Buttonlane's Progress Diary

[buttonlane]

Update...

Went on a payed job last week.....it was painful, really painful. I dont want to relive it in detail, so I'll keep it brief.
I was sat on a panel for interviews, judging candidates for the next round. I enjoyed the process for the most part and I had an equal say/part as the two other panel members, which suprised me.
I was a nervous reck and ended up having a massive panic attack in the introductions. It was f*cking horrible to melt down like that infront of everyone. It feels violating. Later on I had to sit 20 mins, in an office full of workers waiting for my money's, I didnt know where to look, I wad so agitated. Those are new environments for me. Horrible. Its going to take me a while before I get comfortable in those places.
The day before I met the head of recruitments just to get some basic info at the same building. Again panic...she kept telling me how nevous I looked, even when I managed to chill she still reminded how nervous I came across. Nightmare.

If Im asked again to sit on the panel... ill do it, I have to. How else am I going to get over my SA in those situations?

One thing I took away, looking back now, was despite the panic, blushing like a twat and gurning infront of the candidates, and general all round nervousnous, is that, i'll never actually see those people again, theyll probably forget me very quickly. My fellow candidates seemed really understanding. I think its about detaching my Ego from the situ. Nothing bad actually happen other than I felt really sh*t. This is me learning to get over SA and panic, not what people think of me. What happened is in the past, a memory that doesnt actually mean a thing anymore.

Something to ponder on I guess


Ive been having problems with my memory this past week..(always had bad recall) Bought a loaf of bread at Greggs and somewhere inbetween there and home I lost it. Im always doing that. I think I lost it in Spar while feeling the spuds. (not a euphemism). I almost left Aldi with my card still in the thing. I annoy myself sometimes. pfft.
My diet has been irregular this week so it might be that, though Sa and a proccupation with my appearance can mean my mind is 'somewhere else' most of the time.

For some reason Im feeling more selfconscious than ever, my confidence is rock bottom... doesnt bode well in terms of doing social activities....







-------------------------------------------------
Ideas

Recently came across Paretos Law 80/20 principle. (google)
Achieving the smallest but most valuable out comes (20%) that yeald the majority of results (80%). 80% effects from just 20% causes.

They say in business, that 80% of you profits come from 20% of your customers...it would makes sense to find that 20% of customers and keep them happy.
I recently came across a guy (Tim ferris) who used the 80/20 principle and applyed it to languages. He learned Spanish in two months. Got to the semi finals of the Tango world championships after just 6 months of practice, plus set a world record. How is that even possible? Paretos law. The seemingly counter intuitive..-
"Doing as little as needed, not as much as possible." Henk Kraaijenhif

I want to try and find away to use Paretos law to overcoming SA.

Finding that 20% of activites to quickly gain 80% of my social freedom. 80% social freedom would take me beyond norm. How though? Would it be possible to do that in two months? If so how so?
What Ive been doing since starting this diary is trying to find ways to beat sa and if its not worked, changed it. What I really need is to find people who overcame SA in quick time and find out what they have in common, what they did because it feels like Im trying to reinvent the wheel.

Goals for this week.

- Figure out how I can use Pareto's law to overcome SA. What 20% of activities will bring the biggest results?
Create a plan and stick with it. Im going to seriously Pareto my ass.

-Search books/case studies/web for people who overcame SA in a short period once they found something that worked for them. Their 20%.

Social Activities
Keeping active.
-Stick with regular activities
- Do something new again this week.
Go to new relaxation group. Laundrette.

-Continue to ask "hows your day going", to people in customer service.

-Workout 3 times a week instead of two.




Oh and I need a place to live :/

[black_mamba]

Good work on your progress and charting it, that takes quite a bit of patience! I'm familiar with the 80/20 idea but have never heard of many people overcoming SA by focusing on one form of therapy/exercise/method before. It took me over 10 years to overcome my SA so if you do delve into this a bit more and find something useful please let me know. I never really looked at time scales of people's recovery but you've given me food for thought.

[buttonlane]

^ Thanks pal.

My goal is to get over SA as quickly as possible, Ive had it. Im not really looking for one method, I just want to find the right things to do/behaviours, and the correct sequence to do it in. If someone can 'figured out' how to become world class at Tango in as little as 6 months (unheard of) to the point they're competing at the highest levels using the 80/20 principles, then it has to be applicable to Social performance also.

Im making progress but I dont want to go through another year of continual toil & torment, when I can go through 2/3 months of toil and come away able to live a normal life and above average social freedom. There has to be a way.

You mentioned that it took you 10 years. Was there any activity/behaviour you implimented within that time frame that accelerated your progress?

[black_mamba]

You read Tim Ferriss's blog don't you? :P (me too, reading personal development online was one way I learnt more about how to overcome my fears).

Yes a few things seemed to accelerate progress. I would be gobsmacked if I was able to squeeze it all into just a few months though, but stranger things have happened! I'll have a think about it and get back to you!

[buttonlane]

Haha cheers

I do, the guy is inspiring. He's all over youtube. I like both his presentations and skype casts. I think hes been on Joe Rogan a couple of times as well. He has a real zen quality about him, if abit OCD.

Ive just been watching a few old shows by Paul Mckenna, He completely cured a woman with agoraphobia in a matter of weeks and another lady with BDD in months. All using forms of exposure ,Its can be done. I want to find the most benefical way of replicating those results and sequencing the right steps.

I look forward to hearing the steps you took.

[black_mamba]

I was reluctant to mention exposure therapy because although it really worked for me a lot of people on this forum seem to not find it as useful. I think for me it was a combo of different methods and having a support network of friends that acted as a sort of on-going CBT therapy (they would correct my irrational thoughts ALL the time). But there is more to it than that so if I figure it out I'll let you know!

Yeah Ferris is definitely inspiring, although I find him a little too narcissistic personally. Loads of other great personal development guides out there worth a read too, I bet you probably follow these as well: Ramit Sethi, Leo Babauta, Scott H Young, Cal Newport, + many others I can't remember right now. Scott I like particularly I quote him a lot on SA UK, the stuff he writes about social skills is brilliant (this and this especially).

Just came across this on his site and thought it pertinent to this thread: http://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2013...-in-less-time/

[buttonlane]

I agree, exposure does work but there is a right and a wrong way about going about it.
Ive had a small network of people helping me, you need that support, Im not sure what I would have done without it.

Thanks for the links, I havnt heard of any of those guys you mentioned. Right up my street matey, cheers.

[black_mamba]

I'm afraid my answer is probably very boring but my recovery was down to two major things:

1) Stupidly high determination and....

2) Doing everything at the same time so there was a bit of synergy going on (oh god shoot me I hate that fecking word!)

I tried everything: CBT, meds, self help books, courses, SA UK meets, exposure therapy, meditation, making friends, changing my diet and exercising more, reading personal development blogs, blah blah blah. You can probably imagine that trying lots of things at [roughly] the same time had some unexpected advantages - because I'd learnt how to relax my body through meditations, when I had to do things that scared me I was better equipped to deal with the anxiety. Also going to loads of meets gave me direct access to situations where I could practice the social skills I was learning about in books and online. And making more friends meant more people that could help me think in rational ways, like I said, they were my own personal CBT therapists.

I suppose if you consider learning to be an iterative process, I was simply going through more iterations, more trial and error than other people.

The determination aspect sped things up. I am naturally quite determined and tend to push myself too far anyway. So for example after attending lots of SA UK meets (I was lucky because London meets are always popular) I pushed myself to organise my own meets. That comes with its own unique challenges but I was keen to extract as much experience and social knowledge from meets as possible. When someone posted up a crazy challenge to post a video of yourself talking, I jumped at the chance. I was terrified but that big push really made a big difference to my recovery. People said I looked "normal" in the video. I was shocked, yet another major mindshift as a result of pushing myself to extremes. :-O

So I think the synergy thing will accelerate the process. And getting hyper determined if you're not already.

Boring answer but true.

[buttonlane]

^Thats pretty much what I'm doing now, so I'm on the right track at least. Sought of. Thanks for your imput. I agree with what you say about synergy, attacking the problem from different angles at the same time etc...

Exposure is a big part of my progress so far, and I will continue with it. From experience, you cant hope to go out for just a couple of days, get all anxious and uncomfortable then go...''see, it doesnt work''. Thats what I used to do until I saw the benefits of 'Exposure' and started seeing results. You got to hit it hard and often.

I've come up with a new plan..(yes another ) ''6 weeks to social comfort ' (not necessarily social freedom, thats way to bigger goal to achieve in just 6 weeks.). Going to give this a trial run for a week. 100% commitment. I want a short cut to beating SA, I cant continue with slow progress.
I'm not going out enough right now for the stuff I'm currently doing to work effectively. This new challenge involves going out 6 days a week, doing challenges. Low level anxiety to start off with and raising the bar everyday. Hitting it hard... tapping the ass of SA until there is no Sa left. Gonna be brutal. But as my experience on that panel for interviews shows, Any humiliation is forgotten about a week later, it becomes a distant memory fast. Just gotta drop my Ego.

Will post up the plan when its formulated and Day 1 will start tomorrow. I really hope this is the last plan I will need.

[iTz0kt0Bu]

^ I hope you overcome SA and can picture you overcoming it since you have the mindset to overcome it

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by retep

^ I hope you overcome SA and can picture you overcoming it since you have the mindset to overcome it

Hell yeah.

Although I'm a bit confused as to what you define as social normality?

Only thing I would say to you is go easy on yourself - if you're that determined you'll tend to place high expectations on yourself. The temptation is to then berate yourself when you fail to live up to those lofty goals. Take care of yourself. I pushed myself so hard at one point I made myself worse. Learn from my mistake.

[buttonlane]

Originally Posted by retep

^ I hope you overcome SA and can picture you overcoming it since you have the mindset to overcome it

Thanks retep....

Originally Posted by black_mamba

Hell yeah.

Although I'm a bit confused as to what you define as social normality?

Only thing I would say to you is go easy on yourself - if you're that determined you'll tend to place high expectations on yourself. The temptation is to then berate yourself when you fail to live up to those lofty goals. Take care of yourself. I pushed myself so hard at one point I made myself worse. Learn from my mistake.

Appreciate the support matey.

'Social normality' doesnt sound right to me now I think about it ('socially comfortable' sounds better)
Some things are considered normal ie, Doing activities that most people can do without much stress. Gettin on a bus, sitting in a coffie shop chatting to a friend, being introduced to someone, going to a bar or club and socialising.... these are normal everyday things. Most of those things trigger my anxiety, I literally shut down. Even someone looking at me can cause panic. I cant speak properly if someone makes me nervous, I freeze, gurn, mental blocks. I get panic attacks if Im caught off guard by someone, or dont know the answer to a question (thats far from normal). Id like to be comfortable doing 'normal' everyday things. Thats the short term goal. As well as be more comfortable in my own skin. SA effects social performance, so thats the area Im looking to improve. Confidence building bit by bit, day by day.

Im not sure if the plan that follows will help but I have to try something different, experiment.

If nothing changes and im like this in a years time then I dont think I want to be here any more. I cant bare being like this any longer, something has to change.

[buttonlane]

@biscuits
I agree, I feel the same way about how difficult it can be to break away from labels. Id rather have a panic attack infront of someone I know I'll never meet again. Once your labeled as the awkward guy/girl then its difficult to break free of it because an expectation has already been set up and will always be there. People tend not to like it when you change.

Im not working at the moment, I'm building myself up to work voluntary in an art cafe in town (away from my area). Im not ready yet but hopfully in the coming weeks these desenstization exercises will help me move further along the line.

I worked at several charity shops in the last couple of years and that really moved me forward so I looking to get back into working again.

Also I think it's important to remember that most people feel nervous and awkward when meeting someone new, you just feel it more intensely. I've found opening up to people has shown me that lots of people feel the same, but they view it differently and deal with it differently. I remember once I told someone who was really into clubbing that I just feel too awkward and don't enjoy it. They totally surprised me by saying they understood because they felt awkward too and that's why they drink when they're there. Also if you tell the right people then they can be very accepting and supportive. I'm saying this with a femal perspective..not sure if it's the same for fellas?

The people ive told have been fairly supportive but I also feel that some people use it for there own ends or take advantage. I'm more selective who I tell these days. Though it can be so obvious I suffer with anxiety I tell them all they need to know without saying a word. lol.

[buttonlane]

Plan for the week.

Out 6 days a week doing social challenges. The goal is to get socially comfortable, learning to do everyday things. To feel part of society and take an active role in in my life. If its to be its up to me milarky.

Since ive been working out alot and feeling the burn of structured exercise and becoming slightly addicted to the workout knowing Im achieving gains, Im seeing this as nothing more than a workout. A 'social workout' if you like.
Some people might see these exercises as easy, but I dont and thats the point. I have no other way of making contact with people like this because I dont work and I need to get out of the house.


Week1: Make contact.

Im petrified of strangers... my nervous system can react dramatically at the prospect of meeting them. Ive got to desensitize to it. The goal by the end of week one is to feel comfortable making brief contact with members of the public. Enough where I would feel comfortable working in a cafe full of young people as a volunteer. If 'week one' works out as planned then I will be working in an art cafe in town next week, if not, then two weeks. These exercises and challenges are to prepare me for the cafe or its equivalent AND to test my beliefs about people and anxiety. Are my thoughts & beliefs true?



Day 1 to 3 im testing the waters. A relaxed approach. Im allowed to back out, it will help me to gage my destructive and unhelpful thoughts in the moment and find out what Im thinking. After day 2 I can adjust and get down to business. The week will start out light and get progressivly harder.

Day 1: Tester

- Ask everyone in customer service how their day is going. (try not to back out, its a workout, feel that burn)

- Ask 10 strangers the time

Record my thoughts.

Day 2: Tester
Same as day 1.
-Ask 10 strangers the time

Day 3: tester To completion.
Same as Day 1
Ask 10 strangers the time

-----------------------

Day 4: Hardcore commitment
Time frame: As long as it takes

1. Customer service - question
2. Ask 20 Stangers the time.
3. Ask 3 people for directions.
Record my thoughts


Day 5: Blitzkrieg
Time frame 1 hour.

1. Go into 6 shops one after the other and ask a staff member for directions. (where is creative support or internet cafe?) Then ask how there day is going. Think Supermarket sweep, aka - Doing the m**therf*cker as FAST as possible!

2. Ask 20 strangers the time

3. Ask 10 strangers directions in the street.
Observe my behaviour and record my thoughts.

Day 6:Blitzkrieg with nobs on.
*gulps*
Time frame: 1 hour.

Same as above but all the people I come into contact with have to appear confident or attractive.

1. 6 shops..Attractive.
2. Ask 20 confident strangers time
3.Ask 10 confident strangers directions.

Observe my behaviour/reactions and record my thoughts.

If this doesnt desensitize my arse I don't know what will.



Week 2: Conversation
To be continued.....

[black_mamba]

^You're a flippin inspiration buddy! Blitzkreig it! Good for you.

lol@feel the burn! I like that, a lovely way of equating mental effort to physical effort.

[buttonlane]

^

Day1 & 2 testers....Done. Day off today and going to do Day 3 to completion tomorrow. I'll share my thoughts after day 3. Though its interesting how fear and shame plus having a big ego can make you (me) an avoidant scaredy cat. The main lesson after two days is.....'Stop taking yourself so f***ing seriously', it doesnt matter.

If tomorrow goes as planned then I will have gone some way to 'dropping my Ego.' DME successfully means being able to impliment the idea of Play. though I realise Im going to have to really put some effort in to cement that into my brain. See what happens.

[Fantastic]

What you're doing is amazing! It has method and perseverance! An inspiration to us all. You should very proud of what you're doing and achieving...feel confident!

[buttonlane]

^ Thanks!

It has method, like you say, maybe abit of madness in it somewhere along the line .( day 5 onward.)
Im really hoping this brings the change Im looking for. What have I got to lose?

Thanks again..

[buttonlane]

Update.

Day 1 to 3, done.

That was so much harder than I thought it was going to be. :/

Day 1:
Barely started, I asked a couple of people the time, that was it. Very nervous and avoided asking most people. It was Tester so that was fine, still disappointed in myself though but I did get some useful info about myself, unhelpful thoughts which were a theme throughout the Tester phase.

Day 2:
Did much better, asked way more people questions 1 & 2.
Wents to a small village I didnt know existed, just up the road from me. Popped into a charity and a pet shop right away...Asked how the till ladies day was going. Pet woman was cool, charity shop gran gave me a, 'wtf' look. The latter wasnt very friendly. A year ago that would have made me paranoid, like it was something to do with me but Ive realised doing the testers and prior exposure exercises, that people will stay in character regardless who is talking to them, if someones having a shitty day or they're just an arse hole they are not going to be friendly to many people anyway. Its them, not me. Lesson - Stop taking everything so personally!!

Bottled out asking 'hows ya day' a few times which annoyed me. I was to concerned about how I was being percieved and what people were thinking about me, combined with listening to my anxiety. (devil on my shoulder). This is such a f**king problem for me right now. Its messing me up, its one of the major things making me avoidant. (a little pussy).

No noobie moments..... which is strange for me . What I did notice was how many times I convinced myself that 'doing this was weird' and 'people know what Im up to' Both convenient excuses not to approach anyone. Those persistent thoughts made me so much more nervous. Had I genuinely wanted the time, it would have been alot easier to ask me thinks but the ''people can read my mind'' bolloxs and ''know what Im up to'' shite, has got to stop. How does everybody suddenly turn into Derren sodding Brown when I go out of the door? Wtf?

The Pub
Went for a drink in an old pub full of old people, young bar staff. Self conscious but held it together. No questions here. Had a problem getting out of the place because I knew the guy was going to say good bye and I didnt want him to see me get anxious. I waited till he was out of sight. Annoyed I did that.


Ok, I lied.....there were a couple of noobie moments. (arent there always? )

Attractive, confident looking gal taking her money out of the machine. Pluck up the courage to ask her the time.*butt cheeks quiver* She starts to speak but Im already walking off, feet going in one direction, my head still facing her. She doesnt even get to the end of her sentence and Im like ''okthanks". whaaaaaat a bellend!
Couldnt handle the tension. This exact same thing happened the next day.

Another woman goes to check her bag for the time, looks up at me and walks off! Wtf! (she was foreign so maybe her english was not so good)

Anyways...Day 3 Followed the same pattern as day 2.

Moment in Aldi caught me off guard (...again. Aldi pffft. :p)
Dude on till. Asked how his day was. To my suprise (horror ) he elaborated and went on. I was very nervous because I was being served with an audience behind me. Instead of listening, I was 'in my head' the whole time, rabbit in headlights. I blurted out something random which killed the convo. The more I do it though, the easier it will get. Nervs got the better of me this time.






-------------------------------------------

Learning points.

-People will oblige and help you out if you ask for it. For the most part, strangers are friendly.


-That maybe Im anxious and fearful of 'lack of familiarity' and fear of the unknown more than getting a rejection. Possibly maybe. It's interesting how relaxed and comfortable I am in front of this new therapist Ive started seeing. She stunningly and intimidatingly beautiful but Im completely comfortable with her and express myself freely. Im comfortable in that environment because its familiar to me. Ive desensitized to it over time, I know the score. Which tells me it will be the same in social enviroments to, social skills etc.. if I do it often enough, my brain will accept it.

-Feelings mean nothing, DONT listen to the the discomfort of anxiety, let it pass through me regardless if anyone notices. Who gives a damn what anyone thinks. Most people are in there own heads anyway.



Things to do for the next time (Day 4)

- Maybe these exercises arnt enough, I could do with getting back into voluntary work again and doing two days to supliment my Exercises. From experience, extended periods of stress, doing something new and engaging the real world (charity shop) helped me to progress, desensitize and improve.Will make enquiries.

-Embrace 'feeling the burn' and that rush of anticipation anxiety. Its building social freedom muscles. Feeeeeeeel the buuuuuurrrn.

- The Next time I ask a question, keep my feet rooted to the ground and head up. Non of that walking away milarky. Let the tension run through me and be the last to turn away and break eye contact. Dont concern yourself with others reactions, be proud your doing what needs to be done.

Day 4......Hardcore commitment.
LETS DO THIS!!!

[buttonlane]

Day 4 Partially completed. Day 5?.. I just could not do bloody Blitzkrieg. I think I was asking to much of myself to soon. Going to carry on with day 3 & 4 type exercises and see if I can slowly build up to la blitz la krieg. Doing something is better than nothing right?

Definitely going to do the volunteering in the art cafe, once im in, its going to be like forced exposure two days a week. I cant avoid anything once Im there. The most improvements/gains Ive made in the past have come under forced exposure. Ie...Charity shop and taking the leap in going on the till. (REALLY tough transition but payed dividends.) I feel like the art cafe is the right step to build my confidence with people plus improve communication skill & desensitize. 3 birds with one stone. I feel confident this is the right way to go. See what happens.

[buttonlane]

Ive been making aaaaaaallll kiiindzzzz of gainzzzz.

Finally! Some signs of improvement!
I had a big problem walking along the side or past cars caught up in traffic. Also waiting for the lights to turn red at a crossing. It would trigger panic and extreme self consciousness. NOT any more. I feel comfortable and less self conscious in general out doors. Its a weird feeling having this problem for years then all of a sudden it disappears. Its like the change has happened without any conscious awarness of the actual shift taking place. Thats the way it happens everytime I improve. Its almost like part of my mind has accepted the enviroment because ive shown it that there was nothing dangerous about it...and without warning, Im no longer scared. Thats how I rationalize what happens anyway. The brain adapts naturally if you show it something many times.

Did my week of challenges (not to completion) this week ive pulled back from it to think about my next step and how to do a second week that feels more natural but still ive been out 4 days this week for more than 3 hours at a time.


Out and about for the sake of being out and about
Im soooooo much more chilled in supermarkets as well now. I dont even get that self conscious anymore. I look forward going shopping now. Lol.
The work ive been doing is finally starting to pay off.

Im still not comfortable indoors, closed, small enviroments, gym, bars, pubs. Etc...
I feel like this step forward has shown me how to beat anxiety in a really clear way. Take chunks out it.


There are different levels of anxiety with me. A base three levels. That if I get over will allow me to function normally in society. Im guessng 6 to 8 levels when it comes to complete social freedom. I just want a normal life so I shooting down three. See what happens after that.


Level 3 on the anxiety scale: Talking to strangers in groups is 'death red'. In other words dieing on my arse. It triggers the worst kind of panic. Only formal public speaking would be worse. All the physical symptom go to town on me, cripple and turn me into a reck.

Level 2:
Then theres the generalised anxiety which inhibits my brain from functioning properly. I get that in situations like ordering a drink at a pub, small closed enviroments where I dont have to talk but still my mind reacts like it represents danger and triggers off these unpleasent feelings.


Level 1:
Then the bottom level of anxiety, Walking past strangers in the street, cars etc... Eye contact with a stranger out doors. Busy walk ways. Part of level 1 is no longer a problem now.

Ive experienced lower levels than this still, but thats in the past and we dont need to go into the sad pathetic existence I used to live.

I feel like Im climbing the scale again now, taking chunks out of my anxiety. I think it would be good to determine in future what part of the scale im working on. Zone in on it and create a plan for each step of the journey, tackle each specific area.

Whatever it is ive been doing its been working on the lower end of the anxiety scale. At the base level, I still need to be out 5 days a week. Its minimum amount of action I have to take. But in order to climb that Anxiety scale I realise that Im going to have to step it up. The next level needs to be approached.


I smell another plan coming on

[buttonlane]

^

Thanks, appreciate it.

Four years ago I would be panic strickened, I couldnt go into a supermarket on my own. A grown man. To more recent times feeling painfully self conscious to just this last 10 days..feeling nothing at all. I feel excited to go from my regular almost daily trip from Aldi (pffft) to tesco. I look forward it. To be absent of those feelings is new to me, its exciting! To no longer have that internal suffering at all times in those enviroments is massive.

But yeah...shopping on my own. Ive no patience for shopping with other people though.

[buttonlane]

Why have I always thought anxiety such a Terrible thing? Its not! Panic attacks are uncomfortable but they are just feelings. Nothing bad actually happens other than I feel differently than normal and occasionally make an ass out of onces self, come across as awkward which in turn makes a funny story. (pagan man). Whats so bad about that?

Ive got to stop thinking of anxiety as a Terrible occurrence. This mindset makes me into an avoidant wimp with no backbone. The actual labeling of my anxiety in this negative over dramatic way has stopped my development as a person and halted any kind of positive life experiences, its destroyed everything good in my life. My anxiety isnt f*cking me up, its my thoughts about anxiety thats done the most damage.The panic attacks will disperse in good time as long as I continue doing certain things (Graduated exposure.) I know this to be true.

*My panic attacks are proof that Im winning the battle. Feel the burn and enjoy it, you know your making gains*
Im taking this new mindset on today, forget what anyone else thinks about me.


Sod anxiety, Im going to the gym, then Im going swimming, then Im going to the library and if retro girl is there Im going to say hello. And Im NOT going to let anxiety force me to run away like a little bitch. I own that motherf*cker from now on. *waves hand*

[iTz0kt0Bu]

Originally Posted by buttonlane

Why have I always thought anxiety such a Terrible thing? Its not! Panic attacks are uncomfortable but they are just feelings. Nothing bad actually happens other than I feel differently than normal and occasionally make an ass out of onces self, come across as awkward which in turn makes a funny story. (pagan man). Whats so bad about that?

Cause society makes us believe it is, at least in my experience.

Ive got to stop thinking of anxiety as a Terrible occurrence. This mindset makes me into an avoidant wimp with no backbone. The actual labeling of my anxiety in this negative over dramatic way has stopped my development as a person and halted any kind of positive life experiences, its destroyed everything good in my life. My anxiety isnt f*cking me up, its my thoughts about anxiety thats done the most damage.The panic attacks will disperse in good time as long as I continue doing certain things (Graduated exposure.) I know this to be true.

Yeah I think accepting you might experience SA is a step. It's not like we can pretend the SA isn't there.

*My panic attacks are proof that Im winning the battle. Feel the burn and enjoy it, you know your making aaaall kinds of gainzzz*
Im taking this new mindset on today, forget what anyone else thinks about me.

Sod anxiety, Im going to the gym, then Im going swimming, then Im going to the library and if retro girl is there Im going to say hello. And Im NOT going to let anxiety force me to run away like a little bitch. I own that motherf*cker from now on. *waves hand*

Yeah, you can't please everyone. Although everyone, including me know it, I'm starting to take the phrase more literally. There are always gonna be ppl to judge ya if you're doing something noticable.

[buttonlane]

BREAKTHROUGH! Part 1.

Massive month for me June. In the spirit of John Holmes....Absolutely huge!
I feel like Ive cracked it, and all I have to do is keep going.

Weird month June because I spent alot of the first two weeks in the house get depressed and being introspective but when I did go out, I pushed myself. The last 7 days of that month was huge in terms of taking it to the next level and desensitizing.



First two weeks..drifting challenging and getting depressed
To cut the first two of the three short I basicaly started feeling more able to approach situations I feared.* Level 2 fears* (I'll explain)

I have difficulty talking to one person if there are others observing. I basically shut down. I started being bold and challenging those situations with success.

-Started going to the gym with a friend. Shes on a charity walk so ive been helping her get fit. The very idea of talking to someone in the gym was a no no. NO.
The first time I went with her was uncomfortable. I found it difficult to talk with all the people around, my brain just started freaking out on me, producing all the unsavory symptoms I try to avoid. A weird thing happened, I became so absorbed in the conversation I forgot about all the people around me and my anxiety went and I was able to be myself. Pretty much spoke non stop for an hour.

Second time I went there was even less selfconscious when I spoke. I didnt give a sh*t. Something Ive never felt before as an adult. As a result those session carried into the rest of my day and I became more fearless. Even though I was out sparingly those 2 weeks, i felt the improvements.

-I had 6 students at my art class in june. (3 new.) It was a situ I couldnt avoid and had to go through with. Despite the initial anxiety and panic it went great and felt a huge boost in confidence that I achieved something I thought I could never do. It lead me to the conclusion in that I really needed to be doing more things like this. (Groups) I Created a plan around it and went for it. The progress made in a short space of time has been Ron Jeremy like in size and scale.

Man with a plan

Forgive the terrible writing and the crude drawing. I will try and translate

In the middle of June and a plan that finally works.


Ive spoken about it before but have fleshed it out into a pyramid with levels of SA. Levels I need to overcome in order to live a normal life. The idea behind it is, by defining in detail catagories of fears, ie/ severity levels. I have a better chance of knowing exactly what needs to be done to reach the next level plus know what fears are approachable but still challenging without setting me back and im also able to detect where I am in my progress and how near I am to my goal. The badly drawn steps on the pyramid represent the idea of alway puting one foot infront of the other to reach the destination, in doing so your climb closer and closer to the top. You have to reach it sooner or later.
The kind of things I put on each level which are specific to me and all cause anxiety,* the higher the level the more seemingly impossible the activity becomes.

Level 3on the anxiety scale:[/U] Talking to well adjusted individuals strangers in groups is 'death red'. In other words dieing on my arse. It triggers the worst kind of panic. Only formal public speaking would be worse. All the physical symptom go to town on me, cripple and turn me into a reck. Being centre stage in a group.
Dancing.
Level 2:
Short verbal exchanges ~
Saying hello to people in my peer group, ordering a drink at a pub, customer services, being asked questions by these people. Maintaining eye contact without breaking. Small closed enviroments where I dont have to talk but still my mind reacts like it represents danger and triggers off these unpleasent feelings.

Level 1:
Then the bottom level of anxiety, Nonverbal.
Walking past strangers in the street, cars etc... Brief eye contact with a stranger out doors. Being looked at or observed would shut me down. Busy walk ways. Walking past groups of people. (Most of level 1 is no longer a problem now. But it was once as difficult and impossible as level 3 appears to me now. Id say I struggled with most, if not all level 1 activities when I started this diary.)

In the top left hand corner is a positive reminder.

Always moving forward
Always facing my fears. Always climbing those steps and putting one foot infront of the other.

I finally figured out exactly how to overcome a level of anxiety that is so much quicker than what I was doing before.
If Im currently struggling at a particular level (one for example) and struggling to walk down the street, I need to be doing my base level 1 activities as much as possible BUT take part in activities a level higher than Im capable of. (level 2) Ie maintaining and stretching. Maintaining the basic desenstization process daily but really stretching with higher level activities. Stretching, from experience, seems to cancel out difficulties at the lower levels and makes progression quicker.

Underneath the pyramid I wrote the steps I needed to take. Both level 2 and 3 activities.

SOLVING LEVEL 2:
Got to start taking in groups.
1. Go to anxiety drop-ins
2. Go back to poetry/creative writing at bluski. (found this challenging when I went twice a couple of years ago as you have to read out what you wrote, in front of everyone.
This clashs with my other activities right now.)

3. Employment & Confidence building courses.
4. Volunteering at animal sanctuary (they havnt got back to me yet. Ill push it and go down there.)
5. Volunteering at art cafe.(This fell through as they arnt taking on volunteers in the cafe section. Looking at other alternatives)

Level 2 hobbies
-Dancing - Dance school (Salsa) (level3)
(Now Ive done this I can say it was more like a level 4. Wont be doing it again until Ive progressed more. It was to much)

-Yoga

-Also martial arts class. (krav maga)

I'm now completely comfortable doing level 1 (nonverbal activities which covered a broad range) so that means I now have to do level 2 as a base plus level 3 activities thrown in. I tryed the salsa and that was waaaaaay to much so I dialed it down and went on some training courses for the unemployed. Its a safe enviroment and alot of the courses are to do with confidence building. Its essentially groups, 3 times a week for a month. My progress in july has shot through the roof. Im not comfortable in groups but Im getting used to them and forcing myself to contribute and speak infront of everyone. I can feel the change. Its had the knock on effect of making level 1 activities an absolute breeze. Especially just walking around in town. Its making my level 2's easier and easier also. My Self esteem and confidence is on the up and rising by the week. Im starting to feel normal for the first time. Tis epic.

Im genuine excited by my future. Its not a case of if I get over SA but when.

[buttonlane]

Part 2

Seeing anxiety in a new way.
Something else I wrote down in my pad in june and Refered to it in my first posts in this SA diary thingamajig was how important perspective was. ("Mr Courage and Mr Perspective.") For me seeing anxiety with the correct perspective has helped me to face it.
I finally got round to writing it out in June and it was a big help in terms of reframing anxiety and bad days in a way that makes me want to challenge SA not run from it. Maybe a few people on here might benefit from it.


These are really useful mindsets in reframibg fear. The top three were influenced by claire weekes work.

-"Dont run away from fear, analyse it and see it as no more than a physical feeling. Do not be bluffed by a physical feeling."

-Examine fear when it hits you, dont judge it. observe it, then describe it in your head.

-"Churning in your stomach is just a feeling. After examining it, is it so terrible?" Stop regarding it as some sought of monster trying to possess you.

- Feel the burn,* Whatever happens, happens. I wont remember it in 3 months time anyway, unless it turns into a funny story. The only thing that comes out of it besides a story is growth.

- You set your ship out today to win some victories. Take your hits, ride them waves and allow it to pass through you regardless if unknowing people are there. You have yourself a victory.

- Lets get me some victories!! (now that is what Im talking about. )

- Regardless of what takes place I'll be making progress today and something new and exciting could happen.

*Shakes hands with Mr Perspective*


Ive set myself a 1 month goal to get past level 2 to the point I dont even notice it. Although I have set out some level 3 acivities, I need to design some level 2 specific drills. I need to be doing my base level daily but I need to get specific.

[buttonlane]

Its amazing how EVERY time I think im doing alright and then SMASH!! Get completely taken out.

Ffs.. *sigh*

Had I not booked my ticket to london yesterday I would have opted out based on how Im feeling right now. Thursday has really had an effect on me.

[iTz0kt0Bu]

^ Although I haven't put to much effort towards overcoming my SA at the moment I realise getting use to messing up and more open to negative judgements would probably be a requirement on the road to recovery.

I've noticed I fear being exposed to judgement and think I might have not opened up to ppl, especially school peers in the past to avoid being hurt by negative judgements. I feel that its easy for me to be a target of negative judgement, I notice. But by avoiding negative judgement I probably miss out on positive judgement cause avoiding negative judgement means closing up to appear unnoticable and controlled in body language.

I notice I have a big fear of emotional pain and feeling certain emotions, but emotional pain is a part of everyones life, so I need to open up to it instead of avoiding emotional pain by avoiding confrontations, standing up, messing up, things that can cause temporary emotional pain.

[buttonlane]

Wise words Mr Geddal and you were right of course. :p


----+--------
update

Things are going well.
I feel like Im more desensitized to level 1 nonverbal activities, its great to be able to walk down the street and not feel fear or panic. It feels strange. Walked through town today, relaxed. Sainsburys, Aldi (pfft) I feel normal for the first time.

Progressing through level 2 nicely. Went into a few clothes stores today to be greeted by the staff and asked if I was looking for anything. A year ago I would have had panic attacks,. At the very least gurning and weird facial expressions, rabit in head lights..etc... It wasnt a problem for me. Calm composed relaxed. How cool is that!

The only anxiety I had today was typical of a level 3... Groups and talking in enclosed spaces with people around me.
Sat in a cafe in town and an old man randomly comes up to me and starts chatting. Its packed!! Aggghhrrr. Go awaaaaaaay!
I answer his first question fine. 'Is that a picture or print on the wall?' :/ then asks me what Im reading. *Panic attack, mental block, shutdown.* Thank f*ck he went shortly after that. I was there to see if I could study in a busy environment, with people around me, that was my challenge. Not do something I was no where near ready for. I didnt expect Victor soding Meldrew on happy pills to come over shouting a question at me in a room jam packed with people...for christ sake! Took a while to compose myself again after that. Left after I was chilled again. No post-mortem on what happened. Why? Cause nothing happened.


Sat on a panel of interviews for creative support today. I was so much more relaxed than last time. Didnt introduce myself. Ita above and beyond what Im capable of right now. I handled the interviews well though.



Anxiety hobby
Tryed the Salsa last month and that was f*cking painful. (Though mixed race 40 something with big boobies seemed rather keen so I might go back next month )

Going to a yoga class this week. Its right up my street, Im into all that spiritual stuff. Yoga should be easier than salsa cause I'll be facing forward, with people around me. I wont be forced to socialize. Though listening to taciturny's description of it, Im expecting a room crammed with boobs, bums and camel toe. Knowing where to look could prove difficult. *evil smirk*

Its a challenge and I dont really know what to expect other than camel toe, so I'll see what happens.






-------------------------------------------++--++++
The Good points
People are good!
(Yes they are damn it!)

I feel like its to easy and typical for an SAer to only remember all the bad things that happen to them and use that to back up and confirm/solidify negative beliefs they have about themselves and the world. I no long entertain this. I do the opposite and remember all the good things that happen at the end of my day.

People are good

- Sat in a greasy spoon and about to tuck into my brunch (unhealthy I know :p) Middle aged couple straight outa Shameless ask me if I want the sauce. 'Yes!' The guy walks over and puts it on my table.

- Lost my way looking for an animal sanctuary and asked 3 people to help me. The first two didnt know but made the effort and were friendly and a girl who was catching a tram gave me directions. Comes up behind me 20 seconds later and takes me there herself, as it was on the way to her work. Now THAT is what Im talking about!

- In london and everyone I spoke to bent over backwards to help me. Lovely people of london.

- Small things like people in cars stopping to allow me cross the street.

-Im on a couple of courses right now and everyone is so friendly with each other, so many different backgrounds. Met some great people which is giving me positive reference experiences. On one of the courses I was sat next to the campest straight man in the world, an african and african dutch lady (watch out!) and a woman who announced to the class that she did 2 years for armed robbery Everyone got on amazingly well, I literally laughed my ass off through the entire class. It was great!!

People are good.

[black_mamba]

^^Thank you!! SA makes us focus on the bad but the world is also full of good kind people too, no doubt.

Originally Posted by retep

I notice I have a big fear of emotional pain and feeling certain emotions, but emotional pain is a part of everyones life, so I need to open up to it instead of avoiding emotional pain by avoiding confrontations, standing up, messing up, things that can cause temporary emotional pain.

Almost like a fear of fear itself?

Yes you will have to get comfortable with discomfort (as ridiculous as that sounds) in order to recover.

Temporary emotional pain needs to be replaced with the feelings of social elation and contentedness you'll feel when you're happier. Maybe this guide is relevant:

http://www.social-anxiety-community....ad.php?t=56910