Anxious Guy Advice?

[toughbird]

Hi Guys

Really need your support and advice here. So far everything you have suggested has been totally spot on.

Okay so me and my colleague had discussion. I can honestly confirm he has high anxiety. Bascially we really gelled today working together. I offered support. He seemed to ease up. Once he gained confidence, he made reference and agreed that we will go out sometime. At first he suggested to bring along our colleague. When I questioned why. I asked if it could just be us? I pointed out that I want to have a friendship with him outside of work and enjoy his company. He agreed but suggested to go for a coffee to begin with. He requested to give it some time before we go. We shook hands and made a deal that we go for one.

He opened up more about his anxiety especially his quality of life. All his friends have got families and married. So I know he would be grateful for a friendship.

Every once a while, I reached out to hug him as a comfort thing.

Towards the end of the day, he appeared a bit more relaxed.

When we finished our shifts, he began to feel anxious and I could see him trembling with anxiety and he rushed out to leave before me.

Is there any advice you can give on how to work with an anxious guy? Obviously I know to give lots of space and patience is essential. This is a guy who I want to support and be there for especially as a friend.

[Between The Bars]

Complicated stuff.

A dinnae ken any advice tae give ye.


BUMP

[ExSAguy]

What he did is totally expected of an SA.
He may have brief moments of confidence but as the moment approaches, his fear grows and grows, fight or flight activates and he runs away.

So, here's what I suggest you do.
Do NOT make any plans with him just yet.
At some point when you know you are both going to be free say something like
"Let's go for coffee right now"

It's a trick sure and he'll try to back out so play the lost lamb and say you can't go on your own.

I was shaking massively when I met a friend for coffee in town years ago.

Keep doing this a few times THEN make plans.

You've got to be a patient person

[snoo]

Probably not what you want to hear, but it all sounds rather pushy.
And people are only going to be fixed if they want to be.

I had a short relationship with a girl that where we would talk deeply about things like depression, anxiety. She would literally make all the moves. At the start I genuinely thought it was great, but after a while it ended up making me feel worse. I think I wanted someone to like me for who I am, not for someone who could cure me of the problems.

Just be cool about it and don't rush it, be there are a friend. The fact that he is resisting now is not really a great sign and it could well be that he just doesn't want anything else.

Working with an anxious guy I think is pretty easy. At most times I bet he is happy to be left alone. The last thing he wants is to feel pushed into stuff like hanging out after work. Maybe find a mutual interest and take it from there.

[Coffee]

There have been several threads about this and I'm totally confused now. You seem to say you want to be friends, but it feels like you want more. You seem to assume what he wants and needs and be keen to push him towards those things. You don't have to "work" with him. Just cool down and let things evolve, respect his space and issues a bit more and he may come to you, if that's what you want.

[Aelwyn]

Originally Posted by Coffee

There have been several threads about this and I'm totally confused now. You seem to say you want to be friends, but it feels like you want more. You seem to assume what he wants and needs and be keen to push him towards those things. You don't have to "work" with him. Just cool down and let things evolve, respect his space and issues a bit more and he may come to you, if that's what you want.

Yes I agree.

[Laracroft1]

Are you particularly attracted to him because of his issues? Do you feel like he needs to be rescued? Do you fancy vulnerable men? Ask yourself these questions. What's the real agenda? Because I am very much like that and as tempting as it is to charge in to the the rescue, it doesn't work as i have found out for myself. Be there for him, but don't pressure him. He is the only one that can fix himself.

[Ajax Amsterdam]

I agree with the thrust of what the other posters have said. I'd pull back a bit and give the guy some space. You don't actually have to do much in order to be supportive. Just being warm and friendly can be enough. Many anxious people will run fior the hills if they feel pressured, so I'd be mindful of that. I'm not fully sure of your motives for giving this guy so much attention, but I agree with Lara regarding rescuing. It rarely works. It could also scare him off if he feels he is becoming your 'pet project'.

As others have said; just give the guy some room, remain warm and friendly, don't pressurise him and just see how things go.

[Hayman]

Hi @toughbird. Firstly, well done for doing the approaching and showing support the way you have. This is extremely rare to see (and I say this as a 32 year old dateless man who simply can't get anywhere - ever.). It at least gives me some scrap of hope that one day, perhaps I can find someone who can also show some support in the way you have. I honestly cannot commend you enough.

The way you describe this person is very typical. Much like me in that respect. We like to have the support similar in the way you have given it but there are times when there are situations like this where we can feel rather overwhelmed and feel as though we're being pushed too far. My former best friend is much like this and at this moment in time, he’s starting to send me back into my shell…

In my case with Social Anxiety, whenever I push my boundaries, I like to do so under my own terms and conditions. I appreciate this sounds selfish and sadly, most people interpret it to be this way. Including medical professionals from my own experiences, sadly. In turn, this only heightens social anxiety, confirms to us that we're not particularly liked and as a result will only push us further away. If I go out, I like to know that there won't be any surprises sprung upon me, that I can go when I choose to leave and that the company I have is someone who I can trust to show a good degree of understanding. Without this, all the usual fears and emotions simply run riot in my head.

There's a fine line to dealing with social anxiety and in my opinion, again as one-sided as it may sound, the sufferer needs to be able to do what they would prefer to do – rather than being told. The sufferer needs to be given the choice and once they're out of their comfort zone with their own conditions set, then you'll likely see them wanting to repeat that if all goes well. This is pretty much the stage I'm at with regards to trying to found some sort of social life for myself.

My advice would be similar to what’s already been said. Continue to show that support and understanding. On the business of going out, I'd just slack off a little. Not stop (as I doubt he'd ask to meet up with you if his Social Anxiety is bad enough), but just give him some space and give him more time to assess the situation for any future repeat of what you've already done. Doing too much, too soon really can have a negative effect.

I really hope this doesn't sound like I'm being harsh on you and I hope you take this in the friendly and constructive manner in which I mean it to be. Again, I commend you for making that first move and showing willingness to understand and listen. You've very much done the right thing in that respect. I just hope you don't think this is something you can 'eradicate' from him because there's a good chance this simply won't happen. I've been fighting social anxiety since at least early adolescence and whilst I know I've improved in parts in recent years, I still have plenty of 'triggers' that send me right back to square one…

Sadly, Social Anxiety is part of our make-up. I don't feel there's actually for a cure for it. It's how we deal with it is the key and whist I know other's strongly disagree with me on this point - external influences/other people do notably contribute to our downfall or any improvements we make. I don't believe for a second it's a condition we can solely deal with.