Uhhh

[Gomen]

I get nervous around females I find attractive. Is that weird or considered creepy? I can talk to women coworkers real easy but outside of there it's difficult.

I think many of you will consider it creepy because it happens to girls I don't know I just find them attractive. Usually the biggest thing is I avoid eye contact when they are talking to me and look around the room.

[Mr. Nobody]

It's not easy, but I think we perhaps unwittingly put people we find attractive on a kind of pedestal,
Our hormones inadvertently elevate these people to a great height,
thus raising our own anxiety, stress, and fight or flight responses etc.

As Hermann Hesse said,.it's a sport,...
or at least, our hormonal responses can react to the situation as if it were a sport /competition,
..and then, us nervous, negative types see failure looming and are caught between giving it our best shot and running in fear, ..
But the whole silly mess comes from putting these people on a pedestal, rather than just seeing them as ordinary people,..
We elevate them as we imagine they can turn our lives in a better direction, and put too much imaginary power into their hands,.
But its US doing all this to ourselves, or at least our hormonal impulses, ..
Seeing these people as ordinary is the answer,.is the way to end the feverish stress of interaction,
Just imagine them sitting on the toilet having a good old watery fart.

[Gomen]

Originally Posted by Vasco Da Gama

It's not easy, but I think we perhaps unwittingly put people we find attractive on a kind of pedestal,
Our hormones inadvertently elevate these people to a great height,
thus raising our own anxiety, stress, and fight or flight responses etc.

As Hermann Hesse said,.it's a sport,...
or at least, our hormonal responses can react to the situation as if it were a sport /competition,
..and then, us nervous, negative types see failure looming and are caught between giving it our best shot and running in fear, ..
But the whole silly mess comes from putting these people on a pedestal, rather than just seeing them as ordinary people,..
We elevate them as we imagine they can turn our lives in a better direction, and put too much imaginary power into their hands,.
But its US doing all this to ourselves, or at least our hormonal impulses, ..
Seeing these people as ordinary is the answer,.is the way to end the feverish stress of interaction,
Just imagine them sitting on the toilet having a good old watery fart.

Okay so I didn't start noticing girls until I would say I was 17. (just turned 21) I know that sounds unbelievable but its very true in my case. So I while I was in school in the USA I never tried to friend or talk to them. I think kinda messed me up some and why sometimes it doesn't compute to me they are normal people too.

Some girls at work have asked about hanging out with me but I cant because I still don't have a car. But when I do get one, Ill definitely do it if helps get the pedestal like mindset gone.

I know this sounds strange as all out there.

[hollowone]

Totally normal to feel nervous around women you find attractive.

Yes it's normal, some females acknowledge when a guy is nervous and say I don't bite. WHat's more, it works the other way round.

Anyway guys, it can be helpful to realize that many women also have similar fears and feel the same way, that it's entirely normal to feel nervous. It can be helpful to realize that feeling nervous around people you find attractive is a good thing.

Take off the pressure;
Shift your focus away from 'not being nervous' instead focus it onto 'what are they like, what could I find out about them, I wonder how they're feeling.

Question some beliefs about nervousness;
If you feel unusually nervous there's probably some unhelpful thoughts on your mind at the time 'if I seem nervous she'll think I'm x, y, z'. These thoughts are manifestations of beliefs that you may have absorbed. Million dollar question, can you identify the source of them? Here's the thing, the less pressure there is to not be nervous, the less nervous you'll be.

Tiddies are a distraction tactic, I frequently use this method, works great.

I don't know whether this was a bit of humour or whether this is a baiting tactic designed to derail the topic. I'm sure you've felt nervous around guys you've found attractive. Saying something like the above does not give me a very good impression of what sort of woman you are, certainly not the type that says 'I don't bite' if you notice a guy is nervous. Regardless of the reason, that's not really an appropriate thing to say on a thread like this. Thanks.

Anyway guys, focus on what I've said. Get onto talking about strategies that have worked, strategies that haven't and knowledge. What about reducing the need for short term approval that I mentioned in the relationships sub-forum. I want to see more discussion along those lines.

[Gomen]

Originally Posted by mutedsoul

It happens with me as well. I think it's very normal although it is a problem that should be addressed. In fact, it's probably creepier with me, I'm more nervous around certain types and even races of girls/men.

But it is a problem that needs to be addressed. I feel in my case it is due to dysfunctional and unresolved attachments and identity issues growing up.

Well Idk if that's weird. Im sorta of the same way. I can be attracted to girls of all races but ones with olive skin tones more so. I have white skin myself so idk why that is.

[hollowone]

RE 'if I'm nervous it'll be seen as creepy'. That thought seems to be the problem here.

Here is an article I wrote about strategies that I've found helpful, it doesn't cover the creepy element, the focus is on reducing unhelpful thoughts and helping you to get out your head & to be able to be yourself;
https://neverinsilence.wordpress.com...-around-women/

[Consolida]

Not really been following this thread too closely, but I would hazard a guess that the majority of men AND women, particularly younger less experienced ones (although older experienced folk are certainly not immune) feel anxious around people they find attractive.

If anything, it would be weird NOT to feel at least a little nervy around someone you fancy simply because of the added pressure of not wanting to come across negatively. Also, as others have said when we really like someone we become blind to their human flaws and imperfections and tend to place them up on a pedestal. If you try to start getting to know these girls as friends first I don’t think you will find them nearly as unapproachable and scary.

When I was much younger I couldn’t maintain eye contect with anyone that I found attractive, infact I’d go out of my way to avoid them because of the fear of being seen as sad, desperate or even creepy if anything in my general demeanour gave away my secret attraction to them.
However, in reality, at worst I would come across as totally uninterested and possibly stuck up, and at best shy and timid.

Gomen, I really don’t think anyone in their right mind would think you were in any way creepy simply because you get nervous around girls you find attractive. On the contrary, without meaning to sound patronising, I know there are plenty of girls out there who find shy boys extremely endearing. I know I did!

[Kipper]

Well I dunno, not much hope for me Consolida.

I'm 61, been married for 20 years and still get nervous around attractive women.

In particular a 58 year old woman at work who is utterly adorable.


Seriously, if you suffer with SAD then regardless of age you are more likely to feel nervous around anyone, particularly attractive members of the opposite sex, I think.

[Consolida]

^ There’s always hope Kipper
And If you have been married for 20 years then your nervousness around women obviously didn’t put your wife off

[hollowone]

Look, it's natural to feel nervous around people you're attracted to, even a good thing.

For single people ^, there you go, even married veterans feel nervous around people they think are attractive.

It's interesting to see older people who are married talking about nervousness around women in workplace scenarios.As a single early 30's guy who's been single for years it's interesting. It's probably not unusual for people who are married of either sex to feel nervous around people of the opposite sex even if you love your partner or spouse dearly. @ Kipper; I know you'd never cheat but it's understandable if you may have the odd crush & fantasy now & again, my dad has admitted to this, it's normal, it'll pass.

[hollowone]

RE main discussion
@ Consolida

You've clearly been there yourself & know where this fear is coming from & relate to others. I must say I find what you've said very positive.

@ Gomen, as what Consolida says, I don't think women you meet will see nervousness as creepy, more than likely you'll find ones who'll notice it, find it sweet, maybe say they don't bite when they talk to you.

It's important to remember that women also feel the same way and do. As what consolida say, coming across as stuck-up could sometimes be a manifestation of feeling nervous. We all act in different weird ways around people we're attracted to. So bear that in mind. Just knowing that women have the same insecurities too should help lift a lot of the pressure. Acknowledge that you're human.

[Gomen]

Honestly if I was married or even had a GF I don't think I would have this problem. But it's gonna be a while before I'm able to do that so have to live with it.

[Kipper]

Thanks Consolida!

Mrs Kipper was probably more in love with the idea of marriage than Mr.Kipper as an individual so was prepared to overlook my deficiencies in the confidence department. Plus we did our courtship as penpals for nearly a year before graduating to phone calls which helped no end.

Hollowone, I hope my crush does pass as it quite intense and has been so for nearly 2 years!