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  #1  
Old 20th June 2015, 17:28
tryinghard tryinghard is offline
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Default When you suddenly realise you don't HAVE to care

Does anyone else get those moments now and again where you realise you don't actually have to give a f*ck and actually if you didn't give a f"ck life would be loads of fun? I don't mean that in an irate "screw this, I'm outta here" way, I mean suddenly realising that all the stuff that makes me anxious or that I get caught up in in my mind, is stuff that in the scheme of things really doesn't matter.

I just landed on one of those annoying 'why you can't make friends' websites written by some smarmy guru because I was googling a psychological term, and seeing that kind of bullshit staring me in the face and imagining some poor soul reading it and actually taking it in (if you can't make friends, perhaps you are making one of these 10 common mistakes...) made me want to say to the readers 'it's actually not the end of the world if some people don't like you, you're still worth the same as everyone else, so if you don't make friends one day it's not even worth thinking about it - don't waste your time - there are billions of people in the world. I think you can really just assume it's not you because assuming it is you will only put you in unnecessary pain'. Then realised I should listen to my own advice sometimes.

Every time I think stuff like that and have a moment of clarity I get this really nice sense of freedom and like 'ah...it's all over' before it inevitably draws me back in, but it's nice to poke my head out of the top sometimes.

Does anyone else get those moments of clarity when you realise it doesn't really matter?
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  #2  
Old 20th June 2015, 17:42
Ajax Amsterdam Ajax Amsterdam is offline
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Default Re: When you suddenly realise you don't HAVE to care

It's great when these moments of clarity kick in.
Age also gives me a fair bit of hindsight to consider, and when I look back I think holy crap, 99% of all the things I used to agonise over really, and I mean really, didn't actually matter at all.

As you say, it's not in a bitter, screw-you kind of way. It's more a quiet realisation. I don't agonise at all now, but looking back at the years wasted doing just that make me realise just what a monumental waste of living time that was.

Suppose it all comes down to listening to everyone else far less, and listening to, and trusting in, myself a lot more, then acting on what I can do to improve my life rather than just pondering on it endlessly.


EDIT: But also, I don't think there are any short cuts. I think we have to go through the process to arrive at the conclusion.
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  #3  
Old 20th June 2015, 19:49
tryinghard tryinghard is offline
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Default Re: When you suddenly realise you don't HAVE to care

Nat - that's just what I'm trying to do as well. I've noticed that while I try to do it, I'm sometimes feeling anger over things that may have happened years ago now, but I'm just taking it that it's because I didn't stand up for myself at the time and perhaps that anger is just me finally realising that I have been treated unfairly and having a more 'normal' reaction to that! Perhaps it is self-esteem building in some way...

The odd thing about it, is that when I decide 'well I think I'm ok and I understand me' I feel very alone and I think the reason is that I still assume everyone else has a bad image of me so that even if I decide I am ok, I will be the only person who thinks I'm ok, even though I have ample evidence that that is untrue - sorry CBT but the evidence doesn't seem to do it for me!

I assume it's just practice and that over time I will start to believe a little more that by 'agreeing' I am bad, I am not simply keeping in with society! Sometimes I almost feel a little bit embarrassed to stick up for myself or be compassionate towards myself - even in my own mind - because I start imagining everyone laughing at me for being so deluded! To be fair on myself, I'm fighting against a 28-year-old habit here...
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  #4  
Old 20th June 2015, 20:13
Stotch Stotch is offline
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Default Re: When you suddenly realise you don't HAVE to care

I get the liberation you feel when releasing the burden of having to care about everything you do and everyone you do it too. I've seen it on here, where people get to the point of worrying whether they annoyed a supermarket cashier by not saying 'thank you' or 'hi' to them on a particular occasion, so much so that they never return to that store again. Then of course you get to the other end of the scale where you have genuinely been rude or unpleasant to someone but can't see it through the 'I don't care' filter you have on.

Basically its a balancing act, an aim to find equilibrium, knowing what to care about and what not to... which is really only realised through experience, which is why older people tend to be wiser (not always though). Of course you don't have to care about anything, but in a lot of situations its only human to want to. When rebuilding your mind just remember not to throw out the things that make you human.
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  #5  
Old 20th June 2015, 20:14
tryinghard tryinghard is offline
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Default Re: When you suddenly realise you don't HAVE to care

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nat36
I developed the belief system as a result of those experiences, that I was responsible for the feelings of others. As a result I hardly ever said anything to disagree with others or challenge them on something to prevent feeling shame or guilt in case they got upset in response.
Nat, you are me. I had this problem. Oddly enough, this actually miraculously started to resolve itself over the last year. I used to feel that when people were being cruel to me - even if I knew they were being cruel - that they secretly felt very ashamed of their behaviour and that if I was to call them out on it at all, even if non-aggressively, they would be destroyed. I didn't want them to have to face up to their 'bad' behaviour because I didn't believe they could cope with it. I used to have images in my head of them collapsing to the floor, clutching their stomach and wailing. I couldn't bear the thought of it so I never said anything. I thought I was protecting them.

After I stood up for myself to my brother last year and witnessed that he was not destroyed by shame that belief took a massive hit and it really doesn't seem to bother me anymore. Although, I suppose I haven't really been in a position where someone has been cruel to me since then.

But in it's wake I have found this deeper thing - that I now don't assert myself either because I freeze in the moment (I feel sort of shocked and can't put a sentence together and I am also not sure whether or not they are right to criticise me in some cases so I don't want to look childish, oversensitive or like I'm making excuses); or because I haven't even noticed I am not being treated well.

I totally get the overempathy thing, though - feeling that other people will be destroyed if you stand up for yourself - and for me it wasn't just a feeling of guilt, I suppose, it was also that I could kind of 'feel their pain' and I just couldn't bear to see them go through it. I didn't want anyone to have to feel that way. (But I was imagining the pain and people are not as vulnerable as I think!)
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  #6  
Old 20th June 2015, 20:23
tryinghard tryinghard is offline
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Default Re: When you suddenly realise you don't HAVE to care

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stotch
Basically its a balancing act, an aim to find equilibrium, knowing what to care about and what not to... which is really only realised through experience, which is why older people tend to be wiser (not always though). Of course you don't have to care about anything, but in a lot of situations its only human to want to. When rebuilding your mind just remember not to throw out the things that make you human.
I agree with this, and I think it depends on how you respond to the idea of 'not caring what other people think' - I think there is a difference between not caring about others' opinions of you, and not caring about how other people feel.

My decision on caring how other people feel is that I choose to continue caring about everyone's wellbeing regardless of who they are, because that is how I wish to live and how I feel most comfortable; however, I have noticed in the past that although I feel I am voluntarily choosing to care about others without necessarily needing it in return - i.e. a 'pure' unmotivated form of morality - I can suddenly and unexpectedly become angry that I am sometimes not treated with the same empathy I extend to others. It may be a rare switcheroo in me, but it still gives me a shock and shakes me up, so now I have decided that I specifically have chosen to care about the feelings others but that I do not expect everybody to care about mine. Other people are allowed to choose not to care about my feelings - it's not against the law! - but I can also choose that their company is not that much fun and will only bring me down. This allows me to circumnavigate anger - which throws me quite a lot and can leave me feeling stunned - yet still look after myself.
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  #7  
Old 20th June 2015, 22:25
Silhouette Silhouette is offline
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Default Re: When you suddenly realise you don't HAVE to care

Eventually the sun will expand and destroy all our pretty arses, so whether or not anyone laughed the joke I told does become insignificant. A sense of perspective is good. Too often I get anxious about something which days or weeks later seems like nothing. And I fluctuate between being too sensitive and not giving a ****. Problem is that when I don't give a **** my ****s are not given for anything. People didn't find the joke I told funny - don't give a single ****, the sun will explode, cancer etc. etc. There's a sense of liberation in not caring but this too easily slips into a sense of meaninglessness. Nothing I do matters, the sun will explode, cancer etc. etc. So I can care and suffer or not care and suffer. Myopia or hyperopia and nothing in between.
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  #8  
Old 20th June 2015, 23:02
umm umm is offline
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Default Re: When you suddenly realise you don't HAVE to care

Very illuminating topic. I've been pondering the same thing, and while me "caring" about stuff seems to provide stability, it also tends to be a big pain. Its empowering not to giveva shit, so ... lets see.
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  #9  
Old 22nd June 2015, 15:08
smoggyboy smoggyboy is offline
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Default Re: When you suddenly realise you don't HAVE to care

I recently decided I was going to quit my job when the anxiety became too much. All of a sudden the anxiety at work is a lot less because I feel like I have an exit if I need it, and I don't need to care as much. I am not sure if I am just somehow tricking myself into staying in work or not.

Years ago I worked with a young lass who had a brain aneurysm on the way to work and died. It really shocked me and for a while brought real clarity about how short and fragile life can be. For a while I was spurred into action and managed to do some travelling on my own, which I was too scared to do at the time.

I wish I could feel like that all the time but it is easy to slip back into what I consider my default setting which is super shy and lots of anxiety.
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