The Crush *An Update*

Pal · #1 12th April 2007, 23:45

Hi all

As some of you will know a great deal of my postings recently have been in referance to this crush i've had over this girl that i am currently on a long term course with.

http://www.social-anxiety-community....ad.php?t=14591

Anyway after much soul searching, emotional baggage and desperation i actually told her how i felt today. I'm not even really sure if this post belongs in the thropy room since, as i expected, she turned me down but i am quite chuft with myself for actually having tried.

She wasn't nasty about it, quite the opposite in fact she was very sensitive and understanding, but she is far too into her boyfriend to have given me a second thought. She admits she sees me as a friend.

To be honest at the moment i feel an absolute pathetic pratt for doing it, probably because it was done in a moment of panic and desperation but also because she actually said to me "this has never happened to me before, i don't think it's happened to anyone".

I am going through a whole range of emotions at the moment and am somewhat confused but i felt i needed to get it off my chest and post my thoughts and feelings.

Cheers

EnJay:Evolution · #2 13th April 2007, 01:23

Well, atleast you know now. And well done for doing it face to face, i never had the balls to that so

#3 13th April 2007, 09:00

OMG well done pal how brave! Not the end you hoped for I guess but It might just help you with your crush now you know for certain...sort of like closure! Dont feel bad cos hat was some achievement i reakon

W!llow · #4 13th April 2007, 09:48

Hi Pal,

That was brave. Really Good.

If it is something you have been feeling for a while its better that you know where you are. Sorry it didn't work out.

Andist · #5 13th April 2007, 11:33

Well done Pal!

elvira31 · #6 13th April 2007, 13:04

I think you were really brave for telling her how you feel

well done

Pal · #7 13th April 2007, 19:52

I have to admit at the moment i do feel really shit. Not so much at the fact i didn't get the responce i'd hoped but at my serious lack of experience and success in this area.

As i just said to my therapist "this is a area of life for which i am horredously inexperienced".

Pal · #8 13th April 2007, 23:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel

Pal, I am not so sure that the majority of people would have had the courage that you had in telling this girl how you felt, knowing that the outcome may have resulted in being rejected ( which unfortunately is what happened to you).

experience ? or just life? :rub_onhea

Probably both!

I was actually very sure i faced rejection but i told her out of a sense of panic and after a massive build up of emotion.

I've spent most of my life trying to avoid getting into relationships partly due to anxiety and partly due to the fear of getting hurt.

The very few relationships that i've actually had were something of a fluc and only really came about due to vulnerability or very close friendship.

Ben1981 · #9 14th April 2007, 00:18

Sorry you got rejected Pal but well done for trying anyway. Your braver than I would be in that situation

. And at least shes willing to stay friends rather than distance herself from you. Maybe if something goes wrong between her and her bf in the future it may open the door for you if your still interested.

Pal · #10 14th April 2007, 00:29

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ben24

Sorry you got rejected Pal but well done for trying anyway. Your braver than I would be in that situation

. And at least shes willing to stay friends rather than distance herself from you. Maybe if something goes wrong between her and her bf in the future it may open the door for you if your still interested.

I'm actually not sure if she is willing to stay friends and i actually get the impression she may want to distance herself from me more in the future.

Regarding her boyfriend, as she put it "what you feel for me now, i feel for him times 1 million". Quite possibly a window may open up but i really don't think she was even that interested in me in the first place.

Pal · #11 14th April 2007, 01:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by MasterCaster

Its a hardknock life my friend. Really its achievement all round, people get knocked down, rejected. Most people have inexperience in that area, including me, its not a negative thing, its just something that needs work, or a different approach. I think its best how it turned out if I'm honest.

I've never been a fan of that saying as i don't believe it really has to be but your right, i certainetly intend to turn this into a learning experience.

Pal · #12 14th April 2007, 02:45

This is getting rediculous but i'm actually starting to feel suicidal about the whole thing.

Winnie57 · #13 14th April 2007, 15:09

Take care Pal - there will be other girls in the future. It was very brave of you to tell her how you felt

Well done

Pal · #14 14th April 2007, 18:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel

Everybody knows what its like to be rejected Pal, instead of internalising it in a negative way (e,g telling yourself your a failure /unlikeable or unable to make realtionships work etc), try and remember there are many reasons why it wasn't going to happen..the girl was already with someone is a good one already!

Learn from this experience if you can, learn that youv'e understood that it wont help putting yourself down about it, but use it as an experience of coping (how will I find a coping strategy/ what can I do to get me through this.. make me feel better etc).. It seems to me that you keep turning your anger & fraustration in on yourself, and youv'e got to stop dong that.

Fear & hurt are things we have to live with, but we can learn a certain resilience from bad experiences too, which will help us cope with th ups and down of life in the future

Thanks Mel

What's getting to me isn't so much the fact that she rejected me, i always knew that was going to happen there was simply nothing there on her part plus the boyfriend, but the fact that i've had such little experience in this area and have always made an effort to avoid it despite the fact i was literally screaming to get out there, "play the game" and lead a normal life.

At the moment i feel a combination of a complete prat (for having actually told her), useless and pathetic, depressed verging on suicidal (because i can see this being the norm for me in the future) and very tired.

I am trying to put it aside and treat it as a learning experience but at the moment i'm simply not able to do that. Sorry if it seems a bit sad or pathetic but this thing has absolutely knocked me for 6.

EnJay:Evolution · #15 14th April 2007, 19:06

You told someone who was already in a relationship that you had feelings for her. She let you down gently.

Next time you try it with someone who isn't in a relationship and see what happans, then you can start to judge whats the "Norm"

As i've posted before i did almost the exact same thing just a few months ago. Circumstances were different but the basics were the same. And that was mainly my fault. Your situation was not your fault.

My guess would be that the main reason she rejected you was because of her boyfriend, nothing to do with you. She was already in love, that's not your fault.

You did well to tell her and don't give up at the first sign of failure.

EnJay:Evolution · #16 14th April 2007, 19:13

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel

You are not destined for desaster you always have the choice, and you didnt have to tell her but you did ,why? ...if you knew it would bring you down..so that it would help you confirm what a worthless person you are or something??

Actually in my case your correct, i was so convinced that this girl didn't like me that everything i did existed to convince myself it was true. In the end i told her to pretty much justify my actions, prove i was right. I was only right because of how i'd acted towards her.

If i hadn't been so stupid to begin with then things could of been so very different.

Anyways, Back to Pal...............

Pal · #17 14th April 2007, 21:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by EnJay:Evolution

You told someone who was already in a relationship that you had feelings for her. She let you down gently.

Next time you try it with someone who isn't in a relationship and see what happans, then you can start to judge whats the "Norm"

As i've posted before i did almost the exact same thing just a few months ago. Circumstances were different but the basics were the same. And that was mainly my fault. Your situation was not your fault.

My guess would be that the main reason she rejected you was because of her boyfriend, nothing to do with you. She was already in love, that's not your fault.

You did well to tell her and don't give up at the first sign of failure.

You do have a gift for comforting posts Enjay.

I'd like to believe that if i tried it with someone who wasn't in a relationship i'd have far better luck but concidering my previous track record and the fact that i don't often project myself very well in real life i'd have to say that my chances still wouldn't be very good.

I need to tackle this confidence and anxiety thing, is there such a thing as confidence coaching?

Pal · #18 14th April 2007, 21:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel

You are not destined for desaster you always have the choice, and you didnt have to tell her but you did ,why? ...if you knew it would bring you down..so that it would help you confirm what a worthless person you are or something??

Quote:

Originally Posted by silvernlilac

One thing is confusing me. Why did you tell her how you felt when you knew she had a boyfriend. Surely it is obvious she wouldnt have been interested for that very reason. Why put yourself through the hurt and rejection when you knew she wouldnt be interested. Im just a bit confused thats all. The guy I emailed I was pretty sure he was single but there is no way I would have done that if Id known he had a partner

Ok

The reasons i told her, despite the fact i knew she was spoken for, are because i was litteraly crying out to and i knew if i didn't i'd only kick myself even more.

Everyone i spoke too about it said tell her, including my therapist, so i did. I figured at the time there was no real harm in it.

#19 16th April 2007, 00:54

I still think ypu were right to say something...for youre own sake. Its the not knowing thats the killer and everytime you see her she'd have got in your head more and more. At least this way you will be able to move on......it might not feel like it now and you might feel dead cruddy, but I think you made the right move.

Dont fester on it...one day somone will be dead glad youre saying that to them!! And theres probably already been someone who had wished you would say it to them!!

Tell u what Pal...if the despair gets too much let me know and Ill come and give you a big girly slap!!

It always works in the movies!!

Pal · #20 16th April 2007, 01:02

I still feel pretty crud.

I've now actually been trying to compare myself to the boyfriend who, from what i know of him, is a confident, independant, pub goer. Where as i'm a unconfident, dependant, SA!

I think this is one of the things depressing me the most is that this has been, for me, a glimps into a life i could have had if i wasn't crippled by SA and other fears/illnesses/trauma etc.

Pal · #21 16th April 2007, 01:04

Also i suppose if i hadn't said something i'd have only cut myself up for my cowardice!!

#22 16th April 2007, 01:09

a no win sit. either way but at least you tried! Dont try and compare yourself Pal...lots of girls arent into that confident pub goer thing anyway and just because people appear confident doesnt mean they actually are! Anyway theyere not called "crushes" for nothing....I reakon the person who named them had a crappy experience too!

fairyfingers · #23 16th April 2007, 01:25

I think you did the right thing by asking , it was a long shot with her having a BF. I imagine it would be hard to feel that secure or confident in a relationship where someone dumped their partner for you ( i would worry if they had done that quickly to someone chances would be high of her doing it to you eventually too) .

However not to say something feeling so strongly about her would have been a bit deceitful and creepy i think considering you are 'friends' . Atleast you were decent enough to be honest with her so nothing to feel guilty about you were just being genuine and open about your true feelings .

I would not be hard on yourself it seems a no win situation for the near future, not to give flase hope but atleast she knows should her feelings for her BF ever change.

Pal · #24 16th April 2007, 01:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by fairyfingers

I would not be hard on yourself it seems a no win situation for the near future, not to give flase hope but atleast she knows should her feelings for her BF ever change.

Unfortunetly, from what i gather at the moment, she's going to want to restrict contact with me for what's left of the course and will probably be avoiding me so if her relationship with her BF changes i still don't think i stand a chance.

fairyfingers · #25 16th April 2007, 01:39

You were 'friends' on this course so obviously had a rapor and were liked to an extent .

If she does continue to avoid you it is not necessarily that she is thinking badly, i really think she will be respecting your honesty even if she finds it a little uncomfortable for fear of maybe leading you on.

I certainly would not take her avoiding you as bad just maybe being sensitive and respectful of the whole situation .

Pal · #26 17th April 2007, 19:04

Well tommorrow will be the first time i see her since Thursday. I'm not expecting much, it seems she's surprised by my announcement but hasn't said much more.

EnJay:Evolution · #27 18th April 2007, 00:08

"Also DO NOT I repeat DO NOT think she'll ever change her mind. You've now been put into the NO category and that includes no as a friend too. Be pleasant with her but that's all."

I would agree that the chances of her changing her mind are slim but can you really discount the possibility of friendship?

It would certainly be difficult to resume the friendship but i think Pal needs to see how the next few days go before giving up. If of course he evan wants to be friends.

Keep us updated, i like a good Unrequited Love Story.

Pal · #28 18th April 2007, 00:23

"Also DO NOT I repeat DO NOT think she'll ever change her mind. You've now been put into the NO category and that includes no as a friend too. Be pleasant with her but that's all."

To be honest that did shock me a fair bit although i suppose there was little chance of us keeping in touch after the course finished anyway.

Pal · #29 18th April 2007, 19:54

Well she was there and does appear to be doing her best to keep her distance. She's not being cold or unfriendly but she's certainetly blanking me out.

I think that point was made quite clearly by her speech when she thanked some of the lads for helping her out on Dartmoor but didn't include me, possibly i'm reading a little too into that but it does kinda speak volumes.

Pal · #30 18th April 2007, 21:59

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew_uk

I'm sorry it worked out the way it did pal. I hope you was at least a little prepared for her attitude. It sounds like she's a nice person but just not interested. And I bet she worried what you might say/do.

I'm guessing you was pleasant and cool so don't be surprised if she's a little more friendly in the coming days. But don't take that as any more of a signal than the fact she thinks your an ok guy.

Andrew

Where are you getting all this information?

Please don't say it's common knowledge.