Give me a reason to carry on

kiki · #1 5th November 2008, 10:36

I***8217;m at my lowest low and I can***8217;t find any reason to carry on anymore. Everyone I***8217;ve ever loved has abandoned me and I***8217;m imprisoned by social anxiety and agoraphobia. It***8217;s my birthday tomorrow and I***8217;ll be 25; it is the first birthday without my mom as she killed herself a month ago.

Everything in life now I face alone. Since her death no one bothers with me anymore; all my family have abandoned me; every one is getting on with their lives like nothing has happened. I think they are all secretly pleased that I don***8217;t have my mom any more and that I***8216;m all alone, they are spiteful in that way.

I***8217;m spiralling into a deep depression and all I want is some company so I don***8217;t have to be alone all day thinking about my problems but there is no one to turn to; I feel like I'm going to lose my mind and it scares me. What if tomorrow on my birthday I just end it all, it would be so easy and would any one really care? I don***8217;t think so. It***8217;s like I don***8217;t even exist anyway

Stepford · #2 5th November 2008, 10:49

Sorry to hear about your mum. Reason? Tomorrow may be a brighter day, basing a decision right now whist depressed is not a good idea as you have no idea how your future will be.

Diluted · #3 5th November 2008, 10:54

No one is supposed to go through this alone and most people don’t. You don’t need to either. Go to your doctor’s surgery and explain what happened and your circumstances and that you need someone to speak to. I’m sure you’ll be given immediate priority. That’s a starting point. You can do this on your own.

Lets us know how things go.

Diluted · #4 5th November 2008, 10:57

Samaritans

Phone 08457 90 90 90
Email jo@samaritans.org

kiki · #5 5th November 2008, 11:09

The doctors already know my situation with having social anxiety and they know what happened with mum. They actually called me to come in and see them when she died as they were aware of the situation. They couldn't really help though, all she did was print something off from the internet about berevement counselling and gave that to me. I don't trust doctors not after what has happened, had my mum been cared for properly she would not have died.

Margot · #6 5th November 2008, 11:42

reading Man's Search for Meaning helped me find a reason to carry on.

http://download388.mediafire.com/xd1...+E.+Frankl.pdf

Blue Moon · #7 5th November 2008, 11:54

A friend of mine is a bereavement counsellor and I love hearing him talk about the way he tenderly helps people crushed by grief to gradually begin to heal and face life again. You have sustained a huge personal tragedy - no one could expect you to carry on without support. You do need to make the first move in getting help, then it should get a little easier from there.

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

hardy · #8 5th November 2008, 12:21

All your reasoning seems to be wanting the approval and help of others . You are valuable FOR YOUR SELF . Other people are a bonus to life not an essential.

tituscrow · #9 5th November 2008, 17:00

I am so sorry to hear of your problems kiki.
I know these problems can seem overwhelming especially in light of your recent loss but the pain will ease over time. You could get help, bereavement counselling sounds like a good idea. You can trust most Doctors, at least in my experience.

ps I share your birthday. Let's both try to have a happy one.

[MiffyKoala] · #10 5th November 2008, 17:20

''I think they are all secretly pleased that I don***8217;t have my mom any more and that I***8216;m all alone, they are spiteful in that way.''

..that could be your depression talking.

I'm so sorry to hear bout what a hard time you're having.
I too would suggest go to a doctor and they will help you out.
The depression will lift and u will gradually start to feel better, i promise.

Remember we are all here aswell to help you out whenever you need it.
xxxxxx

Grah08 · #11 5th November 2008, 18:28

It is very tough losing your mum and everything looks very bleak right now but things can change and agoraphobia is very dealable with. You're in a lot of pain right now- as anyone would be who would have lost their mum, you need to concentrate on yourself and not be hard on yourself. There are people around that you can talk to if you want - Counsellors, although it's tough they can be helpful or family members like your dad or siblings? All of them must be going through similar pain even if they may not show it, they should be very willing to talk to you. I would be very surprised if they weren't.

Kyle Katarn · #12 5th November 2008, 21:30

Please go and see your GP or go to the nearest hospital. There are crisis support teams to help you through these times.

jontyboyoh · #13 5th November 2008, 22:31

Under the circumstances, ur no doubt one of the strongest people on this site........ Ur mother has just died under terrible circumstances, so of course u feel like life isn't worth living........ I feel like this often and I still have both parents!

U r 25 tomorrow, which is still very very young......

Ur mother did wot she did for a reason; try to remember this and avoid going the same way; ....... Remember ur mother; wot she meant to you; the times she suffered most, & try to improve for her, as a way of breaking the legacy/stigma....... I like the belief that no-one truly dies until all those lives they've touched have passed-away also..........Your mother is alive in you; because of you.......... She gave you life, and now its up to u to keep her alive by remembering her!

I aint gonna pretend to know wot ur going thru, but ur stronger than most......... Its ur b'day tomorrow, so try ur very hardest to remember all the gud things about both lives.........

This condition is in no way easy to deal with, and things aren't going to happen over nite, but wot perfect way to start the ball rolling toward than on ur 25th b'day!

Lots of love and good luck!

SoftlySpoken1 · #14 5th November 2008, 23:03

I think you should carry on - because life can be much much better than it feels for you at the moment....and really you are too young to give up on it....

I lost my mum a couple of years ago...she had a heart attack out of the blue so it was very sudden - I pushed everyone away....depression is like that...it cuts you off....people around you probably care more than you realize...it's just you are locked in your own prison at the moment....because it is your own prison you actually hold the key! You will need help!

WelshKat · #15 5th November 2008, 23:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by jontyboyoh

I like the belief that no-one truly dies until all those lives they've touched have passed-away also..........Your mother is alive in you; because of you.......... She gave you life, and now its up to u to keep her alive by remembering her!

That's a really great belief and I think it's true too.

I'm really sorry to hear about your mother, kiki. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Anybody would need help to get through something like that nevermind if you've already got SA and depression.

Everything might seem very bleak right now but you sound like a very strong person and we're always here when you need us so you're not alone.

You might not trust doctors at the moment (which is understandable) but there are charities and support groups out there who would be very sympathetic and a whole lot more helpful, I would imagine.

All the best,
Kath