I want friends but I don't want friends?

dave81uk · #1 15th August 2015, 20:02

Sounds kind of odd this, but as an example its Saturday night wouldn't it be nice to go out to a beer garden and have a few drinks and laughs with friends, but here I am sat at home bored having a beer by myself as I do every Saturday night. Or perhaps someone to go out walking or running with, the list could go on really

It would be nice to have friends but then its a lot of effort to keep friends isn't it?

Anyone else feel like this?

J Stabler · #2 15th August 2015, 20:14

Its not odd at all, do you think you could join a club or something? Its hard to make friends but its even harder to make good friends. Am alone most of the time but i go to the gym and go out for a few drinks here and there with friends or close family. Its normally friends I haven't seen in ages or have known for years I wouldn't say I have a great deal of close friends as I am quite reclusive myself. Join a running club if there's one nearby you, there's not a lot of pressure to talk to people but its a good start to talking to new people and maybe gradually starting a new freindship wth someone.

Indigo_ · #3 15th August 2015, 20:16

It doesn't sound odd to me Dave. I've always thought that I've wanted friends. But I want friends on my own terms. So I want to socialise when I feel like it and the rest of the time I just want to be left alone basically. Not in an anti-social way or anything but I need to have a balance of being around people (which can be quite tiring sometimes) and spending some time on my own.

You do have to put the effort in to maintain friendships and keep them going. If you don't put the effort in then you will lose them.

dave81uk · #4 15th August 2015, 20:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by HelloSunshine

It doesn't sound odd to me Dave. I've always thought that I've wanted friends. But I want friends on my own terms. So I want to socialise when I feel like it and the rest of the time I just want to be left alone basically. Not in an anti-social way or anything but I need to have a balance of being around people (which can be quite tiring sometimes) and spending some time on my own.

You do have to put the effort in to maintain friendships and keep them going. If you don't put the effort in then you will lose them.

This was how I lost my friends in the past, I wanted friend on my terms, they would suggest doing things and I just wanted to be left alone, this went on for a while until they gave up on me. I guess for the most part I still want to be left alone but occasionally I'd like friends.

dave81uk · #5 15th August 2015, 20:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by J Stabler

Its not odd at all, do you think you could join a club or something? Its hard to make friends but its even harder to make good friends. Am alone most of the time but i go to the gym and go out for a few drinks here and there with friends or close family. Its normally friends I haven't seen in ages or have known for years I wouldn't say I have a great deal of close friends as I am quite reclusive myself. Join a running club if there's one nearby you, there's not a lot of pressure to talk to people but its a good start to talking to new people and maybe gradually starting a new freindship wth someone.

I've found with these things in the past they are quite cliquey if you know what I mean, most people know each other from outside the club and so stick together. I'd love to get into something though, I think it would really help me, something exercise related because I find it damn near impossible to motivate myself to go for a run, doing it with someone else would be good motivation.

Indigo_ · #6 15th August 2015, 20:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by dave81uk

This was how I lost my friends in the past, I wanted friend on my terms, they would suggest doing things and I just wanted to be left alone, this went on for a while until they gave up on me. I guess for the most part I still want to be left alone but occasionally I'd like friends.

Yep, exact same thing happened to me. I didn't realise I had SA during my teens but basically just wanted to be left alone because I felt too anxious to socialise. I made no effort with any of my friends and in the end they all just disappeared. Not their fault of course, I pushed them away. By the time I realised I was lonely, it was too late.

dave81uk · #7 15th August 2015, 20:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by HelloSunshine

Yep, exact same thing happened to me. I didn't realise I had SA during my teens but basically just wanted to be left alone because I felt too anxious to socialise. I made no effort with any of my friends and in the end they all just disappeared. Not their fault of course, I pushed them away. By the time I realised I was lonely, it was too late.

Yes me exactly. It was also in my teens that the damage was done.

Indigo_ · #8 15th August 2015, 20:29

My friends at the time persevered for a while. I came up with so many excuses as to why I couldn't go to places that I think they gave up and left me alone. I thought I'd feel happy about that. No more invites to places I didn't want to go. I just felt isolated instead.

dave81uk · #9 15th August 2015, 20:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by HelloSunshine

My friends at the time persevered for a while. I came up with so many excuses as to why I couldn't go to places that I think they gave up and left me alone. I thought I'd feel happy about that. No more invites to places I didn't want to go. I just felt isolated instead.

Yes mine were the same although looking back I think don't exactly think they were real friends anyway. 9 times out of 10 if they were looking me to go somewhere or do something it was for their benefit, they were looking something from me. Which could of been why I cut myself off from them

Indigo_ · #10 15th August 2015, 20:35

You had a far better reason to cut yourself off from them than I did then

Amy236 · #11 15th August 2015, 20:45

There,s nothing wrong with wanting time on your own.....is there?? Even people who have lots of friends don,t see them all the time.
Maybe people with SA are actually loners by nature. (Just thinking out loud here) but even loners want company sometimes - when it suits them. I know I love having peace and quiet but sometimes I do want people around. But if I,m honest I guess that I prefer being on my own around 70% of the time.

dave81uk · #12 15th August 2015, 20:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amy236

There,s nothing wrong with wanting time on your own.....is there?? Even people who have lots of friends don,t see them all the time.
Maybe people with SA are actually loners by nature. (Just thinking out loud here) but even loners want company sometimes - when it suits them. I know I love having peace and quiet but sometimes I do want people around. But if I,m honest I guess that I prefer being on my own around 70% of the time.

Yes exactly the same as myself. The issue is friendships have to be maintained or else people start looking elsewhere for friends.

Amy236 · #13 15th August 2015, 20:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by dave81uk

Yes exactly the same as myself. The issue is friendships have to be maintained or else people start looking elsewhere for friends.

Well very few people want to be friends with me so I don,t have much maintaining to do. I find that the friends I do have want a friendship on their terms, not mine.

dave81uk · #14 15th August 2015, 20:57

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amy236

Well very few people want to be friends with me so I don,t have much maintaining to do. I find that the friends I do have want a friendship on their terms, not mine.

Yep I had the exact same issues.

Amy236 · #15 15th August 2015, 21:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by dave81uk

Yep I had the exact same issues.

It's really sad isn't,t it. I find it's a dark place I can,t let myself fall into. Most people who meet me would never guess how I feel,. I cry alone. I guess men don,t cry. So how do the men out there deal with it?

dave81uk · #16 15th August 2015, 21:04

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amy236

It's really sad isn't,t it. I find it's a dark place I can,t let myself fall into. Most people who meet me would never guess how I feel,. I cry alone. I guess men don,t cry. So how do the men out there deal with it?

I'm drinking at the moment by myself, perhaps that's how? I don't cry I just internalize everything and get depressed.

Amy236 · #17 15th August 2015, 21:10

Ahh Dave, but you,re not only drinking by yourself. You,re drinking whilst talking on this site. Multi tasking! ***55357;***56842;

dave81uk · #18 15th August 2015, 21:11

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amy236

Ahh Dave, but you,re not only drinking by yourself. You,re drinking whilst talking on this site. Multi tasking! ***65533;***65533;

And they say men can't multi task lol

Amy236 · #19 15th August 2015, 21:17

You,re a phenomenon

dave81uk · #20 15th August 2015, 21:21

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amy236

You,re a phenomenon

Wouldn't go that far now

Memory · #21 15th August 2015, 21:23

It is a lot of effort to keep friends and I don't think I have the headspace and energy to have more than a couple of good friends (if I should ever be so lucky). One of the few things that makes me feel better about my lack of friends is that most of the time I do just want to be on my own. Being around people is just so tiring, even if it would be nice to have friends to hang out with and talk to properly.

flumpsy · #22 15th August 2015, 21:28

I used to have lots but as my SA got worse I kind of dropped them one by one, I am now left with a couple of good ones but they must be fed up with me never going out to see them.

One of my good mates lives over the road and knows about my SA so I can not answer the phone to him for weeks but then still go over randomly at 3am when I suddenly feel social.

Now I try to stop friends developing past the point where I feel obligated to attend things with them. I keep them at a bit of a distance, but am very close to them online. Sounds like a terrible thing to do now that I type it out

A good friend will understand your SA though and make allowances, hopefully anyway.

Amy236 · #23 15th August 2015, 21:30

After years of rejection. I don,t even try now. The last time was earlier this year. Someone was having a really bad time. I offered to go with her to do something that I won,t share on here, but wasn't nice. She declined. But sent a text saying how lovely I had been. Knowing she didn't want visitors I left a bottle of wine and some flowers on her doorstep with a little note saying. Hope this helps. To know someone cares. Here for you if you need me.

And ....she,s okay again now. But not a text...call...coffee...nothing. Can anyone tell me what I did wrong?
..

Northern Natterer · #24 15th August 2015, 21:31

Yes, definitely. I can be happy some days just sitting at home and then other days I feel desperately lonely and wonder how I can change things so I didn't feel so awkward and tired and anxious if I did go out more.

dave81uk · #25 15th August 2015, 21:32

Quote:

Originally Posted by Memory

It is a lot of effort to keep friends and I don't think I have the headspace and energy to have more than a couple of good friends (if I should ever be so lucky). One of the few things that makes me feel better about my lack of friends is that most of the time I do just want to be on my own. Being around people is just so tiring, even if it would be nice to have friends to hang out with and talk to properly.

It is a lot of effort, I also find it tiring to be honest, and I've had friends in the past but even then I haven't been able to fully relax and be myself.

Amy236 · #26 15th August 2015, 21:33

One of my good mates lives over the road and knows about my SA so I can not answer the phone to him for weeks but then still go over randomly at 3am when I suddenly feel social.

and he lets you in? At 3am? That's a Great friend.

)

Z. · #27 15th August 2015, 21:34

If you want friends, just make sure they are of good quality; don't just seek out "friends" to just relieve loneliness. That often makes you feel more lonely, when in the company of those you can't relate to.

dave81uk · #28 15th August 2015, 21:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amy236

After years of rejection. I don,t even try now. The last time was earlier this year. Someone was having a really bad time. I offered to go with her to do something that I won,t share on here, but wasn't nice. She declined. But sent a text saying how lovely I had been. Knowing she didn't want visitors I left a bottle of wine and some flowers on her doorstep with a little note saying. Hope this helps. To know someone cares. Here for you if you need me.

And ....she,s okay again now. But not a text...call...coffee...nothing. Can anyone tell me what I did wrong?
..

That was lovely, You did more than I would off. I don't think you did anything wrong, thats just people for you I guess and probably why I don't let myself get to close to anyone because things like this happen.

Memory · #29 15th August 2015, 21:37

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amy236

After years of rejection. I don,t even try now. The last time was earlier this year. Someone was having a really bad time. I offered to go with her to do something that I won,t share on here, but wasn't nice. She declined. But sent a text saying how lovely I had been. Knowing she didn't want visitors I left a bottle of wine and some flowers on her doorstep with a little note saying. Hope this helps. To know someone cares. Here for you if you need me.

And ....she,s okay again now. But not a text...call...coffee...nothing. Can anyone tell me what I did wrong?
..

You didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like you were being a real friend and respecting your friend's wishes. Don't beat yourself up about this. I don't understand how friendships can change so quickly just like that, even when you've done everything right.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dave81uk

I've had friends in the past but even then I haven't been able to fully relax and be myself.

Yeah, exactly the same.

eMe · #30 15th August 2015, 21:37

Guess it has to be a 2 way thing...which is the thing. If you only have friends on your terms or meet when you feel like it, its never going to work as may not suit the others or indeed they may not feel like it at the time. You sort of have to go out of you way to make it work such is the give/take necessity. I was in a group of six friends for many years, which was a tight group. When I began missing some things over time I felt more and more distant from the group, then any things I did go to I didn't feel as much a part of the group as before and so it went on till I felt totally lost in the group.