Thirtysomething teenager

Raindrop · #1 6th January 2008, 08:56

This post is more a rant than anything else.

I have recently been contaced (after several years of silence) by two old mates (one from school and one from uni). And I found out they both have two kids now. Also, a friend of mine just got her first child. So I suddenly seem to me be surrounded by moms and small kids. And how does it make me feel? That I'm once again left so far behind life. Surely I like kids and I want to see them, but at the same time I'm painfully reminded of my inadequacies (no partner let alone the possibility to choose whether to have children or not). I am an outsider who they can invite once a year to admire their children, but not someone who could really participate in their lives, because I have nothing to contribute.

Also, at work I don't really belong to any agegroup. I feel so out of place with all the thirtysomethings, but equally out of place with the teenagers and twentysomethings, who only live for weekends, drinking, partying and looking for partners.

I know the key is not to compare yourself to others, but sometimes it just seems impossible.

Sea · #2 6th January 2008, 20:12

Hello Raindrop.
I am guessing you are not a 30-something from the sound of our email. Well I am. And I tell you, it is even harder if you are 30-something and still haven't met a partner who understands you!! Or who wants you for the person you are. Time is running out for me (said my gran this Christmas!!!). I actually joined Friends Reunited recently (as the result of an ex who told me I was anti-social), and the people who got in touch with me were all married with kids. They all still lived in the same place. And they were all teachers! Weird. But there is no point judging yourself by everyone else. It's pointless, and I don't think it helps. Everyone is different, and having SA is always going to restrict the potential for following everyone else. Even if you wanted to . . .
You are who you are, and things will come to you in good time. Just be patient . . .

SeaW

Raindrop · #3 6th January 2008, 20:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeaW

I am guessing you are not a 30-something from the sound of our email. Well I am. SeaW

hm...actually I am over thirty. But obviously my writing style or content just proves the fact that I'm mentally much younger than my actual age is.

ignisfatuus · #4 7th January 2008, 08:34

I don't think SeaW intended in that way, it looks like he thought you were a teenager who felt in their thirties. There is nothing wrong with your writing style and you conveyed your point very well.

I can perfectly relate with your situation. Unfortunately, I don't have any solutions yet. Comparisons are a killer and I am constantly making them, it's hard not to. The only option seems to be to weather the intense pain we feel and try to build some connections. The good thing is, once those initial contacts are in place, they snowball. It's the initial formation of them that is so difficult for us, who are hypersensitive to people.

Kat · #5 11th January 2008, 15:42

Hi Raindrop,

I know exactly how you feel, as I was in a similar situation with my friends, only I am the opposite side of the coin. I dropped out of uni, got married and had a child at the age of 20, whilst my friends all stayed on, got their own careers, moved to different parts of the country and have only started to settle down in the past few years. So, for quite some time, I felt a bit out of it and like I had suddenly grown three heads!!!

Then, there was the fact that they used to want to keep having little reunions - nights out, weekends away here and there, which I couldn't always manage due to family and money, and over time, I felt myself becoming more distant, whilst they just got even closer.

Raindrop · #6 11th January 2008, 22:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by ignisfatuus

I don't think SeaW intended in that way, it looks like he thought you were a teenager who felt in their thirties.

Yes, I realise now the title is quite ambiguous...

Quote:

Originally Posted by ignisfatuus

The only option seems to be to weather the intense pain we feel and try to build some connections. The good thing is, once those initial contacts are in place, they snowball.

I hope this will be the case

Thanks for your post ignisfatuus.

Kat, I'm sure you must have felt like an outsider with your group of friends. Have things changed to better now that your friends have settled down, as well?

Dannysbabe · #7 12th January 2008, 01:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raindrop

Surely I like kids and I want to see them, but at the same time I'm painfully reminded of my inadequacies (no partner let alone the possibility to choose whether to have children or not).

I know the key is not to compare yourself to others, but sometimes it just seems impossible.

I can relate so well to this, my former best friend from school has been with her husband for 17 years (another former school friend for about 25 years!!) and they both have their own families and I feel so left behind now that its too late to ever catch up. I've just turned 40 and with no partner the prospect of a family is pretty remote at my age. I'm always comparing myself to others but its no good and just depresses me more, I'm just hoping that one day I will meet someone who actually wants to be with me, not just for a few years but for keeps.

Kat · #8 13th January 2008, 18:50

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raindrop

Kat, I'm sure you must have felt like an outsider with your group of friends. Have things changed to better now that your friends have settled down, as well?

Er, no, unfortunately not. I'm ashamed to say that I've cut myself off from all of them now - I guess my SA got the better of me :embarass:

The Lone Stranger · #9 14th January 2008, 02:10

I`m a 38 year old teenager as my life hasn`t changed much since i was one , still single and always will be now.

strat · #10 29th January 2008, 19:25

I'm 50 and I fit into this, I have nothing in common with most people my age.

Fishbait · #11 6th February 2008, 14:31

This is amazing - I've only recently discovered I have SA and have always wondered why I couldn't hold down a relationship (I have just turned 30).

Surfing on the web - there is an american dating site for people with SA, maybe we could set up a personals thread here? Or is there already one?

Holly · #12 7th February 2008, 23:27

I'm 30 and soooo don't feel it! In a good way - in that I don't look it and get on well with the 20 - somethings I work with and don't feel at all older than them. But also in a bad way - in that like others have said - my friends of the same age are mostly settled / in long term realtionships / married / have or are planning to have kids. And I'm permanantly single, never seeming to meet anyone appropriate who I'm attracted to and wonder if I ever will!! I recently had a thing for a 24 year old who was engaged but who flirted outrageously with me and who I snogged on 3 different occasions..mmm, not appropriate at all!!! Knocked this one on the head now, thank God, but the fact remains, I'm a 30year old teenager!

Like I said, some aspects of it I like - I still really enjoy drunken nights out with single mates and I like the fact I can be immature and have a laugh etc. But I feel the clock is ticking and I would like to meet someone and have the option whether to have kids or not.

Genna · #13 10th February 2008, 22:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fishbait

This is amazing - I've only recently discovered I have SA and have always wondered why I couldn't hold down a relationship (I have just turned 30).

Surfing on the web - there is an american dating site for people with SA, maybe we could set up a personals thread here? Or is there already one?

I posted a thread 6 months ago asking if we could have a dating section on SAUK but the moderators wouldn't allow it. However there are shy dating websites in the UK you could always try.

GhostOnMagneticTape · #14 11th February 2008, 10:12

Quote:

Surfing on the web - there is an american dating site for people with SA, maybe we could set up a personals thread here? Or is there already one?

Imagine the ratio of men to women if that were to be! lol

This has been discussed and put forward by people over the years, pretty much since the start of SAUK but most of us agree that people are here for support and information not to get picked up but anyway, many relationships have formed on here without the need of a personals forum.

Raindrop · #15 14th February 2008, 17:25

I had a major "unsure teenager" feeling today at work. I asked my current team leader to show me how to do one particular task (which she had promised to show several weeks ago, but had forgot). And what does she reply? "Oh, great you came up and ask - you are so quiet that it is so easy to forget you!" Nice. She said it smiling friendly, but I was so annoyed inside. This person is about my age, so it all felt just soo partronizing.

ScrappyDoo · #16 15th February 2008, 03:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raindrop

I had a major "unsure teenager" feeling today at work. I asked my current team leader to show me how to do one particular task (which she had promised to show several weeks ago, but had forgot). And what does she reply? "Oh, great you came up and ask - you are so quiet that it is so easy to forget you!" Nice. She said it smiling friendly, but I was so annoyed inside. This person is about my age, so it all felt just soo partronizing.

I've been there a million times, people don't realise how patronizing or disrespectful it can be to say that, especially when they are the same age it can make you feel quite inadequate.

I am 30 but I still get asked for ID and feel people still treat me as a sulky teenager, this probably results in me not acting my age as I should on most occasions.

Eklipse · #17 17th February 2008, 13:16

I'm in my 30's and have a daughter. It doesn't change SA or how I feel in social situations. Having kids doesn't make you change in any way but it alters your daily routine, you get used to it but I'm still the same person. I can remember feeling like you do now before I had a kid. During my twenties, I found out that everyone from my old school were either married with kids or they had very successful lives. Also I still feel as if I'm a teenager.

Dannysbabe · #18 22nd February 2008, 01:54

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZombieChris

I know exactly how people feel. I'm 28 and dreading hitting 30 and still being alone. I've been single for 4 years due to SA and it's not fun, maybe I would have been married with kids by now if it wasn't for that. A matchmaking/singles forum sounds like a nice idea because I know there's quite a few people in the same boat.

I was 40 at Christmas but don't look or feel it, but feel I'm running out of time as I'm still single

A dating forum would be good I think as we know how it feels to have SA and can empathise with others. I've found people without SA can be quite rude and dismissive.

png · #19 22nd February 2008, 13:51

Someone could always start their own dating site using free forum hosting and have a link to it in their sig I s'pose.

Occultus · #20 22nd February 2008, 22:35

Quote:

Originally Posted by moose

The moderators are opposed to this idea even though some have dated other members.

Slight correction, moose: the site owner is opposed to the idea. That any mod has dated another member is irrelevant, BTW.

Medea · #21 23rd February 2008, 07:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by Occultus

That any mod has dated another member is irrelevant, BTW.

To quote monty python: Hear, hear, well spoken, Bruce!