What does "work on yourself" mean?

[Sunrise]

It's the go-to catchphrase for self-improvement types, but what does it actually mean?

I often feel like when people tell me this, they're telling me I need to be perfect. It's normally followed by some vague advice about how I should hit the gym and get an expensive haircut. I'm not saying it's bad advice, far from it, but personally I'm already putting myself under a lot of pressure to be the best I can when it comes to that side of things so it feels like I'm being told I'm just not good enough.

Advice like that seems to be directed more at people a lot younger than me as well. I'm a middle-aged Matt Hancock lookalike, my physical appearance is not exactly my strong point, so any improvements I make in that area are probably going to make little difference. I find a lot of self-help tends to focus on improving your appearance, but I'm not auditioning for Love Island. I try to present myself the best I can but focusing on that aspect is probably pointless when you're an ugly old bloke. Dressing like a 21 year old isn't going to help build my confidence, I'd just look ridiculous!

Is that kind of advice aimed more at people, usually very young, who are "stuck in a rut"? I honestly have no idea how I can "work on myself" any more than I currently already am. The things that I really struggle with like my paranoia, my dark thoughts and my insecurities are all things I don't really know how I'm supposed to "work on". I'm not lazy or unmotivated, I just don't know how to deal with these things.

[gregarious_introvert]

I don't know anything about self-improvement in the formal sense, but isn't that what we all strive for anyway? To me, it's just about being the best version of ourselves that we know how to be. Nobody has ever told me to visit the gym, or what kind of haircut I should have (there was a time when I would occasionally be told I should get a haircut, but my hair was waist-length at the time). For me, personally, self-improvement is asking myself if I did enough to make the world better today and if I upset someone, understanding why that happened (as a neurodiverse person, I still make mistakes) and learning from it so that I don't repeat the experience. Beyond that, I look how I look, dress how I dress and do what I do - if I am not harming others, there shouldn't be an issue.

None of us - short of cosmetic surgery - can change our basic appearance, so as long as we wash and wear clean, presentable clothes, it isn't for others to comment (I say this as an "ugly old bloke" who doesn't seem to attract adverse comments about his appearance); of course, things are different when it comes to dating, when personal appearance is more important, but even that comes down to personal preference.

It's fine to look for help - if the things you need to work on are psychological, then seeking out a therapist / psychologist may be the way forward; we're all different, so what works for one may not work for another, but finding out all the options which are available would be a start, then it may be a case of trial and error.

[Sunrise]

Today's self-improvement is to learn to proof read thread titles before I submit a post. Can one of you nice mod types remove the "with". I'm not even sure where that came from?

I've been reading a lot of self-improvement stuff online recently and it seems aimed at very young people who seem to be a lot more image-focused? It's all very aspirational, but that's not really me, I just want to be less of a trainwreck.

I actually find a lot of it quite deflating because it doesn't feel possible for someone like me. I wouldn't be capable of living the sort of life these people are saying I should aspire too. I really don't think an expensive haircut is going to be the cure for decades worth of trauma.

[Amara 94]

I wonder if the modern perception of self improvement and the ideal person is put too much in a box. For example, optimal health isn’t always considered to be the muscular physique that is shared today, it also includes flexibility and some endurance. To be a handyman/woman or an artist do you need to be really sociable?

As the uk has became more of a service oriented country in terms of industries Maybe our culture puts extra emphasis on the character and physical traits that make good service more attainable.

[Sunrise]

The modern mental health awareness/self improvement stuff is something I don't feel a part of at all. I don't feel like it is aimed at me and I don't feel welcome.

I feel like people with my sorts of issues are seen as "problematic", we're just bad people and we shouldn't be helped, we should be shunned and vilified. I never here success stories from people like me. I have no idea how I would even begin to seek help as a lot of what I think would be too taboo.

[anxiouslondoner]

I think you need to approach this in a more goal-oriented way, Sunrise.
What is it that you think you are doing, or not doing, that is a problem for you? It is better if you can identify something concrete, rather than just thinking that you are doing something wrong.
It really has to be driven by your own needs rather than just what other people are saying. People aren't particularly reliable or helpful a lot of the time, and they can only give their own opinions. It doesn't mean that what they say is right for you.
Once you do that you can think about how to tackle it, what to change. What can you do differently?
Sometimes just being conscious of your own behaviour is enough to change things.
If it's something you need to learn, there are plenty of resources out there.
You can't really change your inner feelings, but you can change the things you do and say by being more conscious of how your feelings are affecting you without letting them control you.

[Sunrise]

I don't have any specific goals, all the things I want to achieve are in more of a general sense. I find it hard to set goals as I'm not sure what I would be capable of achieving. I don't feel like I have enough self-awareness to set realistically achievable goals.

I can see what you mean though. If I wanted to learn to play the harpsichord I could put a plan in place with different steps so I would know how to achieve that goal. I don't want to learn to play the harpsichord though, I want to completely change who I am. I don't know who I want to change into, as long as it isn't me. There isn't really an end goal I just want to be a different person to what I am now.

[Percy]

Work on yourself is another way of saying self development.

[Sunrise]

I'd still be none the wiser haha. That feels like something aimed more at mentally healthier people. I'm nowhere near the stage where I can start to develop myself yet.

People like me aren't really supposed to have confidence because we haven't earned the right to it. I need to work out how to do that first before I can start thinking about aiming any higher. To build confidence you need to have genuine reasons to be confident, you need to have solid foundations in place.

[Hopeforme]

What do you mean you haven't earned the right to it? Doesn't everyone have the right to feeling confident, because they were born and then develop and grow up etc. Why should some get it and some not? Do you need a genuine reason other than it will help you in your life, it will feel good etc.

Is it more of a case that you don't feel deserving of having these good things at all? I relate to that. But the origins of that feeling come more from someone else planting it there I am told.

[MissKatie]

For me it comes down to this
"Could I have done better?"

If the answer is yes, then I can work on myself.

Really breaking things down to the basics make life simpler for me.

[Sunrise]

Not everyone has the right to feel confident, no. That's entitlement, which is a very dangerous thing.

People like me have no business being confident until we have earned it. The world doesn't owe me anything. There is nothing I have to feel confident about. I need to make huge changes to my life before I can even begin to start feeling confident. Huge, expensive changes that I don't currently have the money for. Gaining confidence in my physical appearance for example would involve quite extensive surgery which is simply not an option at the moment.

You can't just pluck confidence out of thin air, it involves taking action. You don't just decide to suddenly start feeling good about yourself.

[Hopeforme]

Originally Posted by Sunrise

Not everyone has the right to feel confident, no. That's entitlement, which is a very dangerous thing.

People like me have no business being confident until we have earned it. The world doesn't owe me anything. There is nothing I have to feel confident about. I need to make huge changes to my life before I can even begin to start feeling confident. Huge, expensive changes that I don't currently have the money for. Gaining confidence in my physical appearance for example would involve quite extensive surgery which is simply not an option at the moment.

You can't just pluck confidence out of thin air, it involves taking action. You don't just decide to suddenly start feeling good about yourself.

But if you had a child or saw a child in your family, wouldn't you think he/she doesn't have a right to feel confident just because they are a person? Let's say they have to "earn the right" to feel confident. What could a child realistically do whilst they are in single digits to earn that right. I suppose I was thinking of it more like a human right, like everyone has the right to be treated fairly and not be abused (maybe unless you are a really evil person but leave that aside for now).

Question to ask could be, do you feel like you deserve to be confident? Sometimes when I read your posts, I get a sense of a concept called "toxic shame" in psychology. I don't mean that in a negative judgmental way towards you, and I might be wrong. I think I have it, and it can make me feel like I don't deserve good things which is total bullshit.

As for the rest of your post, I can relate. I need to make huge changes to my life but I don't know if I can do it. Overcoming SA feels too scary, too impossible which is frankly a terrifying and extremely depressing prospect. If I overcame SA I assume then I would feel more confident and I certainly would be alot happier. I need money too for what I believe is going to be private therapy. I'm having talk therapy, psychoanalytic therapy in the NHS and I don't think I am getting anywhere with it.

Surgery.. are you talking about cosmetic surgery? (if you want to answer that). Even if you got the money, think carefully about that. No joke, a haircut, gym and better clothes could drastically improve your appearance and is the first place to start.

I agree that when I have tried to just start feeling good about myself, or given myself a pep talk, it doesn't work. It involves action. But whatever I have done never seems to stick or make an impact.

[biscuits]

It can mean many, many things:
Trying new activities to find a wider range of interests or hobbies.
Learning new skills
Learning new recipes
Giving back - volunteering
Exercising
Relaxation activities or technique
Learning about depression, anxiety, anything
Finding new ways to express yourself
Talking to a professional - counsellor, therapist etc.
Having open and supportive discussions
Developing healthy coping strategies - replacing unhealthy ones
Goal setting

Those are the sorts of things I associate with the term "work on yourself".

[Percy]

Excellent post biscuits

[Sunrise]

If a young child I knew told me they felt like I did I would feel desperately sad for them.

Haircuts, exercise and better clothes has made no difference to how I feel. I've already done all that, and the only way I could gain confidence in my appearance would have to involve cosmetic surgery. I can't afford it so it's not going to happen. For someone like me there isn't an easy fix unfortunately, it would involve taking extreme action. I could apply this to other areas of my life as well. Why do so many people assume all my issues are caused by being a lazy slob? The defects with my appearance are something I was born with, it's not caused by a poor attitude.

I need a complete personality change before I can even begin to start thinking about doing activities with other people again. Being "me" just doesn't work. I can't start setting practical goals until I've sorted all that out first. I need to become the sort of person people can actually stomach being around.

[Marco]

Personally, I have never found self-help material much good. The only thing that has helped me to a significant extent is experience, which has simply come with age. Nevertheless, I recommend you live as healthy a life-style as you can and keep active (great list of activities suggested by Biscuits) - that way you can at least give it your best shot.

[choirgirl]

Any recommendations?

Sunrise, the starting point is accept yourself. It's not easy. Also, probably moving away, which zI also realise is not easy.

[Percy]

NeverWas

While I agree that some of the self help industry is dodgy, to say the least, I wouldn't go so far as to say that's true for the whole, or even most. Certainly it has its questionable elements and some down right rubbish, The Secret springs to mind. There are plenty of good stuff too and not all of it written by professionals. The 3 books I recommend for tackling fear were not written by professionals.

Not that I disagree with you, it's just my experience in self help suggests different. One of the common critiques of self help is that it can be written by anyone, which is of course a fair comment to make. I just think it would be a shame to dismiss an area of treatment when there's a wealth of information out there that could be helpful. Hense why I started the self help thread.