Were you described as shy as a child?

[Dougella]

I'm curious to know whether anyone here was described as shy or quiet or even anxious as a child and you overheard it? I was quite frequently described as shy and I don't think that that was necessarily a good thing, even if I seemed shy sometimes.



I have heard that it's not good to give children these kinds of labels because they can take it onboard and think that it's what they are. Whereas people change over time and kids can behave in a certain way in certain situations but that's not their whole personality. What do you guys think?

[WhispPurr]

Yeh, I was always told "you're very shy", and the way people said it, as if it was a bad thing, has stuck with me, and I now view shyness as something you 'shouldn't be'.

In my later years, whenever someone said "you're shy, aren't you", I'd tell them I'm just quiet - there's nothing wrong with being quiet.

All my school reports said I "need to contribute more in class"


I think kids, and adults, can internalize labels and sometimes 'become' them, as they believe that's what people expect of them all the time - i.e. if they are always told they are quiet, it's hard to be 'loud' because people would be shocked/ surprised by it.
It takes a lot of courage to prove people wrong.

I also think it can be hard to be 'loud'/ bold/ assertive in one situation if you're quiet in others. But there are situations when I come out of my shell, whereas in other places I' always "the quiet one"

[Marie8]

I too was described as shy in all of my school reports and that I didn't contribute enough in class discussions etc. Kids used to tease me and call me a daydreamer from a really young age. I felt really ashamed of myself for being quiet and it contributed a lot to my low self esteem.

As an adult people have often referred to me as shy, including family members. One of my grandmas friends used to call me away with the fairies and I've recently been described by a woman at work as being dosy and naive. I feel the negative comments about being a quiet individual will never end.

[Dougella]

^^ That's hilarious biscuits

[AireleeBray]

yep I got the must contribute more in every school report. the shy one. the quiet one.

always wanted to be attached to my mum in primary school, whenever we went out with people she would keep pushing me to talk or play with other kids then would treat me like a nuisance.

[Appear]

^^^^ Amazing. You might not be so forward now, but I reckon I can recognise that fiery little lady in ya.


I think I was most regularly described as cheeky, loud and self-righteous, which is probably who I still am underneath the social awkwardness (and unfortunately what I'm more like here). Like Marie8 though, I think I'm more seen as quiet in everyday life - if not aloof.

[Utopia]

Yes, very much so, I would have my moments of high energy though.

[firemonkey]

I wasn't described as shy within earshot . However in my sister's letter re my autism assessment there was this- .

From what I heard from my parents however, from the age of about 4 he started to become more quiet and perhaps withdrawn.

[db838]

Yes, all the time. I just wish that social anxiety was more well-known back in the day and someone might have seen the warning signs.

[Jen.]

Originally Posted by Dougella

I'm curious to know whether anyone here was described as shy or quiet or even anxious as a child and you overheard it? I was quite frequently described as shy and I don't think that that was necessarily a good thing, even if I seemed shy sometimes.

I have heard that it's not good to give children these kinds of labels because they can take it onboard and think that it's what they are. Whereas people change over time and kids can behave in a certain way in certain situations but that's not their whole personality. What do you guys think?

Shyness was always mentioned in school reports throughout the years, but one time during a parents' evening when I was about seven I was sat nearby pretending to play while listening to them all talking about me. I heard the teacher telling my parents that I seemed very talkative and confident in the playground when with my group of friends, but would shut down in front of her or children I wasn't friends with. I remember being extremely aware from that point on I was like that, but always being unhappy with it and not knowing what to do about it. I felt like I was being watched closely and judged by the teachers from then on and that they would bring attention to it if I started acting any differently, so felt very trapped. I often wonder if I may have turned out differently if I hadn't been in the room during that conversation.

[limey123]

^ You don't sound the shy type, Jen, quite feisty, actually.

I don't think I was labelled as shy by teachers, but was once by my aunt. In sixth form my fellow students simply labelled me as "boring".

[FindingFaroffrivers]

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[FindingFaroffrivers]

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[limey123]

Originally Posted by Tonkin

To be honest, I'd rather people think I was being rude than being shy, when I'm being quite or un chatty.

^ I'm the opposite. I'd rather be thought of as shy than simply rude. And if you're shy, people often just assume you're being rude/aloof.

[Jen.]

Originally Posted by limey123

^ You don't sound the shy type, Jen, quite feisty, actually.

I know I can seem quite "confident" in front of people I know well (and maybe online, but that might be more to do with being more direct than people are comfortable with, I don't know), but if also in the presence of people who don't know me I don't feel like I can ever be "myself". Like if I was with a few close friends I might be the one talking the most, but then if someone's friend who I'd never met were to join us, I'll clam up and listen to everyone else talk because I feel like I can't act any other way. If it was just me and the new person alone I'd probably be okay - it always seems to be the combination of being with people I'm familiar with plus strangers that causes difficulty. From discussions with my therapist I think it might have started when I moved to England just before primary school and being aware that my accent was different to everyone else's. I started to naturally develop a different accent in school as one would expect, but I'd still speak with the old accent at home where it gradually felt more and more unnatural. Whenever I was in the same place as my parents and anyone who wasn't my parents, I would get very, very anxious. Like if I was getting a lift somewhere with a friend by my dad, I'd usually try not to say anything in the car because I'd be anxious about my dad hearing how I spoke to my friend, and about my friend hearing how I spoke to my dad. It always felt like two worlds that couldn't be combined because of the stress it caused me, and that even though I was myself with either one or the other, I just couldn't be myself with both at the same time. This probably looked like "shyness" in school when it developed into me avoiding every situation where I had to speak in front of both people I knew and strangers.

[Moksha]

I don’t like the word shy. I never felt it captured my problems, not even as a child. It certainly doesn’t now. In any case, I don’t remember being described as shy, more “quiet”. Had a good child psychiatrist tracked me through my childhood and teens, he would have used the words ‘distant’, ‘detached’, ‘introverted’, ‘immature’, ‘overprotected’, ‘smothered’, ‘suspicious/paranoid’, ‘defensive’, ‘frightened’ and, above all, ‘avoidant’. Shy has never been a helpful or accurate description.

[AnxiousExtrovert]

Originally Posted by Jen.

I know I can seem quite "confident" in front of people I know well (and maybe online, but that might be more to do with being more direct than people are comfortable with, I don't know), but if also in the presence of people who don't know me I don't feel like I can ever be "myself". Like if I was with a few close friends I might be the one talking the most, but then if someone's friend who I'd never met were to join us, I'll clam up and listen to everyone else talk because I feel like I can't act any other way. If it was just me and the new person alone I'd probably be okay - it always seems to be the combination of being with people I'm familiar with plus strangers that causes difficulty. From discussions with my therapist I think it might have started when I moved to England just before primary school and being aware that my accent was different to everyone else's. I started to naturally develop a different accent in school as one would expect, but I'd still speak with the old accent at home where it gradually felt more and more unnatural. Whenever I was in the same place as my parents and anyone who wasn't my parents, I would get very, very anxious. Like if I was getting a lift somewhere with a friend by my dad, I'd usually try not to say anything in the car because I'd be anxious about my dad hearing how I spoke to my friend, and about my friend hearing how I spoke to my dad. It always felt like two worlds that couldn't be combined because of the stress it caused me, and that even though I was myself with either one or the other, I just couldn't be myself with both at the same time. This probably looked like "shyness" in school when it developed into me avoiding every situation where I had to speak in front of both people I knew and strangers.

I am very much like this. The reason for my screen name on here is because of it. I had to think of something quickly when signing up and I realized I prefer being outgoing when I am in my comfort zone but my anxiety is crippling at times.

I sometimes feel lost and I dont know who I really am because of it. It feels weird to be confident in certain atmospheres and then some people I feel so uncomfortable around I just want to withdraw and be more quiet.

[AnxiousExtrovert]

Originally Posted by Moksha

I don’t like the word shy. I never felt it captured my problems, not even as a child. It certainly doesn’t now. In any case, I don’t remember being described as shy, more “quiet”. Had a good child psychiatrist tracked me through my childhood and teens, he would have used the words ‘distant’, ‘detached’, ‘introverted’, ‘immature’, ‘overprotected’, ‘smothered’, ‘suspicious/paranoid’, ‘defensive’, ‘frightened’ and, above all, ‘avoidant’. Shy has never been a helpful or accurate description.

Yes its often a very unhelpful description which pigeon holes your personality and more to the point often inaccurately pigeon holes you.

The part I find annoying is usually when I notice someone doing it I think they are wrong and it actually says more about their judgement skills.

[humphrey]

I was always told I was shy, and got told not to mumble at people when I had to talk to anyone.

[sillypenguin]

Yeah like all the time! All the way through primary and secondary school, even in the workplace. I still identify as shy but I'm chatty when I want to be, it takes me a while to feel comfortable around new people but then social anxiety is a bitch

[scarlettgirl]

I was always described as shy, by teachers and students alike. I was bullied by other students for it who liked to call me a mute. I can't really blame them.

[Dougella]

^ It's never fair for someone to be bullied, even if they are very quiet. You shouldn't have had to go through that.

[jez9999]

Not so much shy as "anti-social" because I avoided social situations a lot. And it was always used with a very negative connotation.

[Vance]

I've pretty much always been described as shy and quiet but particularly as a child it was seen by others as my main identifying feature - " you're so shy, you're dead quiet, you never talk, why don't you talk, etc, etc".
If I could go back in time to my school days I'd wear a badge with a quote I discovered later in life:

Please do not underestimate me because I am quiet.
I know more than I say,
I think more than I speak
and I observe more than you know.

[AnxiousExtrovert]

Yes ive been described as shy many times in my early life.

Not always but usually when Im around more narcissistic people Ive seemed shy to them.

I often didnt used to understand it as a child because I saw it as just being well mannered or as I just said not narcisstic.

I even get it as im older where it isnt so much shy but people might point out certain things. "Oh you come across this way" and I dont really get it.

The pattern ive noticed though is that people who think or especially say things like that when they barely know you are usually not too smart or have some issues themselves.
Countless times ive had someone make a comment at me which has got me self conscious and questioning how i must come across. Then later down the line something happens to show that person has form for making such comments or being wrong a lot.