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#1
18th January 2012, 13:02
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Why aren't you in a relationship?
That's a loaded question, I know, and it won't apply to everyone...
I've been reading through some threads, though, hearing people mention that they're alone and feel they always will be, but the reasons seem diverse... Like they're all based around social anxiety, but the effects are different for everyone. I myself have been in a long-distance relationship for something like five or six years now... I'm 23, and she's the only girl who's really shown any interest in me, ever. We met online on an art site, and she's from Canada. We've met a few times, but spend most of our time apart due to the costs and hassle involved in planning visits. We talk every day, and I rely on her for emotional support so much, but it seems like soon, I won't have her anymore, since she's going away to university and probably won't have any interest in me since she'll be surrounded by other guys flirting with her, while I just drag her down with my problems from half a world away... It's sent me into quite a panic since now I feel that I need to find some 'replacement' partner, since I can't imagine being on my own again after I've had this for so long... I don't know how I'd be able to go on. But I'm having no luck meeting anyone else. I do WANT to find someone, and I'm sort of actively looking, but, well... I seem to be really picky. Most people, I've noticed, seem to want nothing more than 'someone nice' who shows some interest in them... They don't need to have anything in common, and this results in relationships full of arguments and compromises since the partners have entirely different personalities and basically no shared interests, except maybe common, generic things like 'watching films'. I've got stricter criteria, and I can see that leaving me lonely... I mean, I want someone with the same general interests and outlook... Not a 100% match or anything, that'd be impossible, but just someone who's more like me than they are NOT like me... I'm a nerdy sort of person though, and it's hard to come across nerdy girls, I suppose... Honestly, I've been wanting to come and be active here on this forum in the hope I'll meet someone, since my anxiety issues are a big part of who I am, and I don't know where else to go to find anyone like me, but I wonder what the chances are... I work from home and I don't go to university, I don't have any friends, and my social anxiety keeps me housebound mostly... I just don't know how to meet people... I've been considering going to college or university (which I never properly did due to moving country then due to anxiety... it's a long story), hoping to meet people there, but from some of what I've read here, other people are already at such a place yet are still lonely... Which brings me to the question I wrote all this to ask! If you're alone, without a partner, why is that? Is it because you've yet to find the right person? Is it because of disinterest on your part? Or because nobody around you shows any interest in you? Do you have friends, even if you don't have a partner? I don't. Do you ever meet people through them if you do? Do you reject potential partners? Do you not want to drag other people down, so you stay away? Some people mentioned that they freeze when talked to, or can't open up to others; I on the other hand open up all over the place in the desperate hope that someone will say 'I know how that is'. So have you got into situations where you *might* have a chance with someone, but just mess it up due to reticence or something? Have you ever gone out of your way to look for potential partners? There are a multitude of different reasons why anyone would be alone, and I suppose I'm interested in hearing other peoples' stories and reasons... Apologies for the long post; I do like to be thorough... 
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#2
18th January 2012, 13:44
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
Lots of reasons I suppose. Its only been the past couple of years that I've found the confidence to pursue people I'm interested in, I'm still not that comfortable with it and so far nothings worked out. Recently I've been feeling as though I just havn't got anything to offer in a relationship. I'm not an impressive person by any stretch, so it's not surprising that people don't seem interested in me. I'm often the weird quiet guy. Also I find that the more isolated I become and the less friends I have the harder it is for other people to accept me. It's like people feel uncomfortable about the fact that I don't go out or have friends so they distance themselves from me.
Also***8230; Quote:
Seriously though, having things in common is over-rated! Some of the best times I've ever had have been with people who were nothing like me. I suppose it's just because it was new and exciting and just a change from what I was used to. Or I've got some kind of hidden self loathing issues and can't stand to be reminded of myself by other people***8230;
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#3
18th January 2012, 14:04
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
I like people who are like me because I've usually been surrounded by people who are nothing like me, and I never have fun; I always want to get away, and get upset when they don't understand why I act the way I do, reassuring me that I'll enjoy things just because they will, then they get angry when I don't react like they would, etc.
I've always felt like there's Me and then there's Them, so finding people 'on my side' is really comforting, people who'd say 'I know what that's like' rather than 'oh, get over it' or something. That's why I prefer people I have things in common with. Of course, everyone likes different things, and many do believe that 'opposites attract' or that people should 'complete' eachother with complimentary traits...
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#4
18th January 2012, 14:12
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
I suppose, I like to be around people who have had similar experiences to me and who deep down have the same outlook on things like ambition and morality and all that important stuff but it's possible to have that and be nothing alike on the surface? I've completely derailed this topic***8230; I don't think I'm alone because of a lack of common interests with people!
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#5
18th January 2012, 14:38
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
Well, I broke up with my boyfriend (who I met online through a friend) about seven months ago and I'm still not quite over it so I guess that's one reason.
I'm a bit old fashioned and expect the other person to pursue me/make the first move/show their interest first so that's probably the main issue. Especially since I'm lucky if anyone talks to me, let alone show an interest.
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#6
18th January 2012, 14:48
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
I've never been fond of how the male is expected to make the first move, just because I'm scared of making any moves at all! D:
I always thought 'girls had it easy' because guys would flirt with them all the time and all they had to do was wait, but I suppose it's not like that... I think it's best where nobody really 'makes the first move', and you're just friends with someone for ages and eventually feelings develop and come out naturally. That's what happened with the only relationship I've had. Hmm, don't people want to be friends with someone first before being more than friends? It's always seemed odd to me that people would go out with complete strangers rather than people they were already friends with.
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#7
18th January 2012, 15:32
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
eh..lets see
well my last relationship was also long distance for about 6 years, so i kinda know that one..was practically my best friend..only person to this day who ive told everything about myself to. I kinda knew it wouldnt last and become proper...as i didnt fancy leaving my country and she didnt really want to leave hers...we met up but  but i guess as i just stayed in my bedroom or went to uni with a 99.9% male class it was "ok" because its not like i was exactly fighting them off. But she had a lot of issues..which i was fine with, but i knew something would happen and, well im not going into all that but ill just say it was down to her why we split up...Anyway! that was october, not last october either the one before  took me numerous months to get over her...safe to say id certainly like someone else now..someone bloody local  i did get 1 person who showed interest at me at work but she really wasnt my type and just seemed to be the desperate type who had a crush on all the male staff one by one and they all turned her down (wonder why..) i was just next in the list.. Now im unemployed again, only speak to ..3 women, 2 of which from my old job who are middle aged and married..one is a cousin of an ex staff member. I just dont know any women, i dont really get out (i have nowhere to go) so obviously im not going to end up in a relationship sitting on my arse in my room..i was probably taking a dump when god was handing out the "looks" i dont class myself the least bit desirable so even if i did get out i wouldnt attract any attention! It also puts me off trying online dating (SA aside) the profile pic is like the bait! if they like your photo they are more likely to read your profile i guess? i can probably attract people with how i type (wtf?) i suppose i must do as ive had 2-3 online relationships (id only call the 6 year one a proper one tho, the others were irrelevant) but still..just by how i come across in my words and mood and what not must make me somewhat desirable (dunno) but they initiated the feelings conversations not me . Given my interests are also on the geek side of things, that narrows the potential amount of interested women out there quite a lot! I dont enjoy your usual clubbing/partying rubbish so even though i wouldnt totally be against being with a party animal i suspect it wouldnt last long as every weekend would be some battle of her wanting to go out and me who would rather stay at home and watch a film (film, sofa..go!..the hells wrong with that, screw you clubs  ) What else  oh, id never make the first move..i dont have it in me, the fear of rejection is too strong! i cant read signs either, so the only way im certainly sure a woman would be interested in me would be if she jumped on me..and thats probably not likely i also would like to be friends with someone and it just develop into something more..but i find when your friends with women who you think it Might become something else (or at least hope/misinterpret because your useless with the opposite sex, like me) then they start talking about their boyfriend its like..ooohhh
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#8
18th January 2012, 15:47
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
Toxic, I can relate to a lot of what you say there... You mention a 99.9% male class; was or is that a computing related thing? I went to university briefly a few years ago, doing a Games Development course, and everyone in my lectures and classes was male, except for maybe two girls who showed up once, and presumably never again because half the class flirted with them the first time...
I've been wanting to go back to university or college, but it's a bit off-putting thinking that I'll probably just be in the same, all male situation again. Unless I do art or something, which is a possibility... I rather hate things like clubs and bars and all that kind of stuff, and it bothers me how popular they are as interests... I hoped this forum would be a place which would attract many people who weren't into that, but from what I've read, even many people with social anxiety go to them?! The girlfriend I did have - or still have; I don't even really know anymore - was great because she was shy and introverted and everything herself, into games development, playing video games... Perfect, really. So there are girls like that out there... but I've no hope of ever meeting another, sigh. It's interesting to hear about another person's situation in detail, anyway...
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#9
18th January 2012, 16:14
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
I've got more important things to do. I'm a student nurse and I work, so effectively I have 2 jobs, a woman would have to be something really special to make me want to fit a relationship into my busy life.
I haven't met anyone suitable yet and don't really know anyone suitable for me among the people I know, I don't socialise and don't meet new people due to sa. I'm also far more concerned with dealing with my sa and other issues before I even begin to think of pursuing anybody. A casual fling could be good, but I haven't had sex for a long time, I'm not sure if I could anyway as I'm reluctant to undress in front of others. I'm overweight and have loose skin. I couldn't be comfortable being with someone unless I was comfortable in myself anyway, both on the inside and out. I don't think I'm unnatractive or unlovable or anything, I do occassionally get the come on or someone eyeing me up, but I don't think I have much else to offer, not that I think that people who fancy me are suitable anyway. I rarely reciprocate if someone fancies me or act on feelings I have for anyone. I'm broke, live in a dingy flat, don't have a car, never go out except to work/uni/shops, presently I don't think I could give someone a decent life, so I don't make much effort with women except for the odd bit of flirtation, which I see as practice for a time when things may be different. I think things could change, but I don't worry too much about it. I think some people place too much importance on romantic love, as if it's the highest form of human achievement, or the key to everlasting happiness and fulfillment. Fulfillment can be achieved in other ways, which could be concentrating on non sexual relationships or on academic, creative or professional activities. Wanting to pursue a relationship may be a good thing but I don't think being single is any great shame and I think people should be more comfortable with the idea that they may never meet anyone. It's not that big a deal. And just because someone is in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that their lives are better than yours or that they are any happier.
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#10
18th January 2012, 16:42
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
I don't want a partner for the sake of having one, though I do think that a lot of people do just want one for nothing more than that... Because they *should* have one, because everyone else does, because it's what you're *expected* to do...
I do arty things, like drawing and composing music, and for years now, I've been able to show them to my current not-sure-if-she's-still-a-girlfriend... She does arty stuff too, so we can talk about them in some kind of detail and with understanding, or do them together, which makes all my effort feel more worthwhile and motivates me to continue on with such pursuits. It's also really nice to know that whatever may be getting me down, I can have someone close to me who's supportive, who I can tell everything, who I talk to every day... It's much more emotionally satisfying than just talking to friends or acquaintances, who I've only even felt uncomfortable around whenever I've had any of those (I don't right now anyway). I can see a sex- or expectations-based relationship with someone not much like you at all being added stress, and I wouldn't want that myself... But I do think that having a caring soulmate can make every aspect of life easier and more fulfilling... Life seems like it'd be so empty, whatever I did, if I didn't have a confidant to share things with...
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#11
18th January 2012, 16:59
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
Hmm lets see.
Too scared to approach women. Dont go out much so less chance of meeting anyone. Dont really want a partner at present cos i don't feel ready to deal with the added pressure/anxiety that would come with it. Dont think anyone would have me anyways so dont even contemplate the idea half the time that i could attract someone.
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#14
18th January 2012, 17:52
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
Quote:
thing with my ex was..she was probably as far from SA as you could be , big on clubbing and stuff, but something happened to her which put her off going out as much and i think she disliked people anyway so she wasnt too bothered although because she spent so much time with me she ended up dropping out of the course she was doing and i think she resented me for it..even though i never wanted her to do that and a load of other stuff..cba to go into detail its easier for me to forget it i know some people would prefer money..some would prefer travelling..some prefer getting a career etc etc, everyone wants different things from life...tbh im ranking a relationship quite far up in my list not because i "should" have one..but because i want one? apart from video games theres not much that interest me  i dont really want all the hassle of a big career (sure it would be nice but i dont think im capable given the fact id probably break down in an interview) ..travellings never appealed to me..id like to go to Japan and thats about it...and money...yeah moneys great..but whenever i get money i spend it anyway..i plan to be on 0 pence in my bank account when i snuff it or it will get wasted i dont think im mentally..too "damaged" i just need the right person  who can accept the fact im not big on clubbing..im not a party animal..im not loud, im very shy..and then a few other silly things like im terrified of the phone throw into the fact if you present me with a naked women id probably forget what to do! but that would come with practice  i just wish i could accept my appearance ..because im probably "attractive" to about 1% of the female population at best (or at least in My head i am..) thats my issue anyway..
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#17
18th January 2012, 18:29
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
For those of you who don't go out and meet people - which I don't do either - do you not try to meet people online at least? Not necessarily on dating sites - I've found that they're a waste of time, with everyone and their dog describing themselves as 'bubbly' and 'outgoing' and 'up for a laugh' - but on sites like this, or based around your interests...
I mean, I've always had the hope at the back of my mind that I could always find people online without actually having to go outside, but doesn't anyone else try that, or have any success with it? Maybe it just results in shallow online friendships with Americans you'll never meet though...
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#18
18th January 2012, 19:11
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
My past 3 relationships have been online. The most recent failing a couple weeks ago.. not due to anything more than insanely strict immigration laws so yes meeting the perfect person does have its downfalls if its online. The smart move was for him to end it sadly.
Each of these 3 guys i met through an online game, i dont play games to meet boyfriends but over the years you get to know people quite well. My best friend (who ive never met) i met through a game, and my 2nd boyfriend is now actually my soulmate. It is hard to trust people of course but over time you get a feel for the person and if they take interest in you ..wow now you got to deal with actually meeting them which is so scary!!! And yes i have also met the wrong kind of people too... Dating sites? meh i tried one a few years ago which was specifically for people with geeky interests (pm me if you want to know what not sure if allowed to post here??) But even though its for people with same interests, theres no guarantee its anything different from the run of the mill ones. Hmm i began this to try and help.. but now lost what point i was trying to make... I guess just try online first and see what happens talking to people as friends, get to know people, get a general idea of them.. then you can see where it goes
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#19
18th January 2012, 19:39
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
A number of reasons.
1. Unattractive. It lowers your chances considerably, there's no bones about it. It's not impossible of course. I've been attracted to people who most wouldn't consider "conventianally attractive", so I know it's possible for it to happen the other way round. My last girfriend kept telling me there was nothing wrong with me...but her friends didn't approve of me in this regard, and I think it got to her. 2. I've yet to meet someone who can understand or deal with being with someone who's so clingy and insecure. Maybe I need to meet someone else with SA, who knows. 3. Someone else has got to them first. 4. I'm still not meeting enough people. My job means (Field Engineer) that whilst I often have weekley client sites, a weekly visit isn't enough to really settle into an environment where a relationship can flourish.
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#20
18th January 2012, 19:39
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
Quote:
Also think it's no substitute for real life people but a few of us may use it as that which i think can be healthy but only for a short while.
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#21
18th January 2012, 19:44
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
i dont think i could deal with another online one
its too difficult to maintain and its quite irritating when you want to do things together even stupid stuff like hug and you cant i mean i never actually looked online for girlfriends in the past, the 6 year one i met through WoW! ( ) things just happen...i certainly wouldnt start playing online games again with the intent of looking for a girlfriend thats just weeirdd...if i "met" someone online again it would have to be relatively local so that meeting was a hell of a lot more than every few months+ (like every weekend or 2 something i could deal with for a while until it possibly went to the next stage) tbh it would make sense for me to join a dating site given how much i actually want to go outside but with my confidence that aint happening! 
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#22
18th January 2012, 20:11
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
Most people I come across online are American... I have my own website, which has a small but relatively active community, and most of THEM are American, which is annoying; even in my own space online, I feel alienated.
About 90% of them are male, too, since it's gaming-related... I came to this forum hoping that I might meet people in the UK - since 'on the same landmass' seems 'local' to me after being with someone who lives in Canada, which is truly long-distance - but, well, some of you have many thousands of posts here... Haven't you made friends out of all that activity or anything...? I've joined dating sites before, but I'm scared of taking a photo of myself, which rather limits my chances of finding anyone on them. I don't even know whether I'm unattractive or not, due to lack of feedback either way, but I *assume* I am. Most of the people on them seemed interested in just a quick, promiscuous fling though, even on these sites like match.com and eHarmony and so on, which are touted as being a way of finding close, long-term partners. All the girls that come up for me seem to be into clubbing and that kind of stuff, too, and invariably describe themselves as either 'bubbly', 'fun-loving', or 'up for a laugh' if not all of those. Not really my kind of people, which is a shame. I see adverts on my website for some 'geek dating' site and have considered trying it out... but I wonder if that too would just attract fun-loving clubbing up-for-a-laugh bubbly types who... have glasses, or something. Hmm. I have web design skills, and have seriously considered making a social anxiety dating or friendship site sort of thing before... To help myself and others like me. But maybe there are already things like that?
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#23
18th January 2012, 20:39
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
I would like to say its because no one likes me, but I guess a lot of it is probably my own fault - I just don't make any attempt to show people i'm interested.
Then again, if girls were interested in me, why haven't any told me? Maybe because its because I am, as I fear, unattractive, or maybe its because too many women still rely on the old fashioned way of dating, where the man has do to most of the work. I don't know - I know nothing about relationships. It's not just SA that makes me reluctant to make an effort. I fear girls would not be able to put up with someone with a physical disability and a peculiar 'geeky' hobby. Also, I'm very old fashioned (not when it comes to relationships, but in terms of culture - i.e. I listen to music my dad listens to, and I definatly have some characteristics of an old man). There is also the fact that I can barely look after myself, let alone be supportive to someone else.
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#24
18th January 2012, 21:03
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
I rarely go out to places where I'm likely to get a chance to talk to women, and I wouldn't know what to say to them anyway. My hobbies are very solitary and 'male' (in that very few women would be interested) and I'm useless at introducing myself online. If I did get anywhere near a relationship I'd be convinced I was going to disappoint her anyway, as I have zero self-confidence.
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#25
18th January 2012, 21:05
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
I'm not in a relationship because I'm too afraid of rejection, I haven't asked anyone out for nearly 20 yrs... and I only ever asked two women out, they both turned me down. My first ever 'relationship' with a member of the opposite sex started off as a long distance relationship - she was a penfriend and lived in Finland, I got over emotional about her, she was 15 I was 17 and for a long time it felt like she was my girlfriend. Of course she wasn't, she was a very close friend, but soon the inevitable happened - she met someone and eventually married and had kids... but we still write (and text each other). We have been writing for over 31 years now and she is still my closest friend.
I did have a real relationship years later - that too was a long distance relationship, she lived in London and I didn't. We met via a wildlife forum and had an intense relationship for nearly 2 years - it is directly due to the collapse of that relationship that I avoid getting close to women today (not that they are queueing up at my door) because I don't want to be hurt again and besides I am still terrified of 'chatting up' women (my ex-girlfriend chatted me up which saved me the stress and hassle!)
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#26
18th January 2012, 21:10
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
Well i'm really shy and don't make the first move so its harder for me to meet up with females because most males make the first move or meant to i'm left behind....if i do like someone i dare even talk with them aswell....also i'm not that good looking so that maybe another key factor.... be nice to get told wow your nice once in awhile....
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#27
18th January 2012, 21:41
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
I notice that the vast majority of people posting here seem to be male (though is it possible to check peoples' gender from their profiles? I don't seem to be able to, but maybe it's because I've not posted enough yet), which I can't say surprises me, but does make me lose hope a bit...
It's probably a lot easier for females with SA to meet others, just because others would approach them and they wouldn't really have to DO anything... It's upsetting, that, because it means that people like me - who would love to meet a girl with SA who I could relate to - would have difficulty finding them because they'd all have been snapped up already, probably in many cases by guys who wouldn't even suit them, who might even hurt them because they went after them for the wrong reasons or something. It's easy to imagine 'Jack the Lad' types going out with timid, anxious girls, treating them badly because they aren't extroverted enough, and destroying the girl's confidence and desire for relationships... I wonder how accurate that ever is, though!
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#28
18th January 2012, 21:57
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
What I meant by 'wouldn't suit them' is that the girls might just go for anyone who asks them, since they have low self-esteem and are thrilled to be paid attention to at all, even though all the guy wants is sex and her desires might not be met, or something like that.
Of course, I'm probably just doing that thing that lonely men do where they make up all these assumptions about how what's actually happening is bad and wrong just because I don't get any female attention... However, I did once know a girl (online) who had SA, and ended up with a really abusive boyfriend because of it; because he'd approached her and she'd just been thrilled to be approached at all... It ruined her life for a long time, that... So maybe my views are based on things like that.
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#29
18th January 2012, 21:57
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
Quote:
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#30
18th January 2012, 22:01
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Re: Why aren't you in a relationship?
Quote:
I agree with you though bud.  *runs*
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