Social Anxiety As a Result of Powerlessness

pinkwafer · #1 2nd November 2009, 18:57

I'm largely drawing on personal experience here but also from various accounts I've read of members of this site.

With me, I have very low self-esteem and self-confidence. I think little of myself. I'm unhappy with the way I look, this is what it mainly comes down to. So I'm in a position of relatively powerlessness - I have no job, I'm from a working class background, I aren't physically attractive and so cannot gain power through relations with people. I feel intimidated by a lot of people, people who other people wouldn't feel this way around.

But, when I'm around people I percieve to be similar to myself, I'm more relaxed, more confident, can talk better to them, feel more comfortable. I tend to judge people just by looking at them really, like I see a woman or a man who might not be neccessarily (sp!?) good looking but this person has an air of confidence about them, I might look at them and think 'vain' 'poser' or something similar and then I feel very shy around this person.

Does anyone else think that this is what they think their SA/shyness is the result of?

ShyDoll · #2 2nd November 2009, 19:02

I think mine is powerlessness too a bit. It started to get baaaad when I was picked on in middle school, aged 9ish. I got bullied and could do nothing about it.
The teachers didnt help and I was literally helpless. I coped with it through middle school til high school.
That was when I couldnt cope at all and dropped out. Again, teachers wouldnt help so once again I was powerless. Then my SA really began to develop =( I see this now. And I guess ever since then it's got worse and worse and theres been nothing to counteract against it.

I do feel like I have some power now. I've got to grips with the fact that those bullies were just idiots and what they said wasnt true and I was just an easy target (overweight, wonky teeth, un-pronouncable last name etc). And since I was about 17/18 i've managed to do a lot of stuff i'd never have dreamt about doing when I was 13ish.

Sorry for the long post!

pinkwafer · #3 2nd November 2009, 19:06

No am glad you responded cos have been thinking it a while now, I feel pretty powerless on this site lol or in a position of low power/status is perhaps a better way of saying it.

I'm glad you understood what I meant, thats the trouble with me, I know what I mean in my head but I find it hard to explain it.

piesJoy · #4 2nd November 2009, 19:07

some of what you say rings true, the working class thing. funny thing is when i look back i felt even lower. lower than everything. At one point in my life i used to have a badly paid job, and feel bugger all about myself. as the years went on i thought ' i'll go to college and maybe uni' then that will make me feel better about myself, compared (maybe what i was thinking) with other people. as it turned out, even though i did those things, i still cracked and lost the plot :S. sorry, not exactly an encouraging reply.
i did, however come away from that experience thinking status is not always in line with happiness re: other people!

ShyDoll · #5 2nd November 2009, 19:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by becky1789

No am glad you responded cos have been thinking it a while now, I feel pretty powerless on this site lol or in a position of low power/status is perhaps a better way of saying it.

I'm glad you understood what I meant, thats the trouble with me, I know what I mean in my head but I find it hard to explain it.

Aww you shouldnt feel that way on this site! Everyone's feeling that and this is a place where you neednt feel that!

we're all in the same boat on this site, even if it doesnt seem like it.

Tailgate · #6 2nd November 2009, 19:11

My SA has only really come to the surface this last year or so for various reasons, round about the same time my feelings of self confidence and self worth plummeted through the floor along with a drastic increase in my feelings of powerlessness.

Prior to September last year I'd have probably described myself as just being shy.

WalkinTall · #7 2nd November 2009, 20:57

Quote:

Originally Posted by becky1789

With me, I have very low self-esteem and self-confidence. I think little of myself. I'm unhappy with the way I look, this is what it mainly comes down to.

This is basically the reason for my anxiety too.

I just can't think positively about myself or my appearance for any extended period of time. Everytime I look in the mirror I just feel like shit to be honest. I know its a bit irrational but its how it is. I get angry with myself for being so obsessed with looks etc. People have called me vain but I'm not, I'm just very self conscious!

I am able to be sociable and fairly outgoing when I'm with my closest friends. But as soon as I meet people who are better looking or have more confidence or a good job, I just feel totally inferior. Pathetic isn't it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by becky1789

I tend to judge people just by looking at them really, like I see a woman or a man who might not be neccessarily (sp!?) good looking but this person has an air of confidence about them, I might look at them and think 'vain' 'poser' or something similar

I am quite judgmental too. I think its because when you spend so much time scrutinizing yourself, you are more inclined to do the same with other people.

artist23 · #8 2nd November 2009, 21:23

you shouldnt feel powerless like some sort of inferior complex, a lot of so called confident people are uncomfortable with shy people coz they dont wanna be confronted by their deep down shyness they feel but dont like admitting to. if it makes sense!

pinkwafer · #9 2nd November 2009, 22:34

I don't get that multi-quote thing so I can't use to, if I could I would.

thank you for your responses. I am glad that some of you feel the way I do, it makes me not feel isolated.

bakerosaurus · #10 3rd November 2009, 01:40

do you not think that its not necessaraly powerlessness but the self doubt and self critisim, low self worth, irrational behaviour that actually creates an image of powerlessness. For example you percive yourself to be unattractive, you percive this stero-type working class image of yourself you percive these things and think I can't change them so you dont. If you looked in the mirror and said I am attractive, if you swapped these statments around and said them with the same frequency you do now. If you found evidence to support these statments e.g I look good today because or that person checked me out etc. And dissmissed the bad thoughts. you would believe yourself to be attractive its the same with ANYTHING. Obviously because we have SA this is very hard to do but its how normal people work, someone wrote on here the other day ''all 'normal' people have a positive undoubted self image of themselves''.

I'm not going to lie I find it extremly hard to do that. But im working on it!

bakerosaurus · #11 3rd November 2009, 01:53

p.s i missed a point you made about nervousness infront of differnet kinds of people.

I found that I am nervous in front of more confident/goodlooking/authority fiigures because I feel I have to impress them more than someone who I perceeve is not this. Almost like wanting to be friends with the 'cool kid' in school, kids wanted to be friends with this person more because his/her attributes command alot of attention and respect. If this person likes you it feels alot more rewarding and you almost feel equal to that person because they respond and like you. I think its called 'social classes' or something like that.

micgrace · #12 3rd November 2009, 04:18

Quote:

Originally Posted by bakerosaurus

p.s i missed a point you made about nervousness infront of differnet kinds of people.

I found that I am nervous in front of more confident/goodlooking/authority fiigures because I feel I have to impress them more than someone who I perceeve is not this. Almost like wanting to be friends with the 'cool kid' in school, kids wanted to be friends with this person more because his/her attributes command alot of attention and respect. If this person likes you it feels alot more rewarding and you almost feel equal to that person because they respond and like you. I think its called 'social classes' or something like that.

I can start stuttering and mumbling if their status is high enough. I really don't know why. But it sure is embarassing.

pinkwafer · #13 3rd November 2009, 18:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by bakerosaurus

do you not think that its not necessaraly powerlessness but the self doubt and self critisim, low self worth, irrational behaviour that actually creates an image of powerlessness. For example you percive yourself to be unattractive, you percive this stero-type working class image of yourself you percive these things and think I can't change them so you dont. If you looked in the mirror and said I am attractive, if you swapped these statments around and said them with the same frequency you do now. If you found evidence to support these statments e.g I look good today because or that person checked me out etc. And dissmissed the bad thoughts. you would believe yourself to be attractive its the same with ANYTHING. Obviously because we have SA this is very hard to do but its how normal people work, someone wrote on here the other day ''all 'normal' people have a positive undoubted self image of themselves''.

I'm not going to lie I find it extremly hard to do that. But im working on it!

Yeah I get what you're saying, its all about how we perceive (sp?) oursleves. Like some people for example, seem to think they're very attractive when they really aren't.

But I know what I am and what I am not.

But yeah, if I was good looking, I would feel more powerful. This isn't about how I see myself, its how I know I am and look. I think that power is inseperable to these other feelings.

hardy · #14 4th November 2009, 12:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by becky1789

I'm largely drawing on personal experience here but also from various accounts I've read of members of this site.

With me, I have very low self-esteem and self-confidence. I think little of myself. I'm unhappy with the way I look, this is what it mainly comes down to. So I'm in a position of relatively powerlessness - I have no job, I'm from a working class background, I aren't physically attractive and so cannot gain power through relations with people. I feel intimidated by a lot of people, people who other people wouldn't feel this way around.

But, when I'm around people I percieve to be similar to myself, I'm more relaxed, more confident, can talk better to them, feel more comfortable. I tend to judge people just by looking at them really, like I see a woman or a man who might not be neccessarily (sp!?) good looking but this person has an air of confidence about them, I might look at them and think 'vain' 'poser' or something similar and then I feel very shy around this person.

Does anyone else think that this is what they think their SA/shyness is the result of?

Your not powerless . Youre assuming that your background and looks are holding you back. but that is a big assumption .Its not reality.
Its like youre afraid to go in the woods because you think theres a tiger there . How do you KNOW that others dont like your appearance or background? ( that the tiger is there)

pinkwafer · #15 4th November 2009, 18:28

About my background, it's probably quite complex really, to some people I think having my accent is a novelty. I know I am true in saying that some people look down on others who have a local accent. But it's more than about my accent, its my way of being. And it is this that puts me below other people. But not all people.

I know, sometimes I think, there's people more minging than me, it could be worse.

bakerosaurus · #16 4th November 2009, 18:28

[QUOTE=hardy;831754]Your not powerless . Youre assuming that your background and looks are holding you back. but that is a big assumption .Its not reality.
Its like youre afraid to go in the woods because you think theres a tiger there . How do you KNOW that others dont like your appearance or background? ( that the tiger is there)[/QUOTE

great point.

Quote:

Originally Posted by becky1789

Yeah I get what you're saying, its all about how we perceive (sp?) oursleves. Like some people for example, seem to think they're very attractive when they really aren't.

But I know what I am and what I am not.

But yeah, if I was good looking, I would feel more powerful. This isn't about how I see myself, its how I know I am and look. I think that power is inseperable to these other feelings.

do mean 'power' in very simplistic terms i.e increasing your looks might get more attention therfor power over some guys who think your attractive? or do you mean changing your looks would enable you to have more contol/power over yourself and your life?

pinkwafer · #17 4th November 2009, 18:31

I meant power in the sense that status brings with it and the benefits of that. In the way that I'd have more control over things.

piesJoy · #18 4th November 2009, 18:36

what does multi quote mean, is it when you reply to peeps um... replies....all in one go?

pinkwafer · #19 4th November 2009, 18:47

yes when it looks a bit like this:

becky1789 '...I'm stinky...'

Joe1236 'really, I bet'

piesJoy · #20 4th November 2009, 18:52

ah okays

hardy · #21 5th November 2009, 13:13

but you still havent proved that looks and background are not just an advantage rather than the be all and end all.

pinkwafer · #22 5th November 2009, 20:46

Mister, you know as well as I do that if you are beautiful and rich, life is goooood.

WalkinTall · #23 5th November 2009, 21:14

Quote:

Originally Posted by becky1789

Mister, you know as well as I do that if you are beautiful and rich, life is goooood.

Very true

bakerosaurus · #24 6th November 2009, 00:59

Quote:

Originally Posted by becky1789

Mister, you know as well as I do that if you are beautiful and rich, life is goooood.

making yourself rich, good looking wouldn't change a thing about you, you'd still have SA, you'd still feel insecure and you'd still may even doubt your looks. These things would change how people see you but not how you'd see yourself.

pinkwafer · #25 6th November 2009, 12:36

No I don't think so at all. If other people saw me as beautiful I'd see myself as beautiful, after all its other people's comments on me that has shaped my perception of myself.

hardy · #26 6th November 2009, 13:03

Quote:

Originally Posted by becky1789

Mister, you know as well as I do that if you are beautiful and rich, life is goooood.

Not true aotomatically. Its an unfair advantage and true for some of them . But the vast majority of happy people are average in every way except they have confidence. many of them downright ugly and inarticulate.

Plus you cant judge how most people see you by how you see yourself or by what some people say. I bet less than 10 people have criticed your apearance or speech . Yet if 30 of us came on here and said you looked ok ,you wouldn't believe it which proves your bias.

pinkwafer · #27 6th November 2009, 13:06

Because I'd know you were just saying it because I said that, like when your friend says 'I'm fat' you automatically say 'Your not'.

I know its not completely true what I said about bin rich and attractive, but it would certainly work to most people's advantage.

hardy · #28 6th November 2009, 13:44

see what I mean?!! bullet proof bias before I even asked for 30 votes lol. I rest my case.

bakerosaurus · #29 7th November 2009, 12:02

Quote:

Originally Posted by snooze

i agree, although i guess being beautiful and having lots of money would give you the confidence to fight SA, you'd soon find something else you'd want to change about yourself or blame the SA on....

money I can agree with, it gives you options, the ability to buy a top psychiatrist, do nothing with you day apart from learn about SA and practise techniques etc. But that in its self requires alot of willpower,motivation and focus. The same with looks, the most beautiful girl in the world STILL looks in the mirror some days and says 'god I look awful' or has a bad picture put in the press if there famous, but the turn it around in there HEAD, with thoughts and confidence. Not by looking in the mirror and proving to herself she is attractive and that is basically the differnce.

It is more 'powerful' to believe you have these things than to actually have them. If that makes sense.