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#1
25th January 2011, 20:57
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Is this SA or am I just bitter?
A bit of background......
Always had SA I think, found this site in 2004. I basically muddle through life, staying away from things that I find too difficult if I can help it. I am 39, met my hubby when I was 17 & married when I was 21. Got a 16 year old son - fortunately he is confident  I was diagnosed with M.S in 1998, I am quite a positive person strangely enough so I just got on with things. In 2006 I was medically retired from work. So now I'm at home mostly, I have sleep 10-14 hours a day due to the M.S & can't walk too far. So now, the issue.....My hubby is pretty confident & has found a love for Scuba Diving, he's been diving for about 8 years & it's his passion. He went on a diving holiday to Egypt a couple of years ago & my mood crashed, I was taking Modafinil for M.S fatigue at the time & this had interacted with my escitalopram. I told hubby when he came back that he wasn't going away again.....When I got back to normal I realised that the feelings I had were down to the interaction of my meds & things got back to 'normal'. He went on another diving holiday to Malta September 2010 & I was fine. Now he is in South Africa on another diving holiday for 2 weeks & I'm having real problems!! I told him to go as it was a once in a lifetime thing, I just didn't realise how I'd feel!! I don't want to stop him & then him ending up resenting me because I'd stopped him doing things. He's fulfilling everything he wants to do in life. I can't do so much now because of the M.S but even if I could, the SA would prevent me. He's having a wonderful time & I am happy for him, but I just feel like I have no life. I don't know if I'm just bitter & jealous of the life he's got & I can't/won't have, I'm just really confused  He works away a lot & this doesn't bother me! So, if I've made any sense, what are your thoughts, please be truthful
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#2
25th January 2011, 23:43
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
I think you are a saint in your relationship. Maybe being disabled you feel depressed at his freedom and your lack of it. Maybe look at some sort of holiday you can both do?
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#3
26th January 2011, 01:17
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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We do go on holidays together as well, I think you are right about lack of freedom though! I suppose I'm annoyed that I don't have a choice now, where as when my MS was better I could do things even if I chose not to
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#4
26th January 2011, 02:56
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
I think your right to let him go and pursue his passions because stifling him could cause some problems like resentment which you mentioned.
Having M.S sounds tough and then to top it off you got SA. Best thing would be to indulge in the hobbies you still can with him... How come ur worried of him going away for diving and not for work... you might jus be experiencing a natural fear of wondering if you might lose him.... But forcing him to stay near could be the very thing that drives him away Anyways...i'm just reciting some magazine and talk show host platitudes...but they seem to make some kind of sense |
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#5
26th January 2011, 08:08
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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#6
26th January 2011, 08:30
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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I think you are right in what you say, I would never stop him doing something, I don't want him to have regrets because I stopped him doing something. M.S is a total pain, but then so is SA  It is a combination of things this time with him going diving..... 1. It's 2 weeks, which is the longest he's ever been away. 2. I worry something will happen to him. 3. He's off enjoying himself & I'm stuck at home! I have been on holiday without him in the past & hated it, part of me is wondering why it doesn't bother him. I suppose I don't feel he needs me like I need him. I feel a bit worthless since I was medically retired from work. |
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#7
26th January 2011, 12:15
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
I'm not surprised you feel that way, I'm relatively healthy and any little thing plunges me into bitterness every single day but I like to think I just indulge the feeling of jealousy by choice and I wouldn't take it out on anyone.
Those kind of feelings hurt us more than others anyway and you've coped admirably well despite everything probably due to your positive outlook. It's difficult on many levels because you probably also feel guilty for sounding begrudging of his passion but remember everyone needs that little something for themselves because when a couple does different things that's how they grow as individuals and thus become stronger together. It's okay to feel the way you feel but there must be ways you can use this time more constructively to explore your life's passions too or do anything that stops you dwelling on the differences. It's a good time to try something you've never tried before. |
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#8
26th January 2011, 12:25
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
I was wondering if you could still participate in diving to some extent, even though you have M.S.,.
what lots of people love about the water is it supports you naturally with the body's natural buoyancy,... perhaps just floating on the surafce with a plain snorkel and simply enjoying the feel of the water and the colours of the coral, fish, and general marine life,..not sure if it's that kind of diving he's into ?.. do you not have any private passions or ambitions which you could also indulge Annie ?.. perhaps you feel that he is the only one who has a hobby or interest they are passionate about and you perhaps feel as if there's something lacking for you not to have one? maybe it's the thought that he wants to spend most of his holiday time doing something without you, which will maybe lead to feelings of being left out of his life, being left out of a part of his life that seems important to him ?... all couples have individual interests and passions, and some do go separate holidays to explore these interests, but I dare say, more often than not, they do try and include and encourage each other to join in in their interests and share them,.. maybe what's lacking is that you have not pursued your own personal interests for the sake of your relationship or your children, and now wonder why,..?..... don't know,.. I'm guessing, and not really comfortable advising people on their life's issues,.. 
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#9
26th January 2011, 20:19
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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#10
26th January 2011, 20:34
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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I agree with everything you've said. The M.S makes it difficult to put in to words how I feel, I know what I want to say, but can't find the words!! My passion is cooking I can't think of anything I would be able to try that's new, that doesn't put me in to SA meltdown
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#11
26th January 2011, 21:01
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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I think the top & bottom of it is, my M.S has got worse sine I was diagnosed in 1998 & I envisage that in the next 10 years I will be in a wheel chair more of the time. I think I'm grieving what I've lost, like not being able to go for a walk etc. I feel like I'm pushing him away to do his diving because I have nothing to offer him.....interests wise. I'm not sure I put that across correctly I agree with having time apart & doing separate things, I just don't have much to do! I used to go snorkelling, but my right leg is too weak now, it's not possible. He does have it good, I don't stop him doing anything he wants. Even when we go on holiday together, he still goes diving I forgot to say my ambition would be to look after rescue bunnies, I don't think physically I could do it though.......2 are enough for me at the moment
Last edited by annie1; 26th January 2011 at 21:06. Reason: Adding |
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#12
29th January 2011, 16:44
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
I'm on countdown now to when he comes home on Friday.
I can't eat, I feel sick & even though it's stupid, I can't stop the feelings. How am I going to put across to him how I feel with it turning into an argument, which I'm always scared of in case he leaves  When I was working & my M.S wasn't as bad, I was never afraid he'd leave, so why now? 
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#13
29th January 2011, 16:56
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
Your not planning on laying into him as soon as he walks thru the door are you?
That might b a bad move. He's gonna walk-in excited 2 tell wat his done n seen ... You should try n tame ur anxieties till he's settled down ... show him his been missed kinda thing.... Your probably more worried now cause u got more time alone with your anxieties, free time always brings me on a downer! |
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#14
29th January 2011, 17:26
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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I've already told him we'll talk when he gets home as he knows something is wrong. He knows since I had to give up work I feel worthless, useless, taken for granted & not loved. Part of me is like "what's the point" time & time again he's said he'll tell me he loves me more, show more affection etc......only it never happens. I don't feel a part of his world now. I don't know whether to write it down & give it to him & if so when do I give it him? |
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#16
31st January 2011, 13:51
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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and also if that isn't therapeutic enough and you would still like for him to see it --- wait a couple of days after he gets in, cause his gonna get in buzzing and excited about new things he's seen/done so let him jus enjoy tha and try and connect again by tryina get back in2 his world.... |
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#17
31st January 2011, 20:15
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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I have written it down & after talking to someone, I am going to give it to him, but not until Monday. I'm in a better place now, but a bit numb. He found out 2 years ago that I'd been posting pics of myself on an adult site. He was jealous at first, then he was fine about it, even posted on my thread how he'd taken me for granted........and then nothing, it just goes back to how it's always been..... He's quite happy about the thread, I'm very happy as it's the second most viewed on the site. For me it about the people not so much the pics I put our son first, he's nearly 17 & doesn't want to come on holiday with us but is a little scared to be on his own for a week. Hubby said he isn't being dictated to by his son I couldn't go away & leave him as I know I'd be worried. Maybe this is part of the problem. Thanks so much for making me think about things differently
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#18
31st January 2011, 21:15
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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   lol....wow thas bold n outlandish aint it? [tho perfectly normal don't get me wrong; jus in the context of SA] "2nd most viewed" So ur a superstar on this site of urs...  Quote:
 bring on friday ehey?
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#19
31st January 2011, 21:20
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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If he was a single second younger than 16 i would probably understand mo, unless he's SA too. He cld stay with relatives /friends - have them come over/ - he'd probably dislike the 1st hr of being alone then love it after tha... so your son comes first; obviously hubby won't b dictated too; fair enuff Where do u come in in all of this? |
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#20
31st January 2011, 21:36
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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Not a superstar, but it makes me think I'm not all that bad Do you want the link? Ha ha Quote:
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#21
31st January 2011, 21:44
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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Erm.....I don't come into it at all. My hubby & son come before me, most mothers are the same. |
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#22
31st January 2011, 21:46
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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 oh sorry what did u say sumthin; i was busy with my paper there. "Oh do i want the link?"  hmmmm well ur twisting my arm here annie :hmmm: but  go on then
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#23
31st January 2011, 21:52
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Re: Is this SA or am I just bitter?
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