Being quiet seen as a negative trait

[Clockface]

Is there something wrong with being quiet? This is the vibe I get when people talk about those who are considered 'quiet'. Does society want everybody to be a loudmouth with a conveyor belt of opinions and information on every aspect of their lives, or do they want the more sensible option of a society full of mixed personalities? I am a very reserved person as I can't be doing with small talk and prefer to keep myself to myself, only speaking when I need to or having a bit of conversation and banter with people who I feel at ease with. When big, loud confident types try to start a conversation with me by asking me how I am, as awful as this sounds I just can't be bothered as I know they are going to judge me negatively for living a life less exciting and diversified as their's.

Even my own father gives off the impression that he thinks being quiet is weird, so if that kind of opinion is coming from him then I must be an inadequate person. But I am who I am and changing into a different person is not only unnatural but for me it would be like climbing Mount Everest. I don't see why I should have to change my personality because of what others think. Yes I wish I was a socially confident and talkative person but I have turned out the way I am and that is that.

Does anybody else feel that people are judging them negatively for being quiet?

[hollowone]

Is there something wrong with being quiet? This is the vibe I get when people talk about those who are considered 'quiet'. Does society want everybody to be a loudmouth with a conveyor belt of opinions and information on every aspect of their lives, or do they want the more sensible option of a society full of mixed personalities?

In short, it's not being quiet and it's not that you have to be a loudmouth. What was it that happened that made you feel like this? I know that it can feel like 'quiet=bad', that message can be powerful. Some thinghs can hapen that can reinforce that idea. If for example, you can't think of anything to say, you end-up quiet, it's easy to zone out and imagine how horribly people are thinking of you. Ofdten, this is not as bad as you imagine (unless you're dealing with assholes that are not worth knowing; please try to think in these terms-wise words of advice) I don't know what happened that prompted you to start this thread but I'm guessing something along these lines.

I am a very reserved person as I can't be doing with small talk and prefer to keep myself to myself, only speaking when I need to or having a bit of conversation and banter with people who I feel at ease with.

Or should I add, when there's something brought-up that you can comment-on without feeling like a numpty. In honesty, most decent people should understand that if you don't know them, feeling like that is to be expected.

When big, loud confident types try to start a conversation with me by asking me how I am, as awful as this sounds I just can't be bothered as I know they are going to judge me negatively for living a life less exciting and diversified as their's.

No, most peopel are most likely trying to be curious and find things that could be talking points, unless they are genuinely assholes. I know this may sound silly and cliched, but it's most likely a manifestation of the belief 'quiet=boring/awful/dreadful/not worth knowing etc.' that you might interpret their attetmpts at getting to know you as attemtps to put you through some kind of test. Usually this is not the case at all I (with people worth knowing that is). It's probably the idea that 'quiet=bad' that is the problem, and not quietness itself. I don't know what the exact situation was beyond what you described so can't really comment of give advice further.

[umm]

Yes. Fortunately, however, I recognise those opinions for what they are. I know I am a worthwhile person but if someone wishes to take issue with my quietness, and try and make me "look bad" because of it, I'm always happy to dismantle their argument.

[newbs16]

Personally if I had been more out going, I probably wouldn't be the adult I am today, don't get me wrong some things I would like to change but equally I have lots of nice ways and in my opinion that's something I should be proud of

If people do not like you for the way you're then it's their loss and they can be mates with really mouthy people who do my head in!

[goku]

I guess people equate being quiet to being boring, which is a lazy generalisation I think.
Some of the loudest, most talkative and forthcoming people I've met have also been the most boring!
they talk a lot but it's mostly just mindless dross!
and some of the most quietest people I've known were also some of the most interesting.

I struggle with this, around people I don't know well I'm very quiet and reserved but around my brother and close friends (as few as they are!) I can talk and joke for days!

Not really sure how to get around this, so I can't offer any advice. But hopefully you meet some people who have a bit of common sense and don't paint a picture of you based on one aspect, and actually get to know you.

Also, I'd much rather be quiet than have the personality of most of modern society!
passionless, generic and shallow. I'd rather be on my own than be around them to be honest.

Be proud of who you are, I hate my situation and the loneliness I suffer but I'm proud of the person I try to be.
You should be the same and don't let them dictate your personality (not saying you do), this also transmits on to others.

[scratch]

There is a saying 'Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt'. Apparently Lincoln or Twain said it.

I've often wondered as an SA sufferer whether this is a saying I find positive or negative?

I guess in a ideal world you would want to get the balance just right between being loud or quiet. While we don't make fools of ourselves as much as others people will always be wary of us simply because being quiet makes us less approachable more than anything. People think that by talking to us they might be inconveniencing us in some way.

Being quiet may be seen as a negative by some people but it certainly doesn't mean you are any less of a person. It takes a lot longer to get to know a quiet person than a louder person and some people just don't have the patience to find out and form quick judgements.

[GoldFish]

I think it depends on the environment you are spending time in. Such as, at work or education, or hobbies etc..

If you are introverted and you are working around mostly needy extroverts that are more about friendships and personality then they are at doing the job they are hired for, then you will be in an environment that is socially complex for you...

The paradox being that the people who are more about personality are often actually self centred(not always) and lack empathy of the big picture of their surroundings..

I find chatty people can be attention seeking or just ego stroking, such as when co workers get into banter and use the expression " we're here to have a laugh, to have fun"....well yeah ok, it's good to enjoy yourself, but extroverts are often all about personality and I find that they lack work ethic, can be manipulative, narcissistic and are full of their own ego that you need to be careful as to how you are perceiving the loud persons communication technique..

It's not just black and white, loud is positive, and quiet is negative..

Does the chatty person have empathy for others?? Or are they obsessed with being funny or their own ego??

What if the quieter person is helpful and has a lot of empathy but doesn't show off or joke around as much???

Which is better??

Depends on your own point of view!

It's all about perception..and it's all about thinking about the context of what personalities are actually doing and really thinking about people's behaviour...

I personally don't mind introverts or extroverts as long as they aren't rude or too self centred ...

[tryinghard]

Not in my opinion. I like quiet people. I have a strong preference for the reserved and can be easily irritated by the outgoing/too energetic. They're dizzying. It's like taking care of a toddler. I like calm and peace. The strong silent type used to be fashionable

But different people have different opinions and always will. Generally those who I find dizzying and grating find quiet people boring. Just the way it is. I know when I was in Edinburgh, there was a woman I thought was really nice and cool and who had had an interesting life that my companions later described as boring. I was really surprised, as she as obviously the most interesting person there. I thought the people they liked were really boring. Yeah, they were speaking, but they really had nothing to say. It was just noise. Each to their own, innit.

[Sun Wukong]

Originally Posted by Clockface

Is there something wrong with being quiet? This is the vibe I get when people talk about those who are considered 'quiet'.

Nope, nothing at all.

Originally Posted by GoldFish

It's not just black and white, loud is positive, and quiet is negative..

Depends on your own point of view!

It's all about perception..and it's all about thinking about the context of what personalities are actually doing and really thinking about people's behaviour...

Yep, state of mind can play a part too – someone being innocently chatty, animated and trying be include everyone so no-one feels left out could, if on the other end of that behavior in a different mood, perceive that person to be the annoying loud person who keeps bothering them. Also, its subjective too, how loud/quiet is too much for a given situation? Only you (or smarties) have the answer.

Originally Posted by tryinghard

Each to their own, innit.

Yep!

[clyde33]

No there's nothing wrong with being quiet. From my earliest days at school, i can't remember one report card that didn't pick up on my "quietness" and at parent's evenings i was always being advised that i should speak up. This was from primary school until i left secondary school. I think that constant "you should be louder" made me feel like there was something wrong with me when i was growing up. I now know that there's nothing wrong with being quiet, but as a child and a teenager, you kind of believe what people tell you about yourself especially your parents and teachers.

I often wonder if people think i'm boring and have nothing to say just because i'm quiet. I'm not one of those people who has an opinion on every single thing under the sun or just talks a load of crap for the sake of talking and being heard.

[Clockface]

Originally Posted by hollowone

What was it that happened that made you feel like this?

My dad was describing someone he knows who is apparently quieter than me. But the fact that he mentioned me in there suggests that he has a problem with me being quiet, as if it makes me look like a weak or strange person. It triggered thoughts about what other people have said about quiet people. It's as if there is a stigma attached to being quiet, as if that person is weird or boring. What those people don't realise is that the world is made up of people with unique personalities, and therefore you are bound to get quieter people. Quietness can come from being introverted, only wanting to speak when necessary, generally being reserved or having social anxiety. Even if I was a loud extrovert, I would have utmost respect for quiet people as I always look beyond that exterior, and most of the quiet people I have known have been some of the nicest, funniest, most down to earth people I have ever met.

[Clockface]

I think part of my reason for being quiet is poor general knowledge. That is mostly down to my SA and low self-esteem making me unable to absorb knowledge and then recall anything. I watch the news, read newspapers, watch documentaries, read books and listen to what others are saying, but my introverted nature and low opinion of myself make me zone out and so I don't always take in what others are saying, what I'm reading or what's going on around me. Then when I focus really hard on trying to take something in I still can't do it and just continue to feel thick. So my lack of general knowledge means I can't contribute anything to a conversation, but the SA also causes that as well.

[clyde33]

Clockface, your paragraph above was really interesting to me as i feel exactly the same. My general knowledge is poor, and there's only really one subject that i can talk confidently about (and that's work-related) but anything else, i struggle with. I don't take in what others are saying most of the time. My husband constantly accuses me of not listening to him, and that's true as i hear his words but i don't take them in. I'm exactly the same in a big group, i just don't take things in and i'm not sure why. I know absolutely nothing about politics at all, and that's a common topic among people. I've got a degree so i don't think i'm a stupid person, but i just can't contribute to conversation and if i do, i just end up saying something silly. When i watch a film, no matter how good it is, my mind wanders off then i can't pick it back up as i've missed bits of it. I find following films difficult and most of the time don't understand what's going on. I can read a book but it's not actually "going in" what i'm reading and i find myself turning pages then realising i have no clue as to what i've read. I get brain fog a lot. I have a dreadful memory; really bad. I feel there's some kind of invisible wall between me and the outside world. Conversation just looses me completely and if there's lots of people talking, i just can't keep up or follow so i say nothing.

[indiegirl1980]

I've never worked out why it's considered odd to be quiet, and I've never worked out why it's odd to be quiet with people whom you've only just met. It makes sense to me to be wary of people until you've sussed them out a bit.

[CentrePhobe]

Western society generally has become dominated by extroverts, at least they are the most visisble group. It's important to remind ourselves that the greatest achievements have often been made by introverted individuals and not by committee!
Susan Cain talks eloquently about this in her famous TEDTalk and in her book, "The Power of Introverts..". When I am feeling fed up with our extrovertcentric society I often return to Cain as a reminder that a society without introverts would be dull and inherently unstable. It is important to remember our contribution.
Here's the link to Cain's TedTalk:

https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain...ts?language=en

Hope it helps.

[umm]

I often tell myself that all the best people, the brightest sparks are introverts. Extroverts are fine, and I bear them no ill will, but they are not the only game in town, the "one answer" to the question of "what sort of person should I be?"

[Mysterious Stranger]

Outside noisy, inside empty.

There is nothing wrong with being quiet, but it's often a trait that is remarked upon by other people.

"You're very quiet"

Yet if someone was to say to someone that they were a loud mouth it would be considered rude.

You can perhaps change a bit if you wanted to, but in incremental stages. You're not going to just change your personality over night. Why would you want to? In the end you should just be comfortable with being quiet. Don't try to be someone you're not.

[WhispPurr]

Yeh, same as Clyde33, all my school reports were 'needs to contribute more to discussions' and 'very quiet', which for a long time I viewed as a 'bad' thing.
Being called 'shy' is worse and I still see this as a negative.
But now if someone remarks 'you're quiet, aren't you?', I reply 'sometimes' with a knowing smile
Anyway, that's their opinion, and, like others have said, I'd rather be quiet than a blabbermouth.

'A wise man speaks when he has something to say,
A fool speaks when he has to say something.'

[Clockface]

Originally Posted by craigissad

. alot of the time people just talk for the sake of talking, and most of the time the words coming out are nonsense.

Yes and there are many who just talk all the time and all that time it is just utter cr*p coming out of their mouths. There is a saying - "empty vessels make the most noise".

[Sphinx]

It's just annoying that some people feel the need to point it out. I don't go round picking up on things about other people and then questioning them about it. Maybe I should work up the courage to say to someone "Why do you talk so much?" Don't think it would go down too well