SA and married?

[Dannysbabe]

There seem to be quite a few people on here who are married and I was wondering that as you suffer from SA just how did you manage to meet someone and actually get married?
I would like to settle down and I'll be 40 in December so am getting on a bit but it seems that part of life is a total no-go, as well as not being able to meet men, they've never noticed me anyway other than to make nasty remarks Maybe life will begin at 40...

[The Lone Stranger]

The wedding day must be difficult with SA I could never do that not that its very likely anyway being the centre of attention for a whole day with everyone watching but probably worse for the bride though! It would have to be a register office if i ever got married but can`t ever see that happening. I`m sure you should be able to meet someone as you`ve had a long term relationship before.

[Dannysbabe]

I've never liked being the centre of attention and have always avoided it so if I do get married it would be a register office for me as well. Not very romantic but I couldnt walk down the aisle with lots of people watching my every move, nightmare! the fewest people that have to witness my mumblings the better, would save a lot of money too so could have a really good honeymoon

[Medea]

I'm getting married in October. It'll be a very small do and in a registry office. I hope it's a nice day. I'm trying not to think about it too deeply!

ren

[Dannysbabe]

Originally Posted by AnonymousLaura

I'm getting married in October. It'll be a very small do and in a registry office. I hope it's a nice day. I'm trying not to think about it too deeply!

ren

Congratulations! How did you meet your husband-to-be? Thats what I'm intrigued about, if someone has SA but still manages to get hitched! I thought that would put any potential partner off? (Guess most guys arent like my one and only ex then!)

[Medea]

I met him on here. We met at a meet (it wasn't love at first sight, took us about 5 months to start talking!) and he has SA too (he posts here occasionally as Chimpy). He's the one and only man I've ever been with and I want to spend the rest of my life with him so we're getting hitched and I'm becoming Mrs Chimpy

ren

[lucy]

I don't have as much of a problem with men as I do with woman so I've always been O.k with relationships.
As for the Wedding day I was terrified about that but I avoided the worst of it by getting married abroad. It avoided the big church wedding and having to invite loads of people. Only close family were there.

[W!llow]

Good question Kiefersbabe,

I met my husband at a wedding before my SA was crippling, he was the best man. I thought he was nice but didn't immediately fancy him he was quiet too and when I was younger I tended to be attracted to the extroverts. However, he got hold of my address through a mutual friend and wrote to me and we started to regularly write, in the meantime I became unwell and then in the following years the SA got very bad. The letters were brilliant we'd write pages to each other, occasionally he would come to visit as a friend.

He asked me out one time in a letter but I turned him down because I still had feelings for someone else, but a couple of years later I realised that he was the right person for me and I wrote my feelings down. He was going abroad for a while, but we started to go out before that.

That was terribly hard for me at first, as my anxiety was very bad at that time, I found it really hard to relax. I would always being going in the bathroom not that I needed it but I would need a break as I would get mentally exhausted and in the evenings needed to get out of doors so we would go for walks in the freezing cold to cool me down as I would get hot blotch outs.

My husband also has SA, I didn't realize it for a long time, as he is o.k in most performance situations, but he finds general socializing making chit chat very difficult, and is not to good making phone calls that type of thing.

Before my husband went abroad we got engaged, and whilst he was away carried on our letter writing. A couple of years after he got back we got married, very simply, only our parents there and some witnesses. I really couldn't of coped with anything else even that was hard at the time.

[Innervision]

Originally Posted by Kiefersbabe

There seem to be quite a few people on here who are married and I was wondering that as you suffer from SA just how did you manage to meet someone and actually get married?
I would like to settle down and I'll be 40 in December so am getting on a bit but it seems that part of life is a total no-go, as well as not being able to meet men, they've never noticed me anyway other than to make nasty remarks Maybe life will begin at 40...

I'm not actually married, but could well have been as my previous girlfriend proposed to me.

I've had a number of long term relationships from around 2 - 7 years long. I've not found it so difficult to meet females if I'm honest. The major sticking point has been in meeting the right females.

Where did I meet them? Initially it was school. I met my first 2 partners at, or just after leaving, school. One of those lasted 6 years.

In later life I met females by loading up with drink and meeting them in clubs. I'd go with a friend or my brother. Couldn't have done it sober, mind.

I met women through friends of friends, friends of my brothers, the workplace, and then in higher education. I met my current partner of 3+ years in college. Neither of us are bothered with marriage as such, but we have no plans to ever split up.

I think the key is putting ourselves in situations where we will come into contact with others. Not easy with SA, of course, but still essential. I was dreadfully anxious and fearful, but one way or another managed to still get out and mix a bit. Drink was usually my crutch in social situations, and although I'd never advocate it as any kind of positive avenue to take, it did ease things enough for me to come out of my shell and come into contact with others.

Meeting people when you have SA can be difficult, but in my experience it can be done. On most other levels in life I was virtually completely non-functioning, so if I could still do it there is nothing to suggest others can't. I'm nothing special or anything. It just takes that leap of faith of knowing you are really anxious and phobic, but doing it anyway. If you place yourself around like-minded people by aimimg to mix with those who share a mutual interest, you will be around people you are more likely to get on with right from the start. I found this on my health and social care college courses.

In my experience, if we get out there often enough, there will always be people we notice, and people who notice us. After that, I suppose we have to make things happen ourselves.

[Ross PK]

Originally Posted by Kiefersbabe

There seem to be quite a few people on here who are married and I was wondering that as you suffer from SA just how did you manage to meet someone and actually get married?
I would like to settle down and I'll be 40 in December so am getting on a bit but it seems that part of life is a total no-go, as well as not being able to meet men, they've never noticed me anyway other than to make nasty remarks Maybe life will begin at 40...

I'm really sorry you are in this situation, I know how you feel, I've never got any positive feedback from women offline, it's always been negative or nasty, like 'he's ugly' or 'no way would I go out with him'

I actually made a topic similar to this a while ago, I asked the guys (since it's a lot harder for guys than women) with SA how on earth they managed to get a girlfriend or cop off.

The general response was something like they were out and they got drunk and it just happened... or something.

[Ross PK]

Originally Posted by crazyfairyx

Sorry but I think writing that to a woman who is having difficulty having relationships is very inconsiderate and thoughtless. Maybe start thinking about how other people feel instead of focusing completely on your own feelings.

There's that attitude again...

I don't think there was anything wrong with what I said. A guy with SA WILL find it harder to get someone than a woman with SA.

What on earth has that got to do with focusing on my own feelings? I wasn't focusing on my feelings, I was showing the original poster sympathy which you have either completely missed out on, or just purposley ignored because you like to always find faults in other people to make yourself feel better (which is actually just YOU focusing on your own feelings)

Sorry, but I'm starting to not like you at all, this is about the 4th time you've had a snide dig at me, and it's getting old.

[Ross PK]

Originally Posted by crazyfairyx

That's cool by me, I'm not here to be liked by absolutely everyone cos it's not humanly possible.

If you want to think it's easier for guys, then feel free, but I think saying it to a woman who is having relationship problems is uncalled for because how is it gonna make her feel?

My feelings don't come into it, I just think you should be a bit more understanding of others. But like I say, whether or not you like me really doesn't come into it at all.

I don't think it would make her feel bad, if it has then I apologise Kiefersbabe.

And I've never assumed that it bothers you that I'm beginning to not like you, but maybe it is since you've suddenly got defensive about it.

[Ross PK]

Well, you had to keep making a point that you don't care.

[Ross PK]

I'm not concerned, just pointing out the inconsistency in your post.

[Ross PK]

Yeah, congrats AnonymousLaura.

[emgee]

I am actually married, but now seperated. I was in hospital some 16 years ago, in a Psychiatric ward, 25 years old, a virgin and like many here, had extreme difficulty with the opposite sex. But, this girl pursued me though I was trying my best to avoid her. She was persistent though and I fell for her. We married and had a daughter and for a while it was great. It was very difficult though, we are very different, she has mental health problems too, psychosis as opposed to my neurosis.
We seperated a few years back and, because of her psychosis, I am bringing up our daughter.
If that hadn't happened, I would likely still be an unmarried virgin. But now, I am back to where I was, still unable to initiate relationships, to chat up girls, lonely again.

[Medea]

Women certainly have it equally as hard as men in the SA stakes. I don't think women tend to advertise their virginity as much as men because it reflects more on them. If a woman is a virgin she'll quite often tell you how ugly she is and demolishes herself, viewing it as a comment on how unattractive she is (this is not always the case, but I've noticed it before).

I remember when I was a virgin and used to read threads that told me how easy it was for me. It used to make me feel so worthless and even worse. Not only was I SA but I was a freak too. It seemed ok for the men to be virgins, they have a harder time of it, but being a woman and a virgin was weird, it must mean I'm a really ugly woman.

To all the female virgins out there, don't listen to the people telling you how easy it is for you, I know how hard it is as do countless other people here (men and women).

[custardcreams]

i wonder what is accomplished by sa men telling sa women they have it easier on this, even if it were true. i don't see how expressing this belief to sa women makes the guy's situation any better. all it accomplishes is to make an sa woman in this situation (who is suffering just as much as any man for it) feel really belittled and even worse about herself for not being able to get a shag, given that it's supposed to be so much easier for her. so i wonder why people feel the need to go on about it or bring it up unnecessarily given that the only outcome can be to potentially hurt someone and it does nothing to make anything better for the person concerned. unless it's all for the sake of a good whinge.

[Chach]

We're all different and I've never had a problem with being the centre of attention. When I met my husband, the fact that he was shy made me much more confident. I was the one who asked him out.

[Ross PK]

Originally Posted by AnonymousLaura

Women certainly have it equally as hard as men in the SA stakes. I don't think women tend to advertise their virginity as much as men because it reflects more on them. If a woman is a virgin she'll quite often tell you how ugly she is and demolishes herself, viewing it as a comment on how unattractive she is (this is not always the case, but I've noticed it before).

I remember when I was a virgin and used to read threads that told me how easy it was for me. It used to make me feel so worthless and even worse. Not only was I SA but I was a freak too. It seemed ok for the men to be virgins, they have a harder time of it, but being a woman and a virgin was weird, it must mean I'm a really ugly woman.

To all the female virgins out there, don't listen to the people telling you how easy it is for you, I know how hard it is as do countless other people here (men and women).

I know some women have it hard as well, and it certainly doesn't mean they're ugly, back on the Incel board a lot of the women were actually attractive, same for the men too.

It's just that I think men have it harder because it's usually the men who approach women not the other way around, plus a guy being shy and timid is going to go against him and make him unappealing to women, whereas if a woman is shy and timid it wont really go against her as much.

[Ross PK]

Originally Posted by custardcreams

i wonder what is accomplished by sa men telling sa women they have it easier on this, even if it were true. i don't see how expressing this belief to sa women makes the guy's situation any better. all it accomplishes is to make an sa woman in this situation (who is suffering just as much as any man for it) feel really belittled and even worse about herself for not being able to get a shag, given that it's supposed to be so much easier for her. so i wonder why people feel the need to go on about it or bring it up unnecessarily given that the only outcome can be to potentially hurt someone and it does nothing to make anything better for the person concerned. unless it's all for the sake of a good whinge.

Well I didn't mean any offence, I certainly didn't say what I said to make the women on here feel worse. Like I've already said, I am in no way saying that it's easy for SA women to get a guy. It's just that I think guys have it harder, so there's no reason for any women on here to feel belittled or worse.

[Medea]

Originally Posted by Ross PK

I know some women have it hard as well, and it certainly doesn't mean they're ugly, back on the Incel board a lot of the women were actually attractive, same for the men too.

It's just that I think men have it harder because it's usually the men who approach women not the other way around, plus a guy being shy and timid is going to go against him and make him unappealing to women, whereas if a woman is shy and timid it wont really go against her as much.

If a woman doesn't go to places to meet men because of her SA she has it just as hard. Being shy prevents both sexes from getting partners.

[Zayed]

I think match-for-match in the severity of SA, it is easier for an SA woman to find a guy. I, and probably a lot of non-SA women could not approach a guy - it is up to him, usually, to make (if he wants to) the first move.

However, I think severity has little bearing on finding the right guy, I don't actually think I've ever truly been in love - well maybe once - and I ran away from it.

I've been engaged three times, but all the time I was kidding myself as I worked out with my therapist that even though the guys had ticked all the right male attribute boxes, I had chosen them because I knew I would never be in love with them. I was too afraid of true intimacy due to my SA and upbringing.

AL - I'm probably ( not sure) less SA than you in certain departments - but probably will never get married. Congrats by the way!!!

[Orchid]

I'm engaged and have been with my boyfriend for ten years. Aiming to get married in 2008 or 9, keeps getting delayed due to lack of money! We met in a nightclub and exchanged numbers, but I was the first to call him! Just felt I had to take a chance on calling him and if he didn't want to know, then at least I had tried! I sometimes still think back to the first call I made to him and how proud of myself I felt when he agreed to meet up for a date the following week.

I know I will be so nervous about the wedding day and being centre of attention, I have limited the guests to 38 maximum which is family and close friends, but I still think that's too many! Planning a Scottish castle wedding, so I won't feel obliged to invite not so close friends and work colleagues as I don't think they will fancy going 200 miles + for a meal and a party!

[Dannysbabe]

I've been brought up to believe that the man makes the first move and if they don't then how am I to be with someone? I really wish I was a guy, as a woman I'm supposed to wait to be picked out by someone, if I don't get chosen then I'll always be alone. If I was a guy and asked someone out and she said no I would go on and try again, until someone said yes! Wish I had that option

[Zayed]

Originally Posted by Kiefersbabe

I've been brought up to believe that the man makes the first move and if they don't then how am I to be with someone? I really wish I was a guy, as a woman I'm supposed to wait to be picked out by someone, if I don't get chosen then I'll always be alone. If I was a guy and asked someone out and she said no I would go on and try again, until someone said yes! Wish I had that option

Ha! The numbers game. The thing is it is acceptable for women to approach men in this day and age, so why don't you? Believe me it is sometimes hard for non-SA guys to approach a woman that they REALLY like looks and personality-wise - it took my brother a number of weeks to ask my sister-in-law out.

[Dannysbabe]

Numbers game? Well I guess if its acceptable these days then IF I met someone I liked then I may have to force myself to make the first move, otherwise going by my past 'history' nothing would ever happen!

[Zayed]

Good for you! The numbers game is when blokes go out of an evening looking purely and simply for la sex. They will approach all and sundry until some poor, clueless bird is flattered and accepts/swallows the BS lines and the law of averages is proved once more.

[Ross PK]

Originally Posted by AnonymousLaura

If a woman doesn't go to places to meet men because of her SA she has it just as hard. Being shy prevents both sexes from getting partners.

If they never go out, then fine, it'll be just as hard. But I was thinking of people who at least have a bit of a social life.

[Ross PK]

Originally Posted by Kiefersbabe

I've been brought up to believe that the man makes the first move and if they don't then how am I to be with someone? I really wish I was a guy, as a woman I'm supposed to wait to be picked out by someone, if I don't get chosen then I'll always be alone. If I was a guy and asked someone out and she said no I would go on and try again, until someone said yes! Wish I had that option

Hey, you can still make the first move you know.