The secret to happiness (TED Talk)

[tryinghard]

I watched this today and found it inspiring. But I want to put a disclaimer first because I can understand how this might not seem inspiring to people with SA on first watch.

This talk is delivered by the current director of the longest study on human development, going back to the 1930s, and it found that wealth, achievement, success and fame do not make people happy - good relationships do. That's really just common sense, but as he mentions in the talk most of us ignore that and think we'd be happy if we were richer or if we had achieved more in our lives, or if we were prettier or whatever.

So I realise this might not seem like an inspiring message to people with SA if you feel like there is some reason why you can't have close relationships - I mean, I feel like that too, so I get that - but I also think that our ability to have close relationships falls down only to how much we allow ourselves to withdraw from them by not trusting others to be warm, kind, caring and supportive of us. It's easy to believe that people are cold, or judgmental, or whatever it is your individual thoughts on them are, but the reality is that it's not possible everybody is like that. If that were true, no one would be happy. And people are happy. So there are warm people out there who do care and it's up to us to let them in.

It is only our thoughts that stand between us and having social support. And when I look at it that way, that helps me, because that makes it seem like a smaller hurdle if I realise that the barriers are not something uncontrollable outside of me (other people) but something within my own mind that I have control over.

I also noticed there are a few people like me here who look to high achievement and success as a route to feeling better so this was a nice reminder to me that that's not where happiness lies and that it's worth that extra push to overcome social anxiety (I tend to give up, decide to ignore "social stuff" and just focus on my work), so I thought it might be useful for people who relate to that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI

[lone*star]

An interesting study, but the results aren't exactly ground-breaking! I don't suppose too many people, if they're being honest, are surprised to hear that good relationships in life are beneficial to us. I think it also sends out a potentially dangerous message to those of us who are less naturally gifted in the social popularity stakes, because it's almost saying, get yourself good relationships or die!

I think that society has also changed a fair bit since that long running study began, and forming good relationships with others around us has probably never been more difficult for many people than it is in today's fast paced modern world. That being the case, what I would find more beneficial is someone telling us how they are successfully managing to live life without close relationships. Is that even possible? If so, how do you go about it?

That way, the less socially active/gifted among us (regardless of the reasons why) can at least feel that there's a genuine choice available - that it's not necessarily 'form relationships or suffer' after all. In fact this is the very message that I personally have been giving people on this forum over the past few years - that there is another way to live life - that we don't all have to conform to some kind of stereotypical ideal in order to be happy.

[tryinghard]

Well I don't think he meant social popularity - he said it wasn't the number of friends you have but the quality of those relationships. So that means things like refusing to hang out with people who aren't nice to you, selecting people who are nice to you and so on. He certainly doesn't say that popularity leads to happiness - quite the opposite. He says feeling like there is at least one person you can count on in life is important for happiness.

Although the study is certainly not groundbreaking and I think we all believe in it intuitively. I think the vast majority of people if you asked them what they "wanted" in order to be happy would say money or success or material goods or whatever (just as the millenials he spoke to said). It's kind of like we forget what's important in life so we don't put the work in on our relationships.

It's not the only thing obviously. We all need to have a feeling of self efficacy for example and stuff like being productive, being in work, having hobbies...all of these things are good for us too. You couldn't just sit there in a darkened room with someone you could count on and be happy, there's all sorts of things we need, it's just we seem to forget our social needs sometimes.

I don't think it's quite so black and white either. It's not that everyone has to conform to being a people person or anything like that, it's more to do with feeling supported by at least one person - feeling like you have a support network. And what I've learned from therapy over the years is that often the reason we feel we don't have that is because we're making assumptions that don't really work out in the real world - no one likes me, or there's something wrong with me, or all other people are awful, or whatever it is - none of those are actually true for anyone. So it's a lot to do with proactively challenging our own beliefs.

There's part of me that agrees with you because I for years just "focused on other things" and resolved to stay alone, but all those other things just left me empty in the end and I realised I was trying to "fill up" with stuff so I wouldn't feel lonely, which isn't how we work. Are you saying that you really don't want to know anyone you can count on?

[lone*star]

^ I think we've got our 'wires crossed' here slightly. You clearly see yourself as limited to being merely a person, trying to carve out some kind of happy life for yourself in a harsh outside world, and feeling that you need social support to help you in that endeavour. You therefore, by compulsion, see me as the same - ie. as merely a person, and perhaps in a similar situation.

I do know where you're coming from (because I've been there of course) but I'm afraid I have moved on now from such a limited perception of life. I don't see you as being a person - I see you as you really are - pure being, unlimited potentiality, infinite love. Do you think infinite love sounds like it needs a support network - someone it can count on? I don't think so somehow.

You see, once you realise your true nature, things like a 'support network' and 'someone to count on' really don't matter any more. You can leave things like that behind - those are dream matters; of concern only to those who have yet to awaken in life. So firstly, you need to decide whether you want to wake up to reality, or stay asleep dreaming - then take it from there. You might just find the real secret to happiness!

[Ronnie_Pickering]

Interesting. Makes sense. This is where I wish I am making better ' aquintance ' connections at work.

[tryinghard]

@lone_star, sorry I can't agree with you here, we're definitely not on the same page for this one. I think perhaps we're coming from opposite directions in the ways that we're moving to feel better. I've had a lifetime of telling myself I "don't need anyone" and have tried to "never be lonely". It's unrealistic. We're social animals, we do need people. That's not some kind of failing or weakness, it's not needy or dependent, it's the way we are. Just like all social animals. But we don't need loads of people, and we don't need anything particularly special, and we don't need to be anyone particularly special to get it either. We can just be us so long as we let other people see us and accept us for who we are. I say that is if it's simple but actually everyone finds it difficult to some extent because no one likes to feel vulnerable or exposed. It's not simple to make a connection, especially if you distrust connection, but it's a lot easier than trying to fit yourself into a mould you will never fit into. You cannot simply decide not to be human, you can't decide to never need social connection if you feel the need for it (there are a small percentage of people who really feel absolutely no need and of course they should do whatever makes them happy - there is no "right" way to be). The other part of this for me, and the reason this video made me feel happy, is because I think at some level that in order to achieve connection with anyone I have to be "the best". I tend to write-off and disregard the people who already like me as I am because I think their standards must be far too low if they'll accept me as I am now - what the hell is wrong with them?! Instead, I devalue them and focus on improving to be "the best" so that I can fit in with some imaginary elite I've never met - "the better people" - it's completely absurd but also completely understandable given my personal history that I might think that way. So it's reliveing to me to think that actually I really don't have to try so hard (see username). I don't have to be really impressive or the best at anything to be good enough. If I want to feel good I don't have to become the best at any particular thing, I don't have to achieve extremely highly, I don't have to do anything at all. All I have to do is open my mind to the people who are already around me.

I'd imagine a lot of people with social anxiety think they will only be accepted "if"...whether that's if they say the right things, achieve the right things, look the right way...whatever it is. I think the simpler and less anxiety-inducing way to see the world is to just try our very best to take a risk with people. Show them who we are right now as we are right now and find out if we're accepted. Because I think we will all find out that we are. None of us here are serial killers or rapists (I...assume...) Society actually doesn't reject that many people, you'd have to be THAT bad. And none of us are. The power is with us to open up a little bit and let people see us.

[lone*star]

Originally Posted by tryinghard

I think perhaps we're coming from opposite directions in the ways that we're moving to feel better.

But, unlike you, I am not 'moving to feel better' - only you are!

On paper at least, I must be one of the loneliest people on planet Earth - I spend virtually my whole life in isolation. No partner, no kids, no social life; hardly any contact with family, work colleagues, neighbours etc. But am I striving to change this situation? No, I'm not! I just accept it as being the way things are. And the funny thing is, again unlike you, I rarely feel 'lonely' or 'in pain' over it. If anything, quite the opposite in fact - I feel a certain peace of mind, almost a divine joy even, in the silence of this solitude. And it feels perfectly natural also - I don't feel like there's anything 'wrong' or missing somehow.

I've had a lifetime of telling myself I "don't need anyone" and have tried to "never be lonely".

Firstly, you haven't had 'a lifetime' of it, because you're only just 30, so you're still relatively young - still plenty of time yet to learn about yourself!
And trying to 'never be lonely' clearly isn't going to work, because the more you try, the more lonely you're going to feel! That's just how the mind works unfortunately.

It's unrealistic.

Too right it is!

We're social animals, we do need people. That's not some kind of failing or weakness, it's not needy or dependent, it's the way we are. Just like all social animals.

I've said this on here before, but I suspect that humans have now evolved beyond mere pack animals. For whatever reasons, we have advanced into a category of our own - human beings - and are therefore no longer bound by the same biological instincts that drive most animal behaviour. In short we have now become supernatural beings that have transcended the basic drives of the animal world. To try and drag us back in time would surely therefore be unrealistic?

...So it's reliveing to me to think that actually I really don't have to try so hard (see username). I don't have to be really impressive or the best at anything to be good enough. If I want to feel good I don't have to become the best at any particular thing, I don't have to achieve extremely highly, I don't have to do anything at all. All I have to do is open my mind to the people who are already around me.

Spot on, so why not stick to your own excellent advice? To just be your natural self, do your own thing in life and see what happens (or doesn't happen, as the case may be?) And as I said to you once before, what ever happens will be right - for you - at this moment in time. In other words, there's no need to force anything in life, or even try at all!

[Utopia]

Obviously we are all individuals, but the point is that on average the QUALITY of relationships is what is most important to living a happy and healthy life. In the past, I have personally not put as much effort into relationships as I should have (it requires a lot for someone like me) and this has led to me feeling less happy overall. Having people to talk to, and who really understand is fundamentally important to your average persons happiness. It's a part of our nature because working together makes each individual stronger. If everyone just started shutting themselves away society would stagnate, and we would not make further progress as a species. I'm an introvert with SA, but I still need people to some extent or I get lonely/bored with enough time. It feels psychologically unhealthy in general.

[lone*star]

Originally Posted by jk90

Having people to talk to, and who really understand is fundamentally important to your average persons happiness.

But could that be because the 'average person' is not yet awakened to the truth/reality of life? In other words, the average person operates largely from a position of socio-conditioned expectation, rather than one of natural spontaneity. So that most people - especially younger folk of course - feel pressurised to 'be like everyone else' and keep up personal appearances. Nobody wants to appear an 'outcast' in society.

It's a part of our nature because working together makes each individual stronger.

I agree, but that's a slightly different subject than social/relationship loneliness. We can still work together without necessarily becoming friends/partners outside of work.

If everyone just started shutting themselves away society would stagnate, and we would not make further progress as a species.

Of course. But there's a natural 'safety mechanism' in place to ensure that doesn't happen. Which is the simple fact that everything in life is happening on its own, and so we, as individuals, don't even get a choice in the matter! Life itself is very much in control here - not 'us' (as separate from life).

[tryinghard]

Lone_star it's great that you feel happy the way you are but if the rest of us actually want to have better quality relationships with people and socialise more often then I think that's ok too. I'm not doing it because it's expected of me. I've always been a bit of a loner and I've never felt judged for it, I don't see it as any kind of big deal. But I feel bored and empty all the time and I've recently realised that's because I have been eschewing my social needs (largely because I wasn't confident I could meet them so I just decided they weren't particularly important and I could live without). I've changed my mind because I've been unhappy for a really long time and I do think that learning to trust other people and feel better about myself, and thus having closer relationships, will help me personally.

But yeah, overall, the reason I found this video inspiring was because it reminded me how simple life is.