SAUK Discussion Board

Go Back   SAUK Discussion Board > Social Anxiety Discussions > Other Mental Health Issues
Join! Blogs FAQ Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Notices

Reply  Post New Thread
 
Thread Tools
  #151  
Old 6th June 2018, 20:09
Sunrise Sunrise is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 27
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

Has anyone here with BPD managed to improve and live something at least resembling a normal life after years of instability? Be warned this may not be an easy read for some people.

I am 31 now and have only recently been diagnosed with BPD after years of being fobbed off and misdiagnosed but have displayed the symptoms since my teens. I wonít bore you with the details but my life has been a mess for a very long time. Iíve ruined so many things through my unstable and unpredictable behaviour, alienated so many different people, ruined my career prospects, ruined friendships and potential relationships etc etc. I donít want this to look like a sob story as itís my own stupid fault but Iím at a stage now where Iím close to losing everything.

Does anything actually work? They were supposed to be offering me DBT but I think they are reluctant due to my reputation as a difficult patient. Iím also male and think maybe that makes a difference as it is a diagnosis that is mostly given to women.

Although SA is, or rather was, a small part of my difficulties, thereís a lot more to it that that and I donít really fit the typical SA meek and timid stereotype. Objectively Iím not a very nice person at all and it took me a long time to admit that Iím a demanding, argumentative, histrionic attention seeker who can immediately go from being needy and insecure to vain and pompous with no apparent trigger. I can be incredibly paranoid and are convinced people either hate me or are jealous of me. I donít misinterpret situations through a lack of social skills, itís like I deliberately do it because I want to either be loved or hated Ė there is no middle ground.

I hate what I am and this is a horrible way to live, but another part of me seems resistant to change because this is the only way I know how to live. I have identity issues and donít feel like I have a set personality, instead I play a serious of different characters. I know I need help but Iím not sure where to start. Iíve been treated for anxiety in the past but it was no help whatsoever and I used to run rings around the IAPT CBT therapists they sent me too and leave them speechless.

I NEED to change, but after 15+ years of chronic instability and erratic behaviour Iím not sure what I need to do or how to do it. I donít know what anything normal feels like. Has anyone here been in this situation and made any sort of progress? Whether I want to change or not is irrelevant, I need to as Iím at the last chance saloon now.
Reply With Quote
  #152  
Old 7th June 2018, 14:22
Caboose Caboose is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: blue base, in the middle of a box canyon
Posts: 14
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

^ I probably don't have any useful info apart from perhaps suggesting a book i got a while back that's helped a bit: https://smile.amazon.co.uk/gp/produc...?ie=UTF8&psc=1

How did you finally get an official diagnoses for BPD? I'm pretty sure I have BPD and a couple of people i saw last year did agree that i have at least some of the symptoms. I feel like i just don't explain myself very well so they dont get how bad i can get.
Reply With Quote
  #153  
Old 10th June 2018, 07:08
Thousandmiles Thousandmiles is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 213
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

I am devastated and broken. Over the last couple of weeks a therapist I started seeing assessed me in 2 separate days and she strongly suspects BPD, I knew nothing about it, I argued I have no aggression whatsoever or impulsiveness, emotional outbursts and other acting out behaviour, no history of self harm, I don't ever remember raising my voice at anyone, she said there is a "quiet" type of BPD. I kept asking about AvPD and she said that I have adapted some avoidant behaviours, but in essence it is all about my self worth and fear of abandonment. I haven't slept much last night, I just cried and cried and I am so lost now I don't know how to move on or if I ever can.
In a way I feel positive that I have the name for it, sometimes it's half the battle to get an accurate assessment. I am generally very optimistic, but feel like I've just received the most devastating news ever.
Reply With Quote
  #154  
Old 10th June 2018, 18:40
silenus silenus is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 940
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

Sorry your diagnosis has made you feel so bad. Please don't lose hope. I don't really know anything about BPD but I always feel as though these sorts of psychological models are only useful as tools to help us get better, or to learn how to cope. I think it's really easy to trap ourselves into identifying with labels and to start inventing new problems for ourselves. You're the same person you were before you got this diagnosis, only now you have some idea of how to start tackling your problems.

Maybe I shouldn't be commenting here because I don't really know what I'm talking about so sorry if I've inadvertently said something stupid.
Reply With Quote
  #155  
Old 11th June 2018, 12:55
Sunrise Sunrise is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 27
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caboose
How did you finally get an official diagnoses for BPD? I'm pretty sure I have BPD and a couple of people i saw last year did agree that i have at least some of the symptoms. I feel like i just don't explain myself very well so they dont get how bad i can get.
A lot of perseverance and being brutally honest about certain unpleasant aspects of myself that I was always too ashamed to talk about. Luck probably played a part too bearing in mind I had been seeing various mental health types since I was 16 with mixed results and didn't get diagnosed till I was 30. It had been suggested a few years before but they seemed reluctant to label me with it, which is apparantly not uncommon.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thousandmiles
I am devastated and broken. Over the last couple of weeks a therapist I started seeing assessed me in 2 separate days and she strongly suspects BPD, I knew nothing about it, I argued I have no aggression whatsoever or impulsiveness, emotional outbursts and other acting out behaviour, no history of self harm, I don't ever remember raising my voice at anyone, she said there is a "quiet" type of BPD. I kept asking about AvPD and she said that I have adapted some avoidant behaviours, but in essence it is all about my self worth and fear of abandonment. I haven't slept much last night, I just cried and cried and I am so lost now I don't know how to move on or if I ever can.
In a way I feel positive that I have the name for it, sometimes it's half the battle to get an accurate assessment. I am generally very optimistic, but feel like I've just received the most devastating news ever.
I'm sorry you feel so upset. I was devastated when I was first diagnosed as I always thought it was such a horrible label. It's a heavily stigmatised and often misunderstood condition, even by some mental health experts. It felt like a death sentance at first, but it's not. At the end of the day it's just a label. I don't let it define who I am, and whilst it is definitely a part of who I am there is more to me than my mental illness. Obviously I can't comment on whether it's something you have or not but whatever it is, stay strong. You sound like a very optimistic and positive person and with that sort of attitude you can get through this. Take care.
Reply With Quote
  #156  
Old 12th June 2018, 18:51
Thousandmiles Thousandmiles is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 213
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

@ Sunrise
I thought I'll write a little bit more and partially it is also in reply to your own question about what helps.
Well, things with me are not bad at all, it's just that I got a shock of a lifetime when I read some basics about BPD and especially prognosis of it. In my case I have a distorted self image, no stable sense of self, and very low self esteem that has led to complete and extreme avoidance of relationships. Another thing she pointed out was my appalling language. She read back things from the first session and I just couldn't believe how bad I talked about myself, but I remembered saying them word by word. In fact, I even genuinely don't think some of those things, but say them anyway. If that's also something you do, you might want to look into negative language (in your first post you use it several times!)
Another very important thing she said is a structured day, but after I told her about my daily activities, work and extra studies and all the sports, she said there's no need to go there.
With regards to what helps, when I asked her what does she think is wrong with me after she didn't want to label it, she said she will be treating it as a personality disorder, most likely BPD and she will apply DBT, CBT and mentalisation along with whatever else she knows. She is an integrative therapist. And I believe she can help me because already now I am more aware of my thinking processes, I think in black and white and catastrophise, so hopefully that can change. I am 100% dedicated (as for now) and if getting better means I have to carry that label, so be it. It's not the end of the world and my primary reason joining this forum was to find out what IS wrong with me and now I know. No denying that that's largely thanks to you guys, who post here about such a variety of topics, which led me from one thing to another.

@ Silenus, thank you so much for the supportive message, you are absolutely right, I am the same person as I was, and this person might not be all bad after all.
Reply With Quote
  #157  
Old 12th June 2018, 19:18
Thousandmiles Thousandmiles is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 213
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

@ Sunrise, I don't know what else to suggest other than talk to a professional, is there any chance you can see a therapist privately? Even for a few sessions? You've been treated for anxiety, but not BPD? I would be happy to share the new things I learn, but our problems are very different and I wouldn't want to cause more harm, you say you NEED to change, maybe you can find the strength in you to become less of a "difficult patient" by having as open mind as you can and collaborate? Wish you all the best
Reply With Quote
  #158  
Old 24th June 2018, 21:37
Quicksand Quicksand is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 466
Blog Entries: 1

Mood
Mellow

Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

Always thought have something more than the condition diagnosed with - bpd does seem to fit some of the traits. gp just poo-poos idea every time it's mentioned in a better spell. definitely do not find it easy engaging w people but beg to show more trust in the ones know now and hope more thoughtful of others-thats requiring harder work but it's beg to reap rewards into hopefully a more relaxed summer. Deep breathing...
Reply With Quote
  #159  
Old 24th June 2018, 22:46
Sunrise Sunrise is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 27
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thousandmiles
@ Sunrise, I don't know what else to suggest other than talk to a professional, is there any chance you can see a therapist privately? Even for a few sessions? You've been treated for anxiety, but not BPD? I would be happy to share the new things I learn, but our problems are very different and I wouldn't want to cause more harm, you say you NEED to change, maybe you can find the strength in you to become less of a "difficult patient" by having as open mind as you can and collaborate? Wish you all the best
Thanks for your response. I have an appointment with a psychologist in July where I am going to attempt to explain everything. I think the problem I've had in the past is that I am so unstable I don't think anyone has ever worked me out. I'm full of contradictions and confliction. I'm neither one thing nor the other. I'm a mess.

Quote:
In my case I have a distorted self image, no stable sense of self, and very low self esteem that has led to complete and extreme avoidance of relationships.
You say we're very different but we definitely have this in common, very much so. I have serious issues getting close to people and completely avoid romantic relationships. I completely blank out any interest shown in me, and then get upset because I'm convinced nobody is interested because I'm so ugly and such a horrible person. I have a massive fear or rejection, but it's almost like I want to be rejected. I look for rejection that isn't there, and I get upset that people have rejected me when in reality they haven't, and I have subconsciously rejected them. This probably is different to you but I definitely have major issues getting close to people and avoid romantic relationships.

I go through phases of acting out and acting in. For a long time it was mostly inward, hence my previous sa issues. I'm not very sa anymore which is a positive in a way, but I was probably a nicer person to be around when all my neurosis and complexes were directed inward rather than outward. I've behaved terribly recently. It almost got me sacked, I've lost friends and I've lost the respect of friends and colleagues. Some days I don't want to leave the house as I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm not sure it's irrational or not as I must come across as a very sorry individual at times. That's why I need to change. I can't keep destroying everything as one day there will be nothing left.
Reply With Quote
  #160  
Old 25th June 2018, 19:27
Thousandmiles Thousandmiles is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 213
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

@ Sunrise
I am very glad to hear you are going to see someone about this. I still haven't explained absolutely everything to mine, but with every session she gets a better picture. Last time was all about SA believe it or not, I hope you can keep going and build an understanding with yours.
It is a mess, but it won't sort itself out, not this one. I had to tell myself miracles won't happen and I would have to help myself.
I said we're different as I am not a stereotypical case, out of 9-10 symptoms I have 2 or 3, I am too quiet, calm and collected and I still don't believe anyone can be like me but what you say about relationships is 1:1 how it is for me, we live like we almost want to be rejected, but deep down crave closeness like nothing else. As you said, it is a horrible way to live. And some days I get myself down thinking what sort of a person would it take to understand the way I've lived, would I ever be able to explain why I've lived like I have so far, how do you even begin to explain, that's the only thing that gets me down.
Other than that, I have read so many positive prognosis for this, in the past apparently noone wanted to treat this, but now the consensus is that it is highly treatable! With tools of therapy and your own efforts you can break your dysfunctional thinking patterns and live a normal life.
All the best Sunrise

Ps- another thing I wanted to say, not directly Bpd related, but it is accepting yourself. I only very recently started accepting myself and it is thanks to Sauk, I scrolled hundreds and hundreds of pages when I joined and there is a poster Ajax Amsterdam here that used to post loads about it. I think I owe him a lot of therapy money indirectly
I hope you get the best out of this site, there is a lot of great information on here, I have no time to scroll through anymore but I am so glad I did.
Reply With Quote
  #161  
Old 8th July 2018, 17:46
Sunrise Sunrise is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 27
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

How is therapy supposed to work when you can't form any sort of healthy relationship with anyone, including patient-therapist type relationships?

My previous attempts have all ended badly. Maybe something more specialist will be different. I found the IAPT one size fits all cbt did nothing. Like every type of relationship I've ever had with anyone it started great but ended horribly. One particular "exercise" backfired very badly and I got very angry and upset. If I think about it now it still annoys me. Both the people I saw I ended up arguing with and getting very wound up. I guess as I was only being treated for "anxiety" rather than bpd at the time it will be different if they offer me anything. I'm not sure they will though as I'm not considered a danger to myself or others.

I fear rejection and being hated, but I seem to go out of my way to act in such a way that I do end up being rejected and hated. I don't want to be like this but I seem unable to change no matter how much I want to, and all that does is make me even angrier at myself for being so pathetic.

I want there to be a happy ending but how do I reverse 15+ years of this? How do I erase my past? Everyone knows me as the mad one. I've been described as a trainwreck. I've had people warn there friends about me, saying I'm undateable etc. I'm ashamed and horrified at what I've become. I wish they could just ship me off to dignitas.
Reply With Quote
  #162  
Old 8th July 2018, 18:18
Thousandmiles Thousandmiles is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 213
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

^ you've had your appointment? What happened?

You can't erase your past, you just can't. You can only change today and tomorrow. You can do things today to make your life more bearable tomorrow, every day you can do something to better your life. It's the only way. By all means, have ups and downs and take a break, but, even if you're a train wreck, you can build on that. Start clean, as if you were born today. Yes, it sucks that you find yourself in this place, and I get the shame, I have exactly the same feeling, shame, shame, shame, every day; but what are your options? Be done with the past, it is what it is. The good thing is, you say you don't want to be like that, let that be your drive. One step at a time, one day at a time.
Reply With Quote
  #163  
Old 8th July 2018, 21:05
Sunrise Sunrise is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 27
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

My appointment is next Thursday.

There are times when I don't want to leave the house at the moment. I hate going to work now as I've become a laughing stock due to my erratic behaviour. I've become everything I feared. I live in quite a small community where everyone seems to know each other and I've got a reputation now as the local oddball. I'm so ashamed and disgusted with myself and I don't know how to escape this. If I magically became normal overnight I'll still be the local loony. I wish I was a shy person who just needed a confidence boost and to meet more people, but these aren't irrational, avoident fears. This is who I actually am. This is how people see me. I'm someone who wants to be loved but I'm repulsive. I feared becoming a monster so much it's what I became. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore but I want to completely erase who I am now and become something else. The thought of self-acceptance disgusts me and I refuse to accept who I am right now. I don't know who I want to be but I do know this isn't it.
Reply With Quote
  #164  
Old 8th July 2018, 22:50
Thousandmiles Thousandmiles is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 213
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

Sunrise, I really feel for you, I recognise those feelings in what you say, but I fight it every single day, sometimes with tears, sometimes with hate, sometimes with utter despair. And will do until it gets "my better", I had to make that choice, I saw that as the only choice. As you say, I wish I only had SA, blessed and cursed is the day I found out about SA, what a can of worms did that open. However, I see that I ended up where I am exactly because I was doing absolutely nothing about my SA, it was easy then to just avoid, but I pay for the consequences now, and it exaggerates my BPD traits. I do what I do, because otherwise things will only keep getting worse. Having this borderline personality is livable condition, now that I pay attention and analyse my emotions, I'm shocked and very often disgusted by my own emotions. But only way I can deal and work with them is accept them in the first place.
I am terrible with words generally, so I should stop commenting on these type of serious posts, but I just want to tell you that you most definitely are not a monster, please, don't give up on yourself. I wish you a very successful appointment on Thursday, please, go with an open mind and with only one goal "how can this help me" in mind, I know how many people put therapy down and say it's bs and doesn't work etc, but do give it another go, I understand this time it's gonna be specifically about BPD, maybe you will have better luck this time.
Reply With Quote
  #165  
Old 9th July 2018, 00:18
Sunrise Sunrise is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 27
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

I fight this every single day with every ounce of my being and have done for a very long time, but after years of failure it's only recently I've realised I've been doing it all wrong and I feel so stupid. I used to think throwing myself into situations I found uncomfortable would make things better but it didn't, it just led to me feeling even more overwhelmed by my intense emotions.

I've ruined so many opportunities and lost so many amazing people thanks to my own stupidity. I've wasted years of my life. I thought I was doing the right thing, I made myself physically ill at times trying to do what I thought was right when in reality I was making it worse and that is a sickening thought. The advise from previous therapists didn't help but I don't blame them. I'm confused that it took them so long to work me out but I don't know, it's all a mess. I've lost the best years of my life to this. I could have turned my life around round years ago and I thought I was doing but I wasn't, I was making it worse. I made the same mistakes over and over again. I really hope they can do something. I don't want to be a lost cause. I want to make the best out of what I do have left.
Reply With Quote
  #166  
Old 16th September 2018, 16:37
pink_wafer pink_wafer is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 102
Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

I seem to always end up in Ďtoxicí situations. What if I am the toxic one?
Reply With Quote
  #167  
Old 17th September 2018, 23:51
Purplesnarf Purplesnarf is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 1,185

Mood
Lurking

Default Re: Borderline Personality Disorder

I would say my bpd is playing up badly this past week or so, family stress and things atm triggering me.
Mixed with being introverted its like can I get a plane out of here to the middle of nowhere so I can get away from my thoughts and all the stress.
I'm pretty much useless at the minute concentration wise.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 13:04.


SAUK Award
Logo designed by abc
Powered by vBulletin
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.