Still Living at Home

[Formershyguy]

I don't know how many people in their 40s are still living with their parents but I have heard of people moving back in with their parents for whatever reason. I just turned 45 last Friday and I don't know if I will ever move out.

I know this probably isn;t the norm and I fear having to tell a potential girlfriend I a still live with my mum and when I am dating I just say I live with a friend.

I had one friend who moved back in with his Dad until his Dad passed away so he inherited the house but thats not quite the same as I have never moved out.

My sister has always been more independant and my mum was never as protective with her. Even now my mum doesn't like it when I go out or go out at night. Its ridiculous because I'm a grown man although sometimes I feel like I have had to grow up before I was ready.

Most kids leave by the time their 18 or slightly older but I worry that if I try to get my own place I won't be able to pay the bills. Because my work is purely temp work and haven't had a permanent job in years. Although the advantage of temp work is I don't feel tied down and I can work in companies for a while to see if I'm a good fit and take long breaks between jobs but not sure there's much future in it.

I hate the thought of all my savings and money going into my bills and home and not being able to go out and do stuff. I think it would really stress me out. The advantage of living with my mum is I can save money and when I;m out of work I can take a break and live on my savings but not sure I'd be able to do that if I got my own place because me and my mum share the bills.

Some people might say I should share with someone but I don't think I could live with a complete stranger. I like my own space and being able to do what I want. And I know there could be petty disputes and arguments.

Also my mum is not in the best of health. I help her out with shopping, taking the rubbish, helping her take her shoes off as she has arthritis. She also smokes which is probably not helping her. I worry about when she eventually passes and not having her there for that support. Sounds selfish and I feel bad, but I do love her. Even though she can be overbearing at times.

[Mr. Nobody]

I didn't move out until I was 28,
I would have been more than happy to stay longer,
but my Dad seemed to be keen for me to leave,
and kept dropping hints to let me know that he pretty much had had enough of me living there,
despite the fact that I was very rarely around in my parents presence, and was no trouble. lol
I also was paying quite a lot towards the Bills,
In fact, when I got my own place, I ended up paying a lot less in comparison.

My Mother wasn't as bothered with me being there,
I always felt very comfortable and relaxed at home,
It seemed safe there, like a refuge from things.

I was saving up for years to try and make sure I could afford a decent house for myself,..
(as I was always single and in low-paid work)
in the end I ended up with something that wasn't that great, and wished I'd waited longer,

I really don't see that there should be any timescale on moving out,
ideally, it really just depends on what feels right for those involved, depending on circumstances,
It's not something that's written in stone or any of anyone else's business but your own,

Everyone's circumstances and situations are different
as there can be so many variables involved,

When I did eventually move out,
I did enjoy the fact there was more peace and freedom but other than that, I can't see it was of any concern to anyone else at the time.
other than my Dad, nobody else was really bothered about it.

[Orwell20]

Originally Posted by The*Crafty*Elf

@Formershyguy: You are not alone. I will turn 47 this year and i've always lived at home with Mum. My Dad passed when i was 11 and my Brothers and Sister all moved out over the years. Like you i won't ever be moving out until Mum passes and the Council kick me out. I can't afford to buy anything as i don't have any money coming in now. I don't particularly care what happens to me anymore anyway.

I have some savings but i know they won't last forever. My original plan was to buy something like a nice Wooden dwelling but i'd have no idea where i could place it. In my own world i would find a kindly farmer who would let me put it in one of his fields in return for some help on his farm. In reality that's not going to happen.

The future is very uncertain but i don't dwell on it. I'll just have to take what sh!te life throws at me. Like everyone else.

Pretty similar to me. I’m 45 and still live in the house in which I was born. My dad died when I was 31 and my sister has married and moved out. So now it’s just me and my mother. I always dreaded ending up like this, but also kind of knew that I would. The shame is awful, and is the main reason I avoid people. I also lie (I tell people used to have a place of my own).

In my teens and 20s, when I should have been spreading my wings, having relationships, building a career, saving money, and moving away, I was crippled with SA and an Avoidant PD. In my late 30s, my problems diminished, to the point where I could live a relatively normal life. In fact, now, at 45, I’d say I’m almost free of mental illness. But it’s come too late. The shame of having always lived at home cripples me. Also, my mother is getting old, and increasingly clings to me. She’s lonely and frightened. I couldn’t leave her now. I just couldn’t live with myself. Plus, of course, I have saved no money. So I’m ****ed. All I can do is watch what’s left of my youth and looks fade away. Before I know it, I’ll be a 50-something caring for a sick 80-something, with no friends or money or support. I escaped the prison of SA and avoidance too late.

All I can do is make the best of things. Crafty Elf has his movies and his love of Christmas. For me it’s books and drugs. I don’t want to die, but I would be kind of relieved not to exist - maybe an asteroid that took me and mother out while we slept. Put us both out of our misery.

[Dougella]

Originally Posted by The*Crafty*Elf

@Formershyguy: You are not alone. I will turn 47 this year and i've always lived at home with Mum. My Dad passed when i was 11 and my Brothers and Sister all moved out over the years. Like you i won't ever be moving out until Mum passes and the Council kick me out. I can't afford to buy anything as i don't have any money coming in now. I don't particularly care what happens to me anymore anyway.

I have some savings but i know they won't last forever. My original plan was to buy something like a nice Wooden dwelling but i'd have no idea where i could place it. In my own world i would find a kindly farmer who would let me put it in one of his fields in return for some help on his farm. In reality that's not going to happen.

The future is very uncertain but i don't dwell upon it. I'll just have to take what sh!te life throws at me. Like everyone else.

Don't forget that you could apply to the council to be put on the housing list (which you would definitely qualify for) and you could request a bungalow or a nice little flat in a quiet area.

[choirgirl]

What do you want? If on balance it's better to stay, then stay. The cost of living crisis doesn't make moving out for the sake of it a good idea.

Personally I will move out for my own sanity. I have always wanted to settle down in my own home, that's always been one of my consistent desires. (And in the unlikely event I ever have my exciting lesbian sex life, I don't see it taking place here.)
Also my dad wants me to move out. I dare say he can't wait to wander naked about the place. In fact, he's already started (could that be a hint?!!)
If I have to move back in later on when he's decrepit, I'll at least appreciate the break, as will he.
I can't afford to move out within reasonable travelling distance, but it is what it is. If I ever manage to become more successful (unlikely at this point) then we'll see.

[Formershyguy]

Thanks for the replies. The cost of living crisis is another added worry too because I worry even the most smallest details like having enough money to pay my bills, what my new neighbours will be like, having to look after a garden (hopefully if I did get a flat I wouldn't have a garden as I don't like gardening) I don't even know how to use a washing machine but cooking, ironing and cleaning aren't such a problem. I was teaching myself how to cook and bake over lockdown. Also I have worked in a cleaning job for 10 years (about 4 years ago as it was really stressful).

The benefit of living with my mum is I can save money which means I also have more disposable income. But this also means she doesn't like being alone and I have to care for her a little. Its lucky I have been living with her as many years ago she had an accident on a trampoline and needed walking to the bathroom.

As someone mentioned they said they used to have their own place. I could simply say this and that now I look after my mum because I can't stand the thought of putting her in a home.

When I have told people I still live with my mum I have been met with harsh judgements But F them! Many parents just almost forcibly push their kids out the door when they reach 18. My sister couldn't wait to move out but she always had that stronger, more independant character where as my mum messed me up by being too over protective which held me back in many other ways too.

This is probably the reason I had therapy for 5 years as I had crippling social anxiety. To the point I couldn't even use public transport or eat out on my own but these things are second nature to me now.

Having my own place would atleast give me more freedom and I wouldn't have anyone to answer to. I would be able to come and go as I wished. I have to lie to my mum telling her I have a date just to get out at night because she can't handle being alone. But she is alone a lot in the daytime anyway because I'm at work so surely she could handle the times I go out for the day at weekends and the few hours I try to go out in the evenings?

I did inherit some money from my Dad when he passed away but I wanted to hold onto as much of it as I can. I doubt I could get anything from the council knowing that I have this money. I'm trying to save money I make from my job too.

I had a friend who moved in with his Dad after having his own place. I believe he has 2 jobs now. I don't want to go back to working 2 jobs again unless its something easy with little stress. But he inherited his Dad's bungalow and managed to get it refurbished.

[Dougella]

Originally Posted by The*Crafty*Elf

I wouldn't want to move anywhere the Council would put me. Definitely not some crack den of a flat. I hate living in this area and i would move well away if i could. My only hope is for a lucky Lotto win then i can just ***k off and at least get one or two good years in before i decide to go

There are council houses in all kinds of areas and you can choose where you'd like to move to. But winning the lottery would be a very nice solution too

[Dougella]

That's amazing that you've made so much progress with your SA Formershyguy

I would say that if living with your Mum suits you then carry on! If you have no particular reason or desire to have your own place then there's no need to.

[Scurrilous Rumour]

Down South, the cost of renting is one of the biggest problems. In my area, the cheapest one bedroom flats are about £850 a month. And it's been like that round here since forever. I can remember in my 20s thinking it just wasn't worth moving out. And I couldn't afford a house deposit because I hadn't got the first clue about saving money at the time. Luckily I escaped from home in my 30s (with the help of a girlfriend at the time), but if you are paying the bills by yourself then you need a reasonable income before you can even consider it. I think the living at home situation is far more common today than it used to be simply because of financial considerations. I'm pretty sure I've even read articles about it being an epidemic.

Having said that, I would like to mention a psychological aspect to this subject. The longer you stay in any situation, voluntarily or involuntarily, the more you become adapted to it until finally you end up conditioned to it. This is what happens when people become institutionalised, or when long term prisoners become terrified at the thought of being released - the prison finally becomes their comfort zone. So you have to consider whether your current comfort zone is actually comfortable for you or whether you have, as a result of a hundred decisions to avoid risk, contorted yourself into an uncomforabe shape to fit it. Because at the end of the day, although a comfort zone keeps scary things at arms length, it also keeps exciting and good things at arms length too. And it may only be comfortable because you are telling yourself it is. So start making escape plans, people, even if they are only hypothetical.

The above probably sounds less sympathetic than I meant it to be, and I really do sympathise because I've been there, but I just wanted to push back a little against the idea of accepting the path of least resistance.

[Dougella]

^ Well maybe not, unless you had a particular connection to the Yorkshire Dales! But there are some pretty rural and isolated parts of Devon aren't there, lots of people might not want to live there but it might be perfect for you. Anyway, I just don't want you to think that if that time came there wouldn't be any options, because there might be some.

[Dougella]

^ I think you deserve more than that. In another life I would have been such a busy-body social worker type, good think anxiety and inability to speak to human beings stopped me from doing that

[Quietman]

I still live at home, it can be hard at times living with someone.

[Quietman]

Crafty Elf, would you ever move abroad, I’ve heard that some country’s are more relaxing to be in for people with anxiety and that the people are more friendly than England.

[Bored]

If you didn't have your fancy avocados and fancy coffee and fancy phone and fancy holidays and fancy flat screen tv with fancy streaming service's and fancy heating and ate gruel for breakfast and lunch and dinner and supper you would be able to buy your own property ........................................



In about a couple of hundred years innit


If you do care for somebody don't forget to check if you can claim carers allowance

[mj187]

All comes down to money & the price of houses are extortionate. The banks won't even listen unless you have large capital. They assess you & say you can't afford a £500 pm mortgage but rent is £700+, which makes no sense. If you can afford to rent somewhere then you defiantly can afford a mortgage. But again you need large capital deposit. A lot of people have parents to fall upon with the deposit. Not all as some have worked for it.
Better life choices from my 20's would have meant I could probably have bought my own place. But now having to pay rent & bills, there isn't enough left over money to save. Or very little so it would take 10 yrs to save enough deposit, but a mortgage at 50 seems a bit late.

As for renting your own place, the rents are so high like 50% or more of my wages. Doable, yes but not much left of your wages after paying bills.

I can see why more people live at home. There's no shame in it. I would probably still be living at home if my parents were alive today. Convenience & emotional support is one reason for it. Costs is another.

I live with my brother & sister since our mother passed away when I was 13. Now 39, we are joint tenant's in a house together. I've never lived alone. I would love my own place & someday soon I feel I need to go it alone. But I do worry about loneliness & falling into social withdrawal.

I agree it's sometimes about choices. Expensive possessions vs a home of your own.

[magnolia]

Please please do NOT feel bad about living with your mum. Do NOT feel bad about never having your own place.
I moved out of my parents last year, I'm 44.
Moved in with my boyfriend. If i had never met my bf I would still be at my parents cos I know i would be lonely as hell living on my own. I do work and my parents had about £200 a month from me, the rest i saved. Boy did i save a lot.

Most kids leave at 18? maybe older? I think thats what this countrys culture says you should do but in reality i doubt its actually true. Rents are so high now, and mortgages, the cost of living etc......I think theres going to be a lot of young people not being able to get their own place.
Like you say, your job is temp so you are definatley doing the right thing by living at your mums.

I'm sure any decent woman you meet will understand about you living with your mum. If she doesn't then she's not the right one. I would understand. My bf had to move in with his parents for a year when we were dating and i didn't mind at all.

There shouldn't be any shame in it. I don't know what it is with this country. You're seen as weak or lazy if you're still at your parents when you're a full frown adult, it's wrong.

In other countries , its normal !

[choirgirl]

Your second paragraph applies to me Scurrilous. Because family saved me when I needed saving, and I got more anxious plus everything got more expensive, it was a decade before I got serious about getting out, but ofc I ran out of steam before the end. I'll get there, even if I'm a decrepit old crone by then.

[hollowone]

Don't worry about being judged by your living situation. You've mentioned the reasons you're living at home that are bound to be relatable, these reasons are also my reasons (hope you don't mind me quoting).

I hate the thought of all my savings and money going into my bills and home and not being able to go out and do stuff. I think it would really stress me out. The advantage of living with my mum is I can save money and when I;m out of work I can take a break and live on my savings but not sure I'd be able to do that if I got my own place because me and my mum share the bills.

Some people might say I should share with someone but I don't think I could live with a complete stranger. I like my own space and being able to do what I want. And I know there could be petty disputes and arguments.

Also my mum is not in the best of health. I help her out with shopping, taking the rubbish, helping her take her shoes off as she has arthritis. She also smokes which is probably not helping her. I worry about when she eventually passes and not having her there for that support. Sounds selfish and I feel bad, but I do love her. Even though she can be overbearing at times.

If you're worried about a potential girlfriend judging you by your living situation, just tell here your reasons as you've stated as matter of fact as here. Someone worth your time won't judge you. If they do then F-em.

[Hayman]

I'm 37 and remain at home with the parents. I've never experienced living alone, nor had the means to do so. With the income I earn, I literally wouldn't be able to afford a car, food or drink if I had my own place. Plus, with both parents retired, it actually works out financially beneficial for us all for me to remain at home. I can't see that situation changing any time soon.

Plenty of people at work do 'have a go' at me for remaining at home. Including, ironically, one who remains in his late parents' home in his fifties. I don't know whether he's moved out at some point in the past before I knew him - which may be his reason, but in the twelve years I've known him he's always been in the family home.

Whilst I do wish I could experience having that independence of my own place, it's not something I give too much thought about any more if I have to be honest. I've not had that 'itchy feet' feeling since at least my early thirties - when I did come under some considerable pressure from acquaintances. There isn't really much I've not heard from them before, so it goes in one ear and out the other if anything is mentioned about it these days. My personal living arrangements shouldn't be of a concern to them or indeed anyone else.

It's already long been discussed that it's likely I'll either inherit the house from the parents and pay my brother rent to cover his half (which he's already said in the past he'll sign it over as he already has his own property), or I'll end up moving somewhere closer to him (as he lives 240 miles away) and buying myself somewhere small without a mortgage.

[Ronnie_Pickering]

I left home and five years later the parent I had been living with died. So I kind have wondered had I stayed could I have caught them and got the emergency services on the way. But I otherwise don't regret moving, in that, I have explored what I was keen to do.

The parent you are living with is getting older. You maybe a carer in the future for them. So there is that advantage of staying there. People tend to do better with social company- even if a parent, then isolated I think. I think I put on about 2 stones since I left home as well. All depends on you. The parent I lived with I had a bit of tense relationship with them, but when I left, we did got on much better. If you get on with your parent then I don't think it really matters.

I had hoped to find a partner when I left home, but I didn't. It was just the same. I think it's all gonna depend how much you get out there(socially, work-wise), and aren't inhibited with nerves re: a partner. Living situation I don't think would make much difference. It's more whether you are getting out there to make the potential connections with somebody.

A solution if you did want to move out, is to live nearby then you can keep checking on your parent whilst exploring if its the option for you. Financially you ideally need to be in something stable. Or you hit savings, or you need benefits. But it's all up to you. There's no real pressure any way.

[Dougella]

^ Adult children can't all stay living with a parent just incase though, unless that's the right situation for them. I'm sorry about your parent
I moved out when I was 30 to I've with my partner. My Mum was then living on her own for quite a few years but then she met her partner and now they are married and living together, so you never know what will happen

[Ronnie_Pickering]

well I don't believe in the pressure, and I know of at least 2 examples where there's a daughter living with her mother, and a son living with their mother, well into their late 30s and 40s. So it's all up to the individual. For me I just had to move out, because I hated the city I lived in and wanted to move from there, and to try it out before I would have to move back to potentially have to look after aging parent/s. Live a bit first. It was good reasoning, but all accords to the individual.

[Dougella]

^ Oh yes it's very common and becoming more so now with the financial situation as it is.

[Bored]

If you work full time, you should be able to afford a banana or two

[Dougella]

^ Yes absolutely, in some areas people can only afford a room in a shared house if they're working full time. Which ofcourse doesn't work for some people with SA. Also a lot of people do stay with parents longer in order to save up the deposit to buy their own place.