Things you just don't want to hear when you have social anxiety - Page 2

Introspheric87 · #31 17th October 2020, 22:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Nobody

I recall being beconed over by a couple of people in our office once,
I'm usually too busy to stop for pleasantries, but decided to follow their apparent interest,...
Turned out two women in one of our departments decided to have some "sport" or "fun" by ripping me apart in front of their office,..

"Why do you never smile?"
"Why are you never happy? "
"Why are you always frowning?
"Look," one says excitedly "he's doing it now".
"Why are you always grumpy?"..."you need to smile more"..

Man,. I'm SO glad I decided to walk over and hear what they wanted to say to me

I can relate to this as similar things have happened to me at work. No one has the right to interrogate you at work because you don't fit their conceived notions of "friendly" behaviour. When someone asked me recently Why don't you smile more? I told them It's not an obligation to smile, I smile when I have something to smile about.. They soon stopped asking me and I felt great.

AnxiousExtrovert · #32 18th October 2020, 02:38

Pretty much anything that someone would say to indicate they are judging or analysing me in a way to figure out how to view or treat me. That gets my social anxiety kicking in real fast. I either dislike them if they reject me or resent them if they are impressed for being so shallow.

Some people can have small talk or a conversation and it doesn't feel forced or judgy too much. Some people I feel like I am in a job interview with when talking to them. And besides my own ego part I feel frustrated how they have no shame in judging people like objects.

Kipper · #33 18th October 2020, 15:39

From time to time my wife will tell me it's all in my imagination and a work colleague will tell me that I overthink things!

Plus I would dearly love to be able to smile more and I feel guilty for not doing so. However the anxiety and tension tightens all the muscles in my face to such an extent that it becomes impossible to move them. Any attempt to smile results in an awful expression on my face that looks as if I am grimacing in pain or anger!

Kipper · #34 18th October 2020, 15:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by neilm

'Why are you so red ?' or 'oh my god youre really sweating'

Yes me too! Especially if somebody says it when others can hear it too. My wife used to say this to me a lot when we were out with my brother and his family. I wanted to just curl up and die.

Rianne · #35 18th October 2020, 21:42

I get 'cheer up. It might never happen!' Great. Just when you're already feeling awkward and out of place someone decides to highlight that fact by telling you that you look as if you don't fit in!

Dougella · #36 18th October 2020, 22:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kipper

Yes me too! Especially if somebody says it when others can hear it too. My wife used to say this to me a lot when we were out with my brother and his family. I wanted to just curl up and die.

I don't know why people insist on pointing it out like that, don't they realise it makes it so much worse!

AnxiousExtrovert · #37 19th October 2020, 04:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kipper

From time to time my wife will tell me it's all in my imagination and a work colleague will tell me that I overthink things!

Plus I would dearly love to be able to smile more and I feel guilty for not doing so. However the anxiety and tension tightens all the muscles in my face to such an extent that it becomes impossible to move them. Any attempt to smile results in an awful expression on my face that looks as if I am grimacing in pain or anger!

This is my biggest hang up. Hiding my real emotions. I feel like I look tired or fed up a lot which I am but I'm not doing any wrong or particularly out of the ordinary. I just think I can be a bit distant or shy at times. This probably does seem out of the ordinary in situations where everyone is consciously going overboard to fit in like new job situations.
Because of tension and anxiety I too think I clench my jaw and look serious too much.
Im not always like this, I've been told by some I come across confident and a laugh but this would be specific situations more than the norm.
There is a big movement right now preaching about its OK to not be OK. This sounds great and I try to follow it myself when I am too drained and over loaded with my thoughts.
But the truth is a lot of people are not very understanding. Someone once said a phrase to me which I personally think accounts for a lot that is wrong with the world. The phrase was "perception is everything".
I understand the importance of perception on a first impressions natural human instinct and its certainly part of the equation but it certainly isn't an accurate marker of reality. Poker is a good example of that. Stock markets too. And obviously people's character.

Canned tuna · #38 19th October 2020, 07:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kipper

Plus I would dearly love to be able to smile more and I feel guilty for not doing so. However the anxiety and tension tightens all the muscles in my face to such an extent that it becomes impossible to move them. Any attempt to smile results in an awful expression on my face that looks as if I am grimacing in pain or anger!

I have the exact same thing! I just cannot smile when I am anxious and I feel awful for it because all I really want to do is communicate to the other that they are accepted and will not be judged in a harsh light. Instead my muscles tense when I am supposed to smile and the opposite message gets communicated.

Its even worse when I'm expected to laugh at someone's joke- probably my number one cause of attacks. I end up with this deadpan expression when the attack is happening and people just take it to mean I don't actually like them and would prefer them to go away. Ugh!

And then on another day I'll have a few drinks and laugh and smile with all the people, feeling like a part of the human race... I can see why addiction rates are so high for SA

Introspheric87 · #39 19th October 2020, 23:17

Unfortunately, tense jaw and not liking to smile with my teeth, equals angry, aggressive weirdo to some people.
One of the biggest problems with social anxiety can be how your body betrays you even when you might be feeling fine. Imagine you walk into an office positively, feeling like the day is going to go well, you feel like you are finally managing well, then someone tells you that your clothes were wrong, your smile was incorrect, you laughed too loudly and then you go back to feeling like shit.

Selkie · #40 20th October 2020, 10:15

^ Yes indeed. I've also had complaints that I look 'miserable'.

Also: 'no one minds if you are a bit quiet and shy'.
Um, really??

OK, some people don't mind but just ignore you. Some people see you as an easy target or get annoyed because of it. And some people are nice..

citizen_erased · #41 22nd October 2020, 00:14

"Stop overthinking things". - Thanks, I'd never thought of that!

"Be more confident!"

And a doctor once told me to "broaden my horizons." - Right.

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Mellie · #42 28th October 2020, 07:19

''you look anxious''

Aelwyn · #43 28th October 2020, 10:19

"X is dying to meet you!" This always horrifies me and makes meeting X even more of a trial than usual, I suppose it's the burden of their expectations.

Mellie · #44 29th October 2020, 04:48

if you don't want to change you can go elsewhere (my dad said this) for depression/social anxiety. I do but it's just not that simple to suddenly change..

choirgirl · #45 29th October 2020, 14:11

^Oh no, Skittles, that's horrible.

Mellie · #46 29th October 2020, 15:00

Oh don't worry I get all sorts from dad like I'm lazy ect I'm used to it. and mum tells me to be normal.

choirgirl · #47 29th October 2020, 22:55

Ah yes, the being normal one. Got that one a lot myself from my dad. Yeah, that's not going to happen. It's a lot of bloody work trying!

gregarious_introvert · #48 29th October 2020, 23:38

^ I'll be normal as soon as someone can define what that entails.

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MissKatie · #49 30th October 2020, 06:05

"yeah just give me a call and we can talk about it"

I think I'd rather eat a pile of poop thanks

Mellie · #50 30th October 2020, 20:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by gregarious_introvert

^ I'll be normal as soon as someone can define what that entails.

Sent from my SM-A105F using Tapatalk

who knows!

guess my mum does.. lol

jez9999 · #51 7th November 2020, 10:20

When I was in school, it was: "get into pairs". Guess who'd always be doing the science experiments alone.... or if there was an even number of people, someone would be lumbered with me, or there would be a group of 3, and me alone again.

Mole58 · #52 9th November 2020, 11:28

"Cheer up, it may never happen."

Finlay · #53 9th November 2020, 13:37

I thought of another one. This is from when I'd pluck up the courage to go out and do something low-level like go out for a meal or to the cinema with some friends, and during it someone pipes up:

"Hey, while we're out, once we're done here why don't we go out to a club and make a night of it?"

Oh dear god no. This wasn't part of the deal. I'm not mentally ready for this. I spent the day psyching myself up, bargaining with myself that it was just a few hours and if I can get through it then I'd be home in time for tea, pajamas and Match of the Day. I didn't agree to this!! My energy levels are already spent!!

Also somewhat related, although possibly more in regards to my introverted side rather than SA as such, there is the:

"Why don't I come round and hang out?"

Hang out. Not "watch a movie" or "come over for dinner". Just "hang out". How long is "hang out" for? An hour? 2 hours? The whole evening? What are we going to do? Do I have to entertain you? Do I have to prepare a list of activities for you? I was planning on staring into space for a few hours this evening but now I have to rearrange. Are you going to require to bunk over? Are you going to still be here at 2pm the following afternoon? Do I have to feed you multiple meals? When am I going to get my peace and quiet? I need answers!!

Obviously I don't say any of this to the person as it's all an internal dialogue, and outwardly I go "Yeah, sure....if you want!"

Granted this doesn't come up these days, but I remember it from my younger years when a friend of mine would basically invite himself round with no indefinite time of leaving. And being so much of a people pleaser, I'd never have the heart to ask him to leave, no matter how depleted my energy levels were getting.

I suppose in both examples I should be grateful I had friends in the first place, but both situations would still fill me with dread.

Formershyguy · #54 11th November 2020, 13:38

People are ignorant and they are not educated enough to even contemplate that not everyone is as confident as them. We as people with social anxiety have a unique ability to recognise others who are suffering from this.

The common reaction to react to someone who suffers from social anxiety seems to mock or attack. Some people are sympathetic. I too have had the "You're very quiet aren't you" and I with a nervous laugh reply with "haha yes I know" I mean what do people expect when they say that to you?

I also worked with an older woman and I could straight away tell she was shy and socially anxious. So I behaved differently and more sympathetically toward her. I remember one time some young guy said something really rude about her behind her back. He said that she must be a lesbian and I defended her.

Formershyguy · #55 25th November 2020, 12:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Nobody

I recall being beconed over by a couple of people in our office once,
I'm usually too busy to stop for pleasantries, but decided to follow their apparent interest,...
Turned out two women in one of our departments decided to have some "sport" or "fun" by ripping me apart in front of their office,..

"Why do you never smile?"
"Why are you never happy? "
"Why are you always frowning?
"Look," one says excitedly "he's doing it now".
"Why are you always grumpy?"..."you need to smile more"..

Man,. I'm SO glad I decided to walk over and hear what they wanted to say to me

God that sounds really awful and insensitive! I've work in many different types of places, offices and warehouse environments. You learn which environments suit you if you suffer from social anxiety and for me its office environments. Over time I have become less anxious but I definitely hate using the phone at work.

I've had former bosses tell me I need to participate in the office chit chat/conversations but back then I was a lot more anxious and just couldn't. I remember when i was about 20/21 working as some kind of apprentice/dog's body in this Drawing Office and mostly doing errands for my boss but i was supposed to be learning stuff. Anyway over time my boss noticed I was really quiet and he thought he would try to help me by having a word with me in a meeting room, telling me he realises I'm shy but I should try to participate more. Then he had another chat with me but this time he brought in another guy from the office. Like somehow that was going to help.

The problem is no one can really empathise unless they have been where you are. To me telling someone they are quiet or "don't be shy" is like telling a short person to grow.

But I think i understand why people behave like this. Its because they cannot conceive that there are people who aren;t loud, who don't have internal filters and actualy worry about what they say. Most people are ignorant and just brush us off as weird or simply quiet. They simply don't have the intelligence or deep thought processes to be empathetic. So what people don't understand they merely dismiss. In a way its like a form of bigotry which is also because of ignorance!

Amara 94 · #56 26th November 2020, 18:32

I think ideally, much easier said than done, we should learn to process what certain people say to us. Imagine processing someone mocking us for being quiet without getting defensive. We would see the message for what it is. The problem though is that society, as a whole, has defence mechanisms hence they try to shame certain people so it's a very hard thing to see the message for what it ultimately is. It's like we are trained to feel ashamed of certain things.

I am saying this and I feel like I am in a co-dependent relationship with the cousin I cling on to, I feel I have to build some distance for my sanity. And I have always been a people pleaser.

Counterpoint · #57 28th November 2020, 00:44

The one that gets me is often when I'm more relaxed and feeling a bit more like myself and somebody's says 'you've come out of your shell.'

But the previous post is a good one, we should learn not to get defensive about these things. Learning to be better socialisers will entail having to deal with a hundred times more of these kinds of comments, not less. I always fantasise that overcoming SA will mean being supremely confident and not having to deal with these kinds of comments any more. How naive can you be?!

Northern Natterer · #58 1st December 2020, 21:43

We didn't think it'd be your sort of thing gets to me in the sense that I want to be asked but then I'd probably say no thus fulfilling what they think is their prophacy.

quietguy · #59 2nd December 2020, 14:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by Counterpoint

The one that gets me is often when I'm more relaxed and feeling a bit more like myself and somebody's says 'you've come out of your shell.'

Oh god yea I REALLY hate that too, its really fu@king annoying!

Katie25 · #60 2nd December 2020, 20:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katie25

Your quiet. You know what they say you should always watch the quiet ones. Said to me by a work colleague last week. I feel like saying to them well when I am at work I am trying to concentrate on what I have to do.

Yesterday a second person said this to me at work. I told her I am quiet at work because I am trying to concentrate on the work I have to do and that I am not quiet at home. Again I had to hear the phrase you know what they say you have to watch the quiet ones. It boggles my mind why people think this is ok to come out with things like that. I don't go around telling people you are a bit loud aren't you?