Socialising-why ?

[firemonkey]

Does anyone not have much drive and interest in socialising ie you make little effort to do so? The truth is most of the time you are content with your own company.
You’ll socialise if you have but you won’t go out of your way to get in that situation in the first place.

Do you see it as part of your character or something that varies dependant on how symptomatic you are?

I have mentioned about socialising to the social worker but it’s less through being ultra keen to socialise more than because I know this is the kind of thing they want their clients to do . Truth is I am not sure I could commit myself to socialising on a Monday and Thursday week in week out, for example, when the desire/need to socialise would be much less frequent.

Then there is interacting when you get there. Not knowing how and when to introduce yourself to someone and engage in conversation. Being like someone stuck in the corner of a room at a party.

[michelle06]

I'm an introvert, so it's definitely hard to find the motivation to socialise. SA and an introverted nature aren't the greatest combination for an active social life!

For the most part, I don't really see the point. Some people meet up for a drink and a catch up regularly, but I'd rather be doing something. I'm not the most interesting person, so at least if we're doing something at the same time, we have something to talk about.

The trouble is, you kind of need to maintain regular contact somehow, as it's a bit much to not talk for a year, then get back in contact because, for once, you actually feel like doing something!

[jd90]

Yeah I like being around people if I know them well enough and like them. Too scared to contact old mates and what have you, been too long but I miss that. First year at Uni, was best mates with a guy and we did something literally every day together. Had other friends too but yeah I super duper miss that. Just someone to laugh loads with but who has lots of energy and a competitive edge (we'd play sports loads) and if you get each others humour that's the best. Genuinely felt with him and a couple others I didn't care what people thought and I've not thought that way for... well since then actually.

So nope, I hate being alone, I can deal with it, but constantly escaping into my imagination or absorbing myself in something can't take up all my time. Still get those pangs of loneliness. People always loved being around me as well. Always had friends and was forever being invited places and now I just think of all the things I didn't turn up for due to mild sa at the time and regret it loads. I'd love to have certain people back in my life.

[gregarious_introvert]

^^There are lots of people who don't contact friends regularly, but then think, "Hey it's a year since I've spent time with...". I think I read somewhere that men need regular contact to maintain friendships but women can be more sporadic in that respect (I'm not being sexist, but it does seem to be supported by the evidence I see around me).

I'm an introvert, but the older I get, the more I see the need for social interaction - perhaps it's the fear of dying alone and not being discovered until the flies swarm? I still value my me-time but since I've started socialising, I've discovered that I no longer get drained by interaction (I used to need a week to recover from one night in company), that I can interact with people without undue anxiety (it's just possible that I'm learning some social skills) and that I'm desiring more frequent social contact.

I agree with Michelle, I would rather be doing something with people than simply catching up - although when I do meet people for a catch up, I have the things I've done with other people to talk about. Of course, I am very lucky in that I have the luxury of being able to dictate how I socialise, by determining what my meetup groups do.

[Rianne]

Like Candlelight, I feel I***8217;m a social person, but putting it into practice is a nightmare! I never seem to know what to say in social situations and frequently, it seems to me, when I do bravely contribute to conversation people tend to look at me as if I***8217;m speaking another language and it always kills the conversation dead! I don***8217;t like the way I look, I***8217;m frequently anxious which makes my face bright red. I***8217;m round shouldered which makes me feel awkward and I hate the sound of my own voice. I ALWAYS feel as if people would rather that I wasn***8217;t there in the first place and I***8217;m convinced that a lot of people purposefully ignore me because they find me irritating. SO, when people suggest any sort of social activity the person that I would like to be jumps at it, but the person that I am tells me I***8217;m better off staying away!!!

[Rianne]

^ The fear of being judged. That***8217;s a big one for me. I agree, knowing what***8217;s real and what***8217;s not is incredibly difficult. I too struggle to walk past people. Where should I look? If I look at them and smile will they think I***8217;m weird? If I look away does that look hostile ?!! I have no problem in busy places where there***8217;s lots of people and everybody is walking past everybody else, but one other person walking down a road and I feel stupidly awkward!!!
I also absolutely HATE crossing the road at Zebra crossings. The cars have HAD to stop for me. Do I wave to say Thankyou or not bother? I generally run like an idiot giving a quick mouthed ***8220; Thank you***8221; to both sides!!!! I so wish that I could just get on with life like everyone else seems to, without stressing over these little conundrums that no one else thinks twice about!!!

[Rianne]

^ I did! Someone told me that on any crossing anywhere cars are not obliged to stop unless you have one foot on the crossing! That***8217;s a gem of information that I am not willing to put to the test!!!

[jd90]

Originally Posted by Change87

This was me, back when I was at school and uni, lots of great mates and I did lots with them. Sure, turned down a lot too due to mild SA (I'd describe it exactly the same as you). I think my life could be the same now, but the life style and lack of opportunities since finishing uni means it's come to this. My fault entirely. Really do miss it. A few stupid life decisions can change everything. Not too late, but it's so much harder now.

It's really hard. Making friends back then was easy, there was a structure and lifestyle everyone adhered to in close proximity. Now... I probably need to join a club or something but most people have their circle of friends and then stick to it. So really not sure what I can do, or I guess you either. Have you ever joined a club/event or found friends online or something?

[jd90]

Originally Posted by Change87

I think the easiest and probably the best thing to do now would be to join a club. Something that i'm interested in and happy and confident doing anyway and then meeting people along the way is more natural.

I can't expect miracles but just having a group of like minded people to do stuff with would be good for my mental health now. And who knows, could find a good friend again.

Have you thought about joining a club, what would you join?

Well I really love football but I know people from school where I live so that kinda rules that out. Been too long since I last played tennis. I want to take up metal detecting tho (I can thank the sublime Detectorists for that!) but the nearest club to me is a bit far away. Plus could be a bit expensive. Could perhaps join a reading club or something. What are you thinking of doing? Do you live in a city, or somewhere near one so you can go to lots of things?

I'm a bit rural which limits me. Ugh I don't know. I hope you have some more concrete ideas! How would you cope, sa wise, going to something with a few people for the first time?

[alpha]

Personally I've found that the more you isolate yourself, the less desire you end up having to be sociable, it's a vicious circle, or a spiral even. I've felt a lot of desire to be sociable at times and hardly any desire at other times (whilst still feeling lonely deep down). I've found that when I've got like this I've had to force myself out of it. Of course if you truly are happy not socialising much then it isn't a problem.

I also relate to what Candlelight said, I'm not a shy person either (or s*** person as my autocorrect on this phone just wanted to write lol) but I can still feel very awkward and anxious in social situations. And also what Rianne said, I feel a lot less anxious if I feel like I can blend into a crowd. Having said that, I feel less anxious in a smaller group than a larger one, or one that's not big enough to be a crowd anyway!

[Blackflies]

I'm a natural introverted loner, hermit type. It's my safety blanket and makes me feel secure and I seek isolation whenever there is a crisis or I'm worried. But my aura/external personality seems to be quite sociable (when I am forced to socialise) yet I hate socialising so I find it hard because I could literally have a phone full of contacts I never see but talk to frequently and be happy. I've always believed if I was living alone, without the influence of a parent, I'd live out my days alone and content. But as it stands I feel pressure to socialise. I can enjoy it in short bursts but then I feel overwhelmed by contacts who want to meet again and again and I find it draining. It's a shame because I ignore lots of people that I would talk to everyday if it wasn't for their need to meet. I think I tend to attract needy types as well who seek emotional security from me which doesn't help because I feel a weight rather than meeting with no pressure as to social rules or standards.

[Indigo_]

Originally Posted by biscuits

I don't really know what to talk about with people. I don't think that I'm very likeable and I struggle with all sorts of things. It's always has the same ending.

I can vouch for your likeableness biscuits

[genovese]

Originally Posted by _Tink_

I can vouch for your likeableness biscuits

+ savvy celluloid sapience

[Undecided]

Originally Posted by Change87

I think the easiest and probably the best thing to do now would be to join a club. Something that i'm interested in and happy and confident doing anyway and then meeting people along the way is more natural.

I can't expect miracles but just having a group of like minded people to do stuff with would be good for my mental health now. And who knows, could find a good friend again.

Have you thought about joining a club, what would you join?

I think that's a good route to go. I think I've always gone about things the wrong way- I've focused on trying to make friends and then doing social stuff with them, rather than doing an activity and meeting new people and (hopefully) making friends that way. Then when I've had friends, it's always been a 1-1 scenario so that limits what you can do, as there's certain things you can only really do as a group or are much more fun as part of a group.

I used to go to a badminton group when I was a teenager, so that's something I could give another go. Like you say it's good to have something reliable and consistent. Not only that, I think it would make me feel less insecure when meeting new people outside of that group if I had a particular hobby I practised regularly that I could talk about.

[Seagull]

As I posted on a similar themed thread, we can beat ourselves up about a lack of drive to socialise, but it isn't something exclusive to SAers. I know several confident people, happy in their own skin, who have little interest in socialising and find it a complete bore, one of whom said to me the other day that she'd never do a thing socially, or with other people, if it wasn't for her partner being quite sociable and dragging her out. You can be a 'lone ranger' without SA.

[jd90]

Originally Posted by Change87

jd90, in a former life I was an up and coming tennis player. My dream was to become pro. Well it still is, that will never go ahead. Have played much for a few years though but that's one club I'd join. SA wise it's not so bad to meet up one-one to play tennis. I'm more comfortable with one-one over groups.

So that's the most likely. I'm near Birmingham, where about do you live?

Agree with that Alpha, it's probably really important to have a routine and for social things to be very reliable and consistent. Otherwise it's easy loose the desire and it's hard to get back on track. Then we become isolated.

haha so was I. Though stopped due to sa and home stuff. But yeah god from about 11-16 I was playing tennis all the damn time. It actually put me off. Plus I went to this posh club, my mum would drop e off in a battered astra and there were all these bmw's etc! She put all sorts of crap in my head and yeah eventually hated it, whereas I've always loved football. I'm in devon. Do you have a club near you you could join? How about putting it out online?

[Finlay]

Originally Posted by Blackflies

I'm a natural introverted loner, hermit type. It's my safety blanket and makes me feel secure and I seek isolation whenever there is a crisis or I'm worried. But my aura/external personality seems to be quite sociable (when I am forced to socialise) yet I hate socialising so I find it hard because I could literally have a phone full of contacts I never see but talk to frequently and be happy. I've always believed if I was living alone, without the influence of a parent, I'd live out my days alone and content. But as it stands I feel pressure to socialise. I can enjoy it in short bursts but then I feel overwhelmed by contacts who want to meet again and again and I find it draining. It's a shame because I ignore lots of people that I would talk to everyday if it wasn't for their need to meet. I think I tend to attract needy types as well who seek emotional security from me which doesn't help because I feel a weight rather than meeting with no pressure as to social rules or standards.

I hope you don't mind me quoting your post (if not, just let me know and I'll delete the quote part ) but this pretty much exactly describes me, so I can understand where you're coming from. Under the right conditions, and with the right people, I can somewhat enjoy socialising, but it has to be very specific, otherwise I just view it as work and something to get through to the other side of. For a while I thought maybe I was internally more sociable, but it was just fear that held me back. Whilst I think fear does have a part to play, I do also think that I'm just happy with my own company, to be honest.

Plus, I also attract people who see me as an ear or shoulder to cry on, which can be pretty draining. I do try to help and listen, but it often makes me keep people at a distance if I can, because I feel like the more people I let in, the more I have to deal with other people's problems.

[Vienna]

I don't have much drive or enthusiasm for socializing now. I'm ok with that. Not really interested in what other people do really. Sometimes when people are talking to me my mind gets bored and it wonders off but I still smile ,nod whatever to make them think I'm interested , I don't want to appear rude.
Much prefer to be indoors in quiet surroundings than in a busy bar/ pub.

[Vienna]

Originally Posted by Rianne

^
I also absolutely HATE crossing the road at Zebra crossings. The cars have HAD to stop for me. Do I wave to say Thankyou or not bother? I generally run like an idiot giving a quick mouthed “ Thank you” to both sides!!!! I so wish that I could just get on with life like everyone else seems to, without stressing over these little conundrums that no one else thinks twice about!!!

I hate walking over zebra crossings too.
So uncomfortable that I've stopped traffic.
There's one right by our house and I walk my dog down the street and she always wants to cross it! She never goes past it ,weird. I think she's trying to get me back for hiding her squeaky toy

[Chess&Junkfood]

Originally Posted by Rianne

I also absolutely HATE crossing the road at Zebra crossings. The cars have HAD to stop for me. Do I wave to say Thankyou or not bother? I generally run like an idiot giving a quick mouthed ***8220; Thank you***8221; to both sides!!!! I so wish that I could just get on with life like everyone else seems to, without stressing over these little conundrums that no one else thinks twice about!!!

I can certainly relate to that Rianne but what I found helpful is to change your perception of the zebra crossing. So for example, imagine you are attending an award ceremony for the world's best actor and that zebra crossing is your red carpet. Also the cars that have stopped are your fans, who are cheering you on as you stroll past them. Which is why I am impressed that you are already acknowledging your fans by saying thank you to them. You may also find that these fans will start beeping their horns in appreciation, especially if you walk really slowly past them. When that happens, be sure to give them a wave, as they will want to wave right back at you. Well when I say wave, they usually give you a Winston Churchill hand gesture wave, but a wave nonetheless.

As for thread topic of socialising and why, I find it can be detrimental for me to stay at home too much sometimes. I also think it***8217;s about getting a balance and finding what level of socialising is best for you. Just like that three bears story, where one porridge is too hot, the other is too cold, but the middle porridge is just right. Although Goldi could have easily waited for the hot porridge to cool down, but what do I know. Then again she was trespassing in a bears house, and when that happens, I guess logic just goes out of the window. What was my point again? Anyway, I'm sure there's a point in there somewhere.

[Oddity]

As a driver now, I'm just glad I haven't missed you and run you over, no thanking necessary

[Chess&Junkfood]

I appreciate that and I hope to see you at my next zebra crossing performance. Although no zebra crossing tour dates have been set yet, I will however try my best to schedule a zebra crossing in the near future.

[Indigo_]

^ I do so out of politeness. Many a time I've stood at zebra crossings and watched cars go straight past me. Thanking the ones that do doesn't increase the numbers that don't.

[Schmosby]

Originally Posted by vaxjo

I hate this this new fad for thanking cars that stop at the zebra crossing. They have to by law. It encorages the attitude that they are doing you a favour by stoping. Never used to come across any drivers that didnt stop now its about half.

Yes, thanking motorists for not running us over at a designated pedestrian crossing very much sends the the wrong message.

As far as motorists not stopping, sometimes it's safer for them to drive accross rather than break suddenly, as long as it doesn't hinder my crossing, I'm fine with it.

[neilm]

Originally Posted by vaxjo

I hate this this new fad for thanking cars that stop at the zebra crossing. They have to by law. It encorages the attitude that they are doing you a favour by stoping. Never used to come across any drivers that didnt stop now its about half.

Funny, I was talking to someone about this the other day. Pedestrians shouldnt feel obliged to thank drivers for simply obeying the law and not running them over!!!

Where I live cars often dont stop at all for pedestrians at Zebra Crossings. And when they do they usually start moving again when the pedestrian is only half way across!!!

[Quicksand]

Of the opinion still that much as I try...it usually backfires...big style. Apparently I set myself up for it so why bother changing local judgements/views?. Sigh.