#151
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
I've answered this post before but there's something I've never understood how some people can get together and truly be in love, guy & girl both know in their hearts that it's real love and then something like a year and a half later it's all over.
So does that mean they didn't really love one another in the first place, or they still do (true love never dies) and the break-up kills them everyday their apart. It's all or nothing isn't it? With my partner the only mode we can be together is via phone and it frustrates the hell out of me but I can't seem to leave because who else would I have to talk to? When I get published I'll use the money to go on a real recovery kick and hopefully then I'll be well enough to be with him in person. |
#152
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
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I remember in the past thinking that if I listed all my faults and failings I'd never in a million years be able to believe a single woman on earth could want me. I also remember thinking that if I listed all the things I require in a relationship simply no one could live up to it all. And who was I to even ask for that when I felt I had so little to offer them myself? To be honest, I refuse to dwell on those things. I just have a go and see what happens. At some point in time I also realised that woman are not perfect either, so I took them off the pedestal I'd placed them on. I also realised that no matter who you are or what you are, there will always be people who find you attractive. The really difficult part is finding them. They exist, and always will, but it's a case of being in a position to meet them. I met them through friends, through being in drink when out so better able to socialise and be seen, and in mundane places like college, where I met my current partner of 8 years now. I think it's too easy to let our assumptions put us off. OK, we will not be everyone's cup of tea, but we will appeal to some out there. I don't concern myself with the one's who are not interested in me. I mean why fret over that? The people that do matter are the one's who do want to be with us and do value us. One thing to bear in mind is that comparitively few relationships 'work' forever. All my previous relationships have 'failed' at some point. Sometimes my fault, sometimes their fault, sometimes because they simply ran their course. But I don't even see all that as genuine failure. I just see it as having a series of vastly varied life experiences that eventually ran their course. Of course, endings and even some relationships themselves can be very painful, but that's all part of the process. If we avoid the experience simply because it might include pain, we will never do anything worthwhile in life. Relationships can include the most beautiful highs, but also the most gut-wrenching lows. I accept all that though, so I can plough on regardless. Matbe I just think, well the odds are against me, I'm deeply flawed, it could all go wrong ... but hang on, I don't care about the odds, others are just as flawed as I am, and hey, it could just go right as many/more times as it goes wrong ... so jump in anyway. Whatever happens, I'm going to enjoy the rollercoaster for what it is. In much more recent years I've also built a healthy self-esteem. So these days although I know I lack in so many ways, I also know that as a human being I have something to offer. So on that basis I feel well worthy of having a partner and being loved. It wasn't always that way of course, for probably three quarters of my like I loathed myself. Maybe back then, despite everything, I just ploughed on regardless and found success with relationships because of that. Sometimes others can see the good in us even if we cannot ourselves. Sorry if all that is gibberish to you, but I think it's just the way it's been for me. It's hard to define and sum up really. |
#153
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
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For me my SA is an irrational fear, specifically much worse with men or even worse groups of men. Groups of macho men (e.g. a rugby team) I avoid at all costs. I'm much better one to one and better with women and children. I have a profound mistrust of men. I'm not shy though, can even be extroverted once I feel comfortable and trust someone. |
#154
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
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I don't think an ending invalidates what went before it at all. I simply don't buy the idea that love, in itself, never dies. It can, and it often does. This does not mean it didn't exist at a point in time though. I had one partner in particular who I believed had everything I ever dreamed of, and I mean literally everything. Our love was extremely intense and lasted seven years. For various reasons it eventually come to an end, but it doesn't mean we weren't really deeply in love. We were, but it ran its course due to various reasons. I'm now in a different, and even longer, relationship and love the person I'm with so much. Life is fluid, relationships are fluid, emotions are fluid and as such they evolve, change and grow. Sometimes this sees love remain strong, and sometimes it sees it die. At one time I could never get my head around the fact that real love can die and that people can move on. But it can, and we do. Things in life change, and as sad as it can undoubtedly be, love is no different. I think for me the moral is to enjoy every minute of it and make the most of it. It can last, but it doesn't always do so. |
#155
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
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When I came out of my one relationship I was actually very confident, over confident really. But I discovered that finding another relationship was difficult. I eventually tried speed dating and this totally destroyed my confidence - to see no one giving me a 'tick' just played into my insecurities. I think as I hated the experience, I was never going to come across well. I need to understand, as you say, that not everyone will like us, but if some do that's OK. |
#156
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
Even though its really all just a load of bullshit and everyone here seems pretty much agreed on that, reading what the OP said made me angry so allow me to rant just a bit.
The first reason is that he posted as if there are only males on this board, and I can well imagine that he is one of those who thinks women with SA don't have things as bad. That topic's been done to death on here and I won't say any more but obviously I feel annoyed by that. Secondly the OP is assuming that people with SA would not be in a relationship. Not really sure how anyone intelligent could reach such a conclusion as we all know that everyone is affected differently by SA. Personally, I can't imagine anyone feeling that relationships are their biggest problem as for me having a happy life does not depend on having a boyfriend but on something else, but I'm not about to start a thread titled "not in a relationship? why do you even care?" because everyone is different and its good to try to feel some empathy and understanding towards others!! I consider myself to have severe SA all my life, I don't have any friends and can't approach anyone - man or woman - when not drunk or high. I go through my days barely speaking and there have been times when it was hard to leave the house. I'm terrified of using the phone and doing badly at work because I'm too afraid to ask for help. I have several medical problems but haven't managed to see the doctor about most of them. Put simply, my SA affects every area of my life quite badly yet I do still have a boyfriend (who I did actually meet while drunk) and I'm very lucky because he is understanding of my problems and sensitive. Seems to me the OP is unhappy that he can't approach women and therefore anyone that can (or is a woman) doesn't really have any problems at all. It's not often that I post when feeling annoyed as I'm normally too afraid to express my feelings but this one I just had to say something. |
#157
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
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More than half way there is pretty good going. There are non-SA people who are nowhere near that. I don't envy you the speed dating experience. Nothing on earth would get me to take part in something like that, although I understand why lots of people do it themselves. I imagine, like you said, that it can potentially destroy any confidence you had in the first place. Not good!! Yes, I think it's important to see some balance. Of course, we will not be everyone's cup of tea, just as the majority may not be our own cup of tea either. But they don't really matter. The people who do matter are the one's we do have common ground with and who value us for who and what we are. So it's best to put our energies into those people if and when we find them, rather than fretting over those who aren't really for us anyway. There are no doubt loads of people who if they knew me they'd not like me or want to be with me, but hey, I don't want to be with people who don't want to be with me, so they don't matter to me at all. Anyway, yes, there will always be someone who will like us. Finding them is the harder bit, obviously moreso when SA is in the mix. Whilst we are sat here, the world outside has numerous people who would like us and vice versa if only we knew about each other and could make contact with each other. |
#158
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
I've had relationships but there's no doubt my SA and more noticeably, my depression has impacted on them and prevented me from giving my all, thus leading them to inevitably break down eventually. I couldn't approach anyone or make the first move though, no matter how much I liked someone. But yeah, of course, I believe people with SA can have relationships or be married and still have SA because as other's have said, everyone's condition and the severity of that condition varies.
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#159
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
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I suppose it highlights that gross generalisations and assumptions are not just the preserve of the 'normals' out there. Plenty of us SA people can be just as prone to assumptions and generalisations too. Nice rant anyway, and I agree with you. |
#160
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
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Have a hug. |
#161
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
SA manifests itself in many different ways. ive been in relationships. im a female who actually doesn't have (too) much trouble talking to men. but i have zero female friends. i work in an environment that is 99% female. i can barely function around coworkers. i am afraid of talking to any female in authority. for men the fear is not as bad, but it is still there - just not as severe. people think i'm aloof and unfriendly. i have been diagnosed with SA by professionals. still want to say i don't have SA just because i've had some level of success with the opposite sex? didn't think so
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#162
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
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I remember in the past thinking that if I listed all my faults and failings I'd never in a million years be able to believe a single woman on earth could want me. I also remember thinking that if I listed all the things I require in a relationship simply no one could live up to it all. And who was I to even ask for that when I felt I had so little to offer them myself? To be honest, I refuse to dwell on those things. I just have a go and see what happens. At some point in time I also realised that woman are not perfect either, so I took them off the pedestal I'd placed them on. I also realised that no matter who you are or what you are, there will always be people who find you attractive. The really difficult part is finding them. They exist, and always will, but it's a case of being in a position to meet them. I met them through friends, through being in drink when out so better able to socialise and be seen, and in mundane places like college, where I met my current partner of 8 years now. I think it's too easy to let our assumptions put us off. OK, we will not be everyone's cup of tea, but we will appeal to some out there. I don't concern myself with the one's who are not interested in me. I mean why fret over that? The people that do matter are the one's who do want to be with us and do value us. One thing to bear in mind is that comparitively few relationships 'work' forever. All my previous relationships have 'failed' at some point. Sometimes my fault, sometimes their fault, sometimes because they simply ran their course. But I don't even see all that as genuine failure. I just see it as having a series of vastly varied life experiences that eventually ran their course. Of course, endings and even some relationships themselves can be very painful, but that's all part of the process. If we avoid the experience simply because it might include pain, we will never do anything worthwhile in life. Relationships can include the most beautiful highs, but also the most gut-wrenching lows. I accept all that though, so I can plough on regardless. Matbe I just think, well the odds are against me, I'm deeply flawed, it could all go wrong ... but hang on, I don't care about the odds, others are just as flawed as I am, and hey, it could just go right as many/more times as it goes wrong ... so jump in anyway. Whatever happens, I'm going to enjoy the rollercoaster for what it is. In much more recent years I've also built a healthy self-esteem. So these days although I know I lack in so many ways, I also know that as a human being I have something to offer. So on that basis I feel well worthy of having a partner and being loved. It wasn't always that way of course, for probably three quarters of my like I loathed myself. Maybe back then, despite everything, I just ploughed on regardless and found success with relationships because of that. Sometimes others can see the good in us even if we cannot ourselves. Sorry if all that is gibberish to you, but I think it's just the way it's been for me. It's hard to define and sum up really. |
#163
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
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#164
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
Just to throw in my own experience.
My boyfriend and I chatted online for FIVE YEARS before we had the courage to meet. We hit it off online almost instantly but it still took us both that long to get to a place where we felt OK to meet up. He admitted to me that he almost didn't go, and I threw up on the train journey because I felt so sick with nerves. We both have SA and we both assumed it would initially be awkward when we met. But it wasn't. He is the only person I have ever felt comfortable around in my life. He moved in with me a month later and we've been together five years now, we've not had a single argument that whole time. People sometimes tell me that it's a bad idea for two people with SA to be in a relationship, and in some cases that might be true. But since we've been together we've both come on in leaps and bounds with our SA. We're helping each other through it and we're doing great. It's brilliant to have someone who genuinely understands. |
#165
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
If OP is saying that a) male, b) heterosexuals with c) severe social anxiety won’t have much of a love life, that’s probably true around 80 % of the time, and cursory observations of this site seem to support that.
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#166
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
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#167
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
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#168
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
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But the problem is how the OP sees things which is well illustrated by his phrasing: Quote:
Also plenty of non-SA'ers struggle to approach women, so if the only criteria was being able to approach romantic interests then a lot more people would qualify to be SA. I bet there are some SA'ers who see people posting and think 'They can't have SA if they are posting on a forum!' I could understand why they might think that as it took me 6 months to make my first post after joining. I think the problem here is a skewed perception of what it is to be SA and failing to understand how it affects others differently. Kind of eye opening really when we may sometimes wonder why non-SA'ers don't seem to understand SA. |
#169
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
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Firstly he says - Quote:
Secondly, he suggests that you cannot be SA and have a partner or be married. Again, this is wildly inaccurate. A day looking through this site blows that idea totally out of the water. Thirdly, he suggests that ''if you can approach women, the world is your oyster.'' Now that is so flawed it is ridiculous. I can understand how Chris may arrive at that conclusion himself, but it bears little relation to reality. I've never had any bother finding a partner, but SA has decimated most of my life. The ability to relate to and speak to women, whilst nice, is no cure for SA, and it's no consolation if you can't get through an education, do basic things most others do in their sleep, hold down a job, make money, build a future etc... Chris is correct when he suggests that people with SA are probably more likely to be single like he is, but this is far from the case across the board. A lot of SA people have partners or are married. He also says - Quote:
Anyway, I don't see this thread as confrontational at all. If anything it helps address some really deeply flawed ideas around SA that many of us may have had in the past or hold today. I totally gets Chris' point of view, and he has every right to air it, but I just don't agree with his assumptions, basically because they do not hold water. He stated from the off that his thoughts weren't meant as an attack, and I believe him too. I think it's really good to dispute flawed logic in ourselves and others, and this thread is just one example of this. Sadly, it is Chris' logic and assumptions on this that may have gone some way towards keeping him single when he posted this. Hopefully he's moved on and now has someone in his life and can look back with a wry smile at his post, realising that it was just good old flawed SA thinking that was at work. EDIT: I should have read all the replies before posting this. Diplodocus already nailed what I have said in fewer words and much more clearly. |
#170
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Re: Married or in a relationship? You don't have SA
Sorry, but we've decided to close this thread. We feel uneasy about letting people discuss the OP as they haven't been online in almost a year and can't defend or explain themselves at the moment. With that in mind, and also the following bits and pieces from the FAQ, we're not sure it's fair to let the conversation continue. I'm sure you'll understand
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