#1
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problem with 17 year old son
Hello, I need some advice.
My 17 year old son left school in August. He is very shy, and lacks confidence. He hardly ever goes out, he has just one friend from school, who comes to see him very occassionally. I have tried to encourage him to get a job, but he wont even try. He says it is pointless. He has a very negative attitude, he says it is gods fault that everything seems to go wrong. He now seems to be more withdrawn, and i think he is getting depressed. I am quite worried, and dont know what to do. If i try to talk to him about it, he will go upstairs and lock himself away. I know some of this is our fault, because we (my wife and I) would be too soft with him. He didnt go on work experience, because he said he was not well, i should have made him go. Things like clubs, he would not join because he didnt like people. I think that is where the problem is, he lacks confindence with people. I dont know what direction to take. I asking him to do some charity work with me, say in a shop. but he disregarded it again. what can i do? |
#2
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Re: problem with 17 year old son
Hi. I don't think your son is getting depressed, but is probably already depressed. I was depressed and socially anxious as a teenager and can remember my parents nagging me to be more social. All this did was make me feel more inadequate and anxious, and frustrated that they didn't seem interested in getting to the root of the problem, but instead covering it up.
I think your son wants you to recognise how bad things are really getting. Even if it doesn't seem this way at the moment, I do think he wants you to help him. If he remains in this vicious cycle of isolating himself, obviously this will further damage his confidence and his general outlook. I think you should persist with trying to talk to him about the root of this anxiety and how it really affects him (and if necessary seek help), rather than trying to get him to find a job and hoping the problem mends itself that way. |
#3
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Re: problem with 17 year old son
I can imagine what you're going through. I was similar to your son at 17 (except I went to 6th form). My mum used to also blame herself for "being too soft" but I don't think this is the problem at all. The problem, I think, is that your son is scared of people and new situations. No amount of pushing or pressure is going to change this (it will probably make him more depressed and isolated). A good idea might be to casually say you've seen this information about social anxiety, tell him you love him and want him to be happy and if he thinks he has SA you'll help him to get help for it. 17 year olds aren't easy at the best of times, so don't be surprised if he reacts badly/emotionally to that, just let him know that you're there to help him when he feels he's ready.
ren |
#4
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Re: problem with 17 year old son
many thanks for your help. What ways did you cope with the problem?
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#5
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Re: problem with 17 year old son
To be honest, cramy, I didn't cope very well with my problems, but that's partly because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I forced myself to go to Uni, get jobs etc and ended up having a breakdown. Since discovering what was wrong with me I have started to improve. I wish I could tell you that your son will get better and be "normal" but unfortunately he'll probably struggle with these problems all his life, but there is support and help out there.
I think it's important for your son to think about what he wants from life. It's very easy to become avoidant and stay away from people, but usually avoidant people want things that "normal" people want, but supress those wants, thinking they'll never be able to have those things (job, girlfriend, friends) so don't aspire to them. I think once he's able to identify what he wants he will have more of a goal to get better. Sorry, I wish I could offer you more hope, but getting him to understand what's wrong might be half the battle. ren |