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  #31  
Old 9th February 2019, 14:37
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

^ It's really great, Austere Lemur, that your Dad is happy for you to do your own thing and be the person you want to be. That's just as it should be. When someone has children they should never expect their children to someday provide them with grandchildren so your Mum will just have to deal with it. Really, a child's health and happiness is all that any parent should ever wish for.


Quote:
I'm proud not to have brought children into the world. They'll never experience fear, loneliness or bereavement. They'll never be bullied, nor will they spend years stuck in an office working with c***s. They'll never have to see someone they love die, or worry about money, or find out their partner's been cheating on them, or face up to being a talentless mediocrity, etc. And they'll never have to go through the tortures of old age, cancer and dementia.
This is all very true but neither will those children experience some of the many joys in Life either.

During some of my most miserable times (when I was experiencing a number of the above) I've wished that I had never been conceived (and my 'mother' who dumped me soon after birth must have thought the same)...But, (when my perspective on life isn't clouded by my Depression) I'm also very thankful that I've had the chance to experience many of the simple pleasures in Life. For example, a sunset on a Summers evening, a warm smile from a stranger, an embrace from a loved one, even something as utterly daft as eating a bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk!

While I totally respect an individuals reasons for not wanting children I don't believe that people who choose to have children are selfishly inflicting on to them a lifetime of relentless misery and pain either.

When we have been worn down by life's heartaches it's understandable that it would make us think twice about bringing a child into the world but the average human beings life isn't one of non stop misery and totally devoid of any happiness. Life is also about love, friendship, overcoming adversity and making the most of those happier moments when they appear.

I fear that all of this sounds preachy or patronising although that's certainly never my intention. I just wanted to balance out the negative with a little positivity and perhaps even to alleviate any niggling thoughts that I must be a terribly selfish and cruel person for wanting to have a child
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  #32  
Old 9th February 2019, 15:32
Marco Marco is offline
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Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

^That's a great reply to a strong argument from Moksha!
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  #33  
Old 9th February 2019, 16:05
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Austere_Lemur
I knew when I was 10 that I didn't want kids. Don't get me wrong; I can be super compassionate towards others (kids, animals, what have you). I was just not built to be a parent. I'm not sorry about it. I just feel bad because my Mum is so desperate to have grandkids whereas my Dad is really chilled and is happy for me to do my own thing.
That's how I feel too, I don't dislike children I just don't think that I would be suited to be a parent. My Mum would also really like grandchildren but that's not a good enough reason by a long shot for me to have any! My siblings I think will probably have children so that will have to do.
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  #34  
Old 10th February 2019, 14:40
Messer Messer is offline
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Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

Agree completely Consolidia. Well said.
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  #35  
Old 10th February 2019, 15:22
Fungus Fungus is offline
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Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

Sometimes now its obviously too late I still secretly yearn for that normal family life and all the things that most people seem to take for granted like a kids. However that was completely dependant on being able to bring them up well adjusted and happy.There is no way I would have wanted to have children and for them to have faced the mental health problems that I have done. In fact its my own mothers mental health that has affected me and my brother and sister, none of us have had kids of our own almost certainly as a result of our upbringing.
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  #36  
Old 15th February 2019, 18:51
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Consolida

During some of my most miserable times (when I was experiencing a number of the above) I've wished that I had never been conceived (and my 'mother' who dumped me soon after birth must have thought the same)...But, (when my perspective on life isn't clouded by my Depression) I'm also very thankful that I've had the chance to experience many of the simple pleasures in Life. For example, a sunset on a Summers evening, a warm smile from a stranger, an embrace from a loved one, even something as utterly daft as eating a bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk!

While I totally respect an individuals reasons for not wanting children I don't believe that people who choose to have children are selfishly inflicting on to them a lifetime of relentless misery and pain either.

When we have been worn down by life's heartaches it's understandable that it would make us think twice about bringing a child into the world but the average human beings life isn't one of non stop misery and totally devoid of any happiness. Life is also about love, friendship, overcoming adversity and making the most of those happier moments when they appear.

I fear that all of this sounds preachy or patronising although that's certainly never my intention. I just wanted to balance out the negative with a little positivity and perhaps even to alleviate any niggling thoughts that I must be a terribly selfish and cruel person for wanting to have a child
You're quite right about our view of life being clouded by depression. But even at my happiest I've never really thought it was worth living. It's a terrible thing to say I know. Like most people I feel pressured to 'affirm life,' call it a 'journey,' etc, but I can't be bothered. Deep down I've always felt that not being born is best. I don't want to die, and I do have moments of happiness, but I basically see life as a dreadful, unbearably sad tragedy. I always did, even as a child. Right from the start I was shocked by the suffering of animals, by the way nasty, aggressive kids seemed to thrive, etc. It's the main reason I'm not religious. I never watch nature documentaries, for example, because I know that within ten minutes a baby hippo will be being ripped apart by hyenas, or a baby rabbit will be being pecked to death by magpies and crows. Schopenhauer described nature as a "place of perpetual screaming," which it is. And we are part of nature. As a kid I was puzzled when we had to sing songs praising the monster who created the world.

You are right that life has its upsides, but I just don't think that a walk in the snow or bar of Dairy Milk is enough compensation for dying from cancer while blood bubbles out of your mouth (which is what happened to my hairdresser's dad last week).

Personality plays a major part in all this of course. And much of that is inherited. I'm a melancholic, low-energy, hyper-sensitive, socially anxious introvert. In other words, hopelessly ill-adapted to the world. My kids would almost certainly inherit some of my wretched, dysfunctional personality. And I couldn't do that to them.
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  #37  
Old Today, 11:08
Marco Marco is offline
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Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Moksha
Personality plays a major part in all this of course. And much of that is inherited. I'm a melancholic, low-energy, hyper-sensitive, socially anxious introvert. In other words, hopelessly ill-adapted to the world. My kids would almost certainly inherit some of my wretched, dysfunctional personality. And I couldn't do that to them.
That's exactly what I have thought over the years. I could have written that word for word, but maybe we're both wrong, Moksha, and we're missing out. Too late for me to have kids now, anyway.
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  #38  
Old Today, 12:13
Vasco Da Gama Vasco Da Gama is offline
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Default Re: Do you regret not having kids? (or having them?)

^^

life certainly has lots of suffering and unfortunately some people can be cruel,
but, relatively speaking, it's only a few moments of intense suffering in someone's life of 70 years,. so, on balance, it's statistically very much a good life.

unless, that is,. you want to spend most of your time unproductively focusing your thinking on someone else's few moments of suffering?
I suppose it's up to you how you spend your time, but it could be argued that there are more positive, productive ways to spend your time and your thinking?
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