of work. The problem is, the client sites are over in the Essex an North-East London direction, and commuting from North-West London will be a bit of a drag. I'm going to move out, I'm gonna try House-Shares My parents are splitting up anyway, with my mum moving out, and I don't want to live with dad. We just don't get on. Now is the time,

Things are exciting and scary. It's gonna be a new start. Of course I'll keep in touch with close friends and family (or which there are only a handful, but some of the best you can ask for) I won't exactly be miles away.

I'm gonna make a real effort to take risks, meet lots of new people, I'm want to start attending support groups again to ensure I can get into the right place mentally for a relationship and the challenges of a new job, and I'd love to get to know and have people in my life that DO understand the issues I'm up against.

(If there are any SAUK'ers in the North, North-East London area that know of flat shares etc I'd more than appreciate contact from you) I'm gonna need some new friends to help me through it I'm sure.

Wish me luck

[richie-t]

Peyre, I can relate to your situation so much. Do you mind me asking your age? Do you take any medication?

Sorry to hear your relationship didn't work out. I've also had a long term one fail this year, and I'm left wondering when I'll ever find another.

I'm 28 and still live at home, I'm thinking I might need to move out this year but I'm scared to do so.

[Peyre]

I'm 23. I've been on and off medication. Mirtazapine generally works, but it also sends my appertitite in orbit and makes me extremely drozy at the same time. Sometimes I hate how robotic it made me, but sometimes I think you just need that to get on in life. I'm seriously considering going back on them, particularly if I'm struggling with the new start I'm about to embark on.

I think you just have to realise that with relationships, you're thinking about and stressing about 1 person out of the thousands you will meet during your life.

At least now I have the experience of being in a relationship. I can use it for later in life, and deep down its going to make me stronger. We've ended it on pretty good terms, we both want muturally want us to get on well in life.

I think maybe support from your parents is crucial. I think we all need to try to face our fears and see what happens, because 95% of the time, the fear is worse than the reality.

[richie-t]

I think this is the annoying thing. For me, I know this is all stupid and most the time I'm not even aware of my thoughts that cause my anxiety. I have gad aswell as sa so makes it all the more frustrating.

Essentially its making things that should be really enjoyable, like hell....moving out, going on holiday, going on stag do's etc etc

[luluab]

Good luck with your future..... just go for it.

Making steps can be scary but having been there, still working on my sa also, but wow i can say i dont want to ever look back, my life is really going in the right diection.

As the saying goes no pain no gain...