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#1
28th July 2009, 04:25
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People laughing at you or with you.
This is one of the thing's that bother's me the most because I've lost the ability to read people when someone is laughing at me or with me.
In the past I used to like to try and make people laugh, but I started to believe that they were actuallly laughing at me in the end. This makes me extremely uptight and defensive and feel like either running off or punching them in the face, because the part of me that believes they are laughing AT me takes over instantly. It's like my mind reacts so quickly to the negative and does'nt have time to think. It's made me completely lose my sense of humour on the outside so I'm not being myself. Myself is shit though is'nt it otherwise I would'nt be so fecked up. Feck, Myself is a lost ball of pussy, negative energy. It makes me question so much like the times when I actually thought people were laughing with me. What if they were'nt and they were alway's laughing at me? It's been so long since I've been around people I just don't know WTF to think. I know that some people used to call me a nob when I tried to have a laugh and display my own sense of humour, but maybe I've taken their opinion to a whole new level and just focused on those to$$ers opinion too much? I hate even thinking that someone could think I'm a nob so I don't know how to be anything other than a miserable bastard on the outside. I feel like I could never even try to show any humour or let myself go at all anymore, or expose any weakness in myself at all. I'm too fecking sensitive and been isolated for way too long. Plus I've only ever been around a limited amount of people. I've never been around different types of people with other ideas, cultures and ways of life. I just feel so fecking negative and I must be going off topic right now but I'm just banging out thoughts onto my keyboard as soon as they come into my head.  I fee like I actually have no personality tbh and would constanlty have to act which is something I just cannot do. I dont knwo how to be around people without feeling like I'm constantly on edge and on the brink of a flight or fight response, where I could easily just burts into a quivering wreck begging for my life or just explode with a tirade of verbal abuse or a load of strikes to the face. Feck knows if this makes any sense. I'm so fecked up. Just a total and utter mess who feels like a ghost stuck in limbo, who will never be able to reach out and touch people. |
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#2
28th July 2009, 04:31
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Re: People laughing at you or with you.
I get the same thing also mostly when walking paste groups of people i hear them laff and end up getting tense and feeling like am walking wrong and looking like a fool.
Being a big guy i always run the risk of knocking them out i did this once in the past when i lost my temper and hit to girls aged about 15 knocked one clear out and the other ran but i managed to get a kick in before she gone. They told police they were just talking and joking about school i felt like a right idiot what could i say SA caused me to do it?? I'm 34 that made it look well bad for me. |
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#3
28th July 2009, 04:45
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Re: People laughing at you or with you.
Quote:
You coud have easily knocked her out and killed her. That's what scares me too. I'm bascially a bag of nerves and know how easy it could be for me to just flip out when the adrenaline kicks in, and get myself in a situation that leads to someone being seriously hurt. Im afraid of looking like a quivering pussy but I'm also afraid of blowing my top and messing someone up. It only takes one blow to feck someone up. I'm not hard at all but I know I can do damage. I feel like I'm under so much pressure not to **** up anything what so ever. That I have to monitor every single thing I do and get it right, that it's just not worth going anywhere. I react to people too quickly and don't know if I'm reacting right to the situation I'm caught between fear of being made to look a fool and reacting like a pussy, and fear of what will happen to me or someone else if I react in a negative way. There's just no escape from feeling like this unless I have feck all to do with people. |
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#4
28th July 2009, 04:52
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Re: People laughing at you or with you.
Yeah mate i defo understand where you are coming from here but i would say its alot better to think they think your a pussy than to do something you will regret i know i did.
Sometimes i know in my head there likely not joking about me and can be alittle at ease but sometimes i really do think and kinda know when some are and that kills me as it makes me worst next time when they might not be Anyway good luck bro 
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#5
28th July 2009, 05:02
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Re: People laughing at you or with you.
It's hard when you feel like so many people are trying to get at you though is'nt it?
 The last time I actually hit someone I got a brick though the window almost got stabbed so I know how easily the shit can hit the fan. The only way to avoid it is to keep away as much as possible. |
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#6
28th July 2009, 22:14
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Re: People laughing at you or with you.
i get like that as well, being aggressive helps me keep some pride, i just hate people in order to save face rather than act like a little unconfidence mouse because if you are like that people will tramp all over you, if people see you thinking that you've done something wrong they will think they have the right to point it out to you.
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#7
28th July 2009, 22:45
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Re: People laughing at you or with you.
Quote:
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#8
29th July 2009, 22:31
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Re: People laughing at you or with you.
whenever i hear a laugh no matter how far in the distance it is i ALWAYS assume its at me
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