Do you fear being judged here?

[Bluebear]

.

[Schmosby]

You are in the best position to judge yourself, so as long as know know you truly are a good person, you are quite right to ignore the judgment of others.

I think the same holds true of bad people. As much as they pretend or avoid, I think they know deep down that they are bad people.

[A Whimsical Stranger]

To be honest, I've always found the people who are so convinced that they're a good person and never doubt themselves are usually not very nice. Maybe you're the exception though, who knows.

[Schmosby]

^ I'd agree that people that think they are bad are most often the good people, as they hold high standards for themselves and therefore see themselves as failing.

On the flip side I guess there are are bad people with low standards, that feel they are good as they are above their poor standards but also good people with high standards that live up to the standards they set themselves.

We can never really know, as we don't know what's going on in other people's heads. Like bullies for example, do they think they are good people? Given they choose to bully, you would think they must... But I just feel like they do really know deep down so they avoid reflection. I don't even understand what drives people to be nasty though so who know, only them.

[Consolida]

Do you mean fear being judged specifically here on the forum Bluebear or anywhere?

I fear being judged negatively all of the time. I'm constantly worrying if I'm coming across badly and often think that everyone hates me athough realistically most people that I'm not totally invisible to probably feel nothing but indifference towards me. That's the best I can hope for really.

I have started trying to confront my unhealthy and obsessive need to be liked and validated by aquaintances (and even strangers) by being a little more forthright with my opinions (for example in some of my posts here ) but it's not easy as I still worry myself silly about causing offence and then become overwhelmed with guilt.

It's good to hear that you are less fearful of people judging you these days Bluebear. Nobody can be liked by everybody or indeed like everybody and we all share different often very opposing opinions but as long as we feel in our hearts that we have tried our best to show kindness and respect to others then who is anyone else to tell us otherwise.

Schmosby, I do wonder sometimes what is going on in the heads of people who are intentionally nasty to others. Do they know deep down they are being bad or do they somehow justify to themselves that their bullying behaviour is in some way what the victim deserves? I think it's most likely that these people simply lack the ability to empathise on occasions and, like you say, don't spend a lot of time, if any, on reflection.

[Consolida]

^ Aww thank you Change that's very kind of you to say
Expressing my opinions and in doing so disagreeing with others and risking their disapproval doesn't come easy but neither do I want to be a constant people pleaser where I'll say anything I think others might want to hear simply to be accepted and liked by them. It's a fine line to tread though and one that I haven't yet managed to do in 'real' life.

For what it's worth, I very much enjoy reading your thoughtful opinions too Change

[Schmosby]

Originally Posted by Bluebear

So maybe my family were correct when they said I’m a failure. My SA is so bad that I’m not currently working. I don’t think this makes me a bad person though. I don’t define people by whether or not they are in employment.

Thanks for your post

If your SA is so bad it prevents you from working, then it's fine not to work. It's no different to someone being off work due to bad flu or breaking their leg. It's not something you chose, so it says nothing about you.

[anewyear]

Originally Posted by Bluebear

The doctor said I’m a write off, so maybe he thinks I’m bad too....

Was that actually the words that he used, or other words that you've interpreted in a certain way? If it was those words then that's pretty unprofessional and flippant of him and not an appropriate way to address a patient.

[anewyear]

Originally Posted by Consolida

Expressing my opinions and in doing so disagreeing with others and risking their disapproval doesn't come easy but neither do I want to be a constant people pleaser where I'll say anything I think others might want to hear simply to be accepted and liked by them. It's a fine line to tread though and one that I haven't yet managed to do in 'real' life.

I very much struggle with that likewise. As a side component to this I hate falling out with people or making enemies. I'm gonna guess that you're similar?

[anewyear]

Originally Posted by Bluebear

Oh I do doubt myself. What I mean is that I don’t bully people and I try to be kind. I’m full of self hate sometimes though,...

Try to be kind to yourself bluebear Yes there might be areas in which you can improve - I'm sure most people both here and "outside" can relate to that. But try to find a way to drop the self hate and other bits might then fall into place. Do you have hobbies or goals that you can look to? They don't need to be grandiose, but if your goal is to get out the house everyday this week and you manage to achieve it then well done! If not, set the bar a little lower and try again til you have something to build upon.

[gregarious_introvert]

I don't actually fear being judged, but often believe that I am; ever since I started posting on this forum, I've been disagreeing with people and stating forthright views (which I hold to be true), which I believe have drawn negative judgments from some quarters. However, all I can do is live my own beliefs, ethics and moral compass, which are reflected in my posts; of course, I don't expect universal acceptance and I don't come here to be liked, I just hope that my views are respected as I respect those of others, although I don't always feel that's the case.

@Consolida (and Change), I enjoy reading your posts and respect that you're both prepared to say what you believe and support it. Your views (both of you) always seem well-founded and considered, even when I don't necessarily agree with them.

@Schmosby, I don't believe that many people (with a few obvious exceptions) are wholly good or bad; we all have different aspects to our characters and can be judged differently by different people, depending on which aspect they perceive to be foremost. I don't think I've ever met a truly bad person and even those who have tried to bully me in the past probably have some redeeming feature!

@Bluebear, I didn't have the pleasure of reading your OP, but from what I understand of your later posts, you feel that you're judged because you're unable to work (same here!), your family has labelled you a "failure" (we can choose our friends, but not our family!) and your doctor has written you off (I'm with anewyear, I think that's a deplorable and unprofessional opinion to express)? Only you know what is happening inside your head; you mention that those who take the time to get to know you have a positive image of you and as these are the people who have seen more sides to you, those are the opinions you should value most highly.

I think life is a delicate balancing act where, as social beings, we need to be liked but are also striving to be true to ourselves; I would say that the latter should come first, that we should be ourselves (whilst showing kindness, consideration and respect for others) and then hope to attract those who like us for who we are, rather than trying to conform to someone else's expectations or gain universal acceptance.

Sent from my SM-J330FN using Tapatalk

[Consolida]

Originally Posted by anewyear

I very much struggle with that likewise. As a side component to this I hate falling out with people or making enemies. I'm gonna guess that you're similar?

Yep, I absolutely HATE falling out with people too but sometimes it feels impossible to avoid unless I agree with them on everything. I'm the kind of person that wants to stand up for what I believe in but then when I think I may have upset or irritated someone I'll go away and cry my eyes out about it all day long. Pathetic sounding I know


@ gregarious_introvert Thank you as always for your supportive words I hope you are enjoying your trip

[anewyear]

Originally Posted by gregarious_introvert

Only you know what is happening inside your head; you mention that those who take the time to get to know you have a positive image of you and as these are the people who have seen more sides to you, those are the opinions you should value most highly.

Wise words as always from GI

[gregarious_introvert]

^ Are you sure you mean me?

^^ I just speak as I find, Consolida - and yes, I have enjoyed my trip but as it's drawing to a close, I'm looking forward to getting home and especially to falling into the arms of my beloved.

Sent from my SM-J330FN using Tapatalk

[Blackflies]

No- I fear hurting others on here by expressing myself on a platform that doesn't allow us to see the human emotions behind the persons typing and therefore not adjusting myself accordingly. It's far too easy to misjudge someone based on a sentence that doesn't ultimately define who they are or rather who they could be under the right circumstances.

I have been judged by some on here in the past and I, too, have judged others on here, rightly or wrongly and will continue to do so. It's a natural thing humans do. The point is to try to identify when you're doing it as quickly as possible, which takes great skill and personal development and take a step back to think about the bigger picture of who the person is and what could have possibly led to them choosing the actions or opinions of what they have said and done. It's too easy to read something someone else has done and automatically judge while forgetting the things we ourselves have said and done.

I believe most human at their core fundamentally just want to be a good human. I don't believe people are born nasty, we're shaped that way due to the heartaches of life and the bitterness of our circumstances. Some people have such a weight on their shoulders but we only see the chip because we're too busy in our lives to take a breather and give them the opportunity to tell us. That said, I don't believe in comparing one person's circumstances to the other (re he's rich so has no reason to be an a**hole) because we only know what we've experienced and everyone has their own reasons for reacting to situations the way they do. The world just needs greater empathy and the patience to get beneath the surface to understand the core of most people is not bad. Often it is just the outside that looked bruised and dark.

Others judging me hurts and I won't deny that. It hurts because I am not at one with myself yet, but i'm getting there. Sometimes, in fact, I want people to judge me so that I can feel the effects and allow this pain to trigger a response to my actions or views, that perhaps my subconscious knows I need to alter. Sometimes judgement is good as long as people allow you the room to grow and give you the opportunity to change. Not giving up on our fellow humans need to grow and learn is imperative if we believe in a better world. For this reason, I am trying hard to work on my ability to forgive others for their sins. But ultimately, I won't achieve this until I forgive myself for mine and that's going to be part of my journey for some time. The man who has forgiven himself is the master at forgiving others.

[snoo]

^^ That's a really good post. I would say I agree.

It isn't so much the judgement, as that will always be there, but how you deal with it.

Dealing with it poorly almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as people then tend to think that they are right.

[believer90]

I agree. Its okay to judge yourself as you walk on this journey of life.

Ignore the judgments of others as hurt people tend to hurt people.

There are very few, if any, that I pay attention to their judgments.

The ones I do pay attention to love me and I know genuinely want the very best for me.

Originally Posted by Schmosby

You are in the best position to judge yourself, so as long as know know you truly are a good person, you are quite right to ignore the judgment of others.

I think the same holds true of bad people. As much as they pretend or avoid, I think they know deep down that they are bad people.

[choirgirl]

Nope, people are nice here, and when we do disagree passionately it's often a monkey brain thing. I've said stuff here that would get a roasting elsewhere. We're not really allowed to attack each other directly, and although I've been attacked indirectly, Im a lot less fussed these days, I know manipulation when I see it. Although old habits die hard of course, my instinct is still to be conciliatory. But entering my 40s, and working through some big stuff finally has made it easier. I wish I'd been like this earlier, it would have made life so much easier!

[Appear]

Yep - to a point. Sometimes I get flashbacks to embarrassing posts I've written but I'm too lazy to do anything about them.

But at the same time very few to us are really real to each other. We just exist here as pixel-based approximations of people. Except that time I saw Biscuits in John Lewis but wasn't entirely sure it was her. So not super-duper fearful.

[Consolida]

Sort of. I'm the queen of embarrassing long winded posts and I always over share but in the grand scheme of things none of it really matters as I'm an insignificant speck in the universe who will probably be dead in 20 years, if not before. The people that come here are generally kind and compassionate so if I'm going to off load then this quiet little forum is the best place to do it. Other groups are brutal in comparison.

[Chess&Junkfood]

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by Consolida

Do you mean fear being judged specifically here on the forum Bluebear or anywhere?

I fear being judged negatively all of the time. I'm constantly worrying if I'm coming across badly and often think that everyone hates me athough realistically most people that I'm not totally invisible to probably feel nothing but indifference towards me. That's the best I can hope for really.

I have started trying to confront my unhealthy and obsessive need to be liked and validated by aquaintances (and even strangers) by being a little more forthright with my opinions (for example in some of my posts here ) but it's not easy as I still worry myself silly about causing offence and then become overwhelmed with guilt.

It's good to hear that you are less fearful of people judging you these days Bluebear. Nobody can be liked by everybody or indeed like everybody and we all share different often very opposing opinions but as long as we feel in our hearts that we have tried our best to show kindness and respect to others then who is anyone else to tell us otherwise.

Schmosby, I do wonder sometimes what is going on in the heads of people who are intentionally nasty to others. Do they know deep down they are being bad or do they somehow justify to themselves that their bullying behaviour is in some way what the victim deserves? I think it's most likely that these people simply lack the ability to empathise on occasions and, like you say, don't spend a lot of time, if any, on reflection.

[Consolida]

^ Streuth, that post of mine is from nearly 5 years ago and since then life and my mental health has gone from bad to worse.

Thanks for the hug Bluebear. I really need it right now x

[Hopeforme]

Sorry to hear that Consolida. What happened?

[Shy_pretty_Angela]

I do fear being judged but I think thats kind of normal. I fear that my posts are boring or that my way of expressing myself is not adequate!

I feel that Im much better on the phone where I can gauge tone of voice ab
But with that said I do enjoy posting and dont worrt too much about being judged .

[anxiouslondoner]

I have been secretly judging all of you.

I will release my reports soon. Frankly some of you should be concerned, TBH. You might not make it through to the next round of SAUK if you don't make an effort.

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by Blackflies

No- I fear hurting others on here by expressing myself on a platform that doesn't allow us to see the human emotions behind the persons typing and therefore not adjusting myself accordingly. It's far too easy to misjudge someone based on a sentence that doesn't ultimately define who they are or rather who they could be under the right circumstances.

I have been judged by some on here in the past and I, too, have judged others on here, rightly or wrongly and will continue to do so. It's a natural thing humans do. The point is to try to identify when you're doing it as quickly as possible, which takes great skill and personal development and take a step back to think about the bigger picture of who the person is and what could have possibly led to them choosing the actions or opinions of what they have said and done. It's too easy to read something someone else has done and automatically judge while forgetting the things we ourselves have said and done.

I believe most human at their core fundamentally just want to be a good human. I don't believe people are born nasty, we're shaped that way due to the heartaches of life and the bitterness of our circumstances. Some people have such a weight on their shoulders but we only see the chip because we're too busy in our lives to take a breather and give them the opportunity to tell us. That said, I don't believe in comparing one person's circumstances to the other (re he's rich so has no reason to be an a**hole) because we only know what we've experienced and everyone has their own reasons for reacting to situations the way they do. The world just needs greater empathy and the patience to get beneath the surface to understand the core of most people is not bad. Often it is just the outside that looked bruised and dark.

Others judging me hurts and I won't deny that. It hurts because I am not at one with myself yet, but i'm getting there. Sometimes, in fact, I want people to judge me so that I can feel the effects and allow this pain to trigger a response to my actions or views, that perhaps my subconscious knows I need to alter. Sometimes judgement is good as long as people allow you the room to grow and give you the opportunity to change. Not giving up on our fellow humans need to grow and learn is imperative if we believe in a better world. For this reason, I am trying hard to work on my ability to forgive others for their sins. But ultimately, I won't achieve this until I forgive myself for mine and that's going to be part of my journey for some time. The man who has forgiven himself is the master at forgiving others.

[biscuits]

Originally Posted by Appear

Yep - to a point. Sometimes I get flashbacks to embarrassing posts I've written but I'm too lazy to do anything about them.

But at the same time very few to us are really real to each other. We just exist here as pixel-based approximations of people. Except that time I saw Biscuits in John Lewis but wasn't entirely sure it was her. So not super-duper fearful.

Oh my gosh, I remember that serendipitous moment! It was so funny because we didn't live anywhere near each other and then bumped into each other in the wild!