Driving Lessons with Anxiety

bey0ndanxious · #1 19th September 2017, 14:17

Hi so I've been learning to drive for a few months now and my anxiety is really getting in the way of me getting the hang of it. I'm now with a second instructor and I pressure myself so much to get things right, not for my benefit but HIS. Not because I care what he specifically thinks, but just because he's another human being who's judging me and I get embarrassed when I make mistakes. Ugh it's so silly even writing this and I know it's irrational to think this way but I can't help it because of my anxiety. Because I'm so worried about him watching me and correcting me (this is his job so obviously he does this) I take things so personally and get flustered and make even more mistakes. Basically I'm writing this in the hopes for some reassurance that others have felt this way and have passed their test nonetheless.

bey0ndanxious · #2 19th September 2017, 16:02

Thank you this isn't crap advice at all! I love hearing personal stories, it makes me feel better & less alone. I definitely get way into my own head and insecurities. Just need to learn to brush off the mistakes and keep trying!

OMG I'm so impressed with your courage to try again after your second test honestly that's amazing, I can't judge when to go at junctions properly and feel like such an idiot.

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Oddity · #3 19th September 2017, 16:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vienna

If you make a mistake- so what- we all do, it's how we learn =)

I wish I'd known this when I was young!

I'm learning to drive, but thankfully I'm strangely confident

I think I've seen so much shocking driving I know they clearly let people FAR worse on the roads than me!

Some YouTubers I've found helpful:
World Driving
1stdrive
Advance Driving School

Velcro-Touch · #4 19th September 2017, 16:53

He's seen plenty of worse drivers than you and he still gets your money whether you're good or bad so don't feel under pressure

I used to get nervous before lessons too but it's only an hour then you can relax, got anxious during tests too failed a few, now I've been driving for 8 years and drive for a living.

Oddity · #5 19th September 2017, 17:19

^ There's quite a few myths about driving tests! Stalling is OK as long as it's not constant, causing anything unsafe or impeding anyone

bey0ndanxious · #6 20th September 2017, 00:08

Thank you so much for these tips & especially for the YouTube links! Honestly I think it's so easy to be your own worst enemy when learning to drive that sometimes you just need others to help put things in perspective for you

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Ajax Amsterdam · #7 20th September 2017, 01:30

Quote:

Originally Posted by bey0ndanxious

Basically I'm writing this in the hopes for some reassurance that others have felt this way and have passed their test nonetheless.

I felt very similar when I was learning to drive. Being observed while performing any task was always a massive anxiety trigger for me, so learning to drive was difficult. I'd be close to throwing up before every lesson. I'd be running up to the toilet every five minutes too.

On lessons I stalled hundreds of times. Made mistake after mistake. I mounted the kerb a few times.

To be honest, I struggled with every aspect. My instructor even said that he could see that it wasn't just the mechanics of driving I was struggling with, it was my anxiety, fear etc too. I felt like quitting at the end of virtually every lesson.

To cut a long story short, it took me two years of lessons, but I passed my test first time. I honestly never thought I could do it, but sticking with it was one of the best things I ever did in my life.

If I could offer any advice to a nervous learner then I would say definitely stick in there and keep going. Crucially, I'd say to always be aware that mistakes are all part of the learning process. We cannot learn unless we make mistakes. Mistakes are our friend, because they guide us and are great teachers if we use them wisely. So, be prepared to make mistakes. I made the same ones over and over again but eventually I got it right more often than I got it wrong.

Instructors have seen it all before. They will not have had a single pupil in their car that has not made numerous mistakes. People who have been driving for decades still make mistakes, so don't be too hard on yourself when you make them. When we allow ourselves room to make mistakes and we realise that they are a normal and natural part of any learning process, we can relax more, and ironically, we tend to make fewer mistakes. But even when we do make them, we don't beat ourselves up over it.

It's good to learn to sit with our anxiety at times. Learning to drive is not easy. It's multi-tasking on a grand scale. We have our inner world (thoughts/bodily sensations) to deal with. Another human being in the car to relate to. The multi-tasking of gears/steering/indicating/mirrors etc which constitute the mechanics of driving as well as having to be alert to everything external to the car, such as signs, road marking, bikes, pedestrians, hazards, other drivers etc...

My point there is that the learner driver has a lot on their plate, and anxiety in such a situation is in context. It's normal. The instructor is fully aware of this fact, too. Accepting that anxiety and mistakes are normal and natural in this context can actually help take some of the pressure off.

Anyway, I've been driving 17 years now and I love it. It's been a life-changer for me. I started late too. I was around 38, and had been too terrified to even try to learn before that. I used to get nervous just sat behind the wheel of my brother's car when it was parked on the drive with no keys in the ignition.

Stick in there. You can get there and no doubt will if you keep going. I wish you all the best.

Toxic · #8 20th September 2017, 09:44

I guess it depends on your instructor

I had one when I was 19, I paced up and down and felt sick waiting for him to pull up, I spent the whole lesson feeling sick..he used to shout at me all the time and I just wanted to slam the brakes on in the middle of a roundabout and walk off just to piss him off

..I never did but..

I only had a few lessons with him and decided the whole thing was far too stressful and gave up..spent the next 6 years fretting and feeling useless for not being able to drive..

I eventually forced myself to try again when I was 26..This time I had a different sort of instructor, I still felt sick pacing up and down and I still felt sick most of the time I was driving, the difference was he used to pretend (well not always pretend) but he would purposely use his phone for texting and stuff to leave me to handle things. "so your on your phone, what happens if we crash" .."thats not my problem is it, your driving!"

He was good, you knew he was always alert if something did happen but he just let me get on with it, would let me do something I probably shouldnt have then casually past comment later down the road, that was a bit stupid wasnt it? ...Oh yeah I guess

I think..if your anxious about driving, your always going to be anxious about it, for me its the worst thing I ever did..but you have to keep at it, theres going to be people out there much worse than you, he would tell me stories of people getting confused with left and right (and I mean going forward!) and showing me various wounds the car had taken from people who really shouldn't be allowed on the road

I still struggle with driving personally (I passed my second test) , it is much easier when your on your own though and no ones silently judging you, just got to think of the end goal!

Mr. Nobody · #9 20th September 2017, 10:34

Not wanting you to change instructors again,
But your instructor should ideally make you feel comfortable and relaxed,
Good driving is about your demeanour just as much as other factors,
So it's key that you feel right before driving,
If it's their attitude that is putting you off then things might not change,
It's NOT about impressing anyone, it's about you being able to drive competently and safely, that's all.
If your instructor is giving advice and direction, take it on board and integrate it into your driving,
See yourself driving in the near future and try and take whatever you can from your instructor, they aren't important, your future driving is,
Everything is a learning opportunity towards that.

I somehow managed to pass 1st time, but driving itself always interested me, and I think I've always enjoyed driving itself,
Do you enjoy driving, or do you see it as a necessary evil, or just a means to an end?
Perhaps if you made it more about acquiring a new, enjoyable skill things may look different?
I've since taken up advanced driving, which is like learning to drive all over again.

bey0ndanxious · #10 21st September 2017, 15:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ajax Amsterdam

I felt very similar when I was learning to drive. Being observed while performing any task was always a massive anxiety trigger for me, so learning to drive was difficult. I'd be close to throwing up before every lesson. I'd be running up to the toilet every five minutes too.

On lessons I stalled hundreds of times. Made mistake after mistake. I mounted the kerb a few times.

To be honest, I struggled with every aspect. My instructor even said that he could see that it wasn't just the mechanics of driving I was struggling with, it was my anxiety, fear etc too. I felt like quitting at the end of virtually every lesson.

To cut a long story short, it took me two years of lessons, but I passed my test first time. I honestly never thought I could do it, but sticking with it was one of the best things I ever did in my life.

If I could offer any advice to a nervous learner then I would say definitely stick in there and keep going. Crucially, I'd say to always be aware that mistakes are all part of the learning process. We cannot learn unless we make mistakes. Mistakes are our friend, because they guide us and are great teachers if we use them wisely. So, be prepared to make mistakes. I made the same ones over and over again but eventually I got it right more often than I got it wrong.

Instructors have seen it all before. They will not have had a single pupil in their car that has not made numerous mistakes. People who have been driving for decades still make mistakes, so don't be too hard on yourself when you make them. When we allow ourselves room to make mistakes and we realise that they are a normal and natural part of any learning process, we can relax more, and ironically, we tend to make fewer mistakes. But even when we do make them, we don't beat ourselves up over it.

It's good to learn to sit with our anxiety at times. Learning to drive is not easy. It's multi-tasking on a grand scale. We have our inner world (thoughts/bodily sensations) to deal with. Another human being in the car to relate to. The multi-tasking of gears/steering/indicating/mirrors etc which constitute the mechanics of driving as well as having to be alert to everything external to the car, such as signs, road marking, bikes, pedestrians, hazards, other drivers etc...

My point there is that the learner driver has a lot on their plate, and anxiety in such a situation is in context. It's normal. The instructor is fully aware of this fact, too. Accepting that anxiety and mistakes are normal and natural in this context can actually help take some of the pressure off.

Anyway, I've been driving 17 years now and I love it. It's been a life-changer for me. I started late too. I was around 38, and had been too terrified to even try to learn before that. I used to get nervous just sat behind the wheel of my brother's car when it was parked on the drive with no keys in the ignition.

Stick in there. You can get there and no doubt will if you keep going. I wish you all the best.

Thanks so much. This is the exact advise I needed to help me relax more. The reassurance I feel when I hear that others feel/felt how I do is more than you know. So thanks again for your response .

bey0ndanxious · #11 21st September 2017, 15:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carbon(cycle)Fodder

Not wanting you to change instructors again,
But your instructor should ideally make you feel comfortable and relaxed,
Good driving is about your demeanour just as much as other factors,
So it's key that you feel right before driving,
If it's their attitude that is putting you off then things might not change,
It's NOT about impressing anyone, it's about you being able to drive competently and safely, that's all.
If your instructor is giving advice and direction, take it on board and integrate it into your driving,
See yourself driving in the near future and try and take whatever you can from your instructor, they aren't important, your future driving is,
Everything is a learning opportunity towards that.

I somehow managed to pass 1st time, but driving itself always interested me, and I think I've always enjoyed driving itself,
Do you enjoy driving, or do you see it as a necessary evil, or just a means to an end?
Perhaps if you made it more about acquiring a new, enjoyable skill things may look different?
I've since taken up advanced driving, which is like learning to drive all over again.

Hi! I do enjoy driving, it actually calms me down a lot which is hard to believe considering I get so anxious before hand. I think, like some people have said, it's the being observed and judged thing that gets me so worked up. My instructor is great! Very calm, talkative and helpful, he never shouts when I do something wrong and generally teaches me really well. You'd think after hearing those traits in my instructor that I'd feel relaxed before the lessons and when I get things wrong but no. Same feeling each time, when I go home I beat myself up over my mistakes. It's clearly my own insecurities that are my enemy here so I'm trying my best not to let it deter me, especially if I fail first time because that stresses me out too! (Because of the judgement from others - even though I know it doesn't matter what they think)

Anxiety is draining lol.

bey0ndanxious · #12 21st September 2017, 15:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toxic

I guess it depends on your instructor

I had one when I was 19, I paced up and down and felt sick waiting for him to pull up, I spent the whole lesson feeling sick..he used to shout at me all the time and I just wanted to slam the brakes on in the middle of a roundabout and walk off just to piss him off

..I never did but..

I only had a few lessons with him and decided the whole thing was far too stressful and gave up..spent the next 6 years fretting and feeling useless for not being able to drive..

I eventually forced myself to try again when I was 26..This time I had a different sort of instructor, I still felt sick pacing up and down and I still felt sick most of the time I was driving, the difference was he used to pretend (well not always pretend) but he would purposely use his phone for texting and stuff to leave me to handle things. "so your on your phone, what happens if we crash" .."thats not my problem is it, your driving!"

He was good, you knew he was always alert if something did happen but he just let me get on with it, would let me do something I probably shouldnt have then casually past comment later down the road, that was a bit stupid wasnt it? ...Oh yeah I guess

I think..if your anxious about driving, your always going to be anxious about it, for me its the worst thing I ever did..but you have to keep at it, theres going to be people out there much worse than you, he would tell me stories of people getting confused with left and right (and I mean going forward!) and showing me various wounds the car had taken from people who really shouldn't be allowed on the road

I still struggle with driving personally (I passed my second test) , it is much easier when your on your own though and no ones silently judging you, just got to think of the end goal!

Thank you!! That's exactly what I'm trying to do - think of the end goal, independence! I rely on others so much to get around, and with being at university and having a job it's just so inconvenient and difficult at the minute so I'm tying to push past my anxiety and get it done haha! Hope you become comfortable with driving eventually, if not, you should still be proud of following through and getting in that car every single time!

Ajax Amsterdam · #13 23rd September 2017, 01:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by bey0ndanxious

...Same feeling each time, when I go home I beat myself up over my mistakes. It's clearly my own insecurities that are my enemy here so I'm trying my best not to let it deter me, especially if I fail first time because that stresses me out too! (Because of the judgement from others - even though I know it doesn't matter what they think) ...

Hi, bey0ndanxious.

The funny thing about beating ourselves up over our performance is, that done correctly, it's not actually such a bad thing. By that, I mean it's not too far away from something very positive. Namely: reflective practice. The ability to look at what we did, then learn from it. To identify our mistakes and look to improve on them. To also recognise what we did right and accept and embrace that too. This awareness is no bad thing. In fact, such conscientiouness can be a big thing in our favour. Being aware of where we went wrong is crucial for putting it right. So I suppose I'm suggesting framing this in your mind in a slightly different way.

As I already said in my other post; mistakes are normal, natural and inevitable things within the learning process. What matters is what we learn from them.

Failing first time? I just got lucky on the day and passed, but so many people don't. I remember an ex of mine. She was a confident learner, didn't have any anxieties other than the normal anxieties of learning, which everyone gets. But she failed two or three times on the trot and almost gave up. On her tests things just didn't go her way on the day. It happens. She did eventually stick with it and she eventually passed.

Keep going, and you will get there. It might be first time, or it might not. But keep on going and you will pass. Just try to give yourself some space and try not to pressure yourself so much if you can.

I wish you all the best.

bey0ndanxious · #14 24th September 2017, 19:48

Thank you Ajax Amsterdam. Especially for helping me realise that I should turn the negative into a positive. I shall update this thread when I subsequently pass or fail my test!

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Ajax Amsterdam · #15 24th September 2017, 22:10

^
You're welcome. Good luck.

sillypenguin · #16 26th September 2017, 23:53

I think I have an actual driving phobia, started driving lessons in 2014 (been on and off since then) and still haven't passed. Only had two tests though, I was so traumatised from the first one it took me over a year to get back in a driving seat again. Nothing tragic actually happened, I was just terrified of being in a test situation

bey0ndanxious · #17 28th September 2017, 12:34

What do you think makes you terrified of the test scenario? Are you okay driving when the possibility of a test is gone?

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sillypenguin · #18 3rd October 2017, 00:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by bey0ndanxious

What do you think makes you terrified of the test scenario? Are you okay driving when the possibility of a test is gone?

Well I'm OK when doing lessons but still not great. I don't like the guy sitting beside me with his clipboard tbh, I don't like people watching me and judging me, which I know is the whole point

bey0ndanxious · #19 3rd October 2017, 09:33

No I completely get that! I'm the exact same. Being watched is what puts me off because I'm worried he's judging me even though he isn't! It's so frustrating. I got back from a lesson the other day and cried my eyes out because my instructor kept telling me I was doing things wrong (his job) and I took it so personally and got embarrassed. Anxiety is a bitch right?

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sillypenguin · #20 3rd October 2017, 22:16

Yup tell me about it! I hate taking things so personally

bey0ndanxious · #21 4th October 2017, 00:13

It's so reassuring to hear! I put so much pressure on myself to pass quickly. The only one judging me is myself really. I have a lesson tomorrow and I'm already so nervous about it. Feels as though I'll never be ready, but considering you kept motivated and passed in the end, if I just keep that in mind I should be OK hopefully

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Ajax Amsterdam · #22 4th October 2017, 02:32

^
Just keep going.

You'll get there eventually. I know I've said this in the thread before, but it took me two years to reach test standard, and even then the lesson prior to my test was a disaster. Biscuits says she took around three years to reach test standard too. We both passed in the end. You can, and will too, if you stick with it.

Also, try to go easy on yourself. You are confronting your fears head-on here. Being observed learning something is an SA nightmare. You are confronting this (and trying to master the road and a vehicle) whilst knowing full well it's not going to be easy at all. You are showing guts here. Add perseverance to that and you will surely get there. Try to give yourself some credit for looking your fear in the eye carrying on regardless. There are many, many people in your shoes who would simply not even get into the car in the first place.

You say you feel like you'll never be ready. I felt like that too, but at the beginning of anything it is difficult to envisage how we may feel at the end. Also, once we pass we may wonder what all the fuss was about. I know looking back now it feels like it was another person going through the panic rather than me.

Something I actually laugh about now is the fact that I wouldn't have a clue how to bunny-hop my car even if I wanted to do so. Strange that, because I was expert at it when I was learning to drive.

Anyway, stick in there, and good luck for tomorrow.

bey0ndanxious · #23 5th October 2017, 10:50

I've read this message a million times for reassurance that it'll all work out in the end. Thank you Ajax Amsterdam. I've had a particularly bad day with a string of panic attacks. Missed class this morning and really struggling to find the motivation for this lesson today. I don't feel like doing a lesson with tears streaming down my face

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Ajax Amsterdam · #24 5th October 2017, 11:54

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a tough day.

Take care of yourself, and all the best for your lesson.

ynwa247 · #25 5th October 2017, 15:08

My teacher was quite calm to be honest, though my first teacher shouted a lot so I swapped (I felt really pressured about telling him I wanted to stop however)

bey0ndanxious · #26 5th October 2017, 15:56

Thank you I didn't make my lesson today, it was too hard. But I will try again tomorrow. Trying to stay positive!

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Ajax Amsterdam · #27 5th October 2017, 16:02

Don't worry. It happens. The important thing is that you keep going. You'll get there.

bey0ndanxious · #28 6th October 2017, 14:25

Thank you

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KGDPsych · #29 9th October 2017, 20:50

I took a high number of tests as i was quite anxious. Managed to eventually pass by pretending the instructor was just a bossy relative. I've been driving for a number of years now and find it a million times easier than during my lessons (comes naturally now.. it didn't during lessons).. my advice is use Bachs remedy (probably a placebo but it worked for me) and keep going! Every time you fail a test you become more and more of an expert. After the number i failed to eventually pass i am the words best expert now :-)

bey0ndanxious · #30 10th October 2017, 12:36

Thank you KGDPsych! My main issue is pressure - from myself mainly. Any interaction with others is an ordeal so being in an I closed space for an hour or whatever with another person who's watching me (a very insecure, low self esteemed individual) is hell. I have to work myself up to go like 2 days in advance, it's so draining. I have a test booked for two weeks, I don't feel ready and was going to push it back, but I think I'll do it and if I fail- I fail! I'll try again and know where my issues lie. Thanks again for your advice - the more anecdotes in this thread, the better! They really help me. Congradulations on overcoming your anxiety qnd passing your test btw.

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