Anyone scared of people they find attractive?

[dave81uk]

This is something I've always suffered with. Anyone i find attractive I can't even make eye contact with let alone talk to them. I put them on such a high pedestal. And God forbid they'd talk to me I'd embarrass myself by turning into a stuttering fool.

And then you hear them taking to others and 9 times out of 10 they are just normal down to earth people and nothing to be scared of.

Anyone else like this.

[Mr. Nobody]

I think this comes from the urge to control and perfectionism?
Wanting to control a favourable or perfect outcome, there's a tendency to avoid reality,
With reality you see your lack of perfection and the other's lack of perfection,
You imagine the other to be perfect to fulfil your desire and so avoid anything that will show otherwise
But more so, you want yourself to be perfect to gain admiration and desire from others
I think it's basically avoidance of reality in order to maintain this ideal we have of romance,
It's this control and avoidance that's creating the anxiety,

What's needed is to watch everything, and accept what you see , let the chips fall where they may.
Reality destroys our dreams, but we have so much invested in those dreams we get nervous about it all,
Maybe we won't be able to bear what we see, in ourselves and in others?

Just an opinion right enough,

[GoldFish]

Nope!
Used to, but not these days.

Firstly, remember that if you were to work with these people on a daily basis, side by side, you would quickly just get used to them as people and the whole concept of how they look no longer matters as much at all. Looks are usually a very fleeting thing, unless that person uses their sexiness in a big way, in which case that would be intimidating and it might be really hard to figure the real person under the facade.

Because, firstly, I know that I am not really on their radar anyway, unless they need something, lol. Overall I'm not cool enough or quite good looking enough to be involved in their world of social importance, so by default I feel good, I can go about just being myself instead and revealing my nerdy side, because i have nothing to lose in that aspect. Because I don't have their level of social hierarchy, i can try the nerdy/empath approach, because often it will bring that side out of them. Often good lookers seem sort of stuck in this weird social media/superficial world a lot. I try my best to break them out of it and I can often get them into a more nerdy/practical mode instead. Because i don't really care about all of that other stuff, gossip, office politics etc, so it's easier for me to find their more normal/quiter side.

Every single time in the past when I had a crush over someone with a huge personality or they were great looking, that person always had other people wanting to ask them out, and usually, those other people had more desirable traits, so it's a foregone conclusion, the confident looker will prefer the other people, just because that's almost how it always works in a cliched sense, not everything is cliched, some things are a paradox, but usually, things are really cliched, as in, "life is imitating bad television", "sometimes it's even worse than life imitating bad television", people can literally be that shallow and predictable.

So it's about trying to figure out what is happening in your environment early on, making a logical judgement about the situation and then deciding if the person is worth the challenge in a dating sense, a friendship or acquaintance sense.

I think the important thing is finding someone you relate to a bit more, that often creates a better connection than crushing on someone who is more in-line with social hierarchy, popularity, status obsessed.

If your values/interests are very different it will make things hard.

Try to find people that aline closer to your own values and hobbies, it helps a little bit.

[Bertignac]

Don't worry, you're not the only one. I used to freeze and become mute around men I found very attractive. My voice and my brain would fail me completely. I'm less so now that I'm happily married. But being married doesn't mean you don't find other people attractive. And I still get this overwhelming urge to hide when I'm in the presence of someone I have a crush on.
I think it's quite common SA wise. I get it a lot too when I'm around people whom I am not attracted to, but who are very clever, witty and well-spoken because I feel inferior to them.
I've no useful advice, unfortunately. I just wanted to say you're definitely not alone. I'm new at managing my SA, I've not tried medication, nor CBT, nor any other therapy.
Well done for posting and for sharing though. It helps me too to know I'm not alone. I've yet to follow in your steps

[A Whimsical Stranger]

I'm terrified of them. I think possibly because I like to feel in control, and being around someone who has such an effect on me rattles my nerves. It's rare for me to find someone attractive to that degree though thank God.

[dave81uk]

Originally Posted by speakfriend

Don't worry, you're not the only one. I used to freeze and become mute around men I found very attractive. My voice and my brain would fail me completely. I'm less so now that I'm happily married. But being married doesn't mean you don't find other people attractive. And I still get this overwhelming urge to hide when I'm in the presence of someone I have a crush on.
I think it's quite common SA wise. I get it a lot too when I'm around people whom I am not attracted to, but who are very clever, witty and well-spoken because I feel inferior to them.
I've no useful advice, unfortunately. I just wanted to say you're definitely not alone. I'm new at managing my SA, I've not tried medication, nor CBT, nor any other therapy.
Well done for posting and for sharing though. It helps me too to know I'm not alone. I've yet to follow in your steps

I’m married myself.

But for example walked into the chemist today to lift a prescription, this stunning blonde 20 something, “Can I help you” me “ yes a prescription lift” yep when I’m nervous I cock up my words I didn’t leave words out above on purpose that’s what I came out with.

Or one of my finest moments, I was involved in a car accident earlier in the year, got sent to a physio, I wasn’t expecting much, most physios are oldies right? I’ve no issues with oldies, so sitting in waiting room this tanned goddess walks in “Dave follow me” she takes me into a cubicle, “ can you take your top of please” she has to check my shoulders, but this has all the makings of a porn movie right here lol. she makes small talk, very nice girl she was but I couldn’t speak to her, 1 word answers like a 10 year old child, felt so damn embarrassed after it.

[Bertignac]

Originally Posted by dave81uk

I’m married myself.

But for example walked into the chemist today to lift a prescription, this stunning blonde 20 something, “Can I help you” me “ yes a prescription lift” yep when I’m nervous I cock up my words I didn’t leave words out above on purpose that’s what I came out with.

Or one of my finest moments, I was involved in a car accident earlier in the year, got sent to a physio, I wasn’t expecting much, most physios are oldies right? I’ve no issues with oldies, so sitting in waiting room this tanned goddess walks in “Dave follow me” she takes me into a cubicle, “ can you take your top of please” she has to check my shoulders, but this has all the makings of a porn movie right here lol. she makes small talk, very nice girl she was but I couldn’t speak to her, 1 word answers like a 10 year old child, felt so damn embarrassed after it.

sorry I know it's not funny. But you tell your stories in such a funny way. I'm no stranger to excruciating embarrassment due to muddled speech or muddled brain. All I can say is you have my sympathy. And from an oustider's point of view, it's actually quite cute

[dave81uk]

Originally Posted by speakfriend

sorry I know it's not funny. But you tell your stories in such a funny way. I'm no stranger to excruciating embarrassment due to muddled speech or muddled brain. All I can say is you have my sympathy. And from an oustider's point of view, it's actually quite cute

Thanks yes I can make fun of it now but at the time it was anything but.

[newbs16]

I am just scared of most people.

[Tom Morello]

If they're super attractive aka hot then I actually find it easier to talk to them, maybe it's because they're usually more self confident and approachable, either that or I realise they're out of my league so there's less pressure.
It's harder around moderately attractive people as I may have half a chance if I play my cards right - which I never do.

[endo_endo]

My heart pumps faster but it's not the same as my normal SA stuff. I get very proper and become a very formal person. If i push beyond that it's because i like the person a lot and find them attractive as a person say rather then pretty ( more superficial attraction )

[Tembo]

I am a bit, but not as bad as I used to be.

Thankfully I haven't found anyone attractive for a long time - they all seem to move to London

Seriously though, I am a lot better with people I find attractive. With people I don't know well, being attractive certainly doesn't necessarily mean they will be a kind or interesting person, so there is no point putting them on pedestals. When i've become attracted to someone over time, its not so bad as i've already got to know them and feel comfortable around them.

[Jane Doe]

I've always been scared of attractive people, especially men. It's because I've always been aware that I don't fit into the "ideal sexy, super slim beauty" category, and I think that every attractive man who sees me finds me repulsive.
I'll also cross the road to avoid walking past a good looking man and if I'm shopping I'll try to choose shops with female staff.

People of both genders who are confident, successful and intelligent scare me too because I think that they are better than me, and I feel like they are ultra aware of my flaws. Logically l know that they, like most people, are more concerned with the things in their own lives to pick apart a stranger but I can't help projecting the negative feelings I have about myself onto them.

[T]

Yes i just go to pieces if i find them attractive mostly i don't say a word and go into my shell and then it looks like i'm not interested in them

[Kipper]

Yes indeed I know where you're coming from Dave. Despite being married and over 60 I have always been in awe of and embarrassed by attractive women. I feel very small and insignificant around them , even though I know beauty is only skin deep. I too will generally avoid talking to them unless I really have to. Silly really !

[Oddity]

I am I think.

They're more scared of me though which is understandable.

[gregarious_introvert]

I'm not scared of people I find attractive, but I do try to hide the fact that I'm attracted to them and would never be able to raise the question of a date or a relationship; however, I'm only truly attracted to people once I get to know them a little, so I would have to be able to communicate with them in order to feel that attraction.

[slrrrrp]

It's just another thing that makes me clumsy and stupid around people.

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Dan
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[anxiouslondoner]

Maybe you're just attracted to people you find scary?

[juego*dodo42]

I try to say as little as possible to people I find attractive because I don't want to give them any reason to think badly of me - like, 'I thought she was ok before she started speaking' kind of thing. I had a job once and there was an attractive person there, but he was a bit of a jack-the-lad (cocky arrogance riles me), so when my colleagues told me he liked me, I wasn't sure if they were making fun of me, or if he was just the sort of person who liked a bit of everyone and everything. Anyway, one day a few months down the line, he said to me in a negative way, 'you're not the person I thought you were', and I can tell you that did nothing good for my confidence over the subsequent decade! It didn't help that I had put on about a stone in weight during that time (due to ridiculous anxiety-induced eating habits), and I'd always had body issues. It was not a comment I'll ever forget, sadly. I stupidly internalised it - absolutely ridiculous when you consider we hardly knew anything about each other, so what were his comments worth but salt on the breeze?! I've written off my chances of a relationship, I'd rather have a true friend any day.

[DanielleGaresh]

I used to but not as much anymore...

I totally get the eye contact thing - I would say practice , practice , practice...

Make eye contact with random people in the street - it doesn't matter if they think you're crazy... you'll have walked past each other in 10 seconds...

if that's too hard do it wearing sunglasses, they can't see your eyes but you can see there so it is still practice for looking people in the eye - i do this on the tube

My eye contact is terrible so it is something i have tried to improve along with a million other things i hate about myself

I've actually just read this answer back - is it mental?

[Deadbeatunderadustymoon]

yes, i hate being around attractive people, cant speak to them, make eye contact, they give me inferioty complex. Unfortuantly as I***8217;m a 1 this means there***8217;s a very small of oeople I***8217;m comfortable with.

Same with intelligent or funny people they also give me inferiority complex.