The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by Painting Box

I’m done. Bye folks. ****ing ****** who NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN BORN

Says your brain. Your brain is doing this to you.

[Jen.]

Originally Posted by Moksha

Someone once explained it to me using a brilliant analogy. He was older and more experienced than me. Anyway, comparing casual sex to lovemaking, he said "imagine going to see a new film at the cinema, one you've been looking forward to for weeks. Now imagine the difference between watching that film with a stranger and watching it with a close friend"

Although you could add... imagine going to see a new film at the cinema, one you've been looking forward to for weeks. Now imagine every time you watch a film after that for the rest of your life, whether it's at the cinema or at home, it's always the same film and the same close friend I'm not sure the analogy is that brilliant.

[Dougella]

^ Some people enjoy seeing the same film with the same close friend over and over again but looking at it from different angles

[Schmosby]

^ Some people enjoy sex at the same cinema over and over again and are not too bothered how close their friends are and which angles they watch from.

[Dougella]

^ That too

[Counterpoint]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ Ofcourse that's not true. Has something happened to make you feel like that?

I apologise Dougella. It's against forum rules to post like that. I'm just attention seeking as usual. That's what I do. I've lost the abiltiy to make friends and create positives or offer anything of value so I just crap on the world and others. How I've descended since I first joined this boards. I just want to be nothing, I really would rather it. I don't belong in this world anymore. I really should get jelp as I am worried my rage could lead to something dangerous to others, I might be getting psychotic/homosidal. I've never lifted a finger to hurt anybody in my life, but I have many years of self-harming so my fear of hurting others is probably just fantasy, I'm much more likely to hurt myself,.

[Utopia]

Also, I just read up on the wiki page for 'psychological priojection", and the even Jesus mentions a form of projection: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

I didn't know Jesus was such a comedian. I know I can be guilty of this with my problems.

[Dougella]

Originally Posted by Painting Box

I apologise Dougella. It's against forum rules to post like that. I'm just attention seeking as usual. That's what I do. I've lost the abiltiy to make friends and create positives or offer anything of value so I just crap on the world and others. How I've descended since I first joined this boards. I just want to be nothing, I really would rather it. I don't belong in this world anymore. I really should get jelp as I am worried my rage could lead to something dangerous to others, I might be getting psychotic/homosidal. I've never lifted a finger to hurt anybody in my life, but I have many years of self-harming so my fear of hurting others is probably just fantasy, I'm much more likely to hurt myself,.

No need to apologise! This is the thread for expressing those feelings. As you say you're more likely to hurt yourself, but you don't deserve to be hurt either. Have you reached out for any kind of professional help?

[Dougella]

^ I thought having a child meant that you would have to meet all sorts of new people! But maybe it's just that you don't get to chose the kinds of people you're meeting.

[Dougella]

^ Aw, i'm assuming those friends don't have children themselves? Yes I suppose I imagined that you would meet people through toddler groups, then school or after school clubs etc. Maybe it's something you can work on a bit to help with your avoidance.

[Counterpoint]

Originally Posted by Dougella

No need to apologise! This is the thread for expressing those feelings. As you say you're more likely to hurt yourself, but you don't deserve to be hurt either. Have you reached out for any kind of professional help?

Thanks Dougella. I am not sure where to go for help. I don't want antidepressants and I cannot afford to take time off work. Even the SA support groups in London happen on evenings I am working. Something 'snapped' the other day and I felt a bit better since. I think my emotions spill over from the fact I'm agreeable and giving in my life, the classic 'I'm always there for the needs of others' thing, but then something dark, rebellious and selfish rises up inside me and wants to create havoc and that anger is directed towards myself, viscously. Perhaps I need to allow it to. Egoless states too often suggest peaceful states of mind, but perhaps it just means no judgement of our feelings.

[newbs16]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling at the moment. Maybe seeing the crisis team might help and they can help you to feel a bit more positive about things.

Take care of yourself.

Sent from my SM-A530F using Tapatalk

[Utopia]

^ Don't be like that skittles, I think schizophrenia is one of the worst illnesses, you have my sympathy.

[Merritt]

I would have absolutely no problem whatsoever with not waking up tomorrow. Like, the idea doesn't bother me at all. I don't even feel particularly emotional about it, just bored and indifferent.

[Schmosby]

^ I've always felt that way.

[Appear]

^^ I think I'm the same. If there were a non-existence button you could press that erases every trace of you and so leaves no one upset, I'd press it.

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by Appear

^^ I think I'm the same. If there were a non-existence button you could press that erases every trace of you and so leaves no one upset, I'd press it.

God, I can relate to that. It isn’t so much the wish to die (i’m terrified of the dying process, and who knows what lies beyond - maybe even more suffering). What I really want is never to have been born. I bitterly resent having been brought into this horrible sh*t. If only death wasn’t such a hideous, terrifying thing. Imagine if we were all holograms, for example, and just dissolved instantly, no pain or suffering, no revolting corpse that has been slowly tortured by cancer or Parkinson’s, no coffin or crematorium oven...just an instant disappearance - like switching off a light. There is a scene in Red Dwarf where Rimmer the hologram sort of flickers and then fades away. If only death were like that. But then millions of people would be switching themselves off I guess.

[Utopia]

^ Well you said depressive psychosis, sorry. Psychosis is a terrible symptom, either way it's not good.

[Counterpoint]

^Sorry to hear of your troubles. Being messed up is one thing, and not your fault, but the ‘I don’t deserve to live’ stuff is untrue and doesn’t help you. I can relate though, I punish myself in the same way. I count myself lucky that I never got into drink or drugs but I have plenty of my own problems. In fact I probably needed to drink a bit more to help me socially, as I became too ‘good’ and blocked myself off from experiencing life in any form, favouring fantasy, escapism and pornography, very addictive and isolating. Some of us need to be a little bit more good, others of us need to be that little bit more bad, depending on the problem. Do you also drink when you are alone? I wouldn’t say going out and over-drinking to ease social fears is as serious as solo drinking for the sake of it in one’s spare time.

[Orwell20]

Originally Posted by roro_1990

So sick and tired of alcohol being the only thing that enables me to lose my avoidant tendencies. I was out last night and had a good night, however, it took me three bottles of beer to get the courage to go into a pub alone, five beers to work up the courage to speak to anyone, and about seven beers to feel totally relaxed. I'd say I ended the night having drunk 8 or 9 bottles.

Aside from booze being actively detrimental to health, I also smoke while drinking. Oh, and my mental health is ****ed the next day and I invariably need a benzo to quell my hangxiety. It's like I have to pay my mental and physical health to be able to socialize.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Loads of people use alcohol to boost their self esteem and get them through social occasions. Watch them at a wedding or office party! First thing they do is head for the bar - and it’s simply to relax themselves and boost their confidence. The majority of people would have little social life if it wasn’t for alcohol. How many could face a party, for example, if they couldn’t drink or use drugs?

Members of this forum seem to think the majority of people are strong, happy, confident and sociable, and that it’s only a minority of weirdos, freaks and losers who hide away. In fact, huge numbers (at least a third) of people struggle. Even popular, loud people, who seem really confident, often secretly loathe themselves.

I do know what you mean about alcohol. Thankfully I don’t have much of a taste for it. I do drink, but it doesn’t do much for me. If ecstasy, coke, mushrooms and weed could be bought in Boots, I would never drink s*itty alcohol again. Plus, I end up acting like a total prat

[Dougella]

Originally Posted by roro_1990

So sick and tired of alcohol being the only thing that enables me to lose my avoidant tendencies. I was out last night and had a good night, however, it took me three bottles of beer to get the courage to go into a pub alone, five beers to work up the courage to speak to anyone, and about seven beers to feel totally relaxed. I'd say I ended the night having drunk 8 or 9 bottles.

Aside from booze being actively detrimental to health, I also smoke while drinking. Oh, and my mental health is ****ed the next day and I invariably need a benzo to quell my hangxiety. It's like I have to pay my mental and physical health to be able to socialize.

I think it was Alan Watts who said he didn't like himself when he wasn't drinking and I fully empathize with that. I have zero self-esteem when I am not drinking. I actively hate life and I hate myself. I spend all the time ruminating and wishing I had something different in terms of my life choices.

Wishing I wasn't stuck with a woman who I don't love (and yes, whatever way you look at it, having a child with someone from a foreign country means I am stuck with them because I'll lose access to my kid if I leave). Wishing I wasn't so utterly idiotic to choose to work online with no work colleagues and no interaction. Wishing I didn't bring an innocent amazing kid into this world in anything but the most ideal circumstances in a loving relationship with her mother.

I can genuinely see myself succumbing to alcohol at some point. It's not even that I am an extremely heavy daily drinker. I have one or two nights each week of getting drunk and then I can easily stay sober for 5 or 6 days. But as time goes on, my unhappy life and the fact that alcohol makes life bearable are both likely to lead to heavier drinking.

I also suffer from really bad hypochondria. I have a username over on a forum called nomorepanic and if you read through my posts there you would know how much of a batshit insane useless human I am.

I got a cough last week and convinced myself it would lead to a fatal heart illness known as myocarditis, which is when a seemingly innocuous virus enters the heart cells and causes heart failure or sudden death. I spent most of the day checking my pulse yesterday and I had an utterly unnecessary ECG last week.

My knowledge of certain medical ailments would surpass that of many medical students, despite the fact I have zero medical background. That knowledge is simply a result of endless Googling and reading medical papers.

A person as messed up as me does not deserve to continue living. And there is no real value in my continued existence; I'll likely be a shit dad anyway because I am in a relationship that I resent. There is no treatment available that can deal with a severe double anxiety disorder and avoidant personality.

Don't forget that you have a lot of choice about what kind of parent you are and I'm sure you'd want your daughter to have the best version of you possible and for you to around for as long as possible.

You do have choices about your relationship, but you're going to have to think about what you want to do. Does your partner also not feel in love with you or is she under the impression that things are fine between you? There's no reason that you'd lose access to your daughter if you split up (as long as you're on the birth certificate?!) But are you living in another country right now, or is your partner from abroad? Because obviously depending on the country the laws might be different so you might want to look in to that.

Losing yourself in alcohol will never be the answer and could make things for you a lot worse long term, I think you know that. I don't think you're as avoidant as you might think because you obviously want to socialise and you're putting yourself in situations where you're trying to.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Nanuq

^me too

I didn't go to my last day at high school (shirt signing day, in case no ine signed it, or wrote something mean), or the 6th form leavers do, or my own graduation ceremony
When I got married it was just me and him, we parked in a public car park and walked to the registry office, went for a drink on our own afterwards.
I have held down jobs, but never been included and always just leave, so I don't have the humiliation of no one bothering to organise a leaving night out

I can count the days out I have had with a 'friend' in my 40 years plus life on one hand.

Most of my life is just aloneness. I walk, I look at stuff, I do things by myself. I don't like it, I would have liked a fuller life. it's very hard, loneliness.

[Orwell20]

Originally Posted by roro_1990

I do think I am unique in my hiding away, to be honest. In college, I used to wander around campus like a lost soul wondering how everyone seems so confident and sociable. I skipped presentation elements in at least 2 modules. I have worked on my laptop since I was 25 while everyone else has colleagues and they socialize with them every single day. I am the definition of a hermit basically.

I can certainly relate roro. I have literally stared in disbelief at how comfortable and confident some people are. It's the comfort that really gets to me, the total lack of awkwardness or fear. What makes it worse is that such people are often incredibly dull. I don't resent it when they are witty, clever, well-read, brilliant conversationalists, and so on. People like that deserve to be confident. It's the ones who have zero personality and nothing to say who pi*s me off. I had this experience a little while ago. I went over a friend's to watch a football match, and his brother in law was there. Just like my friend's wife he has no personality (no opinions on anything, no conversation), yet he hasn't a shred of social anxiety either. He'd never met me before, so you would expect at least a hint of awkwardness - nope, nothing. He shook my hand and looked right through me, with about as much discomfort and awkwardness as a lump of cement.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Jimmy77

no personality (no opinions on anything, no conversation)

That's not necessarily a lack of personality. It may just be awkwardness or considerable introversion. It's not possible for someone to actually have *zero* personality. I don't consider myself lacking in personality, I'm just often poor at coming across. I daresay the same may apply to quite many posters on these forums.

[sophie79]

I'm so sorry to post here when others are more deserving. It's just my suicidal ideation has got so strong lately that it has turned into comforting fantasisies. Nearly 40 and my life has come to absolute nothing I just want it to all end.

I don't know how to cope with the feelings of despair I have. Such a mess is my life.

[Avalon]

^ Please don't apologise for posting on this thread. Your thoughts and feelings are equally as important as everyone else's on the forum so of course you deserve to share them here.

I'm sorry that you are struggling with feelings of despair. I know that when you are stuck in such a dark place it's impossible to believe that anything can ever be okay again.

Reaching 40 can be a big milestone for many people as they take stock of their lives. It can be a very depressing time if your life now is very different to how you hoped it might have turned out in your younger years. All I can say is that one of the most significant and positive life changing events in my life didn't occur until I had turned 40 and I know this is how it's been for many others too. I also know of members who only properly started living in their 40's and 50's so, believe me, it's never too late.

If your suicidal fantasies bring you some kind of comfort then I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, but please don't act on your fantasies as you still have a lot more life to live and one that may be open to all sorts of positive future opportunities and possibilities.

Do you have any family or friends that you can talk to? Or understanding online acquaintances that you can chat with? It's very important to reach out to others when you are feeling this way, even if it only serves as a distraction until the very worst of your feelings have passed. Posting as you have here is an important first step.

Take care

[Counterpoint]

^^Yes, please don’t apologise. This is a place for you to share those feelings, many here can relate with you; myself included.

[Dougella]

Originally Posted by Jimmy77

I can certainly relate roro. I have literally stared in disbelief at how comfortable and confident some people are. It's the comfort that really gets to me, the total lack of awkwardness or fear. What makes it worse is that such people are often incredibly dull. I don't resent it when they are witty, clever, well-read, brilliant conversationalists, and so on. People like that deserve to be confident. It's the ones who have zero personality and nothing to say who pi*s me off. I had this experience a little while ago. I went over a friend's to watch a football match, and his brother in law was there. Just like my friend's wife he has no personality (no opinions on anything, no conversation), yet he hasn't a shred of social anxiety either. He'd never met me before, so you would expect at least a hint of awkwardness - nope, nothing. He shook my hand and looked right through me, with about as much discomfort and awkwardness as a lump of cement.

I would say I think it's difficult to know what kind of personality someone has if you're only just meeting them and not everyone feels the need to be all out there with their thoughts and opinions, or trying to be entertaining or whatever. Some people are just comfortable to be quiet and you only really get to know them over long periods of time, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Also, you may find someone dull but others might get on with them like a house on fire!

[Counterpoint]

I think our sense of other people’s confidence is relative to our own. For some reason mine has dropped badly over the last few years, and now everybody appears super confident. It’s all a matter of projection I think. Young people in particular seem so confident, expressive, open and intelligent to me, and I sometimes experience mild panic attacks because I can’t process what I’m feeling, like I’ve really fallen off the edges of reality, and it’s terrifying.

[Pink*Lady]

I keep having suicidal thoughts recently not enough to act on them but they keep coming up all the same.

I really liked my job when I first started but there has been a change in management earlier this year. This seems to have resulted in issues arising which were not present before such as people being shouted at and general bullying behaviour among staff. I've been on the receiving end of this behaviour myself and it seems to be taking place at all levels across the board. The situation has been going on long enough for me to know that I'm no longer happy working here. I now dread going into work because I don't know what mood some people are going to be in. Honestly I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells. The bullying behaviour is also bringing up bad memories for me from my previous job.