#1
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Does anyone else come across as passive?
I have had a light bulb moment. I think I come across as passive. I was thinking of how much I am not a people person, and how I seem to be getting worse with age, and how much I like alone time for sanity and having control over what may seem to be small aspects of my life and how I even have some trust issues with people etc etc. Part of it is people are just exhausting, even when I am enjoying their company. But part of it is I think I come across as passive, and that attracts people who feel the need to overstep the mark, to dominate me in some way. It usually is in a small way, but not always. And I don't like being ruled over. I have to resist, but the act of resistance is tiring, and I find I don't resist enough. If it's a close relationship, there are reasons not to resist, and if it isn't, it usually doesn't seem worth making a scene over.
I don't think of myself as passive, but I may come across that way. I try to not sweat the small stuff, I don't like to think of myself as petty and vindictive, but I think some people see that as carte blanche to trample over you if you don't nip small slights in the bud. I also don't like confrontation in most cases. And I try to - or I used to try to see all sides, to reserve judgement. I am less like that nowadays but on the other hand I am more patient, so I may come across as lacking energy and conviction. And I am not a high energy person and I probably come across as even lower energy than I am. So for all these reasons I think I come across as passive. I think people who come across as passive attract people who want to rule over them. And people try it on with me when they don't with everyone. Once you get to a certain age, you start to realise, it's not just them, it must be me. There's actually a pattern here. Why don't I crave being with people most of the time? Because sooner or later there must be confrontation, which I hate and often lose. And if there is no confrontation from my end, then I am completely screwed. |
#2
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Re: Does anyone else come across as passive?
I agree choirgirl that some people will unfortunately try to take advantage of those they see as passive. There are also many people that won't do that of course but I think it's natural to develop a defense mechanism over the years if you feel like you've been treated that way repeatedly and for that to lead to having less interest in meeting new people.
In my case I don't see myself as passive but I do feel like I've been used by friends and partners more often than not in the past where it's been mostly a case of them taking support etc when they wanted it and giving little back in return. My reaction to this has been to a) assume that everyone is going to act selfishly b) mentally exaggerate being taken advantage of in the past and c) gradually show less interest in making new social connections because what's the point if everyone is going to act like that? I'm starting to learn though that this is probably a bit of a distorted impression of the world that I have and it isn't helping me. I do want to meet new people and I feel lonely because I'm not doing that enough. And clearly it's not realistic for me to think that every single stranger in the world is overly selfish. So I at least recognise that now. Thinking patterns are obviously difficult to break though, especially ones driven by emotions. |
#3
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Re: Does anyone else come across as passive?
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#4
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Re: Does anyone else come across as passive?
In my experience, passive personality types attract domineering/manipulative personality types. Many of my friends and family are routinely taken in by such types and it's a great shame. I can identify with it as I've been that passive person earlier on in life and perhaps still am in some ways. Just remember that a passive personality type affords you many more opportunities to observe. Some of the most intelligent, insightful and compassionate people I've befriended have been of lower social status. As an eternal misfit I identify with these people acutely. However, respect for yourself and the pride you carry in your abilities/intellect is key. Don't sell yourself short regardless of where you find yourself in life.
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#5
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Re: Does anyone else come across as passive?
They do. I come across much more confident these days and attract many passive personality types. Luckily for them, I've experienced what it's like as a passive type and honestly, the thought of manipulating or taking advantage of them disgusts me. I care about my friends deeply. They're like family to me.
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#6
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Re: Does anyone else come across as passive?
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I would say that bullies for instance generally lack control over their own lives and/or have insecurities which they deal with by trying to control or mock other people. Some bullies are also just narcissists of course. There's also another way in which society can function and be held together other than by people exerting power over each other which is that people show compassion towards either. I hope the way of compassion reflects human nature more than the way of power over each other but it's probably up for debate. |
#7
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Re: Does anyone else come across as passive?
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In the early days my passive nature meant that I'd slowly boil inside until it blew up and we'd have a big row. If I hadn't been a passive person it'd probably have ended in the same row but without the slow boil, with the rows being likely more frequent. Ultimately I recognised that this difference was just a small part of our relationship and worked out ways around it. I'm glad I did. If I'd not been a passive person we'd probably no longer be together. |
#8
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Re: Does anyone else come across as passive?
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Compassion is also a form of social bonding, I absolutely agree, and a very important one. I just don't think it's the only one, or one that can apply in all cases. Humans seem to function under a sort of mix-and-match. It doesn't help that alot of compassion I see is really power with a friendly face (either that or I have become terribly cynical which I suppose is possible), but that's by-the-by other than as a thing-to-remember when trying to discern what, in terms of human interactions, is what. |
#9
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Re: Does anyone else come across as passive?
I absolutely agree with you umm. I do think power struggles and the urge to dominate are inherent in humans. And the mix and match thing as well, there are other traits as well, like cooperation. And it's inevitable and not always bad, but personally I've always been more of a egalitarian type, but not to the point where it gets silly. But I must come across as a passive type. And I think that compassion can be a mix of things, but can absolutely be linked with the urge to dominate. And of course the receiver of compassion can allow themselves to be dominated, but also can be quite manipulative so the power transfer isn't always one-way. Actually, perhaps you mean that compassion is a demonstration of power? That you can afford to be compassionate, you don't need to smite other people into the dust all the time?
I think in intimate relationships (family, couple) you can often get this confused dynamic between the domination/submission/power struggle thing at one end, and then the desire to mutually support and be close at the other and they do sort of conflict. Of course some people find all this sort of thing thrilling in a couple. I find it gets tiresome. Especially with parents. But really, with anyone, certainly with anyone you live with or spend a lot of time with. Also some people have a stronger urge to dominate than others, so it's something that always comes up with those people. They can't be in a room with some humans without it coming up. I prefer to avoid those people where possible, but what if they're your boss or great friends with the boss? Then it's not that easy. Actually, when you're a kid you can have this dominant/submissive relationship with friends. I don't think friendships as adults function the same way, but perhaps that is because adults have others in their life to dominate. Their children, maybe their partners, their underlings at work? I was the passive one with my best friend growing up, and now we are still friends and we don't have that dynamic, because she gave it up. It wasn't me changing. Of course, the beauty of a friendship is that it is egalitarian, more so than other relationships. But it's a bit of a theme in my life, and it's funny because I don't think of myself like that. I have a lot more to say on this topic, and examples from my life, but maybe I'll spare you all the inner recesses of my mind. That's a very interesting point anewyear. The received wisdom nowadays would be all about not bottling it up and blowing up in your partner's face, but it sounds like you were going to have the rows anyway, and at least the rest of the time you weren't nagging her about it. I've kind of prided myself on not sweating the small stuff since I was young, I've thought of it as a virtue. But I think some pick up on it as a weakness. I think I don't crave company because I don't get as much out of it as others. But I do get more out of more egalitarian, friendly interactions. The other kind are more draining. I may have developed defence mechanisms as a result. I wouldn't say every encounter leaves me drained. But if someone said to me, you have to live with other people for the rest of your life, I would be depressed. I am so done. Or if I had to be married, and that was literally the only way I could ever live outside of a parent/HMO situation, I would be scared I couldn't find anyone I could stand to be with full time, who could stand to be with me full time. |
#10
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Re: Does anyone else come across as passive?
I would say I am definitely a passive person. A few years ago when I had CBT one of the exercises was to disagree with everything the psychologist said for a few minutes. I found it excruciatingly difficult, he said it was something I should practice. I have tried to speak out against things, but still find it is incredibly hard. I think I do find that bolder people tend to bully me.
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#11
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#12
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Re: Does anyone else come across as passive?
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I can't help but admit that you have an extremely good point though - power relations exist and to an extent it doesn't really matter why they exist or whether they are good/bad/neutral because it's true that if you don't learn how to deal with them it can cause a lot of problems. Personally I'd say I'm not exactly fantastic at it myself, my reaction to people who seek to exert power is generally to either avoid that person or be verbally confrontational with them (whilst experiencing a lot of anxiety). This generally ends badly since a person in a position of power is almost always more than capable of putting down someone that isn't and making them look even more silly. Quote:
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#13
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Re: Does anyone else come across as passive?
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it is an inherently bad quality, perhaps even evil. the desire to have power over people is certainly not as routine, simple or basic as the desire to eat. however,. in 1940's Germany, you'd possibly have been correct, and have fitted right in. |
#14
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Re: Does anyone else come across as passive?
Brilliant post Candlelight, I think that what you say about cooperation being more important is totally true in spite of all of the survival of the fittest and competitive mantras that get driven by the more selfish and narcissist groups in society and who tend to hold the power (due to the reasons you stated). I also think that because of the domination of those groups in industry and politics, a culture has ended up developing whereby narcissistic and selfish behaviour is respected and seen as inevitable at all levels of society, for instance in social groups.
None of this is good of course! But it is helpful to have an understanding of it. I would still agree that umm has a point in that whatever the rights and wrongs, each of us has to find a way of getting by, which in today's world means finding a way to deal with selfish or narcissistic people. As I said before I think I'm yet to do that personally admittedly! |
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#16
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Re: Does anyone else come across as passive?
The politics of it all is interesting.
But how do you deal with the difficult people who you can't avoid? And even more complicated, what about the people you don't want to avoid, but you want to change the dynamic of the relationship? Is it up to them, not you whether or not they want to change? I kind of assume that yes it is. |
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#19
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Re: Does anyone else come across as passive?
yes. I just can't sound right. I've just never been.
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