Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Originally Posted by Vienna

...plus they must cost a fortune.
Can someone tell me how the hell they manage to pay for things for them , especially if you're on benefits...

I simply couldn't afford to have kids even if I wanted them. The cost of adequately providing for children must be horrific, and that's before we even get started on the cost of the gadgets, clothes etc that they all want to keep abreast of peer/societal pressures.

On holiday just recently I heard the mother in the apartment next door complaining to her three young children that they had to rein in the spending because they had gone through 700 euros and were only mid-day on the third day of their stay. Holy crap, my parner and I didn't even go through that much between us on our entire nine night self-catering stay.

[Hayman]

My opinion since last November when I posted in this thread hasn't changed. Given my age (now 32), I'd rather not bother. I was very much up for having them in my mid 20's when it seems to be the time most seem to have them. I felt ready but without even a date to my name, I do feel well and truly 'cheated' out of an ordinary family life.

"What if the right person come along?" some will ask. Let's just say someone did***8230; Highly unlikely, but let***8217;s just gloss over the painful truth for a second***8230; What would it take? Well, simple really***8230; I'd want the same amount 'fun times' as a couple before having children ***8211; which seems to typically range from five to ten years judging upon former friends of mine (almost 12 years in one particular case). I'd want a fair share of that quality time as a couple and I'd refuse to rush. It's not fair on me. I've already missed out on 16 years of 'fun times' so far and I would want to have a good portion of that back without compromise. I know at my age, this would rule me out as female body clocks are ticking but in my defence ***8211; I've always been available for 'careful selection' and always been ready to 'tango'. It isn't a sudden decision I've made***8230; I've always been there. Ignored and ruled out. The fact that I've never been selected to enjoy what comes to the vast majority of people, quite frankly, isn't solely my fault. Not with the genuine effort I know I've made, especially since the end of my 20's. I will not be demonised for other people's bad choices in the past or much more common these days - promiscuity.

Again as I said last year though, I never had any intention on being an older father so I've pretty much accepted it's a ship that's already long since sailed for me. I have no intentions on rushing to having a main course when I***8217;ve not had starters yet***8230;or even given the menu.

Originally Posted by Schmosby

and due to the gynocentric society we live in, the mother would most likely gain custody.

An excellent point, there***8230; That***8217;s another big reason why I'd now prefer to not have children without any written prenuptial agreement made.

[boots35]

Nope, am never having kids; it would be like being in a prison

[wd40mk17.4]

Yeah it bothers me,
I think partly expectations of my family, and society, partly because of a pretty weak need to have something to focus on, something to add meaning and purpose to my life. ( not the best reasoning to have kids )
Sometimes I feel like I'm drifting through life, and having kids would crystallise that and force me to be a better functioning member of society.

But instead I'll get a dog.

[Sphinx]

I really can't decide. They can bring you a lot of joy, many people say it's the best thing they ever did. Though I guess that's not the case for everyone.

I don't know if I could cope with it and would be terrified of messing them up/bringing them into a horrible harsh world etc.

I like the idea of having a family unit as I don't really have much of a family anymore. A lot of them have died. Just have no idea if I'll ever find the right person who I could trust enough to settle down with.

[Tembo]

Originally Posted by wd40mk17.4

But instead I'll get a dog.

Thats not such a bad idea. Dogs are better than humans.

[Merritt]

I doubt I'll ever want kids, but more importantly I don't think I ever should have kids. It's fairly dubious that I'm allowed to tie my own shoe laces, let alone be responsible for the development of a human life. I think I'd have as many reservations about getting the snip as I would having a tooth taken out.

[Ronnie_Pickering]

or even simpler:
no walks necessary

[Clement Fandango]

It***8217;s a complex question for me. I***8217;m 35 now and haven***8217;t been in a relationship for 8 or 9 years now, major stumbling block right! That said, if I could get motivated I***8217;m sure I could meet someone. Then there is the question of how wise it is to risk passing on some of the mental health issues that I have had/have.

There is a part of me that wants kids and I feel I have the financial base to provide a decent enough lifestyle, certainly if my partner worked. It is up in the air. I wonder if I will be alone forever and if so, if that really bothers me all that much. I feel that perhaps it is societal pressure that makes me want kids a bit, in that it would validate me in some way whilst also being aware that is not a good reason to have children. Many conflicting feelings about it all.

[Clement Fandango]

Originally Posted by vaxjo

I also think that part of the loss is felt from the fact that having kids would validate my existence but I think there would be a biological urge even without societal pressure.

For me there was never a question of me having kids, I just dont have the social skills needed so instead i travelled the world with the money I saved and never thought about having children,but as I said it just hit one day out of the blue a longing for a family.

And you can't get over this longing?

[Clement Fandango]

Originally Posted by vaxjo

Only thought about it once today so I guess I can for now I guess I had the shortest mid life crisis in history!!!

Good to hear.

[Blackflies]

I don't think I fear having children as much as it's that I fear picking the wrong father to breed me. I couldn't bare to end up a lone parent. Yet I adore solitude. Ha maybe that's why- he's essential to give myself a break. I'm getting to the age now where I'm going to really have to address my fear of attachment and let someone in so that I can have a family some day (God allowing). But this terrifies me. There's so much I need to change about myself before motherhood and I'm no where near there yet. My friend tells me I'm strong enough to be a single parent and I suppose if push come to shove, I'd survive but I can't imagine so without a man to hold me up when I can barely get out of bed during my depressive bouts. I also worry that the father will use this fear as a manipulation to keep me controlled and I'll end up loosing myself. But if I'm already lost, my fear is really quite irrational. I hope I don't wait too long trying to fix myself alone, before I realise that in order to have a child, you really have to give up your ego and let a partner in.

[anxiouslondoner]

^I misread that as dead at 62! Well it's happened to so many celebrities lately....

[Blackflies]

Originally Posted by john smith

I guess it's never to late to have children. Helps if your rich though

Rowan Atkinson to be dad at 62

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainm...cid=spartandhp

Girlfriend is nearly half his age (32) so maybe that helps. Don't know if it works in reverse if women are able to have children later on in life.

If Mr Bean can get someone pregnant at 62 or any age for that matter, there's hope for us all.

Men can generally get a woman pregnant in late age but their sperm is "crappy" from 40 onwards supposedly.

[choirgirl]

I love the incredibly short mid-life crisis. I'm convinced a lot of women end up having kids because they feel really broody for a short period of time, get pregnant quickly, and bam! that's it. I'm not sure it's a really sustained desire for everyone. And the guys end up going along with it or not. I realise for some people it is a really sustained desire, something they've wanted all their lives, but I really think the accident/having a baby on a whim factor is more common than recognised. Then they have kid number two, because, there's no point going to all that effort just for the one kid. You might as well have two.

As for how people afford it, tax credits. I mean, I know lots of people just earn enough, but I assume we're talking about the people that don't. In the noughties I had no idea how many people were on them, even quite high up the earnings ladder, or how much they were worth. Or that you could claim them if you had savings. Or that you could put them on a mortgage application and have them counted as income. Anyway, when I found out it explained a lot. Basically the value of family benefits (and housing benefit) has rocketed in the last 15 years. That's how some people can afford it. They can't really. Family benefits include help with childcare costs, better maternity leave, so that more mothers work, so even if the dad has a shittier job than in the past, things still work out the same or better. Sure, people stop spending money on themselves and buy their kids stuff instead. But it's mainly the value of family benefits. (It's also why they cut disability benefits and the dole so severely. It's because most people aren't on those and think they'll never need them, but millions are claiming tax credits for years so those have more value to them and they don't want those cut. )

[MJC]

Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

No.

[Lone Dog]

Originally Posted by Blackflies

but their sperm is "crappy" from 40 onwards supposedly.

I read something about that at one point. My father was late 40s when I was born, so it might explain my issues.

I'm older than that now, so I wouldn't want to pass any of this to another generation. However, I must say I never thought of having children, it didn't particularly appeal to me, and I find children frightening. Also, it takes two to tango, and I'm alone.

[Lone Dog]

Originally Posted by jinny

it is more a problem for women, who's fertility drops after about 30 & the older your eggs get the more likely you are to have a child with some kind of disability.

My mum was around 40 as well. Me getting some clapped-out DNA might explain a few things!

[sillypenguin]

My current reasons for not wanting kids include being a student with no career, very little money, don't own my own house, I'm never around kids so they make me feel awkward as hell me, no maternal instinct can't even look after myself most of the time, partner also doesn't want kids, I'd rather have a dog (which I can't cos I rent), also the constant anxiety and depression.

Plus no way would I get up like 10 times a night for a screaming child, I need my sleep lol. Also the planet is far too overpopulated anyways, imo that means I don't need to have them. Plus my ovaries don't work properly anyways so biologically it would be a challenge to even conceive in the first place *shrugs*

[newbs16]

When I was young I did think that one day I would get married and have children but I'm 31 now and the practical, emotional and responsibility of having children does seem a daunting prospect.

I am a Auntie and I do like children but I would be very surprised if I have any of my own. If I was in a good financial position, owned my own home and was in a happy relationship that I think I may feel differently but at the moment I don't think I will ever have any children of my own.

At least in years to come the only person I will be responsible for will be myself, my parents won't be around anymore and hopefully my sister will be happy with her own family, this is a depressing thought at three o'clock in the morning.

I am a kind and loving person and I would probably make a good mother but I think it's probably best to leave motherhood to women who can cope a lot better than me.

[ynwa247]

My genetic line must end with me.

[Ziggy]

I don't have much in the way of social ties, but I do compare myself with them (and feel judged) on not having children, but more so not having any desire to have any. Not much to be done, I'm not going to get someone pregnant to fit in.

[newbs16]

To be honest if I was in a better financial position I would consider having a child but only if I was in a relationship with someone who I loved and I knew that he would support me, because having a child would be hard.

I sometimes do wonder what the future might bring but deep down I can't see me having children because I would be worried if I would be able to cope and what if I was a rubbish mother, I can't just send them back.

I think having a child would be very special but I don't think I'm in a position mentally to ever be a mother.

[Daniel1984]

Being born means to suffer, as well as feel pleasure, but that the foregoing of pleasure (Not existing) is not as bad as the presence of suffering.

You are doing right by not bringing a child into existence. As i personally put my unborn child's well-being before my own, ill never inflict life on it.

[Dougella]

^ Were you able to have that done on the NHS, if it's ok to ask?

[hellotiger]

When I was a child I always imagined I'd have children, never a partner just somehow having 3 children When I got to my teen years I came to realise that I didn't want them and that I don't actually like children all that much.
My nieces were born when I was 15 and, me being the youngest child, they were my first proper interaction with babies. I didn't bond with them in the way that I expected to, I didn't feel love for them, even now with them at 16 I don't love them the way that I love my sisters. I worried and still do that I wouldn't feel a bond with my own child. Also being around them all the time I started to notice how irritating children are. The endless chatter and screaming and noise.
I saw how my sisters became less than they were, tired and angry all the time and their lives completely taken over. Perhaps it's selfish but I've never been ready to give up my life for another person.
So I realised that having children wasn't for me.
There's some other contributing factors like; I don't feel financially stable enough and doubt I ever will be in my low paying job, I would worry about bringing a child into such a shitty world, potentially passing down bad genes (heart problems), being raised by a mother like me with anxiety and bpd.
People say that I'll want them one day but it hasn't happened so far.

[Toxic]

I'm sure people think their own kids are great...but a lot of places you read stuff its people complaining that now they have their kids they lost their free time or they can't do this/that anymore

Every single time I do wonder why they hell did they have them in the first place if they are just going to complain. If I made a conscious decision to have a child I would be under the assumption that I'd never have any free time again for about 10 years and I probably wouldn't be sleeping for the next couple of years either

I doubt I'll ever be in a relationship again, I'm not relationship material but I'd be more than happy to have the snip to avoid any little "accidents" not a fekking chance, ya get less for murder.

[Dougella]

^ I thought it must be pretty difficult to get on the NHS. I've read about the women who've had to fight for years too. It seems doctors say that a woman might change her mind, but surely we should have the right to determine what happens to our own bodies!

[Spectrelight]

Originally Posted by Toxic

I'm sure people think their own kids are great...but a lot of places you read stuff its people complaining that now they have their kids they lost their free time or they can't do this/that anymore

Every single time I do wonder why they hell did they have them in the first place if they are just going to complain. If I made a conscious decision to have a child I would be under the assumption that I'd never have any free time again for about 10 years and I probably wouldn't be sleeping for the next couple of years either

I doubt I'll ever be in a relationship again, I'm not relationship material but I'd be more than happy to have the snip to avoid any little "accidents" not a fekking chance, ya get less for murder.

Yes that The last time I saw a former relative of mine she was drunk at a wedding moaning how she can***8217;t do anything because she has kids and I***8217;m standing there wanting say she should have thought about that before she had them before the age of 20. At least she got a council flat out of it I suppose.

The snip is great idea for me as I***8217;d rather jump in front of train than intentionally impregnate a woman so I should probably eliminate the possibility of it happening by accident. Unfortunately that involves going to a doctor in a non life or death situation. I might get round to it eventually.

[Toxic]

^^ Ahh how the truth comes out when people have a few too many drinks

^ To be fair a lot of my life is like that, somehow..many years ago when I was coming to the end of my childhood and turning into an adult ..its like my sat nav that was leading me into adulthood..decided to lose signal and I've just been wandering round lost ever since

It feels easier to ignore it then dwell on it..otherwise I'd be a right ruddy grump (even more than I am already!)