Hi - social anxiety ruining my life - looking for advice

[Mick78]

Hi folks, I guess I've joined up for advice and support - at the moment I feel at my lowest ebb and just want to give up on life.

I've suffered SA since I was 17 (I'm now 41) where the biggest experience I had that has contributed to my low self-esteem and social anxiety was my apprenticeship, where I was bullied and made to feel worthless. Isolated from other apprentices and made to feel different and someone that people could make fun of – severely affected my confidence. Went from a reasonably confident person leaving school to a person who developed social anxiety and developed low self-esteem. At school had a few times of minor bullying but nothing too bad. Parents were loving but sometimes had other things going on with my siblings. Brother had a brain tumour and was often reclusive – has aspergers. Sister off the rails and caused a lot of disruption for my family. So I felt almost different to other families who seemed to have a better life – less hassle.

I've also suffered depression since 2011, at present I'm having a really hard time coping with work. I work in an engineering environment (and always have) and can be quite cutting at times - at least that's how I view it - when I'm in OK form it doesn't bother me as much but the past 6 months I've really felt cliques developing and I'm feeling almost paranoid around others. Or certain others I perceive as "socially dangerous". I know this can be traced back to my apprenticeship. I'm always guarded and expecting some smart put down or even imagining that others are thinking very negatively of me. I lack self-confidence, seek approval from others, judge myself very harshly, automatically think I’m not as good as others, think others view me negatively, guarded of others, low self-esteem, doubt my abilities, feel inferior to others. It's a horrible feeling not to believe in yourself.

I've been on various anti-depressants for years - was on venlafaxine for a number of years - but now not working anymore - I've tried CBT in the past but never really stuck with it. I've even bought the SA therapy from the SA institute to try and work on my SA. I had purchased it before but that was 19 yrs ago and had pretty much given up on it. I guess I'm just desperate for help. I'm currently waiting to hear back about a psychiatrist after visiting my GP and pleading for help.

I'm looking to change my job as I think that this sort of environment is not good for my mental health. I want to work somewhere where I feel welcomed and supported. I don't feel that at all just now. I also feel that I can’t stand up for myself (although I have in the past despite extreme anxiety), wasted my life, others are better than me – I just have something “missing”. Don’t have anything to offer, not any good at my work, others are more clever than me, stronger than me, I feel like a failure for not being in a relationship/married with kids, I look at others and they seem happy and content while I am not – I feel they are better than me, feel oversensitive, slight remarks/banter can have a damaging effect on my mood, can be very self-conscious.

I appreciate this is a long post - thanks for reading and taking the time,

Mick.

[slrrrrp]

Welcome to the forum, Mick. I hope you find it helpful.

[sotcon]

If the main source of anxiety is coming from your work place it may be time to move on. With your years of experience hopefully you'll eventually find where you fit in. Just have to be brave and take that leap of faith.

[Dougella]

Welcome A lot of people have experiences of bullying that caused or atleast made their social anxiety worse unfortunately.

It sounds like a change of workplace might be good for you but also working on your self esteem because it's not true that you're not good at anything or have nothing to offer, especially if you're an engineer, they're really bright

Some books you might want to check out if you haven't read them already are 'The Happiness Trap' by Russ Harris and 'Lost Connections' by Johann Hari.

[Orwell20]

Originally Posted by sotcon

If the main source of anxiety is coming from your work place it may be time to move on.

Hi Mick. Where have you been? You clearly belong with us

I agree with sotcon. Is it really worth it Mick? You say you have no partner or kids, but that has its advantages. I know people trapped in horrible, stressful jobs because they have to pay child maintenance, or because their partner wants an extension, or simply because they want to give their kids a good life. You are free of all that. If it's making you miserable, why not get a job in Sainsbury's? They pay well and it's stress free. Or be a postman...anything. There are people out there who would be a lot happier if they weren't married or hadn't got kids.

[Reformation]

Originally Posted by Jimmy77

If it's making you miserable, why not get a job in Sainsbury's? They pay well and it's stress free. Or be a postman...anything.

I think that's a misconception when the stresses of a job are from the social side and from how you are treated and the pressures put on you. So the type of work, even though it's perceived as easy, doesn't necessarily correlate with the stress levels.

A postman may be good though as you are outside, getting exercise and away from the office politics. That may be good for SA.

[Orwell20]

Originally Posted by Reformation

A postman may be good though as you are outside, getting exercise and away from the office politics. That may be good for SA.

A cab driver is another good one. You have plenty of social interaction, but you avoid the office politics/cliques/bullying and general nastiness of a confined space.

[Bluebear]

Welcome to the forum, Mick. I hope its helpful.

[Aelwyn]

Welcome Mick, I hope you find this forum helpful.

I can relate to a lot of what you say, and I think the office environment can be very toxic. I know I was never very happy in it, and often miserable. It often seems to be geared towards extroverts, the more extreme the better.

I'm not sure there's a complete "cure" for SA, but I do think there are things we can do to lessen it, and to change our own attitude so that we don't buy into the idea that we are useless and blameworthy. Taking things one small step at a time can end up making quite a difference.

[Counterpoint]

Wow Mick, your story almost completely mirrors my own, 40 year old here. Also invested in the SA institute series, went through it several times, even joined a group. But this thing runs deep, and there may be other factors holding us back. I could relate so much with you. Hello brother!! You are a survivor. Stay close, the support here is great.

[Moksha]

I know what you mean about feeling like a failure. But this is so common. There are people out there who seem to have achieved so much yet feel like utter losers. It’s just your mind turning against you and tormenting you. Equally, there are people with nothing who are genuinely happy and fulfilled.

Also, don’t overestimate how happy other people are. Again, you don’t know what is going on behind closed doors. There are plenty of people livin the dream, with a gorgeous partner and two beautiful kids, who are suicidally depressed. Their wife is cheating on them, or their daughter has some kind of chronic illness, or whatever. Or, like jimmy77 writes, they are trapped in a job they hate because they have a huge mortgage and don’t want to raise their child on a horrible estate. Social media is so incredibly toxic. It presents this idealised view, a highlight reel actually, of people’s lives.

[Mick78]

Thanks everyone for the support - means a lot. Another tough day at work for me - I really do think a change is necessary. I need some breathing space to try and minimise triggers while I try and get better. If I could feel somewhat at ease with myself I'd be content. I hate the way remarks can be seen as cutting to me

[Utopia]

Well, it sounds like you are very critical of yourself, and I know the feeling to an extent, but really it helps to not be seeking approval from others, what you really need to do is seek approval from yourself first, and then maybe others will respond to that a bit better. Just try to keep your own internal sense of self confidence, despite people putting you down in various ways; I mean obviously it can be hard not to compare ourselves to others, but really the problem lies within ourselves, because any change you want to make is within your hands.. I would primarily be concerned with your own opinion of yourself and not to let others get to you too much, as much as possible, I mean if you need to please your boss or something, then that is a means to an end, but what really matters is your internal sense of self esteem.

I've found it helps to just care a lot less about the opinions of others, because experience tells me that many people put others down for things that are true of themselves to a certain extent (or was true) and low self esteem really does seem to be a subconscious motivating factor for making others feel bad about themselves - I think it's all about feeling more or less powerful than the others and so insulting another some how invalidates the trait from being true within themselves, for some stupid reason. Just look at the reality of things, if you have a good career and make a good living, could other, less experienced people feel insecure and a need to gain power over you? I really don't know, but more often than not, things are not what they seem.

[Mick78]

I find it hard to stop worrying and ruminating over what others are thinking of me - it's exhausting. It's almost like an OCD thing where I continually have them in my head - wondering what they are thinking of me, replaying events in my head, worrying over future events, this in turn makes me feel unable to cope and causes my anxiety to rocket. Imagining that they view me as weak, someone they can target, don't have any respect for me etc. I know it all originates from a hellish apprenticeship years ago. I've not always felt this way in my current job - but a few new faces have joined and I'm worried about others seeing "the real me" the anxious me. I've also had a relatively public run in with one of them where I was made to feel worthless. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to try and break this excessive worrying. At the moment I'm experiencing breaking down a lot because I don't feel any way out of it.

[Selkie]

Hi Mick,
Sorry to hear about your recent experiences. It can be really tough in the workplace and feeling like you can't escape from people.
This is something I'm trying to do at the moment - separate myself from other peoples' opinions of me (or what I think they are). A million times easier said than done, but on one level, when I'm calm, I can see it's true that if anyone is critical of you, it really says an awful lot about them, and not so much about you. Even if you're worried about them judging you for being nervous - what do they know about it? Why should they judge you based on what you can't help, and comes from your temperament/past experiences?
You could consider trying mindfulness. It takes practice, but can help to reduce repetitive thoughts and to calm down a bit. Also finding a supportive group of SA sufferers near you might help.

[AnxiousExtrovert]

Originally Posted by Mick78

I find it hard to stop worrying and ruminating over what others are thinking of me - it's exhausting. It's almost like an OCD thing where I continually have them in my head - wondering what they are thinking of me, replaying events in my head, worrying over future events, this in turn makes me feel unable to cope and causes my anxiety to rocket. Imagining that they view me as weak, someone they can target, don't have any respect for me etc. I know it all originates from a hellish apprenticeship years ago. I've not always felt this way in my current job - but a few new faces have joined and I'm worried about others seeing "the real me" the anxious me. I've also had a relatively public run in with one of them where I was made to feel worthless. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to try and break this excessive worrying. At the moment I'm experiencing breaking down a lot because I don't feel any way out of it.

Hi Mick,

I can relate a lot with your posts I have been through very similar things. Infact my last job I lost because of a similar scenario.
I do have self esteem problems to degrees but in the type of situations you are speaking about I am usually very sure of myself that its the other people that have the issues going on. Actually saying that I'm not sure if I think they have issues so much as I think this is an environment rife of insecurity and trying to compete for something that I'm not really interested in, i.e. putting each other down and sucking up to find their place.

But I do become self conscious regarding being the odd one out or feeling ganged up on and it definitely makes it harder to be the real me when I am feeling like that.

I also feel a huge pressure that I am meant to prevent disrespect or bullying or its a weakness of mine and this is something that I stuggle with hugely. I dislike being bullied not only because of the obvious but more so because of how it can show you up infront of other people.

One thing I have finally come to the conclusion of though is that these types of people far more often than not are not the types of people I really want to be fitting in with too much regardless if I am accepted by them or not.

Ofcourse being disrespected or not fitting in is horrible for all the reasons stated but when I have fitted in with these types I often find myself not really respecting them deep down either and you realise just how simple minded they actually can be.

[Debbie82]

Hi Mick, Your story resonates with me. Work causes the majority of my SA and the overthinking and paranoia just exacerbates all your feelings of inadequacy etc - Yep, going through that at the mo! You are strong though to carry on in these conditions so give yourself some credit. The people around you probably have no idea of the turmoil in your head and how hard it is just to get through day to day. I hope you can find some support here. I am taking as much as I can get to help from this site as I have am going through a rough patch at the mo too. Take care and free free to PM.

[Mick78]

Thanks for the replies folks. Tough day at work today and feeling very down as a result. Honestly don't know how much longer I can keep this up, just feels so over overwhelming right now. I have recently came into some money via a property sale and am questioning whether I should prioritise my mental health, quit my job (to be honest maybe that may happen anyway) and concentrate on getting better.

Showed up at work this morning and met with "Well I didn't think you'd be this much of an ***hole" (in a sarcastic tone). And met with accusations about work I had left behind on Friday. I just immediately felt deflated and annoyed - even the guy I was working with (who I've also had a run in with) looked surprised. This guy who said this is a cocky younger guy and I was taken aback by 1st line and didn't say anything and then when he mentioned the other stuff I went all out accusing him of having a poor attitude and talking nonsense. I'm just so fed up dealing with this environment at the moment.

I took him aside later and told him to square up his attitude and to treat me with respect and get his facts right. Never had the decency to apologise or anything - however now I'm over analysing the situation - worrying about what others may think of me - thinking I can't take a joke etc.. Irrationally worried that others can see my anxiety and are judging me - just feels so overwhelming right now...

[Debbie82]

I think if you are in a position to remove yourself from your job then definitely consider it. You were brave to speak up for yourself and let the guy know he needs to sort his attitude out. You will gain respect for this even if you feel he was an a-hole not apologising. He knows that you aren't just going to accept him speaking to you that way.

I am taking a bit of time away from work as my SA is causing me to make mistakes and I can't concentrate. If you feel the same then maybe you should at least take a break? Maybe see how the rest of the week goes and then make a doctors appointment. Give yourself a week or two away from the place and then consider your options re leaving. Good luck!