What are you doing right now? (6)

[Rocket Spud]

Having a poop

[Consolida]

^ I hope it was an enjoyable one!

Originally Posted by mancman71

Hello Consolida

I didn't go. I really didn't feel ready. Things are really bad at the moment there is little improvement with my taper. I just manage to get through each day.

I hope you are well.

I'm sorry to hear that you didn't feel up to going to the meet up, but hopefully it's something that you might feel a little more ready to do in the future

I know exactly what you mean about just managing to get through each day. The days I manage to drag myself out of bed, get myself showered, and then do a few chores around the house are considered mega productive days for me.

Like you, I'm really struggling with the taper and feel so pressured by my GP to get off them as soon as possible although they offer me no support whatsoever. It's a good thing at least if your GP is allowing you to take your time with the taper. Little baby steps are definitely the way to go

[Rocket Spud]

^ It was up there with the best of 'em!

[Consolida]

^

[biscuits]

^ I'm imagining Spud sticking a "poo of the year" flag in it

[Rocket Spud]

... There she goes, lowering the tone...

[Merritt]

If Spud's anything like me, he'll have fished it out on some tin foil and given it pride of place on the mantlepiece.

[Rocket Spud]

Only if it doesn't flush! That's a true champion!

[biscuits]

^^ Ahahahahaha genuine SMDOL!

(spat my drink out lol)!

[biscuits]

Originally Posted by Rocket Spud

... There she goes, lowering the tone...

(You're the one talking about their ploppage! )

[mancman71]

Originally Posted by Consolida

^ I hope it was an enjoyable one!





I'm sorry to hear that you didn't feel up to going to the meet up, but hopefully it's something that you might feel a little more ready to do in the future

I know exactly what you mean about just managing to get through each day. The days I manage to drag myself out of bed, get myself showered, and then do a few chores around the house are considered mega productive days for me.

Like you, I'm really struggling with the taper and feel so pressured by my GP to get off them as soon as possible although they offer me no support whatsoever. It's a good thing at least if your GP is allowing you to take your time with the taper. Little baby steps are definitely the way to go

Sorry your struggling too. I haven't told my doctor as I was initially prescribed a small monthly prescription of diazepam over ten years ago. They gave me relief after years of social anxiety and I started taking them too regularly. My tolerance increased and I sought extra from a source online...About three years ago I reached tolerance at 20 mgs and have been struggling to taper.

I daren't talk to my doctor or psychologist as I know they will either cut my prescription or expect me to taper after talking to others who have done this.

Like you say it's baby steps but it's a real struggle. I'm having terrible days at work (part-time.)

[Consolida]

^ I'm sorry that you are having such a terrible time at work. I know how hard that must be for you when you're suffering with the social anxiety and also the pills that initially brought you so much relief are no longer doing that. I think you are probably right not to mention trying to taper to your GP because if he/she is anything like mine they will pressurise you to taper off them. I'm now on the smallest amount of lorazepam I've taken for years and years and I'd like to say that I feel great but I don't, I feel absolutely crap, and am now struggling to leave the house on my own. It sucks

Good luck with getting through each day Mancman, for what's it's worth, you're certainly not alone

[Quietman]

^ Sorry to hear that mancman71, anxiety is horrible especially when you have to cope with work on top. I think all doctors are useless these days they have no empathy for their patients anymore, sometimes I wonder why they are doctors in the first place because many just don’t want to listen or help people, I hope you feel better soon.

I haven’t really left the house much, I went yesterday for the first time on my own in three weeks out the house and I was a complete wreck, felt awful I’m fine until I see other people and then I become very self conscious, what do they think of me, am I walking okay it’s a nightmare.

[biscuits]

I wonder if there will come a time when you will be awarded compensation for being put on benzos as a long term treatment.

[mancman71]

@Consolida @Quietman @Biscuits

Thanks for your messages. I'm awake early again as usual. I only sleep a few hours a night and wake up feeling dread and despair.

Apart from going to work (part time)I barely leave the house. I have to push myself out to go to the shops and don't see anyone apart from a few family members.

I am very self conscious and paranoid about how others see me. I've struggled with this for thirty years but since the diazepam stopped working it's become unbearable.

I'm really feeling hopeless and scared about the future now.

[Quietman]

^ I no how you feel, most mornings I wake up shaking with a horrible sense of dread and fear.

I to am scared for the future, I don't leave the house now my mother has died really.

I think you should give yourself a pat on the back, while dealing with your anxiety you have achieved so much you even work that's a great achievement, keep on going strong your doing so well.

[Tonkin]

Working

[Dougella]

^^^ Don't lose hope mancman71 there have been many people around here who's SA has improved, even after many decades of suffering with it. There are therapies like ACT that you could look into (you don't have to see a therapist for it necessarily, you can read about it by yourself) that might help with some of the things you're struggling with

[Consolida]

Originally Posted by mancman71

@Consolida @Quietman @Biscuits

Thanks for your messages. I'm awake early again as usual. I only sleep a few hours a night and wake up feeling dread and despair.

Apart from going to work (part time)I barely leave the house. I have to push myself out to go to the shops and don't see anyone apart from a few family members.

I am very self conscious and paranoid about how others see me. I've struggled with this for thirty years but since the diazepam stopped working it's become unbearable.

I'm really feeling hopeless and scared about the future now.

I could have written much of that myself. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. To be able to cope for years, albeit with the help of benzodiazepines, and then for them to stop working or have them taken away is absolutely heartbreaking isn't it. Like you, my insomnia is worse than ever and I have to literally drag myself out of the door these days. I wish I had some words of advice and comfort to give you, a part from you're not alone

[mancman71]

Hi @Consolida @Dougella

Thanks for your messages. I had actually put in an application for DCT (Democratic Therapeutic Community therapy) which is intensive group therapy six months ago with the outpatient psychologist. There are only a limited number of places for this. I contacted her secretary and was told that the application form was still in her office after all this time!

I'm in my early fifties now and feel as bad as I've ever been - on the verge of a breakdown or worse. I can't see an end to this after all these years.

I'm up early again. Today I'm hoping I can cut the lawns but it's a battle to do them over the weekend because the neighbours are all home and I am overwhelmed with self consciousness. I know it's ridiculous. No one is really interested in what I'm doing

[Quietman]

^ Im sorry your struggling macman at the moment i cant get the courage to go out the front door to cut a bush down, as im worried what the neighbours will say about me, its very hard the doctor says it will get better with age it never does. I no many people who have said that they have improved with age, but currently mine doesn’t seem to no matter how much I expose myself to that situation.

Hope you feel better soon.

[Consolida]

^ I think social anxiety does naturally get better with age for some people, Quietman, and I know there are a few people on here who have said as such.

If I'm honest, my SA was at it's very worse in my teens and 20's but once I hit my 40's I found less people seemed to notice my existence and much less care. Certainly not groups of judgmental teenagers anymore, thank god! For me, the ONE good thing about getting old is that you largely become invisible and can get away with being unique and individual so much more. Weird suddenly becomes eccentric, lol. I've also long ago stopped looking for a 'cure' and mostly accept that this is me, warts and all. It's taken some of the pressure off.
It helps a lot that Society is more enlightened about mental health issues than ever before (although sadly the help out there is still pretty rubbish). It's surprising that once you scratch the surface the people who perhaps appear so 'normal' to the likes of you and I are often struggling with their own mental health issues too. I never thought that I would someday be chatting about my anxiety issues with the 'the jack the lad' type neighbour over the garden fence because he'd confided that he was struggling with very severe OCD issues. It just goes to show you that things are seldom as they seem.

I'll shut up now

Originally Posted by mancman71

Hi @Consolida @Dougella

Thanks for your messages. I had actually put in an application for DCT (Democratic Therapeutic Community therapy) which is intensive group therapy six months ago with the outpatient psychologist. There are only a limited number of places for this. I contacted her secretary and was told that the application form was still in her office after all this time!

I'm in my early fifties now and feel as bad as I've ever been - on the verge of a breakdown or worse. I can't see an end to this after all these years.

I'm up early again. Today I'm hoping I can cut the lawns but it's a battle to do them over the weekend because the neighbours are all home and I am overwhelmed with self consciousness. I know it's ridiculous. No one is really interested in what I'm doing

It's terrible that 6 months on your application form for DCT still hadn't been processed but I can't say it surprises me one bit. Of course they will probably try to blame the Pandemic on that!

It sounds like we are of a similar age, Mancman, and both received benzo's before people realised the full extent of the long term damage that they can cause. Although I know that I've posted here about how my world has become so much smaller since trying to taper right down, on the plus side - and it's a BIG plus - I do notice that my Depression has lifted considerably, and this is despite the current grief of losing my mum. For me, the benzos's were definitely triggering severe depressive episodes as tolerance set in. It's common for the benzo's to end up exacerbating the very symptoms that they were originally prescribed for including the anxiety.
I'm very avoidant now but I feel that, thanks to my useless GP, that's possibly down to my taper being too rapid and I'm suffering with some withdrawal symptoms as a result. Also, I've got to the stage in life where I just can't be arsed to do things that I don't want to be doing, just to appease people that I don't particularly like, so that I might appear more 'normal' and 'acceptable'. : smash:

Btw, did you manage to get the lawns cut? You're right, no one is going to be very interested and if they are then they really do need to get a life! When I cut my front lawn I tend to look down and pretend that I can't hear anyone!

I really feel for you Mancman, going to work must be especially difficult and it's an area I have failed so miserably with so hats of to you for such an achievement.

I think the folk who have made it to their 40's, 50's and beyond while fighting a relentless battle with mental health issues must be some of the strongest characters in existence. We are like some kind of super race

Sorry for the ramble.

[mancman71]

I managed to cut the lawns and sort out some of the garden yesterday though I up dosed a little with diazepam. I hope I don't pay for it today.

I know what you mean @Quietman about things supposedly improving with age. I've fought so hard because I had hoped that I'd beat this. I can't believe that things have ended up so terrible.

I'm sorry you've lost your mum @Consolida...It's amazing that you've had the strength to keep going alongside your taper and the depression has lessened.

I wish I could stop worrying about what others think. I've always been good at appearing 'normal' although I'm in fight or flight mode inside. I've always been a people pleaser and a yes person too.

I wish I knew more about meds before I started a merry-go-round of antidepressants in my late teens. I've been on all the AD's since then...none of them helped and in retrospect I think they did more damage than good which is probably true since I started looking more into them. I don't have much faith in the mental health system after dealing with them for many years. They've thrown all their drugs at me and at my last appointment the psychologist practically said I've tried all the meds and there isn't much more they can do for me.

Well I'm rambling...hard to get what I want to say down right now. Thanks for the messages because I'm really isolated from people that can understand.

[Consolida]

^ You ramble as much as you like Mancman!
Like you, I've tried endless antidepressant's over the years and none of them did anything to alleviate my anxiety in the way that lorazepam did. Just my darn luck that the ONE drug that enabled me to have any kind of 'normal' life most Doctors are now unwilling to prescribe. On the other hand, my GP continues to try and foist yet more antidepressants on to me like they're the answer to all of life's problems. If only!! Yep, I share your lack of faith in the mental health system and don't think it's improved much at all over the last 20 years plus

Well done on managing to cut your lawn and I don't blame you at all on up dosing on the diazepam if that's the only way you felt able to do so. Just getting through one day at a time as best we can and coping with whatever crap life throws at us tomorrow when it arrives is really the only way forward I've found

I'm so glad that posting here makes you feel just a little less isolated. Take care

[Consolida]

What I'm doing right now, is searching up about the phenomenon Deju vu but it doesn't really help me to make sense of my recent experience....

At the weekend I went for a long walk in the countryside. It was somewhere I'd never been to before and was very much off the beaten track. There was nothing around for miles other than rolling green hills and deserted farmland. The track was overgrown with nettles and brambles and clearly people seldom walked that way. As I walked on I suddenly stopped in my tracks. Everything around me - the dark woodland behind, the wire cris cross fence stretching to the side and encompassing a grassy field was exactly what I'd seen in a dream just days before. The familiarity of the image literally took my breath away. In my dream I had been attempting to release the tortoise that my mum had lovingly been taking care of for 40 years into the wild. I said to my husband that maybe it was a sign from my mum to let me know that she is okay and that there is somewhere else where we continue to live on after we die. If my mum was able to send me some kind of 'message' I know that she would. Like a lot of intelligent folk, my husband doesn't believe in such nonsense unless there is scientific evidence to back it up (and until my mum's passing I thought a long the same lines) but now, more than ever, I want to believe that there is something more and that someday, when I've departed this world, I'll be able to say to my husband I told you so!

Now I'm preparing to go off to the supermarket. Nothing like bringing me back down to earth with a bump

[Dougella]

^ You know, there is nothing to say that it couldn't be your Mother sending you a sign or connecting with you. It sounds like a lovely experience anyway

[mancman71]

@Consolida Yes nothing much has really improved over the past twenty years in the mental health system. Their answer to everything is to keep trying antidepressants that have been proven to not so effective after all and have been put through short dubious trials before being put on the market...I was on Nardil an MAOI for nearly a decade which was the only AD which really helped but lost it's effectiveness a few years ago and was hell to come off.
A damn shame the benzos come with a price...Diazepam gave me back my life for a good few years.
I do feel somewhat defeated up dosing to cut the lawns but like you say we do what we can each day to deal with what life throws at us.

Regarding your sign from your mum - when my dad died a few years ago my mum and sister started to see white feathers around the garden and other places and felt some kind of sign/presence from my dad. It doesn't hurt to have things like this happening. My mum and sister found comfort on those occasions.

[biscuits]

Trying to work out where Pete the courier hid the package that's he's delivered

[Dougella]

^^ It's weird because I think the mental health arena in general has improved and moved forward quite a bit, but unfortunately lack of investment in NHS services means they haven't kept pace.

So many people have to pay to see a private therapist to get the appropriate type of therapy for themwwhich is a shame because obviously a lot of people can't afford to do that.

[Consolida]

^ Thank you, as always, for your kind words Crafty Elf.
I'm not religious either, but I like to think that there is something more than this and that someday we will be reunited with loved ones. It's a nice thought anyway

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ You know, there is nothing to say that it couldn't be your Mother sending you a sign or connecting with you. It sounds like a lovely experience anyway

I can't help asking myself 'Am I just grasping at straws here?' but I'll continue to grasp those straws as it's the only thing that brings me any comfort at the moment. I also like to think that I'm an open minded person. It was indeed a lovely experience

Originally Posted by mancman71

I was on Nardil an MAOI for nearly a decade which was the only AD which really helped but lost it's effectiveness a few years ago and was hell to come off.

Yes, I've taken those antidepressants years ago but unfortunately they didn't help me with my anxiety. If I recall, they came with certain diet restrictions like not eating banana skins or something! I've been taking Duloxetine for a couple of years or so and they do nothing for me, but if I miss a dose my head starts to spin. I think that's going to be another tough one to come off

Originally Posted by mancman71

when my dad died a few years ago my mum and sister started to see white feathers around the garden and other places and felt some kind of sign/presence from my dad. It doesn't hurt to have things like this happening. My mum and sister found comfort on those occasions.

I'm sorry that you've lost your dad too
Yes - white feathers are another 'sign' plus butterflies and robins and red cardinals if you're in America. If such 'signs' bring comfort to those grieving then who am I to say it's a load of nonsense. However, I'm afraid if my mum wants to send me a 'sign' she will have to come up with something much more convincing than feathers as our garden is surrounded by trees and birds