Do you feel others make friends so easily?

[Wings]

I've been trying to make more friends for the last decade lol and find it impossibly hard. There's people I get on with at work but I've never managed to turn them in to anything other than colleagues.

I look around and it seems like everyone has a massive friendship circle. Even people who are not very nice!

I was out at lunch today sitting by myself and overheard these two people chatting. They spent the whole hour gossiping and complaining about their friends, and they seem to have loads of friends, and here I am thinking I would never backstab a friend like that!

[lone*star]

Originally Posted by Wings

They spent the whole hour gossiping and complaining about their friends, and they seem to have loads of friends, and here I am thinking I would never backstab a friend like that!

Maybe there's a hidden message about 'friends' there somewhere?

[Mr. Nobody]

no, not really,
but I would say that I can see that other people really work at making friends,
and consequently have got really good at it, to the point it seems natural.

I think it takes work, persistence, and an effort that isn't an effort,
or an effort that looks effortless, if that makes more sense,

people who make friends are giving a lot of themselves over,
they're putting themselves out there and not playing safe,
maybe that's the difference?

I'm just an old lazybones who doesn't really try and so deserves all they (don't) get.

[Wings]

I don't know what my problem is. Maybe I am not trying hard enough? If I try any harder I think it will come across desperate.

I feel like having friends is something most people manage to achieve. But for me it's some sort of life goal lol.

[snoo]

I sympathise. I am pretty much the same. Although I hate small talk so getting over the initial barrier is difficult.

My partner on the other hand picks up friends most places she goes. Sometimes I think it's easier for women. But it probably isn't, as clearly there are women that also struggle.

ISTM that most friendships take time and are based on some mutual interest. Now I come to realise it, it is doubly hard with SA. The last time I was remotely close to a new group I felt so inferior that the real me never came out, and then I gave up. So kudos for keeping on trying, I know it ain't easy.

[Wings]

^same here, I think I'm missing some years of socialising from when I was younger, hence the poor skill level

I read somewhere that friends are usually made through unplanned repeated contact, so I'm trying not to force it. I go to meetups and events but don't seem to make any lasting connections from these places.

edit: found the sentence - "key is meeting in a neutral space, repeated incidental exposure to each other, mutual interests and opportunities to reconnect. "

[clyde33]

I know, I've wondered about this before too and really don't know the answer.

I haven't made any real friends since school and that was over 20 years ago. I'm still friendly with my school friends although I don't see them as often as I'd like due to living around 300 miles away. I don't keep in touch with anyone from Uni. For me, it was easier to make friends when I was younger. At school for example, we're all in the same boat.

[Wings]

Originally Posted by GlasgowFilmTheatreFan

I go to meetups as well wings but haven't really made lasting connections from them either, quite often it's a rotating cast of characters at these meets, or people move on and stop coming when they are doing better, which is fair enough. I still enjoy the meets for what they are, which for me means a social situation with a bit of support available from the host (or, in the case of the bipolar support group I go to, two facilitators). I did a bit better for a while making friends with meets organised on this site but they have dried up in my local area, and it did take me a long while - years not months. I agree that some people have a gift for making friends and some people will have things easier, but I do the best I can and don't expect this area of life to be fair any more than any other area of life is. "If everyone threw down their problems in a pile, I'd quickly grab my own back" about sums up these things - yes I wish things were better, but there's other things in my life I am grateful for (like living in a city with a great music scene and a lovely arthouse cinema).

I found your post really helpful, thank you. You are so right, some people are just naturally better at it and given everyone's problems, I'd still pick my own. I actually met my fiancé from this forum so can't complain too much, I consider myself lucky as it is.

I attended a meetup yesterday with the London shyness group and found it quite challenging. There was a girl who I got on with and thought this is someone I could see myself being friends with. But then another girl joined the conversation and they had so much more in common to chat about, talking about bars, nightlight in posh areas in London etc, I really couldn't contribute.

But regardless I will keep going to meetups and enjoy them for what they are, and try not to stress too much about making lasting connections.

[snoo]

I know how you feel, Wings. I have viewed that shyness group and its events many times but have been too scared to go, for the reasons that other people may be better at the social stuff than I.

I have been thinking quite hard about it is seems so hard work, but for others its easy.

I think that part of it is to do with yourself. For instance, I hate talking about my life, or what I am. Part of me is ashamed, but only because of how society judges it. But that makes me quite a closed person and that isn't easy to forge a connection with.

Another thing is the situation. I've been to some meetups where the people change from week to week, or that there are fewer chances to socialise more (ie because of different parts of London), or that the people are simply unappealing to you as potential friends (no big deal).

So to me, it seems that a better way forward would be do something within interests, where the same people will come every week. That narrows it down to something like language lessons or sports (ie Go Mammoth), if I can get the guts.

Don't know if you have tried the London social anxiety meetup, but that is a bit more structured as there is someone leading the meeting.

[Wings]

Originally Posted by snoo

I know how you feel, Wings. I have viewed that shyness group and its events many times but have been too scared to go, for the reasons that other people may be better at the social stuff than I.

I have been thinking quite hard about it is seems so hard work, but for others its easy.

I think that part of it is to do with yourself. For instance, I hate talking about my life, or what I am. Part of me is ashamed, but only because of how society judges it. But that makes me quite a closed person and that isn't easy to forge a connection with.

Another thing is the situation. I've been to some meetups where the people change from week to week, or that there are fewer chances to socialise more (ie because of different parts of London), or that the people are simply unappealing to you as potential friends (no big deal).

So to me, it seems that a better way forward would be do something within interests, where the same people will come every week. That narrows it down to something like language lessons or sports (ie Go Mammoth), if I can get the guts.

Don't know if you have tried the London social anxiety meetup, but that is a bit more structured as there is someone leading the meeting.

I've come to the same conclusion about interests/sports. Unfortunately I'm not a sporty person so that one is out. I tried a language exchange meetup a few weeks ago and didn't enjoy it much - I felt like people were more focused on the language aspect and not so much on building friendships. And if people did seem interested in speaking to me I wondered if it was to do my language skills rather than anything else.

I'm not yet a member of the SA meetup but I did attend a coffee meet organised by SAFE (social anxiety friends etc) and afterwards we went for dinner. I really liked that one so going again this week.

As for interests I really don't have any that I could take a course in. I guess my interests are mostly generic (TV watching group lol?) or there's no suitable courses for making friends in, like salsa dancing. Not great for making girly friends!

[Undecided]

Originally Posted by Wings

I feel like having friends is something most people manage to achieve. But for me it's some sort of life goal lol.

I can relate to that. I remember talking to someone from here, telling them about how I've spent so much time and effort trying to make friends, yet never really getting to a place where I have them and can be content. It's weird, and sad and frustrating.

I'm more used to not having friends nowadays, but it does get me down from time to time. You miss those small things like having someone to go to the cinema with, or for a coffee. Things that most people take for granted.

I've had a much more active social life in the past(it's something I had a lot more time and freedom to pursue in the past, but unfortunately my circumstances have changed in the last couple of years) so it's not all doom and gloom lol. I've just never had those friends for life that so many people seem to have.

[Blackflies]

I envy people that just naturally fall into friendships. I can only make friendships if we meet online first when my guard is down and I can actually seem full of life. In real life, I just feel i'm a disappointment. I almost always put off meeting people because I feel i'll be a let down in basically every sense I can think of, if it will give me a reason to not meet them. If I get by the first meet and for some unknown reason they still like me, I convince myself I won't be able to maintain that vibe on the second meet without all the spontaneous random q's you can ask someone on the first. After all the second meet surely reveals the real you.

I remember being so jealous of my nephew who's only a few years apart from me and how he just magically made x number of friends within minutes, it seemed. Then there was me awkward by my mothers side waiting for her to introduce me to kids and tell them how to play with me. I've learned i'm not an initiator but if they approach me, i'm surprisingly friendly. I remember a guy approached me once just to tell me to drop my bitch guard. Lol i'm serious. Apparently, my body language is all "keep away from me". Sometimes I try to now smile at people. Something my sister always does and is very popular. But I feel like people just look back at me like i'm a r-etard or lesbian or something. Idk, I need to get out of my head and into the real world I think. Then maybe i'll actually realize I do have people that want to be friends, I just miss them while being distracted by my own distorted views.

Also, how do people bring up adding each other on fb and exchanging numbers so easily. This is a top skill. I feel like the cling on friend desperately waiting for the gift of being added to the whatsapp group so I can finally embarrass them.