anyone single still?

[mark1111]

Originally Posted by Charlotte.

^
I know people go on SA meets, but that may be easier because we all have something shared in common in having SA, but I then suppose it could be easy doing anything where you have a shared interest, but if you have social anxiety surely it is difficult to be around others in group settings? It is for me anyway, but my SA is severe. It all depends on how much SA restricts you I suppose or how much you allow SA to restrict you.

Asking someone at work to go to lunch scares me more than going to some random climbing lesson or salsa class, so yes it affects people in different ways.
I've not been to an SA meet, just doesn't appeal to me.

[png]

Originally Posted by V-2 Schneider

That's what i got told after a 40 minute assessment phone call and 5 month wait for a ten minute appointment with some guy who seemed like he didn't have time to chat, "just go rock climbing or Kayaking"

That's ridiculous

[Kodanshi Helcarver]

Originally Posted by hux

i wouldn't even say jerks....they're just confident

learning to approach women brought me 2% success.....but i'd say learning to deal with rejection brought me 98% success

I***8217;d say you are spot***8211;on in both counts. Which is why a couple of my friends in the past used to play The Rejection Game whenever they felt particularly distressed about women (e.g. after getting dumped, etc). The premise is you go for a lads***8217; night out, and you deliberately use the worst lines and approaches you can in order for women to reject you outright.

They claim it works, but I have my doubts. Doing or saying something idiotic knowing that a woman will reject your approach is NOT the same as genuinely approaching a woman you like and then getting cut down.

Originally Posted by no-moving-lines

I think this is more or less right, though more precisely what's happening is that the guy self friendzones, if I may add this distinction . He feels (on some level) he has to de-sexualise his approach because he thinks no woman could ever possibly want him. Which is more a matter of dismally low self esteem than, necessarily, kindness, isn't it.

Beautifully worded. I concur wholeheartedly.

[Spock]

Originally Posted by Kodanshi Helcarver

I’d say you are spot–on in both counts. Which is why a couple of my friends in the past used to play The Rejection Game whenever they felt particularly distressed about women (e.g. after getting dumped, etc). The premise is you go for a lads’ night out, and you deliberately use the worst lines and approaches you can in order for women to reject you outright.

They claim it works, but I have my doubts. Doing or saying something idiotic knowing that a woman will reject your approach is NOT the same as genuinely approaching a woman you like and then getting cut down.

claim it works to what end?....i'm not sure what you mean.......unless you mean doing it to gain a thicker skin and getting used to loads of blow outs so you can learn to brush them off more easily and avoid letting rejection become a soul destroying experience.....i think that probably does work (but if you've got the confidence to experience rejection after rejection then surely you've got the confidence to simply approach women and talk) - i've got to the stage now where i can cope with maybe 3 rejections for each successful encounter so if i get three blow outs in a row then the fourth needs to go well otherwise i'm going home to cry

[Kodanshi Helcarver]

Originally Posted by hux

to gain a thicker skin and getting used to loads of blow outs so you can learn to brush them off more easily and avoid letting rejection become a soul destroying experience

This. But I dunno. For me there’s always that thought that you KNOW that any woman would reject you. E.g. if I went into a bar and said something like: “I’ll give you five seconds to give me your number, or you can forget about going out with me forever” I know I’d get turned down/slapped/drink thrown in my face, and suchlike. So it doesn’t REALLY build up a tolerance to rejection.

If I go in with a genuine approach and she turns me down, that hurts a lot more.

Have you ever played Max Payne?

[Spock]

Originally Posted by Kodanshi Helcarver

This. But I dunno. For me there’s always that thought that you KNOW that any woman would reject you. E.g. if I went into a bar and said something like: “I’ll give you five seconds to give me your number, or you can forget about going out with me forever” I know I’d get turned down/slapped/drink thrown in my face, and suchlike. So it doesn’t REALLY build up a tolerance to rejection.

If I go in with a genuine approach and she turns me down, that hurts a lot more.

oh right, i see...yeah i agree with that...it needs to be a real rejection for you to genuinely be able to say....."i coped"...and then move on with life

Originally Posted by Kodanshi Helcarver

Have you ever played Max Payne?

I exclusively play Fif13 and absolutely nothing else...why, how is max payne relevant

[Kodanshi Helcarver]

^ Oh, it was simply that he has a ***8216;Bullet Time***8217; meter which allows him to slow down time, but it runs out the more you use it, and needs to recharge. When I***8217;m out on the town, talking to women is my personal equivalent of using Bullet Time. I can only do so for a certain amount of time before I can***8217;t take it any more. I can happily talk to blokes all night though***8230;

[dace]

I have nothing except my fading vanity and fleeting pride.

[Clockface]

I'm 31 and have never had a relationship. Have a few univerdity friends but that's it, have made about 5 friends in 10 years, not much really. My SA and low self esteem have prevented me from having a relationship in the past. I am at a point now where I've gotta sort out my self confidence or I'll stand no chance of ever getting a woman to like me as a potential partner. I'm not particularly looking for marriage, kids etc but it would just be nice to experience love and romance. This feeling intensifies when I fall for somebody in particular.

I just hope I've still got a chance despite being in my early 30's

[mark1111]

Originally Posted by Kodanshi Helcarver

I’d say you are spot–on in both counts. Which is why a couple of my friends in the past used to play The Rejection Game whenever

I've "played" this and a few other things.

The point of the game is to teach you, it doesn't matter. I soon learnt getting a number also doesn't matter. Even getting a girl doesn't matter if you're not happy (not that I've had a long term GF).

You should be happy in yourself and not seek to suck the life out of other people, to gain their happiness. That's never going to work.

Just being able to approach anyone in a social situation and talk is a good skill, something I'm still working on.

[The Third Policeman]

Why not find out who lives where, and try and make friends? I'm in Leicester and always happy to make new friends. You?

[Apathy]

Permanently single and yes you guessed right no social life. But as I find socializing quite nauseous this is no biggie.

[Dannysbabe]

Originally Posted by Macca82

I'm 31 and have never had a relationship. Have a few univerdity friends but that's it, have made about 5 friends in 10 years, not much really. My SA and low self esteem have prevented me from having a relationship in the past. I am at a point now where I've gotta sort out my self confidence or I'll stand no chance of ever getting a woman to like me as a potential partner. I'm not particularly looking for marriage, kids etc but it would just be nice to experience love and romance. This feeling intensifies when I fall for somebody in particular.

I just hope I've still got a chance despite being in my early 30's

There's always a chance I met my boyfriend last year and he was 39 and had never had a girlfriend. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had and we will get married at some point. Don't give up, it really is possible!

[piesJoy]

Aye. Have had g/f's in the past but its been a looooong time.

[Dannysbabe]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Interesting. If you don't mind me asking, how did you meet him?

Online, so we were able to chat through emails for a while before meeting up. I'd never have been able to have met him otherwise, internets good for some things

[newbs16]

Originally Posted by Dannysbabe

Online, so we were able to chat through emails for a while before meeting up. I'd never have been able to have met him otherwise, internets good for some things

thats great so there is hope for all of us :o

[blueswimmer]

I am 36. I do not have "real life" friends that I see regularly. Also no girlfriend, though I remain hopeful.

[Marzipen]

Originally Posted by Dannysbabe

Online, so we were able to chat through emails for a while before meeting up. I'd never have been able to have met him otherwise, internets good for some things

Sorry to me a menace, but can you be more specific? Online is so broad. Do you mean on a free dating website, a paid dating website, a forum like this, a forum for hobbies/interests, MeetUp, Facebook, whilst doing your online banking, by talking to Anna on the Ikea website etc.?

Just would like to know so I can direct my efforts to engage with people I've got things in common with!

[Dannysbabe]

Originally Posted by Huma bird

Sorry to me a menace, but can you be more specific? Online is so broad. Do you mean on a free dating website, a paid dating website, a forum like this, a forum for hobbies/interests, MeetUp, Facebook, whilst doing your online banking, by talking to Anna on the Ikea website etc.?

Just would like to know so I can direct my efforts to engage with people I've got things in common with!

A paid dating site.

[Marzipen]

Cheers, Dannysbabe!

[Generation Erm]

Originally Posted by woof

All i need is my dog, i love her, she gives me cuddles and thats enough for me

right on sister. jack russell snuggles rawk

[esarempee]

45 male, single, 1 friend, a few folks who I bump into regularly when walking the dogs.
Not happy or comfortable with it. If people are saying they are ok with being alone, why are they here?
A couple of short relationships in the past.
Shyness, anxiety, nerves, blushing, SA seems to be getting worse as I get older.
Not happy being alone, no social life, but I hope and pray that by this time next year things will be different.
Is going on Shy/SA meetups a good idea? won't we all be comparing levels of anxiety?
Thinks "look at him/her she's not shy, has no problem talking, what he/she doing here?"
or is that just me?

[egamar]

Originally Posted by esarempee

If people are saying they are ok with being alone, why are they here?

A couple of suggestions:

1. Being OK being alone is not the same as being lonely. Like you I have one friend. Most of my life has been spent 'alone' (despite two marriages!) and I've been OK with that until recently, when I've suddenly found myself being incredibly lonely for the first time in 30-odd years.

2. I have worked really hard to become socially isolated. I thought it was the best way to avoid my distressing symptoms. Yes, people say we are 'social creatures' but I was determined to prove them wrong. I have proved them right and me wrong.

Is going on Shy/SA meetups a good idea? won't we all be comparing levels of anxiety?
Thinks "look at him/her she's not shy, has no problem talking, what he/she doing here?"
or is that just me?

I think this very much depends on how self-aware, insightful, judgemental and compassionate the attendees are or are not. If one understands one's own SA one knows people adopt various coping strategies: for example, they can manage to get through a 2-hr meet-up and then collapse into tears or a bottle of scotch when they get home.

There is comfort to be had in meeting with people who already know you suffer some mental health problems because a) you don't have to explain it and b) they should (see above) understand why you're maybe being that little bit 'different' or 'unusual', and cut you some slack or take trouble to engage with you in a sensitive manner.

Whether that's what meetups are actually like, I have no idea!

[pavlovsdog]

Originally Posted by esarempee

45 male, single, 1 friend, a few folks who I bump into regularly when walking the dogs.
Not happy or comfortable with it. If people are saying they are ok with being alone, why are they here?A couple of short relationships in the past.
Shyness, anxiety, nerves, blushing, SA seems to be getting worse as I get older.
Not happy being alone, no social life, but I hope and pray that by this time next year things will be different.
Is going on Shy/SA meetups a good idea? won't we all be comparing levels of anxiety?
Thinks "look at him/her she's not shy, has no problem talking, what he/she doing here?"
or is that just me?

I don't mind being on my own, I live alone and I often go out alone to gigs, shows, cinema, or drive out. This is partly due to my personality - I enjoy my own company and can occupy myself pretty well. However, this does not stop me from feeling ghastly in social groups, or from turning into a mute statue when being around any male I feel attracted to. That is why I am here. I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone, and also from those who are persevering and have hope for the future. My future may not change much, but it gladdens my heart to hear of others people's successes. I come here because if I can offer any comfort to anyone or share some experiences that might help someone then it makes my life worth living.
Typical SA person I suppose - always the people pleaser

[esarempee]

Mmm.....I get what you're saying. I think in the past I have enjoyed my own company, out of necessity, but I hated the moniker of 'Loner'. When in social situations, I rarely felt comfortable, didn't relate to people, thought what they were talking about was mindless drivel and used to extract myself from that place. I'm not happy being constantly alone. You're braver than me Pavlovsdog, I would feel totally conspicuous going out on my own. Maybe not so much going to the cinema, perhaps I should try it, there was a favourite band of mine playing in Tooting a while back and I didn't even consider going alone. Is people pleasing an SA sufferers trait? I'm just like that, I just want to be liked and have found that some people have taken me for granted, almost like it's a sign of weakness. I rarely find it's reciprocated.

[pavlovsdog]

I don't like being called a 'loner' either - whenever I try to describe myself to other non SA peeps I think I must sound like a serial killer!

Oddly, I think what has helped me is working in the public sector with lots of people contact. I manage this but I do find it exhausting and therefore relish time spent alone. Also, in going to places on my own it means I am not responsible for anyone elses enjoyment, which plagues me if I have someone with me.

You should give it a try esarempee, if you go to see a band or to the cinema no-one really notices you anyway; lots of peeps go to the cinema alone. I would rather go along than miss out on something I really want to see.

As far as being people pleasers, I have nothing to base this on other than the fact that we all seem to seek the approval of others and will usually take the blame upon ourselves for not fitting in. From my own personal experience I have become aware that I have always tried to change myself to become more acceptable in the eyes of others which has often lead to conflicting feelings on my part.

[rocco]

Yes still single, over 2 years now. Been talking to a woman on a dating site by email for about 2 weeks now, but she doesnt have a profile pic and keeps putting off showing me one. I know she has social anxiety issues too, but alarm bells are starting to ring after 2 weeks of daily emails...

Also an old friend fro school invited me over to her place the week after her boyfriend left her, saying she fancied me in school and stuff, but Im nothing like I was in school, i had loads more confidance then especially with women. If I saw her now I dont know how she would react. Plus she has kids and i really dont want to get involved with that sort thing right now, I dont think im mature enough. And i only kinda half fancy her anyway i think, she has a nice figure but a bit of a butter face.

[pavlovsdog]

Originally Posted by rocco

Yes still single, over 2 years now. Been talking to a woman on a dating site by email for about 2 weeks now, but she doesnt have a profile pic and keeps putting off showing me one. I know she has social anxiety issues too, but alarm bells are starting to ring after 2 weeks of daily emails...

Also an old friend fro school invited me over to her place the week after her boyfriend left her, saying she fancied me in school and stuff, but Im nothing like I was in school, i had loads more confidance then especially with women. If I saw her now I dont know how she would react. Plus she has kids and i really dont want to get involved with that sort thing right now, I dont think im mature enough. And i only kinda half fancy her anyway i think, she has a nice figure but a bit of a butter face.

What in Gods name is a butter face??!!!
I think that's a rather unfair comment, but I haven't met the woman and don't really know what a butter face is, so perhaps I shouldn't comment. Don't you think it might just be worth getting to know her as a person rather than judging her on her looks? At least you might end up with a good friend even if you don't want a more intimate relationship

[rocco]

Originally Posted by CornflakeGirl

Looks aside, that wouldn't be a wise idea at all in this case.

Yeah its not her looks that are stopping me going forward with it at all. Its the baggage involved and the fact that shes obviously on the rebound. Im an equal opportunities lover (given the chance), "nice personality-girls" need love too

Plus my own doubts about myself.

[rocco]

Lol i did manage to get a picture off the girl in the end and shes not bad looking at all which was what i first thought. I just think shes one of those people who are just wary of having pictures of themselves on the internet for some reason.

Ive asked if she has skype/xbox live etc but no dice there im afraid. Ill probably make the step onto giving her my phone number pretty soon. The thought of that scares me a bit to be honest but my inability to speak on the phone is what has killed all my past attempts at online relationships recently so i guess ill just have to bite the bullet.

Butter face is a girl whos all god but 'er face