Body Dysmorphic Disorder

[blancmange]

Originally Posted by biscuits

^ Nope. I've been to a support group for self-confidence though. At first I was really sceptical about the idea, but my desperation to be normal trumped those feelings. It was surprisingly useful and not at all what I was expecting it to be.

Ah that sounds interesting, did you get referred to the group or was it something you found yourself?
for you x

I did actually find some BDD support groups http://bddfoundation.org/support-groups/ There are also Skype groups (audio only for us BDD lot) I might try and give that a go.

[newbs16]

^ I think the audio group would be good for you dimples, it could be a way of building up to do a face to face Skype group or one in person.

[Appear]

^ I don't know if it's the sort of thing you'd be interested in, but I've been working through this book for the last couple of months and have found it quite helpful.

Even if you don't use any of the techniques it suggests, I think it's quite useful in helping you understand how anxiety about your appearance is maintained and how your past experiences may have given rise to that anxiety in the first place. I've had lots of moments reading it where I'm like, 'That's me!' Some of the exercises are a bit heavy-handed, but I've just done the ones that make sense to me and seem relevant to the things I struggle with. It's definitely given me a bit more of an idea of how I might go about managing things a little better, and I think I may have even made some progress towards that.

[Rianne]

^ That looks like it might be worth a read. I have always struggled with my image. I'm round shouldered, my face has a reddish tinge which is heaps worse when I'm anxious. I somehow feel as if my head is too big for my body and I don't have hair, I have wire wool!!! I was terribly spotty as a teenager and because of that always felt I looked a mess and that's pretty much how I see myself now to be honest. I'm certainly not comfortable in my own skin and everyone always looks better than I do. I wish I could see myself as others see me so that I could judge how accurate my perception of self is!! In truth, the external image is far less important than the heart inside the person but it is true that when you see yourself negatively then pretty much everyone else does too and if you think you don't come up to scratch others seem to treat you that way. A log on to Amazon could well be in order!!!

[Appear]

^ Nay probs, lady. Yeah, I get that. Stuff like this can seem a bit of slog. The chapters are pretty short though, so it'd be easy to read just every now and then if you wanted. I think I could probably fling you just the bits of it I've highlighted on my Kindle in a Word document if you wanted (but no pressure or owt).

^^ I'm very similar in thinking everyone always looks better than me. One big thing that I've realised I need to work on is feeling as if how I look matters only a little compared to other things about me - though I can appreciate this on some intellectual level, it's really hard for me to really 'feel' it. Hopefully doing so will allow me to get out my own way a little bit.

Hope you find it helpful!

[Omar Little]

^Man, you and biscuits are both ****ing awesome. It's really shitty that you have to suffer with this stuff. It reminds me of a line from Yeats' The Second Coming: 'The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.' And you two are the best imo - having said that, I know neither of you in real life, you might both be right shitbags, but I doubt it.

[Rianne]

^^ purchased from Amazon today. Will let you know how I get on with it :-)

[Appear]

^ Coolstuff! Make sure you do!


^^ Ah, heck, I'm a bit taken aback by that. Thank you. It means a lot coming from your very very (very)* good self.

My mum hasn't called me a shitbag for a least two weeks, so I think I've definitely improved.


*very

[Jam]

I completely agree with Omar- Biscuit and Appear are both right shitbags.

[Appear]

^ Shitnanbag, if you would.

[A Whimsical Stranger]

My face can **** right off today.

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by Appear

^ Coolstuff! Make sure you do!


^^ Ah, heck, I'm a bit taken aback by that. Thank you. It means a lot coming from your very very (very)* good self.

My mum hasn't called me a shitbag for a least two weeks, so I think I've definitely improved.


*very

Cheers, matey (I don't think I've ever said 'matey' before. I don't think it's me). And sorry, I only just remembered I'd posted here. I used to remember everywhere I'd posted, and I'd always check back to see if someone had replied. But those days are far behind me.

[Appear]

^ No sweats at all, brudder (I have used 'brudder' before and sort of want to it to be me). I still just about remember where I post but it seems to take me ages to reply these days. Something about committing thoughts to the interweb is less easy than it used to be - at least when the subject's more of a serious one.

[Rianne]

Appear- the book arrived on Thursday. It's actually quite helpful. It's made me see that my 'safety behaviours' are actually reinforcing my problem. I'm terrible for believing that I look odd and perpetually check my reflection in shop windows, car windows, anytime I walk past a shop selling mirrors!!- it's laughable actually. Anyone seeing me must think I love myself when actually quite the opposite is true! I shall probably employ the same strategy as you in that I will dip into the book extracting the excercises that I feel are relevant to me but it has already helped me to see where I'm going wrong - whether or not I can take it on board and change remains to be seen!

[Rianne]

So tempting to put " the book appeared on Thursday " but that's me just being really really really silly

Also, I do like the word 'actually' don't I. !!!

[Appear]

^ Actually is a good word, though - wherever it appears.

Good to hear you're getting something from it! It sounds as if you're very similar to me. I'm the same with feeling like I look really noticeably odd or unacceptable, and 'checking' lots to gauge my 'unacceptability'. It hadn't really occurred to me before how much checking and other 'safety behaviours' actually reinforce the idea that I look unacceptable in the first place, in the same way that compulsive behaviours in OCD serve to maintain anxiety. So I've been trying to bring my checking tally down (I was averaging 60 times a day, and now I'm doing around half that), and have also been doing some 'experiments' where I stand or sit somewhere prominent in a public place and see if I really do draw notice. Doing so definitely does seem to have left me feeling a bit more comfortable in public. Still a way to go though!

[Rianne]

^ very clever- I like it!!!


You're brave. Standing/sitting on my own somewhere makes me feel very vulnerable to scrutiny and criticism. Like you, I am making an effort to stop the checking. It is hard though! Although checking in actual fact ( there I go again!) only ever re inforces my perception that I look peculiar. I'm constantly checking to try and prove to myself that my thinking is wrong but I only confirm that it is in fact right!!!!! I do seriously need to stop being obsessed with self because there is so much more to a person than how they look it's just that because I feel awkward I do somehow actually ( and again!) look it and it's a self perpetuating problem. I get cross because I'm not a child - far from it - yet feel that's how I behave because I need constant re assurance which I don't believe if anyone does give it to me. !!!

[Xithium]

I received an email from my boyfriend's mum containing some pictures of him and I at a wedding abroad that we all attended last year. It's triggered all the upset I feel at my appearance again, as I don't really identify with the person I see in the photographs at all. Everyone else looks lovely, and just like they did in person (so I can't pretend, as I like to do, that the camera has somehow distorted my face) whilst I look like a freakish, lopsided mess. Despite every picture I've seen of myself over the years pretty much being the same and therefore confirming that it's me, my brain somehow cannot compute it and come to terms with that.

I dislike how vain I feel when talking about my appearance issue, but if I could look at some pictures with me in and not feel like I have to immediately swipe myself from existence I'd be over the moon. I think it's made worse because shortly after arriving back home after last year's trip, my partner told me that it had been a bit uncomfortable at the wedding because it always seems that there's pressure to confess to a partner that they're 'the one' and he didn't know if he could say that to me. Looking over the pictures, it's hard for me not to feel like my looks have a big part to play in that... that if I weren't so hideous, people would find me easier to love. What hits me hard is this idea that l'll ultimately always end up alone because of a) the way I look itself, combined with b) how it makes me feel and therefore act, i.e. awkward, anxious and depressed.

[Rianne]

^ I too dislike how vain I feel when talking about image issues. I'm not sure why your partner said what he did to you but I'm pretty sure that your looks will not be the big problem that you perceive them to be. No one forced him to go out with you!!! You need to focus on yourself as a whole - and this is for me too - because our personalities are far more important than our looks. I can pretty much relate to everything you have said, and I know how bad it feels which is why I don't like others feeling the same way. You and I need to learn to relax, so that we can properly be ourselves. I'm not sure how many good qualities I have, but I do have a sense of humour that people seem to relate to and if I worked on that a bit more instead of obsessing about how I look then I guess the more attractive parts of me would shine through. Attraction isn't all physical. People who are warm and make me feel at ease are far more attractive than those who look good but are cold and distant. And people who are comfortable in themselves come across so well generally. Make sure that your insecurities about self aren't pushing people away. You could be doing that without realising it - it's what I do.

[Xithium]

^I don't know either why he said what he did, and neither does he seemingly. Just brutal honesty, I guess. But it stuck with me even though he has since apologised. I obviously harbour resentment from the comments, because it does crop up from time to time when I'm particularly low. And I always felt that one of the contributing factors towards him not feeling love, or the typical infatuation of a relationship in its early stages, was because I'm not physically beautiful. There was a girl at work, way before he and I got together, who he felt very attracted to (as did virtually all the men we worked with), and confessed love for during a drunken work night out. And it edges into my mind that he couldn't bring himself to say the same to me, despite us actually having developed a relationship and according to him having a lot of happiness and things in common, yet all she had to do was look pretty and she made him go gaga (he no longer drinks because of the effect alcohol has on him, but the point remains).

I don't feel that I could be the bee's knees in someone else's eyes, whilst I look this way. Obviously now my miserableness is off-putting, but back then when the comments were made I'd been feeling comparatively happy and positive. I hadn't seen the photos I now have, so I was probably a bit deluded in not realising what I looked like exactly. I hadn't even yet confessed to my boyfriend these struggles I go through, and he said himself I seemed like quite a positive and upbeat person. So I remember thinking to myself that maybe I could have normal, happy experiences after all... that things seemed to be bumbling along pretty well, which seems idiotic now. I feel like even when I do try to embrace positive thinking, I still can't seem to get very far. I get a certain distance, then fall back down. In the above case, whether it was directly because of my looks or not, I still feel that it all ultimately stems from them and it frustrates me. If not because of looks themselves, then no doubt my years of experiencing depression and constantly feeling highly stressed and embarrassed by my face have turned me into a person lacking a healthy, well-rounded and unique, sparky sort of personality that would attract others (I hadn't realised how badly I'd been affected until the situation above happened... that knocked me back a bit). So I'm a bit of a lose-lose option overall. I'm just a 'blah' sort of girl who doesn't really offer anything you'd particularly miss. No talents or special skills, or heartwarming features like lovely eyes or a nice smile. I do try to be a friendly and caring person, and my sense of humour still battles on despite taking a knock from the mental health issues. But is that really enough to spark chemistry with someone? My fear is not. Especially if a potential partner has had previous experiences of being with someone free from all of this mental/physical baggage. By rights I feel like I should be able to make friends despite my appearance, even though I haven't really, but when it comes to relationships I feel very scared that it just won't be possible for me to find a lasting, truly loving one. Another part of me realises that's overly negative, ridiculous thinking. Not everyone is so shallow, and a love based on appearance will not last in any case. But when I'm feeling weak these kinds of thoughts attack me and I start to think that I'm beyond hope.

Originally Posted by Nervous Wreck

Make sure that your insecurities about self aren't pushing people away. You could be doing that without realising it - it's what I do.

I definitely do this. The cycle usually unfolds in the same way - I'm riding on a high initially, after meeting new people and experiencing them show an interest in me, perhaps because they don't seem to be bothered by my appearance. Then as time goes on, maybe because of being triggered by something (like the scenario I mentioned above), the insecurities creep in and affect my behaviour, which in turn pushes people away. But since by that point I'll already have come to feel that they're repulsed by me anyway, I ended up creating a proper pickle and stuffing things up.

Thanks for your reply. It's good (but not good, if you know what I mean) to realise we're not alone in these types of feelings. Like you, I'm often able to try and think more reasonably about the whole matter. Sometimes though, and today is evidently a case in point, I just lose my resilience and crumble a little.

I think the thing is... I've accomplished goals this year, like set up a new career, learnt to drive and completed a college course, and I no longer let my feelings about my appearance hold me back like they used to (I go into work everyday, try to put on a brave face, and the majority of the time face anxiety-provoking situations rather than avoid them completely like I used to). But underneath I feel just as sad. It's worse now in a way, because I'm older now and clearly have not been able to move on from the same problems that afflicted me 10 years ago. People around me are falling in love, getting married, having babies, moving abroad or going off in whatever way into their new adventures and here I am, still unable to look in a bloody mirror. That's all I really wish for. Just self-acceptance so that I can move on in life... I don't necessarily want those very things, I just want to feel able to have them if I did. There was the momentary blip of happiness and growth in confidence that felt like the beginning of a long-term change, but it turned out just to be a sad, naive illusion.

The problem is I don't know how to combat this mess. With other issues, usually the more work you put in, the more progress you make. But not here. I want to somehow work on my appearance to change it more to my liking. That's what my mind tells me should be logically possible. But of course it's not. I could try getting surgery, sure, but I feel that'd be pointless as it's my overall face rather than one or two specific features. I can't put my finger on the exact reasons why (at least not in a day!), although one of the major things that gets me down is being very unsymmetrical - my eyes seem to be different shapes, my mouth wonky, and my cheeks to have different amounts of fat either side, so I am just all-around ugly in a frustratingly general sense that cannot be fixed and which makes me look weird and dopey. I have terrible skin from years and years of bad acne, which has scarred me all over my face. I do treatments from time to time, which spark a short-lived hopefulness, but inevitably they don't ultimately work.

I can't get past the discomfort of hating what I look like and being embarrassed by how I'm perceived by others. I can't seem to not care, or to focus enough on other things for this not to dominate my self-perception and esteem. And that's always been my major barrier to happiness. It isn't like I haven't experienced traumatic events in life that should have put all this into perspective, either. It's that this mindset never leaves or listens to reason, no matter what. I'd avoid mirrors and pictures for the rest of my life if I could, and that's what I currently try to do. But doing so means I have these ridiculous break downs when I do get confronted with a photograph, and it's just not reasonably sustainable.

Self-pitying is so horrible, but admittedly "why couldn't I just look different to what I do?" is always on my mind. It's such a waste of mental energy to feel this hatred, but I seem unable to overcome it despite logically knowing that thinking this way is serving no useful purpose. It's pointless feeling down about a few pictures, because nothing's really changed; the people in them with me knew all along what I looked like anyway. It was me that was muddled about that. I'm just wasting my life away feeling miserable and being held back. Settling for this existence without really living or enjoying any of it.

I realise these are excruciatingly self-pitying, resentful and wallowing spewings. Just feeling very fed up and upset today and needed to blab it out.

For some reason I'm hesitant to try again at my GP for some help. I stubbornly don't want to somehow be brainwashed into feeling ok, without there being an actual physical change. Though I know a change in mindset is the only outcome I could reasonably hope for, so I somehow I need to muster up the courage to go. It's funny how the very nature of the problem itself makes it so difficult to seek help for... I don't want to draw any more attention to my face by deliberately talking about it. I feel embarrassed to say it's such a problem for me, yet I'm also embarrassed not to say to people that it's a problem in case they're laughing inside at my apparent obliviousness to hideousness. It's a completely ridiculous situation.

[Rianne]

^ congratulations on the achievements you have made in your personal life. And it sounds to me as if you are a rational person who's just having a bad time at the moment. i don't really know what to say as a lot of how you feel resonates with me. We really need to push these ridiculous thoughts ( because that is what they are ) to the back of our minds and get on with life. I don't care what somebody looks like as long as they treat me nicely and I don't view anybody else in the harsh way that I view myself. I imagine that you are the same. This tells me that what is wrong with us is a problem with the way we think and not the way we look.

I'm reading through this book : Overcoming Body Image Problems including Body Dysmorphic Disorder Paperback ***8211; 29 Jan 2009
by Rob Willson (Author), David Veale (Author), & 1 more
Recommended by a poster on this page. Might be worth you getting a copy???

[Xithium]

Originally Posted by Nervous Wreck

^ congratulations on the achievements you have made in your personal life. And it sounds to me as if you are a rational person who's just having a bad time at the moment. i don't really know what to say as a lot of how you feel resonates with me. We really need to push these ridiculous thoughts ( because that is what they are ) to the back of our minds and get on with life. I don't care what somebody looks like as long as they treat me nicely and I don't view anybody else in the harsh way that I view myself. I imagine that you are the same. This tells me that what is wrong with us is a problem with the way we think and not the way we look.

I'm reading through this book : Overcoming Body Image Problems including Body Dysmorphic Disorder Paperback – 29 Jan 2009
by Rob Willson (Author), David Veale (Author), & 1 more
Recommended by a poster on this page. Might be worth you getting a copy???

Sorry for the late reply, but thank you for your response. I think I will look into getting hold of a copy of that book and checking it out. It seems to have gotten quite a few positive reviews, so may well be worth a try

[Clementine]

I feel like I'm so ugly in every conceivable way that I shouldn't even be allowed to exist. Like I'm abhorrent to the very core and I feel so much guilt that I'm somehow fooling anyone who can't see it.

[Rianne]

^ In my opinion, for what it's worth, you are TOO nice in every conceivable way and you feel the way you do because nice people just don't fit into this world. And I wish I was as 'ugly' as you are!!! Ive said this before, but be as kind to yourself as you are to everyone else Clem. The world needs more people like you and anyone who comes into contact with you I would imagine really appreciates everything about you.

[Consolida]

@ Clementine- I echo everything that Nervous Wreck has said.

I think you are GREAT and I can guarantee that everyone else who you have been so kind and supportive to on here will think the same way. But, of course if you don't like anything about yourself you'll going to find it impossible to believe that anyone else can like anything about you also

Everything you write about yourself I frequently say about myself. The only difference is, that you are a beautiful person on the inside and out. Maybe if you'd received more positive feedback from the people that had the biggest influence on you as a child you'd have developed a higher self esteem as an adult. But, it's not too late to change things around. Listen to the people that care about you now, your closest friends that have gotten to know the real you and who think you're fab. Tell that negative voice in your head to push off

Take care x

[Rianne]

^ same here Muggins. I feel ugly, unlovable and as if I'm an irritation to everyone who knows me. I hate myself for being so needy and I'm positive that nobody who knows me understands me. I'm sick of being made to feel as if I'm seeking attention or fishing for compliments any time I attempt to explain how I feel. I think that both you and Clem come across as lovely people and you should both tell the negative voices where to get off. Maybe I should as well, but I wholeheartedly believe the negative things I feel are true and other people seem to re- inforce this in their dismissive attitude towards me. I think people with social anxiety have it because we just care too much. I can see the warmth in both of your characters through your posts on here and I hope that you can both find a way to start believing in yourselves.

[Clementine]

Thank you both

[Jam]

Originally Posted by Clementine

I feel like I'm so ugly in every conceivable way that I shouldn't even be allowed to exist. Like I'm abhorrent to the very core and I feel so much guilt that I'm somehow fooling anyone who can't see it.

F'k it, I'm going to say it. You're way more attractive than the women you post in the lady candy thread.

[Auby]

^ I agree but from what I understand BDD doesn't care about our opinions or whether someone's attractive, it's ruthless like depression or anxiety in the way it can distort reality.

[Rianne]

^^ what you've said makes sense to me to. My mum was an incredibly strong character and a total control freak and if you didn't agree with her she made it pretty clear that you were clearly wrong and needed to take a long hard look at yourself!!! I understand how she was the way she was. She had a very troubled childhood. I have a very negative set of core beliefs. I KNOW that she loved me, but she never let me be myself. She controlled who I was and wasn't friends with. I was never allowed to make a decision for myself and consequently I question everything I do now. I never feel good enough. I never feel right just being me because I believe that there's something wrong with the me that I want to be. She interfered with every aspect of my life - she once insisted a boyfriend should come round for dinner on his birthday even though he didn't want to, because she had cooked for him, even though she hadn't been asked to!!! I felt so small ringing him saying 'you have to come because mums cooked for you!' Pretty much everyone she encountered knew that we all had to ask 'how high?' When she said Jump!!!! Don't get me wrong, I love my mum totally. She died 10 years ago far to young and I miss her every single day but I would be lying if I said I didn't attribute most of my anxiety problems to her. Sounds pathetic, because as an adult I could have stood up to her but I've always been a non confrontational person and I absolutely hate arguments. I've been a doormat to a few people in my life and I'm only now just beginning to learn to assert myself. So yeah, core beliefs. You're entirely right. My core belief is that I'm irritating and insignificant.

Totally agree with what you've said about BDD as well. It's all to do with the persons perception of themselves regardless of the reality.