The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning - Page 18

Pink*Lady · #**511** 19th May 2018, 23:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kooky Monster

^^ I too hope you're okay, Spud

I'm just coming through the other side of this, brought about by my recent period. I don't always get it - thank God - but some months it causes my MH to just swan dive. I end up plagued with suicidal thoughts and my mood becomes absolutely erratic. I've spent the past week just climbing the ****ing walls and feeling like I'm losing my mind.

Thanks for your reply. I've been going through this feeling again this week. I'd give anything for it to stop. Hope you're ok.

Caboose · #**512** 8th June 2018, 03:33

i've got quite a bit to feel happy about lately, but right now all i can think of is how pointless and worthless i am and maybe i should just end it. sick of being me and living in this stupid head of mine.

gregarious_introvert · #**513** 26th June 2018, 13:15

Sorry to hear that you're not feeling great right now, Kooky; I really enjoyed meeting you at the book club last month and you're a very witty, interesting and intelligent person with a lot to offer both here and in real life. I'm looking forward to seeing you again next month, although as you know I'm off to Spain (in about 15 minutes) so can't make it on Friday.

After losing my 'phone in Canada a few days ago, I'm using a replacement which won't allow me to download Tapatalk, so I'll be off the site until 5th July, but if you (or anyone else) would like to PM me at any time, I'm here for you (or will be, as soon as I'm reunited with my laptop!). In the meantime, I hope book club goes at least as well as the last and that you feel better soon.

Caboose, I've been where you are now - depression doesn't need a reason to come calling and sometimes sneaks up when, as you say, you have quite a bit to feel happy about. Just try to remind yourself that it will pass and - if you can - focus on the things which bring you joy (even if they don't bring you joy right now!).

AireleeBray · #**514** 27th June 2018, 12:31

im so ridiculously trapped & chained to everything in this life i cant see its ever going to end.

Dougella · #**515** 27th June 2018, 20:09

^ I know you might feel like that right now but you're a great person and things can get better.

Pink*Lady · #**516** 27th June 2018, 20:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kooky Monster

Stuck. Completely and utterly stuck and hopeless. I feel like I'm going insane and I don't see a resolution, well apart from one.

Sending you hugs Kooky Monster.

I haven't been in work since Monday, in fact I haven't left home since Friday. I can't be bothered to go out and I don't want to see or speak to anyone. I've slept most of the time and when I'm awake I stare into space and don't do anything. The flashbacks from bullying have been really intense in recent days and it's making me feel really miserable and affecting my outlook on life. I've also had suicidal thoughts but I won't act on them. It's difficult to explain how I feel but it's like a shitty, painful and emotional feeling in my chest. I'm so switched off, almost cut off from other people. End of moan.

Sebby Debby Ding Dong · #**517** 2nd July 2018, 00:07

dunno how much longer i can cope with feeling like this. thinking about death more and more lately. have no hope left for anything.

Sebby Debby Ding Dong · #**518** 2nd July 2018, 00:52

^ thank you

.. the things you've said to me, here, and in the past are pretty much the only thing keeping me going at the moment heh

i hope it passes too.. but it doesnt feel like it will this time. i dont think anything is ever going to change. ive tried so hard this past year and abit to get myself out more, apply myself to stuff, trying to be more confident with people, faking confidence, trying cbt again, volunteering.
and in many peoples' eyes im sure they would say i have progressed a lot in this past year. im willing to agree with them up to a point. but i still feel just as isolated and trapped as i always have. in a way, even more so than before.
i think before when i wasnt really trying, and i was keeping to my safe zone, i could hold onto hope that if/when i do try to get better, my life will improve drastically. now that i've been trying, and i still feel terrible, i dont have that hope anymore that things can get better, becuase here i am many months into my last ditch effort to salvage something from this life ive messed up and ruined, apparently beyond repair.

dunno why it hasn't occurred to me before but it finally did a day or so ago, that if i do decide to take a hop, skip and a jump to the other side, i should make it look like an accident. i know it will still hurt my family immensely, but at least they won't be tormented with feeling like they could or should have done something and feeling like they should have seen how much pain ive been in etc.

Dougella · #**519** 3rd July 2018, 17:42

^ I'm sorry you're feeling like this and I can relate, I remember feeling the same in the past. One thing I would say is that often change/recovery takes time which can be difficult when you've finally taken the step to try to work on things and then you feel like it's happening very slowly. But that doesn't mean that you're not improving and that things won't continue to get better. You deserve for your life to get better and for things to improve, you really do.

jd90 · #**520** 3rd July 2018, 17:54

^^ I'm sorry you're really struggling at the moment, I've been there when you improve and feel that it'll just keep going and going and it doesn't and you're right it is worse in a way. But you have to have hope, if you can improve, like you've clearly done then you can continue to improve. Please don't do anything, life is full of possibilities no matter how shit it gets whereas death is so final. So hang on in there, acknowledge it's never gonna be anything but easy and keep ploughing through. Don't lose hope, try and find some idea you can cling onto to get you through the really dark times and I really hope you do. Good luck mate

Blackflies · #**521** 4th July 2018, 19:12

[QUOTE=Sebby Webby Ding Dong;2391503]...

^Another poster sorry to hear you're feeling at the end of your rope so to speak. I know what it is to feel so overwhelmed by your 'mistakes' or how long it's taking you to fix them, that you just feel buried by them with no way out. However our lapses in judgement will always seem so much more severe to us than anyone else. I won't patronise you by saying things will get better because sometimes that takes so long to happen that waiting and expecting things to just fall into place makes things feel so much worse than just accepting things might be shitty for a while. I think that's part of the safe zone vs trying process. Unfortunately, our efforts don't always seem to give that instant gratification in the way we hoped. I think it's because we spent our entire lives putting these steps on a pedestal and suddenly they're achieved and there's no waiting audience to cheer us on or no sign of what to do now. I also believe some people are just born sadder than others, that no matter how perfect we make our lives, the fractures of our past sort of always stay with us and surface again every now and then. But I will say that although I don't know you personally, I remember from here and chat, how funny, honest, gentle and sincere you can be- traits many of the world are lacking so I can't help but think that while there are some people in this world who don't contribute much, you are surely not one of them- even if you sometimes feel that way. Hope you'll find your way out of this current dark spell. Take care.

Sebby Debby Ding Dong · #**522** 5th July 2018, 17:14

^^^^, ^^^, ^^, ^ thank you all for the kind words of support. it helps hearing such things, puts some weight on the almost empty positive side of the scales of my will to keep going.

helped me get through today a little, which was god awful. i had to keep going off at work to hide to try and pull myself together and give myself a pep talk to not burst out crying. if my doctor was still working, id consider going back to him to get back on anti depressants, but he retired last month and i just dont have it in me to go to a new one to explain everything about me.
i got some shitty news the minute i parked at home too which has made me feel really unwelcome at the block of flats i recently moved in to.
i cant do anything right and im just sinking sinking sinking. i have a morbid curiosity to find out just how dark my life can get.
ive been trying to make a friend at work, but im useless at socialising in person so i probably make her feel uncomfortable. also ive pretty much convinced myself that shes starting to hate me.

ugh. sorry.

Consolida · #**523** 6th July 2018, 04:59

@ Sebby Webby Ding Dong (great username btw)

I’m sorry to hear that you are finding things so tough at the moment

I can totally understand how emotional pain can cause you to feel that you don’t want to continue living anymore because I’ve felt exactly the same way, albeit quite a long time ago.

You know the people who love and care for you would be devastated to lose you. Suicide or an accident, it really makes no difference, as your loved ones would still be left devastated by your loss and condemned to a lifetime of awful heartache.

I agree with Hermann that our time here is so short that we may as well stick around and see what more life has to offer us. If it absolutely sucks then every one of us will soon enough be shedding off this mortal coil anyway. But who knows, unexpected things may occur during the days, months, and years ahead that will make you sometimes feel glad to be alive.

In my 20’s I remember driving my car a long winding country lanes late at night and thinking why don’t I plough into a tree or wall at high speed and put an end to this mental torture that I’m feeling. But perhaps the fear of hurting those I love, of ending up still alive but physically incapacitated and in an even worse situation or even of maiming other innocent road users in the process was what stopped me. Also, I think I must have still been hanging on to the tiny glimmer of hope that something may change for the better which I knew dying would snatch away from me forever. I’m a strong believer of where there’s life, there’s hope and all that.

I can now safely say, despite still suffering with SA and regular bouts of depression, that I’m glad I didn’t have ‘an accident’ and that my half hearted suicide attempts failed because I’ve experienced some of my happiest and proudest moments since - the birth of my child easily being amongst them.

I truly hope you decide to stick around Sebby because there are people who love you. Just from the posts you've shared on this forum I can see that you are a wonderful personality and have such a lot to offer others. You clearly have friends here who greatly value you and want to offer you support. You are certainly not alone. And for what it’s worth, I really think you owe it to yourself to stick around a little longer to see what the future has in store.

I hope all of that hasn't come across preachy or patronising. I struggle to find the right words.

I just wanted you to know that you have the support and understanding of lots of us in the SAUK community

Take care

AireleeBray · #**524** 6th July 2018, 20:20

i hope everyone struggling knows they are important they do matter & there are people who truly care about them even if its just through this forum, you arent entirely alone in this.
I know its so so difficult & frustrating & our mind tells us all the wrong things sometimes.
sending virtual hugs to anyone who needs one

i tried to end my life before i had my children not believing id ever have anything. 3 years after that i had my daughter.
life goes by so fast & i also believe its worth sticking around to see the good things that will happen

Austere_Lemur · #**525** 7th July 2018, 01:06

Here we are again... Not to belittle anyone on here; I mean I hope I arrive here in good company. I thought, becoming 27 years old a couple of weeks ago, that maybe I'd turned a corner-stone. Of course not. I haven't even reached a year's anniversary of attaining my driver's license in Norway (it's the only good thing I've done, really) after moving here a couple years ago.

You know when your parents and family (if your parents even tell the latter);it's meant to be something you 'grow out of'. Well I've got news for y'all. I started self-harming at the age of fourteen; I never really stopped. I've even been through short bursts in my life where I thought I was 'good' - no such thing. I don't mean to discourage anyone here. I'm just really down in the dumps right now; I never really climbed out - but that doesn't mean that others won't!

Sorry for the pessimism; I'm just in a particularly bad stretch at the moment...

AireleeBray · #**526** 26th July 2018, 22:14

I think im guilty of blaming other people too much. I am the problem here i realise now

Dougella · #**527** 26th July 2018, 22:25

^ No, you are not the problem or a problem. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise.

Chess&Junkfood · #**528** 27th July 2018, 11:46

^^
I completely agree with what Dougella has said. I also think you come across as a really nice person.

AireleeBray · #**529** 28th July 2018, 11:35

^ thankyou both. i do feel like a outcast on this forum & i feel like i come across badly/annoying so thankyou Chess&Junkfood

Blackflies · #**530** 28th July 2018, 13:56

^ @AireleeBray- Don't know you personally but from what posts I have seen, you appear to be one of the most genuine and naturally empathetic posters on here with a lot of valuable input to offer, so a far cry from annoying. Think you just need a little more self belief because most people on here, like me, won't see you the way you see yourself. Even the best of us get a little insecure sometimes though so it's understandable to fall into periods of negative reflection on occasion. Self doubt can actually be a good trait- the world has too many arrogant people as it is & it shows you are a good person.

AireleeBray · #**531** 28th July 2018, 20:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blackflies

^ @AireleeBray- Don't know you personally but from what posts I have seen, you appear to be one of the most genuine and naturally empathetic posters on here with a lot of valuable input to offer, so a far cry from annoying. Think you just need a little more self belief because most people on here, like me, won't see you the way you see yourself. Even the best of us get a little insecure sometimes though so it's understandable to fall into periods of negative reflection on occasion. Self doubt can actually be a good trait- the world has too many arrogant people as it is & it shows you are a good person.

Thankyou so much Blackflies that has really touched me

gregarious_introvert · #**532** 7th August 2018, 11:47

^^ I know what you mean, Skitz; those out there who haven't been through real depression seem to think that depression is "feeling a bit down" so if you do something to cheer yourself up or keep busy, you'll forget about it. Sadly, it's pretty much impossible to make them understand that it's something which affects us even when we have every reason (ostensibly) to be happy.

As for having others to talk to, there are a number of us here, myself included (although I'm much less affected by depression in recent times than I have been in the past), who have experienced the reality of depression and know how hopeless it feels. Like itzum, I don't have anything useful to suggest, but I hope that you're able to ride it out until you can see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Consolida · #**533** 27th August 2018, 14:55

I wish I just ceased to exist.

Please don’t quote.

gregarious_introvert · #**534** 27th August 2018, 15:19

^I'm sorry to see you writing that, Muggins, although I have wished it myself often enough that I understand how you feel. Just please remember that there are people who love you and that there are many here who benefit from the help and support you offer us all.

I really hope that this feeling will pass quickly and that you can appreciate life again; you're someone who would be very sorely missed by many.

XIX · #**535** 27th August 2018, 18:15

^^ Had a good look at the SAUK forum for months before recently joining as it seemed a friendly place I could benefit from and try to contribute to.

Muggins, your posts were at the forefront of creating my positive impression of this forum, which helped encouraged me to join (no easy task, this is the only place I post or am a member of online).

I have no doubt you are valued far beyond what you allow yourself to believe Muggins.

Consolida · #**536** 28th August 2018, 14:58

@ gregarious introvert and XIX,
Thank you both of you for your very kind messages.
I’m still struggling a fair bit but the fact that you have taken the time to respond really does mean more to me than you could know xx

john smith · #**537** 31st August 2018, 01:15

Anything happened lately Skitz apart from the wedding you went to?

Consolida · #**538** 6th September 2018, 10:39

I’m so tired of living with this SA and Depression. It never gets any easier.

Bertignac · #**539** 6th September 2018, 12:12

Aw Muggins

When you're in depression's grip, it's really hard to see things differently. Added to that, the fact that you must still be missing your cat terribly, it's perfectly understandable that you're feeling really down. I hope you manage to enjoy one simple/little thing today and be kind enough to yourself to be actually satisfied by it.

Undecided · #**540** 6th September 2018, 12:18

^ Sorry you're feeling so low Muggins

Has anything specific happened, or is it just a build up of things? I know you never got back to my last message but I'm here if you ever want someone to talk to. EDIT: Just seen, so sorry to hear about your cat

I've been having such intense suicidal thoughts the last few days. Haven't felt this bad in years. The feeling of rejection is so painful and extreme that I can't even function properly. I actually thought I'd made a friend. Someone genuinely seemed to like me and said all these nice things about me, now I feel like they don't want to know me. I feel like I'm being lied to, but people will just accuse me of being paranoid.