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  #1  
Old 13th December 2018, 22:42
hollowone hollowone is offline
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Default Situations where ppl r on about things u can't contribute

Hi again,

was out at a bit of a dinner 2day with some1 who's a peripheral acquaintance & to cut a long story short much of the time the convo was on about stuff that I had no knowledge of.

Today I want to also bring up the topic of 'banter'; specifically those situations where you feel a) you 'have to' say something funny & b) where it feels like a competition & one-upmanship. Hate it. Just because I don't thrive in those situations doesn't mean I have no personality.

The third thing was the other people bragging about their sexual conquests making sarcastic references to a mate of mine who's also a bit behind. I thought I was going to be the target of such & my situation would be brought up & I'd be publicly humiliated.

Now, I had the comment 'you're being quiet' and managed to appear in control (phew).
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  #2  
Old 14th December 2018, 10:34
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: Situations where ppl r on about things u can't contribute

It can be tricky when you have no knowledge of the subject matter, but a lot depends on whether it's a subject you feel you might like to know more about; I know this is easier said than done, as many people may not feel confident enough to do so, but my advice would be to admit your ignorance and use the opportunity to ask questions. Some of us don't like to admit that we don't know about a subject (especially if it's one which seems to be prevalent in popular culture) and will try to bluff our way through, but I believe it's better to be honest. You never know, you might just find it more interesting than you realised - and people do like being asked about their interests.

Banter can walk a fine line between good-natured ribbing and hurtful insults; I've worked in a few places where banter seemed to be the main form of communication and/or bonding so I've got used to it over the years. It can be difficult for a lot of people to "give as good as you get", or to speak up if you think a line has been crossed. I've rarely had to say something like "I think that's bit below the belt, pull your head in" but I would if I had to - mostly, though, if I can't respond in kind, I'll deprecate myself to the point where the insults become meaningless (they do stop if they see they can't get to you - well, most of the time!).

I'm not really sure what to say about the bragging and the sarcastic references; I would probably suggest that they shouldn't comment about someone unless they're happy to repeat the same thing to their face, or they're present to defend themselves. Hollowone, you mention that you feared being publicly humiliated, but I'm hoping that wasn't the case? We all know that it's the person doing the bragging who is showing themselves in an unfavourable light, but that doesn't detract from the humiliation we feel when they turn their attention to us - but a comment along the lines of "Maybe I'm a little more selective than you" often works.

The problem with most of these situations is that, a lot of the time, we are so consumed by our anxieties that we can't think clearly; this is why we will go away and ruminate on the things we wish we had said, when it's far too late to say them. One tactic might be to imagine what might be said in advance and prepare what seems an off-the cuff quip beforehand, but even then we may not have the ability to recall it. Ultimately, each situation needs to be judged on its merits, but if we feel as if the only reason for our presence is to be ridiculed, then maybe the relationship is a toxic one and we would be better cutting that person from our lives?
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  #3  
Old 14th December 2018, 21:14
Mr. Nobody Mr. Nobody is offline
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Default Re: Situations where ppl r on about things u can't contribute

I tend to have little to contribute to conversations, I'm really more of a listener,
But today, when it was happening, I realised I'm a learner too,.. some people can be really interesting and informative,
Today, I learned some things about cats that I'd had no idea of before.

Conversation can be a learning experience too,.. which is good, because I'm not sure there's much else I could get from it, other than a jumpy leg and a twitch.
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  #4  
Old 14th December 2018, 21:54
BritishPeace BritishPeace is offline
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Default Re: Situations where ppl r on about things u can't contribute

I don***8217;t hang around with pricks.
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  #5  
Old 15th December 2018, 10:31
Coffee Coffee is offline
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Default Re: Situations where ppl r on about things u can't contribute

If I said everyone from Daarset chews grass, humps tractors and has 6 toes...despite being terrible comedy you might chuckle.

Because you know it's a joke.

It's probably not quite close enough to you personally that you can find the humour in it, and you'd probably enjoy having a friendly little dig back.

That's the value of banter; it's a bonding exercise.

Trouble is when we're all worried about how we are perceived we are on the defensive and it starts to look like some kind of victimising contest. In other words, it feels like there are level of risk with banter, but actually, you can start to frame the uncomfortable banter as though it's the comfortable banter.

The best thing to do is go into these situations with a plan. Rather than worry about banter and the specifics of "what to say and do" just resolve to laugh every time someone teases you. Find the humour in what currently feels like a negative and accept it in good humour.

That cuts through everything and it gives you a glimpse of what real self esteem feels like, and it's an awful lot less stress and effort which in turn helps other things socially like not overthinking about what to say all the time.

To get a little deeper, I think we counter productively defend our weaknesses to stop them being exposed. Letting a little daylight in like this starts to change that dynamic, gives you some leverage on yourself.

Lot to be learned from little social rituals like banter.
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  #6  
Old 15th December 2018, 12:24
T T is online now
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Default Re: Situations where ppl r on about things u can't contribute

I'm not much of a talker either much more of a listener
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  #7  
Old 15th December 2018, 15:56
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: Situations where ppl r on about things u can't contribute

Yes, this is a big problem for me as well. I carry so much shame and regret that people can really hurt me, often without realizing it. I'm in my early 40s now, and struggle when people get fuzzy and nostalgic. I'm ok when they stick to neutral stuff, like films, books, art exhibitions, etc, but once they get on about their youth ***8211; about sexual adventures, fun times at 'uni,' their gap year, their first job, old roommates, and so on, I tense up. Then I start lying, which just deepens my sense of shame and humiliation.
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Old 15th December 2018, 21:15
hollowone hollowone is offline
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Default Re: Situations where ppl r on about things u can't contribute

OK thanks a lot for the replies. I should have done two other threads to cover the other topics

1. Regarding the 'conversation being on about things you can't contribute to'; I was merely on about the conversation being on about things such as movies, actors & generally things that I'm not that interested in & 'in' jokes and other things. The source of stress, being 'quiet', feeling like a foreigner in a country where I don't know the language.

2. As far as banter is concerned, I have no problem with it at all, what I don't like is that sense of pressure to 'be funny' say a funny comeback, when people look at you, knock down your attempts or otherwise make you feel you 'have to'. What upset me was being told 'loosen up'. The thing is, the guy in question wasn't actually all that funny. The worst way to bring out sense of humour is to put on the pressure to be funny. There's no 'right' or 'wrong' sense of humour (thinking in those ways is the way to kill your own).

3. As for the third point; taking the piss out of my other mate like that, first, I thought was just poor taste second; there has been times when this people have tried to PUCLICLY FORCE people who've been with us to disclose things they don't want to when they're clearly uncomfortable. Some people love it and want to anal **** people who behave this way but looking back, not many people found it amusing, not just me.

These are people I don't really have all that much in common with, it's difficult to describe.
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  #9  
Old 15th December 2018, 21:24
hollowone hollowone is offline
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Default Re: Situations where ppl r on about things u can't contribute

@ coffee

There's no problem with a little bit of leg pulling like this, I hope I didn't come across like that
Quote:
If I said everyone from Daarset chews grass, humps tractors and has 6 toes...despite being terrible comedy you might chuckle.
I pull people's leg like that myself (when there's no pressure to 'be funny' that is).

It's only when someone pressurizes me to 'be funny', or knocks and criticizes my jokes, makes a joke then looks around with a forced laugh checking everyone's laughing, gives me that one-upping gaze 'I'm better than you, come on, top that's when my natural ability gets shut down.
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