What goes through your mind if someone describes you as quiet

[Amara 94]

It doesn't seem to go well with me when someone says I'm quiet. It feels like I am being perceived as less than or uncool, not fitting in, even dull or plain.
I know that the thought though isn't rational.

[Tonkin]

Depends on the situation. Sometimes when I've been trying my best not to be quiet, then someone points out I'm quiet, I find that very frustrating. Like even when I'm trying, it's still not good enough.

But in any situation, I take it as criticism.

[Dougella]

This person doesn't know me or doesn't understand me.

[Jen.]

I remember it used to annoy me a lot in school when people (both students and teachers) would call attention to how I would appear to not be quiet at all when I was with one other person or a few close friends, and then be extremely quiet in a group. It probably is difficult not to judge a quiet person negatively in that scenario, so I don't really blame them. You'd probably think something was wrong with you if you saw someone being chatty and friendly with someone else and then as soon as you joined them they suddenly shut down.

[Moksha]

- You're boring
- You're weird
- You're a loser

It's such a nasty, spiteful thing to do. If someone is quiet, I feel sorry for them and do all I can to draw them into the conversation. To blurt out "you're quiet," is like saying "you've got a big nose." People usually say it to humiliate you.

[biscuits]

I don't think I'd mind. Sometimes I'm really chatty and sometimes I am really quiet. That's just how I am. If someone said I was smelly or cruel then I'd be affected.

It's a strange thing to point out, you wouldn't dream of saying, "Cor you don't half talk a lot!" to someone chatty.

I don't think people have negative intentions when they point it out. It's probably a nervous thing to try and fill the awkward silence or to check everything is okay.

[Pink*Lady]

Shut the eff up. I don't comment on how loud you are.

[twosocks]

I find it really ignorant and counterproductive.
I can understand if someones saying it to see if you're alright but then they could just ask if you're ok.

The moment i hear it it makes me want to get up and leave as i'd be too painfully self conscious to stick around and attempt to think of things to say or actually say them if i did manage it.
I'd feel very put on the spot.
If you wanted to say something to me to make me feel under an immense amount of pressure, that would probably be it.

[Mr. Nobody]

they obviously haven't heard me rip after a good curry and a few lagers,
nowt' quiet about them trumps.

[biscuits]

^ ohhh. I did not realise that people pointed that out! It’s like there’s some sort of secret acceptable-number-of-words-spoken-per-minute-o-meter.

I feel sad that being told you’re quiet is an upsetting thing to hear for lots of people here. I really like that I’m often quiet.

Yes, I agree that people aren’t saying it to be unkind. They will in all likelihood have no idea what effect it has. They maybe think that saying it will prompt you to talk a bit more. I always took it to mean, “I wish you spoke a bit more,” in an encouraging way.

I can be a bit too trusting though haha. I think when people are trying to be mean they’ll say something unkind with it.

[Dougella]

I think it can depend on who's saying it and the way they say it.

I've had people say "why are you being so quiet?" in an accusatory sort of tone before, whereas my partner sometimes says to me "are you alright, you seem a bit quiet" and that's him being caring and asking if anything's wrong. I've also had people tell me I'm quiet in a matter of fact observation kind of way.

[Tembo]

A lot of the time, the person saying it is coming from a good place, but it is rather tactless.

People wouldn’t say ‘you’re very loud’ to someone, so why is it acceptable to say it the other way around? The next time someone says it to me, I will be tempted to say ‘you’re quite loud’ in response. In a jokey way of course.

Sometimes, I’m not surprised, but people have said it to me during an occasion when I thought I was being engaged and chatty. It’s quite a kick to my self-confidence on those occasions. Especially as I feel when people use the word ‘quiet’ it can often mean ‘troubled’, ‘upset’ or ‘wierd’.

[biscuits]

^ & ^^ & ^^^ Ohhhh I see. I’ve not experienced this sort of negative treatment for being quiet. Maybe it’s the way I respond, so I know they’re just trying to get me out of my shell. I’m not sure.

Sorry that people have been made to feel bad about being quiet. Being quiet rocks.

[limey123]

The majority of people in society are extroverts. They thrive on conversation and social. If someone is quiet, or perceived as such, it can unnerve them. Drive them pretty mad, actually. I've seen it myself lots of times.

Quiet people are often perceived as being/assumed to be any number of things: snotty, aloof, superior, boring, stupid, naive, immature, weird, a failure, unconfident, non-assertive, sad...the list goes on.

I do get that some people will find quieter people harder to understand and/or get to know. They may seem "harder work" than other more outgoing people. Just because they're quiet, though, it does not mean they are thinking bad thoughts about others (which I think is sometimes (often?) thought to be the case), judging others or even plotting their doom. They simply have a very active internal dialogue, i.e. they are more inward focussed than outward focussed. But quiet/introverted people are equally as valuable as the louder folks and indeed society needs them. If nothing else as a balance. I daresay a good deal of human progress is down to quieter folks, as they have more time to think. Us quieter folks probably see a lot more going on around us because we're not so occupied with running our mouths off (see also below quotes). In our current society, we are all pretty much told we should be extroverts (or at least try to fake extroversion) if we want to "get ahead". In times past, the quietest man or woman could easily have been the village elder or a philosopher/sage.

I often have considerable periods of relative silence and this can make others wonder, e.g. colleagues. I was even told I sound the youngest in my team, when in fact, I am by far the oldest. At least some of that I am sure is down to my relative quietness and perhaps also a perceived weakness in asserting myself.

I have two favourite quotes on this subject:

Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.
-- Plato

Ein Kluger bemerkt alles – ein Dummer macht über alles eine Bemerkung.
--Heinrich Heine

[AnxiousExtrovert]

Originally Posted by Jen.

I remember it used to annoy me a lot in school when people (both students and teachers) would call attention to how I would appear to not be quiet at all when I was with one other person or a few close friends, and then be extremely quiet in a group. It probably is difficult not to judge a quiet person negatively in that scenario, so I don't really blame them. You'd probably think something was wrong with you if you saw someone being chatty and friendly with someone else and then as soon as you joined them they suddenly shut down.

I can be like this and certainly was a lot more when younger. To be honest as Im older I sometimes prefer myself to be quiet because when I get going I feel like I can come across either cocky, or overbearing or too confident. Of course its not true but that's how I feel sometimes from other reactions.

But when I was younger and I would show much more outgoing confident sides in certain company and be quiet in others, Perhaps others did think it was weird. I cant remember incidences where I was called quiet or weird for it. But I actually see it more that it shows to others that there is a side to you that is more "non quiet" .

I guess maybe I have felt certain negative perceptions by some in my life regarding quietness but I've always felt that's more a reflection on them if they dont know me. And the being completely different in others company and other people noticing that I have felt validates my point.

I have felt extremely irritated by people viewing me in a way that I am not considered by others. I guess I have been more focused on their ignorance than their perception because I have known I can be different.

[hellotiger]

I don’t get called quiet very often as I’m a nervous talker but when I do it’s when I’m in situations where I’m very paranoid about being judged like parties, social functions or work functions.
I do get called it though and I have a few defensive phrases I use against people “I’m just focused on listening”, “I’ll speak when I have something useful to add” etc. It’s not something you can explain to someone if they think you’re quiet. I’m quiet because I don’t feel comfortable with you and don’t want you to judge me.
I do think it’s tactless of a person to point out that someone is quiet but it doesn’t necessarily come from a bad place just an ignorance of what it’s like to feel that way. I’ve encountered many people I’ve thought were quiet but I didn’t point it out I just let them be.

[Tonkin]

One other thing that annoys me about people saying this, is that often they are doing it because they themselves have nothing to say and are using me as a conversation piece.

[TakeTheTime]

It makes me completely shut down when someone calls me quiet. Like, that's a sure fire way to make someone even quieter - drawing attention to it.

And it's so disheartening when I really put myself out there and am being what I would consider a "normal" level of talkative and then someone decides I'm being quiet. It's like, how dare you? I'm really trying. But hey, why bother?

[Introspheric87]

It depends on the person who is saying this. If its a trusted friend or family member then I don't take it as anything because I know its coming from a place if support. If its a random stranger then I am more critical as I don't know where the comment is coming from and I need to judge the tone to understand it. Some people associate quietness with being meek and therefore weak.
Being quiet is not always a negative just as how being loud isn't always a positive. You can't be quiet unless someone is being loud and you can't be loud unless someone is being quiet.

[I_love_otters]

Totally agree it depends who it's coming from. Big difference between a friend/family member saying you're a bit quiet and some stranger/acquaintance saying you don't say much do you? I hate these people, why do they feel the need to say anything - because they themselves have nothing interesting to say? Whats that old saying empty barrels make the most noise, in some cases couldn't agree more Sometimes I'm quite because I'm anxious and sometimes I'm quiet because I just don't want to talk to YOU!

One of the guys in the office once replied to someone who said this to him "maybe I'll liven up later", this cracked me up and shut her up too

[newbs16]

I haven't read all the comments but if someone describes me as quiet it is probably true at times, but people often say it's the quiet ones you have to watch as if I'm a bit off a odd person.

What does it even mean the quiet ones you have to watch?

[Jen.]

A friend of a parent said that about me in front of everyone when I was about 12. "It's always the quiet ones". WHAT always is? It made me feel like I was being accused of potentially murdering people or something.

[Mr. Nobody]

Nothing really, I can't argue with that, I AM quiet

Most conversation is quite predictable and 'vanilla'
If someone is a bit different, has a different energy and is saying something new then I'll perk up and join the conversation, ..

The human mind is so predictable though, half the time there's little point in joining the conversation, .it's all been said before, a million times.

Talking is revealing yourself in a sense,
So people probably are a bit wary of someone not revealing their thoughts, feelings, motives etc.
They possibly see the quiet, reserved person as an unknown, a threat of some kind.?

[scarlettgirl]

I get annoyed and paranoid and then feel very boring.
It doesn't help that at school one guy once said i didn't talk and was boring to my face. So yeah, confirms that fear.

[Messer]

What goes through my mind is that of all the things you could say I'm sorry you've chosen one that makes me feel dull and boring. I'm thinking it anyway, and now I think/know you are thinking it too.

[Marco]

This used to bother me much more when I was younger and genuinely tried to engage more with others, especially when I thought I was succeeding in being quite chatty. I mean, just what was expected of me to avoid being labelled as quiet - not let anyone else get a word in edgeways?! Now I can't be bothered even trying and don't care what people think in that regard. Maybe people tend to think of me as the strong silent type lol.

[Toxic]

I stopped caring after I was about 16-17.

It's not really any different to calling someone loud? either way the person doing the accusations sounds a bit of a nob so whatever.

It depends on the situation though, if your in a work environment and a group are talking about something you really have no idea about or interest. Well duh of course I'm going to be quiet!

[Laurel]

Originally Posted by Mr. Nobody

Nothing really, I can't argue with that, I AM quiet

Most conversation is quite predictable and 'vanilla'
If someone is a bit different, has a different energy and is saying something new then I'll perk up and join the conversation, ..

The human mind is so predictable though, half the time there's little point in joining the conversation, .it's all been said before, a million times.

Talking is revealing yourself in a sense,
So people probably are a bit wary of someone not revealing their thoughts, feelings, motives etc.
They possibly see the quiet, reserved person as an unknown, a threat of some kind.?

Ain't that the truth. Vast majority of conversations is inane rubbish.

[Green Swan]

If it's a friend or workmate, my first thought is that I have done or said something, or behaved in a certain way which makes them think I'm angry at them or am having a bad time.