Partner left me

[Dougella]

^ I know, and I don't disagree that his actions seem very bad from what's been said here so far. I suppose I would rather just offer support to Shygirl than pass too much judgement when we don't know exactly what her partner was feeling or what his reasons were.
But then I am coming from the perspective of someone whose parents split up and I was glad about it because them being together was awful and I don't have children myself. So maybe I would be reacting slightly differently if I was a parent!

[Utopia]

^^ It might be because of whatever emotional state he is in himself.

Nonetheless my sympathies are primarily with the mother and child, but depression is tough, and I know what it does to a person as I have it myself.

[Utopia]

^ Yep, it is a pain, don't think I could ever leave a woman alone like that though.

[Reformation]

It sounds like you may be the primary care giver to your son and your partner the provider? If so, is he still fulfilling all of his responsibilities to make sure you and your son have everything you need even though he has left the home?

I hope he is, as this is the right thing for him to do.

You asked if he suffers depression, should he even be alone with your child. Unless there's any specific safety reason why you would worry about him looking after his son alone, then no depression and anxiety isn't something that would directly lead to him not being able to look after his children.

Assuming he's a loving and doting father, i'd imagine he's keen to see him soon and regularly. You can encourage that, as the problems in your own relationship shouldn't affect your sons relationship with his parents. But this also gives you two the opportunity to sort through your own problems as you'll still be in touch with each other as you arrange him seeing his son. Good luck, hope things start looking up soon.

[shygirl2010]

I haven't been managing to feel this week as been in shock and feel devastated for my little boy. I have my parents close by and my two sisters who have been supporting. Not sure what to do about money and the house which is my main concern at the moment. I dont work so have been on benefits, I do wanna find part time work but need to find summit that works round the school run. I'm hoping I should get more money now I'm a single parent and can afford the rent and Bill's short term and going to have to see if landlord is happy with that and I will put name down on council waiting list as well. Not spoken to school yet but I have a meeting with his teacher and the senco on Tues so will tell them then but dreading it as might start crying. Thanks for all the support. Its helping me greatly. X

[Indigo_]

I'm not a parent but I really agree with Consolida here. Based upon what shygirl has said here I think his behaviour is appalling. Mental health issues or not, you cannot simply walk away with no responsibilities. If he doesn't want to be with shygirl anymore then that is fair enough, he cannot be forced to stay in a relationship he doesn't want to be in but he still needs to be contributing financially.

He may have mental health issues but people with mental health issues can still be twats.

[shygirl2010]

Hi. Thanks for your support. Finally heard from partner but only by text and he is going to come down Saturday to see our son and collect the rest of his things. I just dont understand any of this so looks like he definitely wants to split up. I just love him so much and everyones telling me to do all these things and sort it all out and I haven't even seen him yet. Just dont know how to just move on like this.

Xx

[sophie123]

I'm so sorry shy girl but if he doesn't have the decency to even call you and runs to his mum when things get tough then he doesn't deserve your love,I know you don't think so just now but your son will help with keeping you busy and you will get over him in time.

[Utopia]

Yeah exactly, just get another man who actually cares about you enough not to do this to you. I don't know the details as to what you've done to make him leave you, it does seem quite odd.

[Indigo_]

Originally Posted by Utopia

I don't know the details as to what you've done to make him leave you.

Er...that needs rephrasing surely? Sounds like you're suggesting that she is to blame and made him walk away

[Utopia]

No, why would a guy just take all his things and leave for no reason? I mean she would know all the details but we only hear it from her perspective.

I mean if you were cheating on someone, your partner would in all likelyhood leave. Is it ok if she was cheating on him?

She seems very confused, so I don't think it was -- it just seems odd to do that to her.

If someone makes a mistake, they need to learn from it, although, admittedly she most likely isn't to blame at all. I was just thinking what would make me do that in that situation, because I certainly wouldn't break up with her and leave her alone with the child just because I was depressed and didn't like my job.

[Indigo_]

I'm not suggesting that he left for no reason but this is a thread where the OP needs to be supported, not accused of cheating on her partner.

[Utopia]

^ Well I've done that, I don't feel I would do this just because I'm depressed -- no way. If you read the rest of what I've said, that one sentence was written out a lack of understanding as to why her partner would have done this. Depression and hating my job would not be enough make me leave my partner and child.

[Indigo_]

^ But you're not her partner, you're a completely different person.

I highly doubt the OP would start a thread confused about why her partner had up and left if she had in fact been cheating. The reason behind him leaving would be fairly obvious to her wouldn't it?

[Utopia]

^ Well great point, there you go, in that case the reason should be clear but she might feel that same way if that's who she is in love with.

I am a completely different person, but I suffer with depression and I've been through breakups.

I don't know why you are picking on me when I've said so many other supportive things in this thread and I'm just simply being honest. I still have sympathy for her.

[Indigo_]

^ I'm not picking on you. I simply wanted to challenge the comment that you made where you wondered what she had done to make him leave. I felt it was pretty insensitive and unsupportive to the OP.

I don't see why she has to have done something that caused him to leave her

[Utopia]

^ Yes, sorry, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. It wouldn't be the right thing to do to them.

[Utopia]

^ Well she shouldn't be wasting any sleep over him if he is that kind of person. No, you are probably right about it being him and not her, but I mean she would know what the argument was about, it's probably him just trying to have some control in his life.

[shygirl2010]

Hi everyone. I didn't cheat on him to clear that up lol. I dont think I did anything wrong. All I've ever done is tried to help him. I think what it boiled down to was the fact he hated his job and I even helped him to do his CV and apply for some jobs the day he left and then he just kinda said he cant go back to work and I just couldn't understand why he didn't wanna support his family so that's when we argued and then I had to pop out to do my sons prescription at doctors and when i came back he was packing all his things into his car and wouldn't talk to me when i asked and just said he has to go and just left and seems he is moving on and making a new life for himself so quickly. Just cant believe hes done this to me.

Shygirl xx

[Rocket Spud]

Why does he hate his job? What's going on there?

[Reformation]

Good luck for Saturday Shygirl. I hope he is able to give you some time too, not just his son. Either to explain things so you have some more understanding and be left less confused, or (hopefully) potentially with view of you two fixing things.

This is why, if you want the best chance of making it work, try hard on your part not to fall into an argument. Where he could leave again in anger. If you're understanding and he plays his part too, he may open up and give you what you need to know to either make things work or understand why it is ending.

And if you have tried hard to make sure you're both in a good position to talk openly and honestly, and he doesn't fulfil his part in this, well you've got your answer and lots of people in this thread would have been right... he's not worth it as he didn't give your 9 year relationship the dignity is deserves.

I'm still thinking positively for you all though, I hope he pulls through for you. You love him and you have a family together, it's worth fighting for. I hope he thinks so too.

[shygirl2010]

Hi again. Decided not to contact my boyfriend for the last couple of days and then today he rings me to see how I am and if our son is ok and it still seems like he wants things to be over though as he said we also need to sort out house contract. The thing is if he gets a new job then there be no hope. I just get why he would wanna talk to me before the moving on process. Not sure how to approach Saturday when I see him because i still feel angry about what he did but i know that wont get me anywhere.

Shygirl xx

[Dougella]

^ Is there no chance for instance that you and your son could move to live with him where he is now? I realise that would be a huge change.

It's understandable that it will take you a long time to come to terms with what's happened and I think it's alright for you to be angry with him!

[shygirl2010]

Hello. Keep thinking if I move down there he might wanna give things another go but I'm so close to my family I think it would be really hard for me and our son. It seems he has just moved on. Hes having job interviews this week, hes changed his town on Facebook and hes uploaded some pictures and he looks really happy without me just dont understand how he can just walk out on me and move on like that after 9 year and I'm completely heartbroken and devastated.

Shygirl xx

[Marco]

Shygirl, it's difficult to know what to think and how to advise or console you. For someone whom you have lived with and loved for over nine years and who is the father of your child to walk out on you like this without any warning or providing any reason must be devastating; but also the way he has conducted himself, as you describe, is unforgivable I think. To rub salt in the wound by posting happy pictures of himself on FB demonstrates to me a deeply callous and uncaring streak in his personality. It's quite shocking in fact! For the sake of your son you should try to maintain contact with him, but I think you'd be wise to move on from him yourself, as painful as that will be. Take care.

[Dougella]

^ I find that shocking too, why can't people just be decent and keep things off Facebook.

[newbs16]

Shygirl, I hope you don't mind me asking but I was wondering how you met your boyfriend and what were your living arrangements then. Did he move to be with you?

[shygirl2010]

Hi everyone. I'm just so hurt he could do this and to me it did seem like a spare of the moment impulsive decision because the few days before he said he loved me and was talking about the future together. In the past he has overreacted in the heat of the moment but never like this. I'm just so hurt that he would post about his amazing new life without us having spoken properly first. We met online and he was living in Bristol with his parents and I live in Swindon which is about 50 mins away. I was doing a course down there and we decided to meet up so we did long distance and saw each other every weekend and then when I got pregnant I moved to Bristol and we rented a flat there and his parents moved to Devon and in Bristol we had a lot of problems with the landlord and the electric kept getting turned off so he said that we could move to Swindon and we lived with my parents for 6 months then rented the house we are in. I just think he got completely overwhelmed with everything and couldn't handle the pressure. He has always had a tough relationship with his mum and dad. There has been times when we have gone to see them and had to leave late at night due to a row breaking out and my partner's sister hasn't spoken to her mum and dad and my partner for 2 years and she has 3 kids. Just find it all weird and dont get how he can do this when I've always supported him and been there when hes needed someone. It seems on Saturday he just wants to see our son so he doesn't really wanna talk to me about anything. Why is he avoiding it?

Thanks
Shygirl. X

[shygirl2010]

Yeah he is definitely very immature and I do think his parents could be making things worse. I'm 32 and my partner is 31 so we are adults. His parents have been wanting him to move down and they will sometimes text with a good job opportunity even though we didn't live there which is odd. If I didn't have a child I might consider moving down there but hes at a good school and hes really settled there. When I first met my partner he was having a very difficult time with his mum and dad and I was there for him through it. I have asked him if he wanted to come down in the week when our son is at school so can talk and then can see him still after school or if he wants me to get mum to watch him so we can talk for a bit and he just says there's nothing to talk about. I have loads to talk about.

Shygirl xx

[MoonBear]

Hi Shygirl,

It sounds like a really shitty situation you are in. I don't really know you, or anything about your partner. From what you have told us though, it sounds like he doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve someone like that, but I guess ultimately that's for you to decide.

If he won't talk to you, that doesn't stop you from talking to him. If you want my advice I would say that if you have stuff to say, when you feel calm write him a letter/email, be honest and get everything off your chest and then leave the next move up to him. If someone doesn't want to talk to you, trying to force it can usually push them further away, but he can read a letter at his own leisure.

The sad fact is sometimes relationships do break down after years, I know that can seem impossible to accept, but you won't have lost everything, you still have your son who depends on you and the love you share.

Stay strong