Body Dysmorphic Disorder

[newbs16]

^ You are lovely biscuits.

[Merritt]

People are strange and say strange things. A while back a group of young girls walked past me and told me I looked like the singer Drake. I am the pastiest white man in the world.

So, yeah, there are people out there that couldn't even get the colour of your skin right, let alone rate your attractiveness.

[Merritt]

It's ok if you're rather not answer, VL, but how do you cope with having a pic of yourself by your posts, while you're struggling with BDD issues? Not judging you at all, I just wonder how you manage to keep it up in spite of how you must feel about yourself? It's been years since I last put a picture of myself online and I still feel crawly about it

[Merritt]

Thanks, VL I guess it can be good exposure therapy in a way. A big part of why I wouldn't use a real picture of myself is that I fear I'd be judged for how I look, but if you just do it and nothing negative happens it must count against that voice in your head that tells you the sky's going to fall if anyone catches sight of you. Like with being a mum, you can't afford to hide under a rock where these kind of thoughts thrive the most. I'm sure how I feel about my appearance is made ten times worse by how much I hide myself away.

I think I know what you mean about your sense of self too, I feel much the same.

[newbs16]

^ It wasn't aggressive.

[Merritt]

I'd never judge how other people look the way I judge myself. That's not just because I think I shouldn't, I'm just incapable of it. If I saw someone who looked different from the norm in some way, I wouldn't be blind to it, but I'd just take it as a neutral part of their appearance. Even if someone has a deformity, my brain processes it as 'That's just how they look. So what?' (I don't mean this to sound like I treat everyone's appearances as equal, obviously there are things I'd find personally attractive and unattractive, it's just that I don't judge a person's worth by how they look)

The way I view myself though is that I'm not just low on the attractiveness scale, I'm not just a 2/10 or whatever, I feel like my body is just wrong. If I look at myself in the mirror, I see something like the Roswell autopsy alien; sort of vaguely human looking, but wrong in all the details. And it feels so true to me that I expect other people to see it too, and it causes massive amounts of paranoia and shame.

I don't really care about ever being good looking or attractive, I'd be satisfied with just seeing a human in the mirror.

[Merritt]

I saw your post earlier, Cordy, but didn't know how to reply, because I wanted to say that things will work out for you and that the things you want aren't as unreachable as you might think... but I'm all too aware that being told stuff like that can be like having salt rubbed into your wounds, so feel free to disregard.

I suppose a slightly tasteless way of looking at it is that looks don't seem to stop the vast majority of people finding love and affection, so your appearance isn't quite the impossible hurdle it may feel like. I've got a face like a haunted prolapse and I managed to be with someone for a while (it's a mystery, but it happened)

As Clementine said, you really don't deserve to feel that down on yourself

[Finlay]

EDIT: Ignore, was feeling a bit grumpy and sorry for myself. Sorry!

[Merritt]

^ I get that a lot. Sometimes I'll realise I'm doing something fairly difficult socially and handling myself well, and I'll feel halfway normal, then suddenly realise 'Oh yeah, my teeth and face and things. Oh well.'

[Merritt]

Well, when I say 'doing something fairly difficult socially', I mean going into town and not feeling like a dog turd on legs.

[Merritt]

Ta, Biccies

Latest adventures in self-image: Bizarre, misshapen homunculus prowls the back streets for his next dinner of fish heads and pigeon juice.

[kirbycrackle]

^^

^ you're both lovely looking ladies , hope you feel better about things soon. X

Summer is a nightmare with my bdd. Going out at all is a real ****ing effort. Hurry up winter. Winter is safe.

[limey123]

Pretty sure I have BDD, though I have not been officially diagnosed. I would say it is holding me back even more than SA, which is quite a statement.

In my teens and 20s I was anorexically thin and weedy (despite a normal appetite). I literally had no muscles. I looked much younger than my years and was bullied because of that. Doctors I went to have my testosterone checked with said helpful things like "yes, you have low muscle density" but my levels were apparently within the norm and nothing was done. I was miserable at uni and stayed in my room most of the time, while others were out having a ball.

Now, many years on, I have developed an acceptable, if unimpressive physique. I am no longer ridicuously weedy, though nor am I quite heavy-set like my father. I'm still regarded as looking generally younger than my years, which I suppose I ought to be pleased about. It helps that I still have a full head of hair, but it is starting to go noticeably grey in places. I've had to accept that I will never be very strong or have impressive muscles. Physically I have always been, and continue to be, extremely weak.

The issue fuelling my apparent BDD is no longer my body - that has matured. It's my head, something I can obviously do nothing about. I've been subject to comments about my head since at least age 10. Simply-said, it is abnormally large, and some people also apparently consider it seriously misshapen. My face, apparently, is generally considered perfectly reasonable looking, but it's ruined by my skull. Regarding looks, I've run the gamut of opinons of others from "gorgeous" to "ugly" - it really seems entirely based on personal subjectivity and taste. But I consider myself freakish - indeed on a date I once went on, the "nice" lady was overheard as referring to me as a "freak" within 30 seconds of meeting me. This macroencephaly has seen me been shouted at and threatened by complete strangers in the streets. Some people just get REALLY ANGRY. Barely a day goes by without someone commenting on it. I have yet to challenge one of these commenters, but one day, I think I will say something back. Just to see if they realise how unnacceptable their behaviour is. I remember once I gave some money to a young woman who was collecting for charity and I got a nasty, negative rant back from her, based, purely, it seems on how I looked. That's the kind of thing I'm up against. Even family members and my gf are known to bitch about it, so there's little escape. I can barely go anywhere or be seen by anyone without some abuse. I've only seen around half a dozen people with the same skull proportions in my lifetime, and I must have seen hundreds of thousands of people, so I have to consider my looks as indeed freakish and abnormal. What to do about it is the question - what can I actually do about it in practice? It's hard to change your attitudes when you are abused on an almost daily basis. Don't know how much things like CBT will help. My therapist has said I look "perfectly normal" but I don't believe her and the evidence tends to speak otherwise. I'm convinced I was planted here by aliens I don't look like anyone else in my family.

Have other minor issues, such as bad skin on my nose/cheeks, which means I still get spots and have blackheads, despite being many, many years out of my teens.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this all off my chest. Can anyone else relate?

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Rebka

^ You got ranted at for your looks? If I was getting abused daily for my looks, or anything, I think I'd start punching those people in the face, ha!

Yes, I feel that way too some days

Perhaps not every single day, but most days. Depends on how much contact I have with people...

[Clementine]

I'm supposed to be going down to the surgery today to put my prescription request in but there's no way that's happening, I'm feeling like a freak again with my massive, stupid, gormless face and don't want anyone to see me.
All of these feelings had been put on the back burner while I was struggling so much with the breakdown stuff, I'd kind of hoped that they wouldn't come back but that was definitely wishful thinking.

These thoughts make me feel so guilty and vain and I hate myself and feel pathetic just for having them. I'm sick of getting caught up in this cycle.

[Clementine]

Thanks, Snarf. I know you're right that they're of no use, I'm determined not to let them take over completely and drag me back down, I've had these thoughts for most of my life though and I don't think I'll ever be free of them, I just really want to not care anymore.

[Tim.82]

^ I know what it's like to dislike the way you look and how hard it is to try and cope with these feelings, but Purplesnarf is right and I hope you manage to get those feelings under control soon and start to see yourself the way everyone else does

[Clementine]

Thanks a lot, Tim

[Metal Goat]

@Biscuits I stopped regularly wearing make up a while ago because of the same reason. Now I keep looking at my blotchy mess of a face and wanting to wear it again but dont for three reasons***65306;
1. I cant get out of bed early enough. Alarm goes at 5.30 which is bad enough.
2. My current friends are used to me without make up. Now Im scared of getting 'are you wearing make up?' comments when I wear it again. I have this fear that people will think 'look at her wearing make up. As if that will help' - the term polishing a turd comes to mind. I hate people noticing I look different. I even hate getting my hair cut. Before, I felt fine wearing make up because thats how people knew me. Not anymore.
3. Most days during this time of year is over 30 degrees and I also dont want any 'your face appears to be melting' comments.

[newbs16]

Is there any treatment available for BDD?

[Clementine]

Originally Posted by newbs16

Is there any treatment available for BDD?

The only time I tried talking to my GP about it he laughed at me so I never bothered bringing it up again. I'd imagine CBT would probably be offered.

[Jane Doe]

^ You remind me of Felicity Jones

[Clementine]

Gosh I don't know what to say to that.

[Cheshire Cat]

Originally Posted by biscuits

I'm going for a shower because I really need to cry about how ugly I feel.

This drew my attention because in this sentence you reveal that it is your feelings about yourself that is causing you pain rather than any objective reality! I'm sure you aren't ugly, but we tend to see what we believe in the mirror.

I've never thought I was especially good looking, and I'm having a few complexes about going grey now, as I really wanted to have my confidence issues nipped in the bud before I started getting older and I haven't entirely succeeded! But I just try to remember to not focus on these things, and remember that it's my self-talk, and how I feel inside that is important. Life is too short to spend it beating ourselves up, and if we could get those years back, lying on our death bed, we'd think, 'why did I spend my life attacking myself for things that were beyond my control?', but I do appreciate it's easier said than done.

[Merritt]

Felt particularly misshapen today when I caught sight of my body in the mirror.

[Clementine]

Has anyone ever looked back at old photos and thought 'Actually, I looked fine. Maybe even almost good'?
It's weird, I was looking at a photo of me on here from about 8 and a half years ago. It was almost full length, which is something I'd never usually post. My BDD was really severe back then and I hated everything about the way I looked and rarely went outside. Now though I can look at it and think that I looked nice-ish.
It sort of feels like looking at somebody else though. It definitely doesn't make me feel any better about myself now.

Interestingly, I did feel quite disgusted with myself in other ways when I was looking back. It was my first experience of a forum and I was so simpering and annoying (I'm sure I still am a bit), I even said 'lol' a lot to try and fit in. Ugh. Just ugh.

[Merritt]

^ Yeah, I always seem to think I'm at an all time low, and that what I thought was my worst, 5 or 10 years ago, would be ridiculously ambitious to try to get back to today. Not sure it's the same for me in terms of looks though, I don't think I looked anywhere close to good or okay when I was younger, but I don't remember caring so much back then.

True story: When I first used MSN Messenger when I was 15, I had to ask someone what lol meant. I thought they kept cheering (a head and two arms in the air) every time I tried to be funny, and I felt all paranoid that they were being weirdly sarcastic.

[Jam]

^^ Not your old photo's, but I look at your avatar and think you look dam fine all the time.

[blancmange]

Has anyone been to any support groups for their BDD?

[Olly.]

^