Fear of confrontation.

[quietm]

I'm not complaining or venting or needing any reasurance with this post, but just wanted to put down in words some of my thoughts and conclusions
for the way that I feel to help my own thought processes.
I'm very sensitive, hyper critical with performance anxiety, work wise not sexual haha.
I'm always thinking what others think of me, I need to please and be liked to a point where I will put my own beliefs and values secondary and then be
really pee'd off with myself for not sticking up for myself. I don't want to admit to myself that I'm a coward, but I think I am.
I'm terrified of confrontation, especially with the way people act these days, everyone is so cocky and self opinionated, almost like they're
living out their lives on one of those crappy TV shows. I'm not loud, or confident or confrontational and the amount of stress I put myself under
is draining, I haven't got the words to explain, but I can't ever relax, thoughts and scenarios endlessly replayed in my head.
I don't find conversation easy, I'm afraid to be myself, fear of rejection or riducule stops me from relaxing.
I'm afraid I can't protect myself and my loved ones from all of the idiots you see as soon as you step out of the door, terrified of all
of the random attacks on people you read about in the news. I'm pretty big, spent a lot of time in the gym when I was more confident, all so I could
deter people from messing with me! Don't pick on me, look at the size of me is really the image I wanted to portray. All to keep people away because I'm scared of violence, and shouting and confrontation.
I'm a soft gentle man thats been beaten down by a volatile upbringing with constant arguments and black moods from parents. My constant worrying and fear stops me from enjoying what would otherwise be a good life. I just wish I dared show the real me on the outside, life would be so much simpler.. But if I show the real vulnerable me I'm going to end up getting hurt, mentally or physically.
Thats enough for now, I don't get paid to sit and write about my mad head so better be fair to the boss and get some work done.

M